FC Hartlepool 9-0 Washington, Tuesday 13th February 2024

FC Hartlepool 9-0 Washington, Northern League Division 2, Grays Enclosure, att. 131

It’s another sojourn to the north-east; this time it’s to have the staples removed from my neck after an operation last week. After two were painfully removed, I asked how many more? ‘One, two, three...oh, you’ve more than usual.’ Brilliant. Still, had to be done. Luckily, one of the two Northern League grounds I’ve never been to is hosting a game. FC Hartlepool, recently promoted to the Northern League, are at home to Washington, a side so bad that any other year they’d be bottom. Instead, crisis-club Brandon keep them away from the one relegation place to oblivion (the Wearside League).

I arrive 10 minutes late, in time to hear the cheer for FC’s (never refer to them as ‘Hartlepool’) 2nd goal. My dinner, a Toby carvery, was much more important after the day I’ve had. Within another 10 minutes, Washington are reduced to 10 men after a wild hack and half an hour into the game it’s 4-0. 4-0 up, against a side at the bottom down to 10 men, I had vague hopes of seeing double figures. In the end, Washington put up a semblance of a fight. FC only add one more before half-time and with various subs coming on second half, the flow of goals slows. They finish at 9, the last one in injury time, so very little time to get that 10 I craved.

The ground is a neat and tidy affair and it looked like I’d arrived in time to see 2 new stands having been delivered. As you enter one corner, two gleaming efforts stood either side of the corner flag, one for sitting, one for standing. As ever, the new (seated) stand, along the touchline, was placed somewhat away from the pitch and thus no-one actually chose to sit there. Still, both stands looked very smart bedecked in the blue and red of FC.

The majority of the fans stood on the dugout touchline, all the better for easy access to the clubhouse (it was very cold). Or you could stand outside and have your ears blasted by their beatbox, rigged up by the pavilion door. Opposite the dugouts is another stand, almost identical to the new seated one, save for the metal posts being painted white instead of blue. Otherwise, the ground is neatly enclosed. All in all, a welcome addition to the Northern League.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1.50 tea
= £6.50

Washington 0-2 Redcar Town, Saturday 16th April 2022

Washington 0-2 Redcar Town, Northern League Division 2, Ford Quarry Hub, att. 132.

My original aim is still on – at the outset of the season, I intended to visit a home game at every side in the Northern League (all 41 of them) and thanks to late fixture re-arrangements, I’m back on track. Previously, it looked like I wouldn’t be able to see a ‘Washey’ home game, and I thought I’d have to manoeuvre the goalposts somewhat to a ‘game at every ground’ (Washington sharing with Sunderland West End). The downside? Coming to this place twice.

My mate Molly had travelled the 100 or so miles up from Barnsley to see a game. I tried managing his expectations; the Ford Quarry Hub is the worst matchday experience in the Northern League. Plastic pitch, no terracing, a couple of ‘stands’ dumped by a passing lorry and crane…and you can’t even walk around all 4 sides of the pitch, as the dugout side is verbatim. Added to this, you have to gain entrance through a leisure centre where they’re still asking for a QR code (or you fill in your life’s details on a piece of paper) and once you’ve paid to go through the turnstile, you technically have to leave the ground again to use the catering facilities (basically, the leisure centre bar. I said last time I wouldn’t be back, little realising at the time that two sides play here. Hopefully Washington can return whence they came….rather than the edge of Sunderland. (Washington’s original home at Albany Park had its changing rooms burnt down in 2009 and they find themselves at the Ford Quarry Hub via Sunderland Nissan. No return to their hometown appears likely anytime soon.)

Luckily, it was a beautiful sunny day and ideal for leaning on the perimeter fence and chewing the fat with your mate. Things which annoy us in modern football: foul throws, throw-ins being taken from the wrong place, and timewasting by goalkeepers (unpunished by refs). That’s just 3 things before we veered off into other conversations. Why do poor people vote Tory? Why do people in the national media presume all football fans (apart from Forest) have sympathy for Derby County? (I’m convinced no-one in the Championship has any sympathy, let alone Wycombe Wanderers, whose place they stole last season.)

In the meantime, visitors Redcar Town (in their debut season in the Northern League) cantered to a 2-0 win. Ahead but for the opening 60 seconds, Redcar cemented their top half position, while Washington continue to look over their shoulders nervously at 2nd off bottom Esh Winning; 3 points behind, 3 games left….and potential relegation. (‘Potential’ being the operative word; all might hinge on end of season reshuffles of leagues’ memberships.)

The Damage:
£5 ent
£3.30 can of Stella
= £8.30
The Tunes:
BBC 5Live

Blyth Town 3-0 Washington, Wednesday 13th April 2022

Blyth Town 3-0 Washington, Northern League Division 2, South Newsham Playing Fields, att. 110.

With time running out on the season, I find myself making 2 long journeys in 2 days. Last night Carlisle, over an hour and a half away from home (but a pleasant drive over the Pennines) and tonight it’s Blyth, the best part of 50 minutes, roads willing. Blyth Town’s ground is also on the road into Blyth, so no need to scoot around town looking for it, though if I’d set off earlier, I’d planned on visiting comedian Mark Thomas’s favourite Wetherspoons, in a former art deco cinema in the town centre.

As it was, my highlights were limited to ticking off another Northern League ground and finding it had a grass pitch. For some reason, I presumed NL newcomers Blyth Town played on a synthetic surface. Maybe it was the out of town nature of it all? Being new to the 10th tier echelons, there wasn’t a lot of character to it, really. A modern seated stand off the back of a lorry, another similar but without seats, otherwise it’s just a football field on the edge of modern housing with a clubhouse attached. Though give it some dues, the bar was smartly attired and had Sky on.

Getting there early(ish) I had time to consume a burger…one of those dreadful things you used to get served up in the 70s, boiled rather than fried. Echoes of Bonfire Night, 1979, a recess opened in the back of my mind. I bought a ticket for the half-time draw, a stunning £50 1st prize. I never did hear the draw. Maybe that’s why the prize was so high – it never gets won.

Blyth, midtable, easily overcame 3rd off bottom Washington, who conceded early in comedy circumstances, as a miscommunication between centre half and keeper left an open goal. Usual story. Thereafter, they were never in the race, a comfortable 3-0 home win while I chuntered on for most of the game with an old timer who used to watch Newcastle, but never goes anymore. Usual story.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£2.50 burger
£1 half time draw (prize: £50)
= £8.50

The Tunes:
Prioritise Pleasure (Self Esteem)
BBC 5Live (Champions League Quarter Final 2nd leg, Athletico Madrid 0-0 Man City; agg 0-1)