Franchise FC 2-0 Barnsley, Saturday 24th January 2015

'He's ambidextrous.  He's s*** with both his head and his feet.'

Away end?  Just find the nearest police van...

Another away defeat (5 in a row and counting) as the Reds ruin a comfortable 1st half by falling apart in the 2nd. Honestly, there was nothing in it in the 1st half, despite us being without Holgate or a forward line.  (Waring doesn't count.)  Then the 2nd, we couldn't get out of our half, go a couple of goals down and then see Wilson's (again) bizarre attempt at turning things around by going with as many donkeys up front as possible.  Mind, he exceeded the Donny tally, managing to finish the game with Phenix on the right wing and Oates on the left, supporting Chief Carthorse Waring down the middle.  How is the latter any better than what we've got? If we have big strapping donkeys of our own, shouldn't we be improving their game, rather than a Stoke City reserve who will probably (probably) eke out a career in the lower divisions, if he's lucky?

Comfiest (padded) seats in the division

Sorry, wind my neck in a bit.  No, let's not.  (Dangle)Berry.  (Look it up.)  What does he do?  Well, nothing, but like a real dangleberry, manages to just hang around and irritate.  The one time he HAD something to do, he lets (the, ok, £9m rated) Deli Alli run past him onto a loose ball before quickly firing in a snapshot off the post. Class finish, if you discount Dangleberry's ball-watching.  Didn't we just spend MONEY on a midfielder from Wycombe? So how's Berry getting a game?  (On a connected note, I hear Cambridge have come into some money....couldn't we send him back?)  As Andy said, he's had his hair cut, so we can't even admire him flicking his fringe every 30 seconds.

Sheets draped in front of the concourse...no drinking in sight of..etc

Still, we have Hourihane in midfield, creative genius and future midtable Championship player. Well, at least he put a tackle in.  Which is why the Football League Paper saw fit to give him 8/10. We must have a secret agent at that paper, if you look at his scores every week.  It's our best chance of selling him.  Again created FA going forward, let alone actually having a shot.

Kiwomya meantime barely got a kick and when he did, he did that thing many fast players do, where they kick it miles ahead, beat the 1st man...but the 2nd man is alert to his pace so is already on the cover and simply picks it off.  If Hourihane has the vision of Mr Magoo, then Kiwomya is Stevie Wonder.  Eventually dragged off, to be replaced on the wing by a lumbering centre forward (Oates) - see earlier.  WTF?

Pristine verging on sterile

MK Dons grabbed a 2nd; Grigg flicks it past M'Voto, rounds Turnbull and rolls it home.  Another class finish.  Oh, to see one of them in OUR favour.  But who in our squad could possibly have the ability to finish like those two today?  Thereafter, Turnbull was on a one-man damage limitation job as the asses dropped back (8), leaving the donkeys (3) on the halfway line.

The full-time whistle couldn't come fast enough as one of our ultras tried to get a 'Wilson Out!' chant going to no avail, and before you knew it, you had 2 fat oiks arguing with each other over who is the fattest oik...or maybe it was to do with the Wilson thing, who knows???  Someone was heard to shout 'Fight fight fight!!!' (me) but nothing came of it.  But why are we stressing ourselves over what's happening on the pitch?  Come on lads, let's not lose our cool.  The team are s***, we're 2 points above relegation and going down faster than Divine Brown (one for the Hugh Grant fans, there).  But we're BETTER than that...aren't we?

Reds' fans NOT arguing with each other

*** Turnbull.  Saved 3 one-on-ones that I can remember.  And the rest.  No chance with either goal.

** Smith.  Excellent performance at left back.  Tackled, passed....even crossed accurately.  Now, where's that Waring bloke when you need him...?

* Hourihane.  A couple of good tackles.  Or Pearson, before he 'lost it' (running around thinking he could do everyone's job, instead of sticking to doing his own).  Go on then, I'll give it Connor for services to defensive midfield.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Turnbull
2. Smith
3= Pearson / Hourihane

Other despatches:  Pearson again proved promising, but Franchise away is a different kettle of fish from 10 man Yeovil at home; I've nought to say about the rest of them.  Special mention to Hicksy and Yvonne for the lift to and from the stadium. Hope the sound bars (!?) work.

Drink du jour:  Not a long journey today, so pure lager.  Then more wheat beer at the Euston Tap (most excellent) where we bumped into a couple of Bradford fans who were understandably ecstatic after beating Chelsea.  Good on 'em.

