Esh Winning 0-4 Carlisle City, Thursday 28th April 2022

Esh Winning 0-4 Carlisle City, Northern League Division 2, West Terrace (Waterhouses), att. 92

FINALLY, in a fraught end to the season caused by fixture rearrangements (an ever-present danger at this level) I have completed all 41 Northern League grounds in the same season, and what a beautiful ground to end it all, Esh Winning’s Waterhouses, AKA the 'WindowsPlusRoofs Arena’. (It should also say ‘and old bus stands’ given the structures down one side of the pitch.) Yes, the scenic Deerness valley is the location for this late re-arrangement, and one advantage of its late season position is that the sun sets that little bit later, allowing a longer view of the surrounding hills and trees. And on the far bank, by the all-seater ‘stands’ that are a couple of sheds with the front removed, there is the sound of the lesser-spotted Thames Estuary groundhopper, as 3 surprisingly young blokes chat about their latest exploits, and staying in the nearby Durham City. Well done those lads.

Without another game on tonite, it’s perhaps also inevitable that I bump into my old History teacher again, for probably the 5th time this season. Standing with his mates, second half, by the bus shelters, conversation turned to completing all the grounds in one season. To their knowledge, November was the earliest it’s been done. These old timers mainly stick to the County Durham grounds, but to be fair to the Northern League, they’re the best ones…Esh, Tow Law, Crook, West Auckland…even Brandon at a push (well, I like Brandon).

Down what looks like a farm track, Waterhouses has a large field for a car park, ample enough for the crowds they get. Another late season bonus is I don’t have to worry about the car getting stuck in the mud. A walk round the ground to the main entrance, and into the ground under a propped cover attached to the clubhouse. A quirky main stand is adjacent to the left, a roof pointing upwards towards the sky, no use if the winds blowing this way. To the right, a small wooden cover and couple of steps of terracing, while the fence carries round behind the goal. Wooden barriers prevent you leaning against the fence (is it that unsturdy?) while a pitch roller lies beyond signs warning against bad language. Try telling the players.

The match itself is a procession, after early resistance from Esh. Carlisle are on their way to a late season run to the Championship, winning game after game in hand on long time leaders Heaton Stannington. I have to admit, by the end, I’d lost track of the score. It finished 4, it could have been twice as many. Well done Carlisle on mission completed and good luck next season in division 1. For Esh, fingers crossed their second off bottom spot doesn’t result in demotion. Waterhouses would be a sorry loss to the Northern League. **

** In the end, Esh were saved by the resignation of Ryhope CW from the Northern League (in the same season they’d won the Durham Challenge Cup; a unique double).

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1 tea
£0.50 Blue Riband
= £6.50

The Tunes:
The Voltarol Years (Half Man Half Biscuit)

BFC 0-2 Blackpool, Tuesday 26th April 2022

‘Why are you watching Barnsley lose again when you could be on the sofa with me and Redders watching some great goals? An hour in and there have been 5.’

With relegation confirmed, I’m feeling very lonely at Oakwell tonite. Were there 4000 there, or 5? Probably the former, and that included around 800 from Blackpool. Nevermind protests against the owners, the empty seats speak volumes, as fans who’ve already paid to be here vote with their feet. And why not? It’s Man City-Real Madrid in a Champions League semi-final, it’s chilly, and we are RUBBISH. Yes, you’d be insane to turn out to watch this, especially as we’re down, but I’m determined to see every home league match for the first time since the season after the Prem. I think the crowd was officially given as 12,000 odd. Odd.

In a nothing of a game, Kitching gives the ball away in their half, one pass and they’re virtually clean through, cutting inside to rifle it into the top corner. Maybe some of the fans have been right all along…we should never have deviated from last year’s tactics of just booting it as far away down the pitch as we could, all the time, every time. At least we’d lasted 39 minutes.

Second half was a carbon copy, in that we never looked like creating a chance, nevermind scoring, in the first half….and we never looked like creating owt in the 2nd. But at least Adeboyejo plays a part in a goal, being outmuscled for the flick on. How can a bloke his size be muscled out of ANYTHING? He must be the weakest 16 stone player I’ve ever seen. 0-2 and a few more leave. The only Reds fans left must be members of some secret masochistic society.

