BFC 2-1 Fleetwood Town, Thursday 29th December 2022

‘Am at football. No, I’m not having that conversation now. I’M AT FOOTBALL.’

I’m sure I saw this game 3 days ago. The Super Reds in complete control against lower end strugglers. Passes popped around with ease. Chances missed. And a baffling performance from the person in black (it’s a ‘he’ this time though…presuming Benjamin Speedie – is that his stage name? – identifies as such). Throw in a dodgy penalty for them, and our own appeals turned down, and I needn’t have bothered going tonite. It was Accrington Stanley away, all over again.

Mind, I nearly never got there. With the A1 knocked out due to an accident, a 90 minute drive took me nearly 4 hours. Good job I set off early, and I was still able to have a drink with Molly and Darrel in Heaven and Ale, followed by pie and peas and a drizzle of mint sauce from the Oakwell Sandwich Shop. It’s important to start with the highlights.

The other highlight, of course, was a late winner, leading to the bizarre sight of a pitch invasion by a 10 year old. As said kid is lead off by stewards, a row breaks out in the old Main Stand paddock from whence he came. If you haven’t seen the story, 2 stewards end up in hospital and another couple are treated at the scene. Higher casualty figures than when we play Washday or Dirty Leeds. But it does bode one safeguarding question…can you throw a child out of a football ground? What happens if something happens to him outside? Equally, as BFC are threatening to ban the parent, I’d be straight on to the missus (‘Can you say you took him, cos then you get barred, not me?’)…anyway, I said last night was history repeating itself, even down to the casual misogyny that presumes it’s dad who takes junior to Oakwell…

Yes, we WON!!!! Which didn’t occur the other day. It was all happening. After their soft penalty, Norwood goes down in instalments (even his dives are done in slow-mo) and the ref….’it’s like de ja vous all over again’ (sorry, I’m contractually bound to mention my favourite Shaka Hislop quote of all time at least once a season)….decides, as a sop to everyone, that it’s a corner. Listen, bud, it’s a penalty or a goalkick. But I’ll help you – it’s a goal kick. Manager ‘Super’ Michael Duffy obviously agrees with the one-eyed Ponty End and gets himself sent off for his troubles. It’s one-all, time is running out, and we are DESPERATE. So, who better to step up than no-sung hero Jason Cundy, with a banging header from Connell’s outswinger. YOU BEAUTY.

I said we’d been in total control, earlier. Indeed, once Norwood opened the scoring, you couldn’t see any other result. 1-0 to Barnsley. Great finish too, as Kitching had the vision to play a neat ball left, inside the penalty area and Norwood turned and hammered it high into the net from an angle. (I’d be disappointed if I was the keeper who conceded from there though.) From here, like Stanley on Boxing Day, there’s no way back from this. BUT THERE IS! Never, NEVER rule out a w*nker in black luminous yellow finding a penalty from nothing for the opposition. The ball is played through and Mads glances at their player before lifting his arms to avoid contact. The player deliberately runs across Mads and trips. He is running away from goal. There is simply nothing in it for Mads to commit this foul. The same opponent gets up and despatches the pen.

That was all second half. The opening half was us dissecting them and our comedy forward line failing to bag. ‘Norwood was everywhere’ someone said. If he was, he was getting there 10 mins after everyone else. In attack, he was often left behind as 4 other teammates overtook him. To his credit though, he delivered 2 absolute peaches into the box (think Harry Kane, the way he whips in crosses that Harry Kane would want). One of these unfortunately falls to Devante Cole, who studs the ball to the keeper from 4 yards. Where’s Super Sammy Winnall when you need him!? Apart from that, all our ‘class’ brought was a poor 20 yard effort from Kane (Herbie) which went wide.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. A colossus. Won everything, up high or down low.
** Connell. Doesn’t just win it and tap it to another player, capable of a long pass too.
* Kitching. Like Mads, intercepted a couple of potentially defence splitting passes, as well as getting up in attack.

Official MOTM: Was it Connell?

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Norwood 2. Andersen 3. Kitching

Despatches:
Cole got the hook to give our 17 year old Portuguese midget a run out and it worked – Jalo ran about and was a general pest (though his little legs made no inroads on an opposition player striding out). Still, he took one for the team by disrupting a counter attack at the cost of a yellow. Maybe he has the making of a professional yet. Collins’ timewasting began in the 71st minute this week, as he held onto it for 20 seconds. Funnily enough, he was a bit quicker once they equalised. I was a bit quicker late on too, getting home in an hour and a half. Special mention to Norwood too, for completing 90 minutes. COYR!