Away:  Dunno.  500?  The crowd itself looked about 5000 (8,310).  The lack of atmosphere 'makes Oakwell seem like a cauldron' (someone, not me).  Imagine.

Just remembered the ONE chance we had, Waring heading meekly over when he was on his own, about 8 yards out, 1st half.  Pathetic.

Damage:
£20 entrance
£10.50 travel

Doncaster Rovers 1-0 Barnsley, Saturday 17th January 2015

'Get him sent off you pie-eating ba5tard.'

No comment

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days.   Forgetting match tickets and watching a dreadful performance was tempered by copious drinking including sessions back in London with Norwegian gaolers and a large braces-wearing Russian businessman (gangster?)

The day started badly.  I read a text saying my mate and his son couldn’t make it, the mother-in-law was in hospital and on her way out. So I completely forgot the match tickets. I called Donny’s box office, can I buy a ticket on the day?  After explaining my situ, they told me to phone BFC and ask them to e-mail Donny with the ticket details and they'd give me reaplcements. So I did.  I explained I’d left 3 tickets at home and BFC e-mailed Donny.  So I was quite chuffed when we met a ticketless Reds fans from Cheshire in the pub – he’d take one off my hands.  Got to the ground, only one ticket was there for me.  I blame BFC.  So I bought an extra and, fair play to Donny, they said they’d reimburse me if I write to them.  (Andy remembers Donny doing the same for Tim one year, so well done them.)

That's more like it

Got to Donny to be met by Salisbury and piles of police.  We ducked out of the way and avoided the forced march to the stadium and went to the pub.  The town centre was full of coppers too, as marauding Donny scrotes looked for kids their own age to fight.  Cos they’d have been panned by anyone over 16.  Older Barnsley scrotes later left me locked out of the pub, as, outside making a phonecall, a bunch of them arrived at the pub with coppers in tow, who quickly barred their entry.  When I went to go back inside, explaining I’d just been on the phone, the jobsworth in yellow refused while a tarn knobhead shouted ‘dunt believe him, he’s wi’ us’.  Pr*ck.  Luckily, we had a match to get to.

An industrial estate, somewhere in Doncaster.

Ah, the match.  Absolutely f***ing awful.  Donny passed it around, giving and going and generally being made to look like Arsenal, while we couldn’t thread the simplest of passes.  We made it to half time somehow level.  It should have been 2 or 3, but their forwards were as bad as our midfield, failing to seriously test Turnbull.  No panic, Danny will change things at half time and we’ll get a grip.

Second half – exactly the same.  Though Wilson later makes some bewildering changes so we end up having a big centre forward playing out wide, the marvellously named Mike Phenix.  We proceed to give him plenty of supply, while starving an actual winger (Kiwomya) on the other side.  It’s difficult to say who was the worst of the worst, though by us it was Jennings taking the most flack.  Fat and s*** appeared to be the jist of it.

The Super Reds come out.  As good as it got.

Salisbury had had enough with 20 minutes left, suggesting we leave.  I have to hand it to him, he was right about us being unable to withstand the Donny pressure. I think he told me that every 5 minutes in that second half, until they did.  And what a blow, as Holgate, making his 1^st mistake of the match, is punished.  Holgate gambled on winning the ball, lost out and found himself the wrong side.  Still, Forrester had plenty to do as he cut inside and curled an absolute beauty into the far top corner.  Great strike. Mason’s performance further implodes as he takes injury time a little too literally and goes through Tyson.  That’s him out for 3 games then, but on the plus side, I s’pose it means we won’t sell him in this January window.  (Or will we?)

*** M’Voto.  Probably the reason Turnbull had so little to do despite the Donny pressure.
** Turnbull.  A couple of good saves and confident handling.
* Nyatanga.  1 or 2 dodgy moments but compared to everyone else’s 10 or 11…

Londontykes top 3:
1. M'Voto
2. Smith
3= Holgate / Turnbull

Despatches:
Jennings – fat and s***.  Waring – 6 feet 5 and never in the right place to win a header.  Kiwomya – the invisible man.  Hourihane – what DOES he do?  Berry – problies the best of a bad midfield bunch.  THAT’S how bad we were.  Smith – someone teach him to cross a ball.  Lalkovic had a few promising moments before fizzling out, problies the best of what could loosely be termed our ‘attack’.

Then we walked the half an hour or so back to town, all the time being flanked by police and once near the centre, every street blocked off in an effort to force everyone to the station.  No thanks – there’s beer to be had.  And 2 Greggs’ pasties.

