Exeter City 3-1 BFC, Tuesday 28th March 2023

‘Some women use their personalities as a contraceptive.’

I ummed and arred. Should I do it? Should I go to Exeter? A 700 mile midweek round trip from County Durham? I checked the BFC website last Satdy. Supporters coach, £41. But do I really want to do it all again after the debacle of January’s postponement, when we were within 50 miles of our destination? I’ll have a think. I’ve never seen the Reds there. It’s been 40 odd years since the last time. And we might get promotion and have to wait another 40 years. By the following day, I thought ‘F*** it. Let’s do it.’ Nice Guy Chris and Oakwell Historian would be doing it, and they actually REACHED Exeter last time. I logged onto the BFC website….the coach had sold out.

By now I was determined. I’ll drive. New car and all, honeymoon period, etc (a 9 year old Audi A3 since you ask….and already I’m peed off as the DAB radio has stopped working). I booked a hotel…£50, reasonable. Though a single room and ‘shared toilet.’ Course, I hadn’t told the other half. This would mean getting back about 4pm the following day, with plasterers destroying the house. Then on Monday God/Loko intervened (same difference according to one person). He needed my ST number for Burton away tickets…and having logged in and stumbled around the ticketing page….I discovered I had a coach ticket for Exeter! Surely not!?

I’d put one in the ‘trolley’ on Satdy, but hadn’t bought it. What wizardry was this? Could it be…could it…that I was entitled to ‘free’ coach travel cos of the aborted mission in January? I rang Oakwell. YES! My name is on the list. I could be back at Oakwell at 3am after the match and be home in time for plasterers. Joy. But why had I not been told? ‘I’m sure it’s been on our socials’ said a ticket office operative dubiously. Hmmm. ‘But why’s it not on the ticketing page of the website? Wouldn’t that be the logical place to put it?’ Does the club’s official website count as ‘socials’? I have just searched up ‘Exeter’ on the website and there is definitely no mention of anything about coach tickets being re-usable form the original fixture.) I told her not to worry, after 40 years I’m used to this kind of incompetence from Oakwell. And to be fair, they did offer me a refund…but the earlier I got home the better.

I’d say it’s pretty obvious the match ticket is re-usable…the game didn’t take place. But when I paid £41 for a coach journey, did that coach journey take place? Yes it did. I still had my 400 miles of coach. Another fan on Tuesday told me ‘you’re always entitled to a replacement journey if the coach doesn’t reach its destination.’ How many times does THAT happen? Meantime, another fan told me a couple of others had made their own way down by car cos they didn’t know they were entitled to the replacement coach. So I wasn’t the only one. Maybe, like me, they’re a bit thick – one of them is only a solicitor. Oh, and goodbye to that 50 quid I’d paid for the hotel. It was too late to cancel. Still, we got a free scarf on the bus. Something about them being left over from some charity day or sumfing, but they’re very nice. Yours for 50 quid.

So it was that I rocked up at midday for the coach. Got to the ground at 6:30 after the odd hold up, in time to miss a tour of City’s museum with Oakwell Historian. Not to worry….straight into the ‘Centre Spot’, their welcoming social club next to the ground. Big room, 2 bars (one cask), plenty of choice of ale. We were joined by Big Al, who’d travelled all of 40 minutes from his home turf of Torquay. Will he go 2 from 2 after seeing us lose at Plymouth in August? The Captain was there too, visiting his bro nearby. (Down there, I think within 100 miles is ‘nearby’.) We reminisced about the old Oakwell social club, and I reminded everyone how we were promised a replacement when the Ponty End was rebuilt. Maybe a crap beer in a crushed concourse DOES constitute ‘a replacement?

The away entrance was less than a minute away. Chris looked down on us from the IP Office Main Stand, while us plebs stood behind the goal on that tiny terrace. The view was poor which didn’t help our mood as the match drifted away from us. Those watching on iplayer didn’t think the 1st half was so bad, but from where I was stood, only one team threatened. Bobby Thomas had already cleared 2 corners before their left winger outfoxed Jordan Williams, cut inside and had the wherewithal to curl it into the far corner. A beautiful finish – if we’d done it. We continued to live dangerously. I’d take going in only one down. Then, from nothing, we score. Well, from nothing was a free kick in their half, Bobby Thomas prodding the cross home. Wow, we’re level at the break and we can only improve.

How wrong I was. What a meek second half performance, despite the subs. I haven’t even reached the terrace before they go ahead. Following a comfort break, I’d snuck up in the stand to chat to Chris in time to see Jordan Williams get done again. This time the player cuts it back and it’s sidefooted in from 10 yards. We are back to where we started, only with less time to rescue it. So much for the half time break and team talk. We threaten twice in the rest of the game. Sub Tedic gets unlucky as a shot from an angle hits the keeper’s trailing legs, while Phillips must score clear the bar with the ball rolling nicely to him. Him and barn doors don’t go well together (when I’m there).

