BFC 2-0 Forest Green Rovers, Saturday 29th October 2022

‘He was wearing one of those gay armbands.’ ‘You mean a rainbow band.’

Who says Michael Duff doesn’t read what I write? A week after I question Cundy’s worth to the team….he’s out. 2 games of me saying Edwards is never a wing back…he’s moved to the right hand side of a 3 man defence. Now, if only I could rid myself of the pesky Cadden, Cole, Norwood…etc etc. To be fair to Cadden, he was much improved. Obviously, his pace hasn’t, but sometimes, just sometimes, we play some lovely one-touch football which leaves our wingbacks in time and space to pick their cross, which Cadden did very well today.

Greater than what was left out was what was back. Hurrah for the return of Jordan Williams at right wingback, following injury. He was dominant, especially 1st half. Remember when we sold Brad Potts and got an even better replacement (Jacob Brown)? It reminds me of that. Britton (Brittain? Britain?) was poor last season, and to rob Blackburn of a million plus and replace him with Jordan is a great bit of business ‘IMHO’. (Can I say ‘IMO’. Why should I be humble about being right? There, I’ve said it.) After setting up Norwood early on (offside) he chases down a long diagonal from Kitching and hooks it back for an unmarked Cole to head home.

Back to Cadden, and he plays a huge hand in the second, killer goal, playing Tadic through on the left. Tadic only has the keeper to beat, but he squares it for fellow sub…(Christ, I’ll have to look up his name now, having got it wrong midweek…the Norwich bloke…) Josh Martin to tap into an empty net. Which is cue for me to once again regale youse with my favourite ever Barnsley miss….as Dire is clean through on the right….but instead of passing square for Sheron to have an empty net…goes for goal, cannons it off the far post and they go upfield and score. (We were beating Wolves and went on to lose). Sometimes, just sometimes, it pays not to be a greedy ba5tard and do what’s right for the team. And, may I say, with his runs, his intelligence, his pointing where players need to pass the ball…I thought Tadic looked better than our usual front two. Early days, but I look forward to seeing more of him.

Otherwise, it was a question of how many we’d get. Both Cole and Norwood crashed close rangers off the keeper from Cadden crosses, while Tadic had a one-on-one saved (though the run and holding off of the defender suggested better times ahead), while Kitching had one cleared off the line. Of course, as the game went on and we weren’t taking our chances, there were rumbles of the likelihood of a smash ‘n’ grab equaliser, but their only threat came late on as a consolation was ruled out for a foul on Collins. Easy.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jordan Williams. Welcome back.
** Kitching. Defends, attacks….gets booked for sarcastic applause. What’s not to like?
* Cadden. Got up the pitch, got the crosses in.

Official MOTM: Connell.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kitching 2= Jordan Williams / Cadden

Despatches:
I sat with Nozzer today, and was given a rundown of what makes Connell such a good player. (I’d been wondering). And it was true, he was much improved from last week, winning plenty of balls and laying off simple passes. But I defer to the yoof we overheard up the hill from Oakwell afterwards…’how the f*** did Connell get MOTM?’ At least the decision didn’t get booed, like midweek, though any standing ovation* was reserved for Jordan Williams, when he was subbed. We’ve missed him.

*what constitutes a ‘standing ovation’? I was standing, as were dozens of others, but way more fans remained seated. Does an ovation have to be a particular number? Or percentage? Or can one person standing up applauding count? Answers on a postcard, usual address.

Staying overnight, I also had the opportunity for more beers post-match. The town was mental, everyone wandering round in fancy dress for Halloween. Not being able to move for cleavage, we elected to leave new joint ‘The Old Tailor’s’ at the top of Regent Street for the basement of the Old #7 and 2 blokes shouting at each other about politics while Nozzer cringed in the middle. We know how to have fun.

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral City, Barnsley Blonde in Old #7.

Away: 189. If that.

Today’s take home: Can we play Forest Green every week?

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
= c.£31

The Tunes:
BBC5Live

BFC 0-1 Lincoln City, Tuesday 25th October 2022

‘And the official player of the match is #14….Josh Martin.’ ‘BOOOOOOOOO’.

Things are going from bad to worse. No, not the football, the state of traffic to the match last night. It’s bad enough that it’s an hour and half to Barnsley, without another hour for a burnt out car on the A1. Then, more blue light action on Huddersfield Road, stagnant traffic and me using my childhood knowledge of my nana’s ‘ends’ to rat-run through Pogmoor and Gawber. It was great to see Rowland Road and Summer Lane again, after all these years. I notice the Polish Club is now ‘The Old School House’ or similar. Well, it’s what the town’s Brexiteers would’ve wanted. That and economic doom.