Final Score.

Drink du jour: vodka and orange.  And 6 pints once we got back to London.  Yes, I fell asleep on the bus back and missed my stop.  And yes, Sarah’s been in a mood with me all day.  (Seems she doesn’t like being woken up by a drunken lout.)

Away: 2,548.  Our ‘ultra’ element took over the far corner, bounced around and let off a flare.  Everyone else spent the game moaning. 

Match action

Meccano must be making a fortune these days...

Depresseds of Barnsley.

Barnsley 2-0 Yeovil Town, Saturday 10th January 2014

‘Doctor, Doctor, my fanny smells of coconuts.’

Well, a win is a win.  Though that’s not quite how I felt after Satdy’s match, having frozen my nuts off watching us for a large part struggle against the basement side, at home, who only had 10 men for 70 minutes.  We were s***.   We never got out of our half until they had a bloke sent off (allegedly for throwing an elbow at Waring off the ball).  Until then, Yeovil were camped in our half and coulda scored 3 times.  Weirdly, it felt like a carbon copy of last year, where they shoulda scored 10.  

Then the sending off.  Never look a gifthorse in the mouth, we’ll romp this.  We limped to half time, creating nowt.  In the meantime, they picked us off on the break.  I tell you, every time they had the ball, 5 of them would race forward.  Then when they lost it, 4 of those 5 would leg it back, while we tippy-tappied it amongst ourselves.  The only player not playing tippy-tappying was Kiwomya, who delighted in running at players at pace, before losing it.  Still, Danny preached patience before the game and I guess the message seemed even more apt against 10 men.

156 Yeovil fans. Apparently.

However, not long after the restart, the breakthrough came.  Thank god Hourihane can’t take a corner, cos the resultant clearance was headed straight back to him.  2^nd time lucky, as he swung one in deep, Kiwomya challenged the keeper and the ball dropped for Waring to tap home.  He celebrated like he'd won the world cup.  Later, a fast breaking move from US (or should I say, from the new Slovakian) ended with Hourihane being brought down and slotting home for his 12th of the season.  We settled for the two.

*** Pearson.  Absolutely ran the game from defensive-mid.  Always made himself available, looked to make a pass and broke down so many of their moves, either through a tackle or an interception.  The new Darren Sheridan.  Sponsors MOTM.

** Holgate.  Pure class, again. This time moved over from full back after Ramage went off injured.  He's the composed centre-back Nyatanga (who?) was meant to be (but isn't).

* John Malkovic or Kiwomya. Do I go with the Slovak, who ripped them to bits, ot Kiwomya, who softened them up in the 1st place?  I'll go with Lalkovic (yes, I had to look him up). He looked terrifying, yet I worry with his track record of clubs, it's never gonna work out.  We'll see.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Holgate
2. Pearson
3. M'Voto

Go Super Reds!

Despatches:
As I said Kiwomya looked fast and dangerous. Just needs to know when to take the right option.  Waring, 6'5" tall, 6'2" stood up and about 6 foot when he jumps.  His touch looks better than his ability to head but everyone else thinks he was bullied on Satdy. Awww, bless.  He's meant to be a brick outhouse FFS. Williams (the non-league bloke) looked ok, no more - but it was great to see Holgate making his mouth go and telling him what to do, where to go.  Lita couldn't get a kick, and was problies upset at being hauled off while Jennings came on for 13 minutes and looked fat.  Digby got a runout (hurrah!) but then proceeded to keep kicking it to them (boooo).  His BFC career is disappearing over that hill.  If his passing's not top notch, there's little else to his game.  Smith was sound defensively, but his crossing was all a bit Tom Williams. And then there's Hourihane.  Given I've not seen any of you 5 or 6 put him in your top 3, you may be as amazed as I to see his mark in the Football League Paper: 9/10.  Yet another trundling effort for me.  Can't we sell him? I hear he's worth money....and Washday are interested. Perfick.

The massive plus of course was all the youngsters in the team (some of 'em actually ours!).  But let's not get excited.  The sending off was key.  And we still only won 2-0, including a penalty.

Away: 156.  Really?  Andy and Andy counted 57 and 75 respectively. Maybe at any one point half of em were under the stand keeping warm.  Clever barstewards.

Bright lights, big city.

Hitchin Town P-P Corby Town, Saturday 3rd January 2015

Match postponed - but you'd have to be outside the ground to know it.