Somehow, the Tangerines miss an easier chance than the ones they’ve scored, as they’re clean through and it’s bounced kindly…but he slices it. Still, another of theirs pops up to slam it off the far post with our defence all at sea. An even harder shot follows, as Wolfe wellies it off their bar from 25 yards. As close as we’ve got all night, as close as we’ve got all season. We are RUBBISH. Still, it was nice to see former Red Kenny Dougall running things in midfield.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. In defence…..
** No-one. …..in midfield….
* No-one. …. up front….

Official MOTM: Wolfe. Yes, I was amazed they announced one too, considering we’d lost (again).

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. No-one 2. No-one 3. No-one

Despatches:
Today was the anniversary of our promotion to the Premiership. Just saying.

The (bizarre) highlight of the match was half-time. Quina, Bassi and Gomes, the loanees responsible for the 3 wins in February which offered us hope, were wheeled out in front of literally dozens of fans, to receive a bouquet of flowers and be frogmarched around the pitch. What’s the matter with a card and a simple ‘Thanks and f.off’…cos they might as well as. I can bet we’re paying these players’ wages right to the end of the season, so why not play ‘em, cos what we have left offer zero hope. And at least Quina gave us some entertainment, trying to guess at what point he’ll part with the ball.

I shouldn't criticise though. My own apathy shone through pre-match when I saw a couple of fans in orange and white scarves. I thought Stoke played in red. I presumed the colours had faded on them.

Drink du jour: A pint of Leffe with Nice Guy Chris in Wetherspoons. The original amber nectar and £3.79 to boot. Compared very nicely with the £3.65 flat white I’d had earlier.

Away: 800? Decent turnout from Blackie, midweek, nought to play for.

Points per game under Devaney: 0

The Damage:
£30 travel
£3 prog
= £33

The Tunes:
Antidawn EP (Burial)
Wet Leg (Wet Leg)
Greatest Hits (Tupac Shakur) (£1 in a charity shop; I’ll never get that money back.)

Brandon United 1-1 Redcar Town, Wednesday 20th April 2022

Brandon United 1-1 Redcar Town, Northern League Division 2, Welfare Ground, att. 57

It’s the Durham Challenge Cup Final tonite….so I’m elsewhere. I need to drop off and pick up my partner in Croxdale (where?) this evening, which is fortuitous given I’ve 2 Northern League teams left on my Odyssey and one is Brandon, about 4 miles from Croxdale. What with a 7:30 kick-off, I’d miss the start, but would be able to finish my duty at full-time. Except it turned out kick-off was 7:45, so for once I was early…but had to leave with the teams poised at one-all with 10 minutes left.

Brandon’s Welfare Ground is a basic affair, but I love it. The car park is several steps below the pitch and the ‘turnstile’ is a sentry box. Once the steps are climbed, the only stand lies opposite. In appearance a cowshed, the sides taper inwards. The views are superb though – Durham Cathedral and the surrounding County Durham countryside. To the right, behind the goal, allotments. From West Allotment FC on Monday to actual allotments today, as chickens roam around making a clucking racket. Nevermind West Ham’s Boleyn Ground – this is the original chicken run.

A fence encloses the other goal, while the changing rooms are housed in that far corner, more cricket pavilion than association football clubhouse. On this side, the dugouts lie exposed. More exposed than usual too, as the roofs have been removed from their breezeblock bases. Good job it’s mid-April. (Being County Durham, it is very cold.) I saw the roofs laid out nearby. I think rot had set in.

Further degradation appeared with the performance of one of the floodlight pylons, second half. 5 times (five!) it went off, and 5 times a bloke gave it a shake and it came back on again. I bet his nickname is ‘The Fonz’. While the away bench asked if it’d ever be fixed they got given sharp shrift; ‘we can’t even afford roofs on the dugouts!’. The 5th time, I was too busy watching said bloke rattle a pylon to see how Redcar’s equaliser happened. Last time I looked, it was a Brandon goalkick. Next I knew, the centre forward was rounding the goalkeeper. The hands on head look of the custodian suggested he’d messed up bigtime. And that was it, for me. I can’t let the other half down. Not if I want to be allowed out.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1 programme
£1 tea
= £7

The Tunes:
BBC 5Live