Drink du jour: CLWB Tropica at Heaven and Ale.

Away: 222. Unusually, their vocal element didn’t huddle at the back like every other team, they were in the middle of the stand, by the exit (sensible).

Today’s take home: R.I.P. Pele. (Tenuous Reds’ link….we played Pele’s old team Santos in a friendly, Premiership season.)

The Damage:
£29 travel (petrol)
= £29

The Tunes:
The Line is a Curve (Kae Tempest)
Muzik Slam Mix (Soma)
BBC 6Music
BBC5Live
BBC Radio 4
Paint the Sky with Stars – The Best of Enya (Enya)
Best of Chas ‘n’ Dave (Chas ‘n’ Dave)*

*a recent charity shop purchase. Unbearable, had to turn it off after 5 tracks.

Accrington Stanley 1-1 BFC, Monday 26th December 2022

‘I’ll give yer a Mexican spanking wi’ mi’ hand.’

It’s nice to be worked up every now and again, and on Boxing Day, I was worked up. All morning I had the stress of wondering if I’d even get in. Having spent Xmas in Lichfield (at the outlaws), I’d left my match ticket in County Durham. And whilst BFC’s Twitter proclaimed no more away ticket sales, Stanley’s suggested I could at worst buy a ticket in the home end on the day. In the end, I needn’t have worried. Arriving early (knowing many Reds fans would have to pick up duplicates due to Royal Mail strikes), I put my case to a confused ticket office worker. He took my details…before telling me no problem…there’s still tickets left in the away end and they’ll go on sale 1:30pm. Why don’t BFC tell fans these things? Later, I stood in a queue with a couple of Reds fans from Blackpool who’d had to learn from Stanley that they could buy a ticket on the day.

I’d left Sarah in the car, before we pootled into town for a lively drink in The Stanley (how apt!). The town had plenty of pubs and the pubs had plenty of Barnsley in them. By 2, it was time to leave, as Sarah had more sense than to come and watch BFC – she was off to the cinema. I parked up in a backstreet near the stadium and squeezed into The Crown, a hostelry adjacent to the (Crown) Ground. It was rammed, but I didn’t care, it was warm. But all good things must come to an end and I was determined to get in vaguely early (ie, before kick-off) and bag a prime spot on the terrace. Come on you Reds!

Course, being as long ago as 10 minutes since I last paid a visit, I needed the loo. And what an experience the Accy loos are. 2 portacabins of 3 urinals and 2 toilets (and one toilet each for the ladies) for a terrace holding about 1500. You know you’re short of toilets when Reds fans are p***ing in the sinks BEFORE kick-off. Took me back to Blundell Park and Grimsby, one year, where fans couldn’t wait to get at the troughs and p***ed against the walls, floors swilling in it. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as that, but it was bad. Almost as bad as the ref….

Seamless. What a link. Nobody noticed that one. The ref. Every week I find myself defending the ref against one-eyed Reds bias, but, without any other Londontyke to form a contrary opinion against, I found myself increasingly frustrated by this person in black. I have since looked at the BBC summary and it claims ’11-16’ on fouls. If that means they had 16 free kicks to our 11, I am convinced I watched a different game. Did I miscount 9 consecutive free kicks given to Accy, 1st half? EVERY SINGLE TIME a home player went to ground, it was a free kick. And that was her good half. (Did I mention the ref was female? Such a shame, as that encourages the usual comments, but proof even misogynists have a sense of humour as ‘we’re getting fined in the morning’ broke out amongst the away support, a reference to the £30k we’ve already been done for this season.)

Second half, and I write this 2 days later, these are the ‘decisions’ I remember: an Accy shot is blocked. Home fans appeal for a penalty for handball. It’s given. (I have yet to see a replay and the ball is at the other end, but I’m not sure what the defender – Cadden – could do about it.) The other ‘decisions’ are at our end. Cadden beats his man in the box and is shoved over. Ref gives a corner. (This is at 0-1.) It is either a penalty or a goalkick, but she does what refs do and consider a corner a ‘sop’ to both sets of fans.