The football? My God, it was worse than Satdy. Square, square, backwards, keeper…hoof. Is Keith Hill back? Coach Duff, hailed as the next big thing not a month ago, later told us we’d played well in that 1st half, passed it around, etc. Eh? In terms of numbers, probably. But what’s the point when it’s 10 yards square and you’re in your own half, under no pressure? Anything along the floor and forward, invariably by Kane or Benson, was either intercepted with ease, or taken off whichever forward didn’t know what to do with it. We created NOTHING.

We’d had a scare before their goal. The only goal. I looked up from staring into the abyss to see an Imp beat 2 of our players on their left, cut inside….and clip it off the outside of the post with Collins stranded. Which idiot defenders failed miserably this time? Turned out it was Benson and Cadden. All from a throw from their keeper from OUR corner. Appalling. Cadden has a hand in the goal too, as a crossfield ball finds him losing his player, Mandroiu. The latter chests it down, drives forward and hits a crisp shot across the keeper from 20 yards. A superb finish the like of which is utterly beyond any of our (fit) players. I can imagine Luke Thomas being capable and the longer he’s out, the better he looks.

Second half….it was TURGID. I had to provide my own entertainment by flicking Opal Fruit wrappers at the steward. Unfortunately, the kid next to me had seen me do it and wanted a go. It was his first ever game, bless, and mum was saying how it was great to be at Oakwell, with the atmosphere (!). The atmosphere? 15 mins in, the call went out over the tannoy for fans not to make any racist chants. If they’d have said ‘any chants’ they got their wish. I never heard anything from our support, though Lincoln came in numbers and seemed to be enjoying themselves.

It was the longest 45 minutes I’ve seen since Swansea came last season and wouldn’t let us have the ball. Lincoln did the opposite….letting us have all the ball we wanted, knowing we couldn’t do owt with it. Our only hope was corners and we had a couple of weak headers saved. Then, as injury time loomed, the parents put themselves out of their misery, dragging junior out for the sake of ‘beating the traffic’. Not seeing the equaliser would hopefully be a valuable lesson to this little Tyke. The cross came in. We had not one, but TWO players on their own, 6 yards out. HERE IT COMES. Yes, Norwood and Cole crash into each other. I can’t remember if I laughed or screamed. We are s***.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one.
** No-one.
* Kitching. Provided brief hope from corners.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
3 weeks ago I’d not seen us ever lose to Exeter, Morecambe or Lincoln. Now I’ve seen us lose to all 3. If only we weren’t playing Forest Green for the first time this Satdy. Oh. I didn’t even know when we’d last played Lincoln in a league game – turns out to be 75/76. But maybe their win wasn’t as surprising as I thought – they’ve 5 wins and a draw in the last half dozen league games against us. I have the twitter feed of ‘Barnsley FC Stats’ to thank for this one tho….we’ve now failed to score in 4 consecutive league games at this level for the 1st time since 1979 (a bizarre 4 game sequence which started in April 1972!) We didn’t even manage that under Little Lee.

Michael Duff. Hero to zero in weeks. I’m no master tactician, but I’d have thought the entire point of playing 3 centre backs is so you can have wingbacks who get up the field and deliver balls for forwards to score. We have Tom Edwards and Nicky Cadden. The former, finding himself in plenty of space due to smart passing moves (as opposed to pace) put 2 first half crosses into the stands. At least Tom Williams used to be running at pace as he launched his infamous efforts into Row Z. But at least he can defend. Fullback, yes. Wingback? No chance. Cadden, what can I say? I had high hopes. My mate Loko (who knows everything about everything) said he played a key role in getting Forest Green up. Great attacking wingback, etc. I presumed he was some 21 year old up and comer. He’s 26. We’ve signed a plodding journeyman without the pace to beat a player and without the nouse to defend. Early days, but he can’t hide behind the ‘he’s only young’ excuse.

Benson and Kane swapped positions this match, Kane playing higher up. More tactical genius. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, some of their balls were played into space and our front two simply didn’t read them. But what’s the point of passing to Cole and Norwood? No point at all. But I’ll leave analysis of their inabilities for another time. I’m depressed enough.