Exeter nearly extend their lead with a floated header that goes just the wrong side of the post as we waited with baited breathe for it to land in the goal. Seemed to take an age that one. But just as we think we’re still in this one, Isted spills a shot and Bobby Thomas (I’m not being formal mentioning his forename, Luke is back too) nearly breaks their player’s leg as the latter steams in on his blind side. Problies lucky it’s in the penalty area, as coulda been a red for me. The pen is poor, nice height for a keeper, Isted goes the right way…but it’s through his hands. It’s that kind of night. Not even 8 minutes of injury time (Exeter timewasting) can save us. With no traffic on the roads, we’re at Oakwell for 3 and I’m home by 5am, via an unhelpful detour around Wakefield with the M1 closed. GRRRRRRR!!!!!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Bobby Thomas. I know. I’m giving MOTM to a bloke who gave away a penalty. That’s how bad we were.
** Norwood. Ran around. Did I say we were appalling? Closed down their defenders, so was hoicked around the hour mark.
* No-one. I was scraping the barrel with the first 2...

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Andersen 2. Bobby Thomas 3= No-one/Norwood

Despatches:
It was great to see Big Al and The Captain – so it wasn’t a total waste of a journey. I also bought a couple of cheap burgers from the MacDonalds at a service station around midnight. I couldn’t believe they were still serving. Not that I got them though – 10 minutes later they still hadn’t arrived and I was scared the coach was gonna leave me behind! My phone had also died and my battery pack didn’t work. I can’t believe the coach didn’t break down too.

I was wrong about something else too. I take back the idea that having the Ipswich game postponed last Satdy was a GOOD thing for our chances. Exeter played, they’d be tired. Our constant Sat-Tues-Sat-Tues routine of late would catch up with us had the Ipswich game gone ahead. (Maybe it would have; maybe we’d have lost 6-0 at Exeter?) Annoyingly, tonite’s defeat has increased our chances of playing Exeter again next season. I needn’t have bothered…

Drink du jour: Tribute Cornish Pale Ale.

Away: 450. And we all got a voucher from BFC for a free drink (non-alcoholic) to recognise our efforts in getting there. Even those from Torquay. And a round of ‘How s*** must you be, you sit down away’ aimed at the seated Reds.

Today’s take home: I preferred last Tuesday!

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
‘free’ coach
£50 hotel
£23 ent
£3 programme
£11 round of drinks
= £117. Bargain.

Wycombe Wanderers 0-1 BFC, Saturday 18th March 2023

‘Have that! Sh*tty sh*thousing c***s.’

After 8 wins and 2 draws from our last 10 games, another Manager of the Month for Duff, and crushing victories against the likes of Derby and Plymouth, wasn’t it great to see the Super Reds win another way? Clinging on, backs to wall, poor performances all over the park…and we came through it. SURELY promotion beckons!?

That first half was as bad as….home to Wycombe (0-3). Coincidence? Or do they just have a style of playing which we have trouble with? We should have been 3, maybe 4, down by the interval. Yet I don’t remember Isted making a (decent) save. The Chairboys could miss the target from anywhere, probably the worst being the rebound from 8 yards after Isted palmed it nicely into his path. (One shot on target in 10 attempts, I’ve checked.)

And yet…if Watters had any pace…or could even match an octogenarian with a walking frame…we’d have snatched the lead on the break. Is he just terrible, or the proverbial ‘lacking in confidence’? Still, he’s perked the likes of Norwood and Cole up, the latter pair presumably seeing Watters on the training ground and thinking ‘the manager CAN’T POSSIBLY think this bloke is better than ME’. The subsequent trot and powderpuff effort from Watters was at least at the other end, so difficult to see in its full ‘glory’. Half the Londontykes missed this (still not back from half-time beers) but Watters missed another chance at the start of the second half, as Phillips whipped in a great ball and the farmer former headed over.

The second half was more even but we carried zero threat, till Duff started chucking the subs on. And what a bench! Cole and Tedic came on for the ineffectual Watters and Norwood. Halfway through the half, Duff pulls Kane and sticks Thomas on. Phillips somehow survives till 78 minutes, when him and Cadden make way for Benson and Larkeche. In Benson, we finally have a player who’s prepared to put his foot on the ball while Thomas (Luke) is prepared to run at players. It is on decisions like these that seasons depend. Thomas beats his man, sprints to the touchline and pulls it back for Tedic to bang a header into the top corner. You f***ing Reds! 85 minutes gone, proper smash and grab. There is no way in a million years Wycombe will score. And they don’t.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. A wall at the back in the face of Wycombe pressure.
** Kitching. Defence and attack. And stupidity. Who doesn’t love stupidity?
* Tedic. Could anyone else have scored that header?

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Andersen 2. Kitching 3. Luke Thomas

Despatches:
I’d like to give Nice Guy Chris the assist for the goal. For a good minute he pondered whether to go to the toilet or not. ‘I think you should, Chris. We need to try something different.’ We were to the right of the net as you look at it. Chris never even reached the back of the goal before we’d scored. COYR!