Having decided early on to give Barnsley's cup game against Boro a miss, I looked for a suitable alternative and a new ground to visit.  Scanning the other cup games brought me...Blyth Spartans. Too far.  Or Stoke on the Sunday. Prohibitively expensive by train.  So I looked for a non-league game and came up with Hitchin.  I'd read an article in When Saturday Comes recently about how they were struggling to keep hold of their town centre ground and I thought they could do with the extra support/dosh. 

A good atmosphere and welcome in the Canary Club

It was an easy journey, half an hour from Kings X, followed by a 15 minute walk to the ground, in the rain.  (This bit is crucial in what came later.)  There were cars in the car park...and people in the social club, 'The Canary Cafe'.  I peered through a gap in the gate to the ground.  Inside looked suspiciously empty. With forty minutes to kick-off I'd have expected to see SOMEBODY in there.

A sneaky peek through the gates.

I decamped to the social club, a cosy bar with pool table and three choices of bitter. I had a pint of Stella.  £3 - bargain. While I stared at whatever was on the telly, I'm sure I overheard an old bloke tell his wife about a game being off. My suspicions were raised.  They were then confirmed when a couple of Corby fans passed by the window and he muttered to himself  'match is off lads.'  I drank up, had a walk around 2 sides of the ground and found the only official confirmation the game was off on a sign.  Even now, at 7pm, there's no news on their website.

They'll be shut though...

I see elsewhere the game was postponed for a waterlogged pitch. I am now trying not to think that it would be a GOOD thing that they DID lose their stadium. There was hardly enough rain to call off a Sunday morning game, so if Hitchin Town haven't sorted themselves a decent pitch in 100 years (or whatever), then move.  Or get one of those modern fandangled plastic pitches.  Grrrr!

The unavoidables:
£12.50 train
£3 beer

The Tunes:
Blue Bell Knoll (Cocteau Twins)
Dirty (Sonic Youth)
Mellan Collie and the Infinite Sadness (Smashing Pumpkins)
Loco (Fun Lovin' Criminals)

Hello, good evening, welcome...and goodbye. 

An intriguing looking stand.

even more so on close up

the fence outside

Those (closed) turnstiles

At least the Canary Club Cafe was open!

Aston Villa 0-0 Crystal Palace, Thursday 1st January 2015 (Barclaycard Premiership), att. 29,047

Well, you can try...

Off to Villa today, ground #81 of the current league pile. Somehow, I've managed to avoid it till now, partly (mainly) due to it being one of two away games I missed during Barnsley's Premiership season. (We won. I should have missed more.)

£12 return to Brum by train too, proving it IS possible to charge folk reasonable rail fares AND stay in business. Naturally, this was via the slower Chiltern line and had nothing whatsoever to do with Virgin (ba5tards).

Holte End car park including big screen with big match preview.  Nice touch.

I'd always fancied visiting Villa Park even though I'm finding it hard not to dislike Villa, the team. What do they DO, apart from hang around the Premiership, taking up a space?  They're the modern-day Coventry City, though at least they won the FA Cup.  Villa must be one of the most pointless clubs in the land, an underachieving side from an underachieving city.  Apparently they once won the European Cup, but since all football began with the Premiership, I guess we'll have to erase that one.

I arrived at Moor Street station and made my way through the Bullring shopping arcade to the perennial building site that is New Street station, for a train to Aston. Being New Year's Day, they were only one every half hour.  I should have been warned for later.

At Aston, I followed the crowd.  I had an hour to spare but fancied a wander around the stadium rather than a pint. Good job - later experience proved it's very difficult getting into any of the local pubs.

If ever the back of a football stand summed up Birmingham...

I picked up my ticket from the Trinity Road ticket office, and efficient service it was too, everyone's tickets divvied up alphabetically.  (You can tell I'm not used to this.)  Welcome to the Premiership! After mucho photo taking I headed into the stadium.  The gentleman's called.

I'd plumped for the North Stand upper, mainly cos I'm a tight sod.  £27 (compared to £35 in the Holte Upper - why?)  One good thing about Villa's website is that it showed you the view from that particular part of the ground, which is why I didn't go lower tier.  And you can pick your actual seat, so I bagged a lone chair near the front of the upper tier, smack behind the goal.  Sadly, Villa are one of these teams who put away fans at the side, partly to diminish their noise, partly to rob them of even more money by charging them increased prices.  My dislike of Villa is increasing.