Martin (the Norwich loanee) was given another start. Must be charity week. He was awful (again) and I suspect whoever chose the man of the match was having a laugh. The other loanee bloke (or have we bought him? My interest is waning), the Burnley one whose name I can’t be ar5ed to learn came on later. I like him – he gives the ball away and then blames everyone else. Who was that midfielder who used to do that for us in the Golden Age of division 3, when we were in admin and he refused to give up his squad place even tho he was injured? ‘The new Redfearn?’ (I can’t remember, my memory has given up.) Anyway, a player whose name I don’t know reminded me of a player whose name I forget. If a sentence sums up watching the Super Reds right now, that’s it.

In more positive news, without the Londontykes coming en masse, I spent pre-match in Barnsley’s premier centre du biere….‘Heaven and Ale’, in the back streets behind Morrisons. Cracking pub, great company (not Nozza and Darrell, but a couple of pooches who insisted on a stroke). Plus some Black Country contractors marvelling at how great the pub 2 doors down from their Air BnB was. Recommended.

Drink du jour: CLWB Tropica (Tiny Rebel) in Heaven and Ale.

Away: 1,231. Superb turnout, great backing…but they had to give up baiting us (‘Is this a library?’) cos they got nowt back.

Today’s take home: Things could be worse. That burnt out car on the A1 could have been mine.

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
= c.£31

Morecambe 1-0 BFC, Saturday 22nd October 2022

‘Der Der Der Der….f*** the Tories’

A wise old sage once said….’Watching Barnsley is a good day punctuated by 90 minutes of garbage’. I think it was Nozzer, Satdy. I, too, had a great time, save for the actual football. Lovely journey across the Pennines…testing my eyesight in Barney (Barnard Castle to us locals)…a couple of great pubs in Lancaster…avoided drab Morecambe, save for a once proud ho(s)tel(ry), now derelict…then after the game, taking a wrong turn and ending up with a stunning view of Morecambe Bay. (It has to be said, I’m more of a fan than those poor Chinese cockleshellers of not so long since.) Yes, I rather enjoyed my day, actually, apart from the 90 minutes (plus injury time) of Morecambe v Barnsley. But you know I enjoyed that too, seeing the Super Reds capitulate to the bottom of the league Shrimpers. You Reds!

I tried to tempt fate wherever I went. We were on s*** hot form away. They were bottom of the league. I told the programme seller we’d win handsomely (though I did tell her she could rub my face in it at full-time). I told Nice Guy Chris his bet would finally come in….3-1 to the Super Reds and Mads to score. It didn’t, and he didn’t. Though to be honest, he could have retired a second time as he added Cole to score too. Let’s just say I offered him double the odds in the pub pre-match but he ‘didn’t wanna take my money off me.’ Safest grand I’ve ever offered to risk.

I was obviously ‘up for it’ today, as I gambled my entrance in a row over Opal Fruits on the way in. (Yes, Opal Fruits are BACK – limited edition in B&M – and I’ve 25 packets at home in my cupboard to prove it.) Did I have any food on me? ‘No’. And to be fair, he didn’t find the Opal Fruits in my bag. But he found a second packet in my coat I’d forgotten about. ‘You can’t bring any food in’ my jobsworth friend told me. Unfortunately, the rules of entry were on a wall right behind him. ‘Can you show me on the ground regulations where it says I’m not allowed to bring Opal Fruits into the match?’ ‘Errrr…I’ve been told…you can’t bring food into the ground. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?’ Would I!? God, yes. I wanna hear this. Sadly, it was all over far too fast for someone up for an argument. ‘Do you have any chips in your bag?’ (Chips? In my BAG?) ‘Eh? No.’ ‘OK, let him in.’

After 5 minutes, I was rather pleased I’d made kick-off. It was all us. ‘I wish there was some action at this end’ I told Reedy. I got my wish. We barely strung a pass together the rest of the half and star Shrimper Cole Stockton blazed a chance over from 8 yards. What was wrong with us? Without much to chomp on, I told Reedy what had been bugging me all season. What DOES Cundy do? I mean, I wasn’t saying he’s rubbish. I wasn’t saying he’s good. Just that….I don’t know what he does. He’s not commanding, like a Helik. He doesn’t spray passes around like a Mawson. He doesn’t make big challenges like a Kitching. ‘He stands in the right place.’ Which is the LEAST I expect of a centre half. About five minutes later he was stood in the right place again, as the ball trickled through his legs for a passing Shrimper to prod into an open goal. (We’ll ignore the inability of others to deal with the long throw.)