Devante Cole is breaking into the box. At least he would be, were he not having a defender having hold of him with BOTH paws. Their player has hold of him for about 8 yards as he gets into the box before going down. Free kick at worst, penalty at best. And it’s on the linesman’s side. Not given. Later, Phillips turns the defender and if he could stay on his feet he’d be virtually clean through. But the linesman has flagged for a foul as the defender falls over Phillips leg. Listen, the defender GAMBLED and lost. He tried to get around Phillips and FAILED. I am verging on apoplectic now, with time running out. Still, the main official does more to get a decent atmosphere going than anyone in red, as injury time and beyond is consumed by an entire end and a half chanting ‘YOU’RE NOT FIT TO REFEREE’. I didn’t know what to think as I watched her trying to keep a brave face on as she left the pitch with her accomplices. (Misogynistic or not, you could tell she was trying to keep a hold on her emotions.) Either way, I’d like to think the chant erred on the side of the ref’s skillset rather than gender.

I know, I know. Cherry-picking a handful of decisions to prove a point. It’s what fans do, innit? But I was (internally) complaining during the first half, when we were winning, whilst arch refereeing critic Jonesy (in Corsica, watching on iplayer) felt she had a decent 45. I s’pose there’s nowt to moan about when you’re one up and cruising to an 8th consecutive victory, as we were. The Super Reds looked streets ahead of a Stanley side not much above the relegation zone. Kane pulled the strings in midfield and neat passes here and there pulled the home side all over the place. Defensively, they never got near our box, and we deservedly went ahead early as Norwood flicked in a header. That’s as many as 4 goals he’s scored this season. Almost worth the repeated the bursts from the yoof of ‘James Norwood’s on my mind and he’s Barnsley’s number 9’.

The ref’s equaliser, round about the hour mark, still provided plenty of time for us to go on to victory, but in truth, we looked winded. Still, great pen, buried hard to Collins’ right, while he dove left. Kane-esque (in the days before he blazed them high and cost England the chance of a World Cup semi, ho ho). Thereafter, the officials prevented our best moves (see earlier) save for Phillips running clean through. Problem was, he was running clean through treacle, and as defenders closed in, he sidefooted his effort straight at the keeper. Not quite the ‘couldn’t hit a barndoor’ I’ve been used to, but most definitely not the ‘5 goals in 6’ I’ve not. 2 points dropped. Cheers, ref.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kane. Lovely little passes, running midfield.
** Andersen. Another clean sheet (ish). Best defender in this league?
* Norwood. Credit where it’s due. Held it up, brought players in, scored. Can’t last the full 90, but neither would I with that bod.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kane 2. Andersen 3. Kitching

Despatches:
The atmosphere. I had a great view, back of the terrace, right behind the goal. I was also just to the left of ‘da yoof’ and fair play, they make some noise. But…and I’ve been to games where I thought I was imagining this….what is it with their attitude towards joining in chants that others start? I am convinced that they rarely join in with anything they don’t start themselves. And they only have 2 chants, the one proclaiming James Norwood to be ‘always on my mind’ (he’s often on my mind too, pretty much every time Adeboyejo scores ANOTHER goal for Burton). Then there’s this:

‘We’ve got super Michael Duffy
He knows exactly what we need
Mads at the back
Devante in attack
We’re gonna win the f***ing league’

It’s a great chant. Presumably stolen from some Premiership team or other, with a Reds themed verse supplanted (or am I being unfair on their collective braincells?) My only issue is this: we are not going to win the league with Devante Cole (or James Norwood, or both) in attack. Just saying.

I could also kill their idea of fashion too. At one point, I was stood within 2 metres of 8 pairs of Adidas (it may have been more, as it became crowded). Listen, kids, I wear Adidas. Go and get your own brand. Aren’t Sketchers for the kids? Who knows?

Oh, and I nearly forgot….Cadden broke clean through 2nd half, and drove it at the keeper. It’s ok tho, we’re one up and absolutely CRUISING. (We finish at 20-4 on shots.) What can go wrong? Let’s not blame the ref….

Drink du jour: Beavertown Neck Oil, at both The Stanley and The Crown.

Away: c.2000

Today’s take home: Happy Xmas!