The Palace contingent, upstairs and down.  

It's been a while since I'd seen a Premiership game.  Must be at least 4 years (Arsenal v Spurs?).  So I was excited to see what the fuss is about.  And in Villa's case I'll tell you: play as slowly as possible, take few risks, never take a player on and never kick the ball forward when you can kick it backwards or square.  They really are the most tedious side I've seen in a long time.  And you;d be amazed how many times a side can f*** up a square ball, finding touch.  Their entire game can be summed up in one player (actually, more than one, but I'll pick on this one), Tom Cleverly.  What a one-paced nonentity this bloke is.  Didn't he used to play for England?  Well, only cos he played for Man U.  I presume the other players made him look good.

Now, Paul Lambert isn't very popular in our house, since Villa nicked him from Norwich, but I think Norwich got the better end of this deal.  As one Villa fan summed up the 1st half, 'F*** off Lambert you bore draw f***ing specialist.'  I later learned no-one in the league had scored less than Villa. Why am I not surprised?

Premiership superstars take to the pitch.

Cleverly was dragged off after 64 minutes, by which time I was enjoying watching him, in a perverse sort of way.  Which is how I felt about Villa as the game dragged on.  The last thing I needed was for them to spoil a perfectly awful display by scoring a goal.  A late free kick and a couple of scrambles from corners gave them that chance, but it wasn't to be.  A flying save from the free kick, a defender's block and the left back blazing over from 10 yards.  Those and Alan Hutton having a close range effort charged down by Speroni in the 1st half were the sum of it. Sounds better than it was to be honest.

Looking towards the Holte End.

As for Palace, while they didn't have much possession, at least they tried to do something with it when they did.  With Bolasie, Zaha and (later) Gayle, a fast break was the order of the day and Bolasie should have profited when Villa's defence disappeared and he ran unchallenged from his own half before cracking his shot off the bar.  I've seen him enough times now to realise that however dangerous he looks, if he had composure, he wouldn't be playing for Palace.

As for their fans, while Villa's were virtually mute, dividing Palace between tiers didn't help the away atmosphere.  After a promising start, the game, the home fans, the rain, the city...took hold and few could be bothered, save for a rousing 'You're ground's too big for you' after the attendance was announced (12,000 spare seats).  They're a big club doncha know!

Good use of club colours

After the match, I got to Aston station to find the next train wasn't for 25 minutes.  New Year's Day, Sunday service.  Rather than wait in the p***ing rain, I thought I'd go find a pint and catch a later train.  There was a pub over the road (Swan and Mitre).  No I don't have a pass.  Business must be good if they can turn it down, though the advertising board offering its leasehold suggested otherwise.  'Is there another pub nearby?'  'Yes, up the hill and past the lights.  5 minutes.'  The Villa Tavern (?) was indeed open...but locked.  Another half empty pub turning down business cos you don't happen to be a Villa fan.  This is s***.  I walked back to the station and found myself in a QUEUE to get back in.  Balls, I'm now gonna miss this train and now have half an hour to wait.  So much for my impatience.  Thankfully, they let us in as the train arrived.  I even got a chair.  Home Jeeves!

As for a trip to Villa Park, it's a great stadium sadly wasted on the Villa.  Perhaps you can try and get a ticket for when Villa aren't playing, like a cup semi.  Oh.  Otherwise, do what everyone else does and wait till one of the Big 4 come to town and actually fill the place (nearly).

North Stand lower, fairly busy (the cheap seats)

The Damage:
£14 travel
£29 ent (inc. £2 booking fee)
£3 programme
£2 fanzine (Heroes and Villans one-off special; excellent)
£6.60 pie and a pint

The Tunes:
It's Album Time (Todd Terje)
St. Vincent (St. Vincent)
Just for a Day (Slowdive)
Sheet One (Plastikman) - repetitive beats at their finest
Tales of Ephidrina (The Future Sound of London)
Loveless (My Bloody Valentine)

The match highlight...fans trying to land the ball on the target at HT.

Great idea, zero takers.

Villa have so many club shops they don't even open 'em all

The grand facade of the Holte End.

I didn't know the Trinity Road Stand actually goes over...Trinity Road (?)

Angles at the Villa: Trinity Road and Holte End

For them who don't know the history of the Villa.  Like me, for one.

The massive Trinity Road Stand.  It's massive.

Angles at the Villa: Doug Ellis and the North Stand

Doug Ellis Stand

Season's greetings to you all!