By half-time it was plain we needed to see a change and I was pleased to see Duff tap into my half-time team talk to replace Connell with Kane. Connell is another one my jury is still out on. I know one or two others have seen him play a decent match, but that was while I was on holiday. Today, he was simply getting rid of the ball as fast as it came to him. At least Kane offers a semblance of composure (and he also tested the keeper from 20 yards within 3 minutes of coming on). And just to complete the triumvirate on new players I’m yet to be convinced over….Jack Aitchison. Came on and did his usual floating about behind the front line to little or no effect. ‘Runs about’ Nozzer tells me. Again, the LEAST I’d expect from someone trying to make things happen up top. Think Luke Berry without the hair flick. I’d describe other events in the match…except nothing happened. We ambled up the pitch, then stopped. Despite having 3 centre halves, the wing backs appeared to halt once they came across an opposition full back. Cole was running about up front to no avail, but we couldn’t bring him off – all we had on the bench was a 16 year old. (I’m not saying we were desperate, but the vocal element kept chanting for Jalo.) The natural candidates to be hooked were the 2 ineffectual loanees behind Cole…I’ll learn their names when it becomes important enough. Suffice that one is called Phillips and their parent teams are Norwich and Burnley. Either way, they were atrocious and created NOWT, so off they went. It made no difference. It was that kind of performance.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Andersen. Nothing wrong with his game, his finest moment chasing back and reading a throughball. ** Ten Benson. Sprayed it around, had a 25 yarder tipped over. Sadly, had to give it to other players in red black. Why were Morecambe playing in dark shirts when their colours are red? * Kane. Did more in 3 minutes than Connell did in a half.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
63% possession, 14-5 on shots (3-1 on target)…sounds like we shoulda walked it. Talk about stats not telling a story. Morecambe fully deserved their victory.

Full marks to our fickle support too, songs celebrating ‘Michael Duffy’ (Michael Duff, shurely?) being replaced at full-time with ‘What a load of rubbish’. Well, it was.

And Jalo did get on. The 16 year old got his runout, as Duff went with a front 2. We got nowhere, though we did get a corner where I noticed Cundy was 2 inches taller than anyone near him. Now, what does he do again?

Drink du jour: A pale ale in the John O’Gaunt and a Paulaner Weissbier in the Stonewell Tap. Ahhhh, Paulaner. I love Paulaner. Can we play Morecambe again sometime???

Away: c.1500

Today’s take home: There’s no easy games in this division. Apart from Barnsley.

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
£21 ent
£3 prog
= £55

The Tunes:
Four Calendar Cafe (Cocteau Twins)
Ou est la Maison de Fromage? (John Cooper Clarke)
Kid A (Radiohead)
Fighting Talk (BBC 5Live)

Gateshead 2-1 Altrincham, Tuesday 18th October 2022

Gateshead 2-1 Altrincham, FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round Replay, Gateshead International Stadium, att. 585 (58 away)

After Saturday’s shock win for South Shields over Scunthorpe, it’s a 4th round FA Cup replay tonite between National Leaguers Gateshead and Altrincham. The draw has been made and the sides are vying for a 1st round tie at home to Stevenage. I’m not sure if that’s appetising or not, but fair play to the away fans this evening, making the journey midweek and making plenty of noise, at least in the first half.

I arrive expecting a bigger crowd. The ‘car park’ (American football pitch behind the ground) is closed, so I squeeze in to the sports centre car park. Full-time proves most of the cars belong not to ‘Heed’ fans, but folk playing ACTUAL sport. It’s gone from full to virtually empty. Gateshead FC must be expecting a small crowd though, as ‘programmes are online’. Disappointing. But the club has the sense to house both sets of fans in the Tyne and Wear (West) Stand, or ‘the stand with a roof’. Alty are to my left, while the home ultras make an equally good noise away to my left. Whatever Gateshead’s crowds, whatever that they play at an athletics’ stadium, the atmosphere has still been excellent in the 3 times I’ve been here.

The rest of the ground is empty, save for the odd ballboy. (It’s a long way from the posts to the open seating behind the goal.) It’s strange, but the game keeps me focused. I’m willing the home side on, being local, yet still find the 1st half highlight was a home player injuring himself diving into a tackle following his own miscontrol. Anyway, said player came up and joined us, second half. I didn’t say owt…

Otherwise, the Heed won it with a couple of goals in the first half from Andrew Campbell. A high press and underhit backpass left Campbell clear for the first, while his 2nd, 3 mins later in the 37th minute, came from a long ball over the top. Still, well-controlled and a composed finish. Alty pulled one back before the interval, a rebound from a spilled shot. The second half looked all set, but no-one brought the matches and the home side comfortably saw it out. Bring on Stevenage!