The Damage:
£20 ent
£3 programme= £23

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music
BBC5Live
Lotta Sea Lice (Courtney Barnett and Kurt Vile)
London Conversations (The Best of St. Etienne)

Spennymoor Town 1-3 Darlington, Tuesday 20th December 2022

Spennymoor Town 1-3 Darlington, FA Trophy 3rd Round, The Brewery Field, att. 1,005

One advantage of the recent freeze is that Satdy’s big FA Trophy derby game (big by the standards of County Durham) was postponed, allowing me to come to the re-arranged fixture the following post-thaw Tuesday. Maybe Kev would be up from Ashton? Yes, he was, looking after his ma. Would Joe be out? No, alternative ‘duties’. What is it with these people, prioritising family at Christmas time?

My first mission was to bag a ticket. For such a high profile fixture, there’d be no tickets on the day, a sign of the festering ill-feeling between these two sides since Darlo’s reformation in the Northern League. 3 promotions later, you’d think both sides would be in a happier place. Durham Constabulary were here in double figures tonite (ok, I counted ten). Thus, inbetween ‘duties’ of my own (dropping stuff off at the charity shop, buying porridge at Asda) I called in at the social club within the Brewery Field to purchase my ticket. ‘Do you have any proof of address?’ Eh? ‘No……well, I do, I have my driver’s licence, which shows my previous address in London. But you can test me on the streets of Ferryhill (next door to Spenny). Not Spenny though, I don’t know Spenny too well.’ ‘’Oh, ok. Just checking you’re not a Darlo fan.’ I’d have thought they’d be grateful for the custom either way.

I parked up at the back of the town hall and enjoyed a walk to the ground. There were few people in the (still cold) streets. Would there be anybody at the ground? Although 20 minutes early, it seemed most fans were already in, certainly in the away ‘end’, an open terrace which runs the length of the far touchline, interrupted by a gantry for the TV camera. Programme purchased, I nipped into the social club for a quick beer. Alongside the drudge of Carling and Coors they had some craft ales in cans. I’ll take one. Well, it was that or WKD Blue mixed with Caffreys, a round of which was being purchased at the adjacent till.

Wolfing my drink down while watching a bit of the darts on the big screen, I ventured out to find a spot. Behind the goal is a small covered terrace, with a propped roof. I figured it’d be nice and cosy in there, and it was till a young lad started talking to me in a broad Yorkshire accent. Spenny fell behind to two early goals and were, to all intent, out of it. My new mate was slating them good and proper. ‘They don’t care. There’s no passion. They’re not trying.’ Turned out he was one of their latest signings, albeit cup-tied tonite. ‘I’d have smashed him there’ he cheerfully pointed out as Darlo forward Hazel turned the defender before finding the opposite corner for the 2nd. Anyway, I hope this new lad is as good as he thinks he is. He’s certainly not short of confidence, for a player sent out on loan.

The first goal came from a half volleyed scoop over the top of the cumbersome centre half and midfielder Lambert got there ahead of the defender to lift it over the keeper. Quality ball, quality finish. So obviously a row broke out to my life over whose fault it was. It’s ok saying the keeper was in no-mans land, but when the defender should’ve been favourite for the ball and came second…..well. The second was as sweet a move as you’re likely to see, as Darlo passed their way through Spenny, starting from their own half, before the ball was driven home from the edge of the box. No wonder the players milked the celebrations, incurring the ire of the home fans. 14 minutes in and the game looked as good as over. Darlington were different class, not that my mate agreed. ‘But there’s a reason they’re top of the league and Spenny are 19th’ I told him.

By half an hour in, the game was up. This time it did look a comedy of errors. A deflected shot drops to the edge of the area, where the keeper runs out to his favourite position (no-man’s land). Only this time the defender gets a leg to it first, looping the ball to the left of the box where Hazel volleys a bobbler towards goal which a defender hoofs into the roof of the net. We are 29 minutes in and local honours are decided. It becomes a case of ‘how many?’ until Darlo take the foot off the gas second half and allow a consolation, the striker nicking ahead of a defender and toe poking it past a wrong-footed keeper.

By now I’m chatting to a Boro fan whose been dragged along by his young son. ‘We have Wigan at home, then Blackburn away on the 29th’. ‘Wrong way round’ interjects another fan. ‘No it isn’t.’ ‘Yes it is, I know, I’ve got tickets.’ Turns out our interloper is a Sunderland fan and they’re both right. I ask the latter where Spenny got this Ramshaw from, up front. ‘He’s always been here. Been here years. He’s shite.’ Ten seconds later he’s named MOTM. He WAS shite, mind. One goal in 20 this season.