Before the goal…and before the 78th minute…my main entertainment involved tormenting poor Chris about future Ballon D’Or winner Adam Phillips. The ghost of Direwatch loomed, as Phillips couldn’t put a foot right (aside from that earlier cross). Did that shot of his clear the stand? Or just the bar? (Well, he was maybe 15 yards out, long way to hit a barn door from). But no, my favourite bit(s) were the twice he completely missed the ball, swiping away at clean air. These were the occasions he crept out from his anonymity. (For the record, Kane was equally terrible.)

Another player noted negatively was Kitching. Don’t disagree with a foul, spend two seconds THINKING about what to do…then throw the ball away in disgust. Are you THICK? (It’s a rhetorical question.) Of course, it’s a nailed on yellow, whether he disagreed with the ref’s decision or not (and it was a soft one). This is in the first half hour, so he’s risking a sending off…and maybe defeat. And I hear that if he gets booked once more he misses two games. He’s an idiot. I love him!

And don’t underestimate Cole’s cameo, holding the ball up for (Luke) Thomas to make his run for the winner. And what a finish from Tedic, a bullet header into the top corner. He’s had his 7 months’ rest. It’s now time to shine.

Still, party time. Chris and Lord Selwood slope off early to get the last train out of Dodge (another railstrike) while the rest of our 8 (wo)man party jump into a taxi to celebrate in Slacki’s ‘pub’, a converted garage in his front garden. And I have to say, very good it is too. Space Invaders, darts, Brewdog on tap, Sky Sports. Even the service isn’t too bad. There’s even time for me to lose weight eating a curry, the sweat pouring out of me. Bl**dy hot these dhansaks!

Drink du jour: Brewdog Planet Pale. And whatever someone got me from the Wycombe Wanderers fan zone, a large marquee outside the ground

Away: 1,020.

Today’s take home: Someone call the police – there’s been a robbery.

The Damage:
£73 travel (petrol)
£23 ent
= £96

Sunderland 1-2 Sheffield United, Wednesday 15th March 2023

Sunderland 1-2 Sheffield United, Championship, Stadium of Light, att. 37,490

Do you remember the days when football was cheap enough that you could attend high level fixtures on a whim? Well, you’d have to be my age, at least. Not that tonite was one of them either, as I paid 29 quid to see what 2nd in the Championship (Sheffield United) looks like. My partner is away with work and I’ve licence to roam….so it’d be a shame to stay in when there’s match down the road. But if I baulk at the admission charge, how many others are put off, or priced out? Obviously not enough, if a crowd of over 37,000 is anything to go by.

And this was a ‘cheap’ ticket. I found myself behind the goal, 3 rows back. Worryingly, my ticket said ‘singing section’. Not much chance of that, though I did enjoy a round of ‘Tony Mowbray’s red and white army (we hate Boro)’ from the stand. The manager is a former legend at local rivals Middlesbrough….though any Mackem will tell you they’re not remotely bothered about Boro. If Sunderland fans aren’t bothered by Boro, why do they keep telling me?

The Blunts (Blades) look a step up in class in the opening 20 minutes. Sunderland can’t get the ball and all the action’s at the far end. Not great when you’re so low down. Why do people LIKE sitting so close to the pitch? I have no idea whether United are 10 yards or 30 yards from goal. Still, I get a great view of Sunderland hitting them on the break and Michut (on loan from PSG) firing across the keeper into the corner. 1-0, completely against the run of play. It stays like this till 1st half injury time. And just as the extra minutes are announced and the Mackems dream of creeping in at half-time with a lead, Sheffield hit back. Looked a smart finish…but I’m miles away.

At the interval I have the obligatory comfort break and marvel at the sweet smell of the toilets. It’s vape heaven for the teenagers, who’ve probably never even heard of smoking. I decant to the stand and wonder whether I can find a seat higher up. Then I notice some fans walking past a steward into the (Main) West Stand. There’s plenty of empty seats in there (and not just in a virtually empty upper tier). I nonchalantly walk past and find a suitable perch with a perspective of the game, not just the pitch. These seats would normally cost THIRTY FIVE QUID. Yes, you read that right. Still, it’s a nice view.

The second half is much more even, but United pinch it with a free kick that everyone misses and it sneaks in at the far post. Berge is offside, and clearly distracting the keeper, but there’s no VAR at this level (though a match in the Czech Republic last week in front of about 600 had it) and the locals are disgruntled. There’s half an hour left, but the home side barely threaten aside from a Roberts 20 yarder which cannons back off the post. This leaves Sunderland 8 points off the play-offs with 9 to play, surely all over. The Blades meantime, taking advantage of Boro (who no Sunderland fan cares about) drawing last night to go 6 points clear in the race for 2nd.

The Damage:
£29 ent
= £29

*pre-match I spent in the Dun Cow in the city centre, a charming Victorian boozer with a cracking selection of beers (and prices to match). Tiny Rebel Peaches and Cream IPA anyone? Followed by a Schneiderweiss, one of my favouritest German wheat beers.

The Tunes:
BBC5Live