The Damage:
£15 ent
£4.50 Tyne Bank West Coast IPA
= £21.40

The Tunes:
Wet Leg (Wet Leg)

South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 15th October 2022

South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round, 1st Cloud Arena (Mariner Park), att. 2,353 (425 away)

South Shields 1-0 Scunthorpe United, FA Cup 4th Qualifying Round, 1st Cloud Arena (Mariner Park), att. 2,353 (425 away) It’s the final qualifying round of the FA Cup and here in the north-east there’s a choice of two; Blyth Spartans v Wrexham (the romantic choice, a repeat of their 77/78 5th round tie) or South Shields v Scunny, a repeat of their 1971 1st round clash. Having given it much thought, I plumped for Shields. I couldn’t face crossing the Tyne given the awfulness of the A1 roadworks from the Bowes Incline onwards. Not with a trip to Newcastle due the next day. Spartans could wait. Besides, at the 1st Cloud Arena (AKA Mariner Park), the shock was on, as the 7th tier hosts were up against a 5th tier Scunthorpe bereft of optimism, as relegation from the Football League has been followed by National League struggle, 2nd off bottom.

Mind, Shields are no mugs. Full-time professionals, they even include a player (Conor Newton) who once scored the winner in a Scottish League Cup Final – in 2013, for St. Mirren. OK, a long time ago, but still. Up front today is Dylan Mottley-Henry, a former player with my team, Barnsley (Games: 1). At the age of 25, he’s hanging on to his ‘professional footballer’ status. Or is he still finding his level? I’m disappointed that Scunny don’t include former Reds legend Jacob Butterfield, a delightful midfielder capable of scoring from distance with his trusty left foot….well, at least until Dirty Leeds’ Michael Brown broke him with one of his typical challenges. It’s been a painful 11 years since, watching his career slide. Coulda been a contender.

I park up in the adjacent Simonside industrial estate and enter via a QR code on my phone, a novelty for a non-league team. Whatthehell does ‘QR’ stand for? I’ve no idea. The home turnstiles are in one corner, inbetween the new stand and a tiny covered terrace of a couple of steps. Through the latter, smartly attired on the back wall with Shields’ flags, I head towards the clubhouse. The best thing about non-league is the ability to drink alcohol within view of the pitch and the best thing about Sjhields is the sheer varierty of bevvies available. I plump for a Beavertown Neck Oil, down it on the terrace, but when I go back for another one, word has got out; this isn’t allowed today, it’s the FA Cup. Any more alcoholic beverages will have to be consumed within the clubhouse.

I then debate where to view the game. The paddock in front of the old main stand looks ideal. However, the roof support is right in my vision, so, despite seeing the mascot, Sandy (folk from South Shields are known as ‘sand dancers’), I retreat to the area in front of the main stand, by the pitchside fence. It’s from here Shields take the lead, early from a corner. The ball is clicked on to the backpost where Mottley-Henry (who else?) heads into an empty net.

Half-time and I use the movement of the crowd to head towards the far end, next to the Scunny fans. That way I’d be able to hear the ‘bantz’ between them and the vocal home support behind the goal. Alas, any banter is one-way, as the Scunny lot have the grizzled look of Vietnam war veterans. Perhaps they will wake up screaming in the middle of the night, PTSD from watching their side plummet from Championship in 2011 to getting beaten by Northern Premier League upstarts now. Come to think, I bet Butterfield played against them that season.

Scunny apply more pressure this second half, but never really look like scoring. I’m most amused / irritated by the booking of the home goalkeeper for timewasting on 65 minutes. The next time he gathers the ball, he holds it for 11 seconds. When will referees ‘grow a pair’, or, at the very least, uphold the laws of the game? Shields see the game out comfortably before I head to the toilet in time to see part of the (brand new) door frame fall off and hit an old bloke on the head. Thankfully, he’s alright, but I’ll take it as a metaphor for Scunthorpe’s present predicament.

The Damage:
£12 ent
£3 programme
£4.20 Beavertown Neck Oil (pint)
£2.20 Beavertown Neck Oil (half)
= £21.40

The Tunes:
BBC5 Live
BBC Radio Newcastle
Wet Leg (Wet Leg)