The Damage:
£15 ent
£2.50 programme
£3.80 can of wheat beer (440ml)
= £21.30

The Tunes:
Octopus (Bees)

BFC 2-0 Burton Albion, Saturday 17th December 2022

‘Please show your appreciation for James Norwood.’ ‘Get off.’

Work begins apace on the pedestrian rail bridge...4 years after they closed the level crossing.

‘Please show your appreciation for James Norwood.’ ‘Get off.’
It’s over a month since I’ve seen the Super Reds and after yesterday, I can’t say I’ve missed it. Without a car for a month, I’ve sat in the warmth of my living room watching a World Cup. Yesterday, I was cold, bored and willing the game to end. And we were WINNING. Christ knows how miserable our half time quartet of me, Reedy, Nozzer and Slacki would’ve been had Devante Cole not put us ahead with a deft flick from Matty Wolfe’s right wing cross. Mind, ‘I’m alright Jack’ Slack had the comfort of one of his advent calendar malt whiskies…ba5tard.

The game was flat from start to finish. Even in the morgue that is Oakwell, the atmosphere was dead. It can’t have helped that opponents Burton didn’t bring anybody. 172 in the away end? Not that I saw. First team this season not to tell us Barnsley is a sh*thole. The Ponty meantime was half empty. Maybe our ‘yoof’ were in town, drinking. It is Christmas, after all.

Burton were/are awful. With minimum fuss we absolutely dominated the game without taking advantage of numerous counter-attacks in the second half, as Burton pushed up. My favourite failure was a 3 on 2, with Cole in possession. Did he deliberately play the ball slightly behind sub Jalo, so the latter would have to pass it back? Or is he simply not good enough? I think I can confidently say it’s the latter with Cole….and I’ll still give him MOTM. He kept the ball well, got his head down, and, crucially, scored 2 goals.

The opener I’ve alluded to already. With all the time in the world Cole elected to go for a fancy flick which dribbled in. He could have simply stopped the ball and put it wherever he liked, as defenders ran hither and thither. Burton were all over the place. His second, after 73 minutes, killed the game off and alleviated the nagging feeling that however woeful Burton were, the Super Reds are capable of conceding an equaliser to anyone. Cadden beat his man in wonderful fashion down the left, putting the ball past him and running around his opposite side, before putting it on a plate for Cole, 4 yards out. Can we go home now?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cole. Led the line well enough and bagged 2 tap-ins.
** Connell. Consistently winning the ball and setting off counter-attacks.
* Mads. Immense. Of all the players we can’t afford to lose this January….

Official MOTM: Cole

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cole 2. Connell 3. Andersen

Despatches:
Rumours of the demise of our players’ health appear greatly exaggerated. True, there was no Benson, or Edwards, or goal machine Phillips (who I’ve never seen score). But we had Matty Wolfe back after a 4 month lay-off and it was great to see the forgotten man return. His highlight (aside from setting up the opener) was carrying the ball 50 yards before it was laid off for Kane to weakly hit at the keeper, despite having enough time to control it and pick his spot/cross it. He also had a bizarre decision go against him on the right wing as the full back slipped with Matty a good 2 yards away. Obviously a free kick, then. How else would a Barnsley player be clean through out wide?

Kane kept things moving in midfield, while the defence was solid, despite the return of Cundy. I thought Jordan Williams was quiet though, lacking the usual runs down the right. My main remembrance of Kitching was him missing an easy goalscoring chance early on, heading tamely at the keeper from a corner. Up top meantime, I spent the match wondering what Norwood brings to this team (I’d rather have kept Big Vic – and his Burton goals) but if you see our first goal, Norwood sets up the counter with a sublime headed flick. (That was it, mind you.) Then, with the game won, Duff chucked on Jalo in his place before hauling off Cole and denying him his one and only chance at a Reds hattrick. (Feel free to save that comment and shove it in my face when he does….ha ha haaaaaaaaa….not a chance.)

Drink du jour: Hoppy Botanist rhubarb crumble and custard pale ale. Not recommended. (I don’t know what I hoped for; it tasted like it said on the tin.)

Away: 172. Allegedly.

Today’s take home: Dare to dream.

The Damage:
c.£30 travel
= c.£30

The Tunes:
BBC5Live phone in. (Chris Sutton saying he’d rather stick pins in his eyes than manage Rangers.)