BFC 0-3 Ipswich Town, Tuesday 25th April 2023

‘Spackmoid!!??’

Well, that was an interesting experiment on what we’d look like against a decent team without Connell playing. Say we get promotion, and sell him, is that what a home game looks like next season? I dunno. Pre-match, I stuck up for Russell as the pub gave out a collective groan upon hearing the line-up. Where’s Luca? (Illness?) For me, Russell looks a class act. And as Tuesday showed, shame he can’t run. Was it Darrell likened him to Tom Huddlestone (and not in a complimentary way)? Former England international, I added. Of course he was….played a few games for Spurs, didn’t he?

Russell’s sole contribution…and I enjoyed it, actually….was ‘racing’ back to cover after Cadden got the ball stuck under his feet and lost it. Their bloke jogged 40 yards with the ball before Russell finally almost caught up and scythed him down in our half for a booking. Honestly, it had to be done. Otherwise, I’d be likening him to Jacob BF Mellis, in that he’s obviously got skill, but doesn’t move. I think most of this is down to manager’s orders. However, there is no doubt he lacks the bite of Connell, and is incapable of bringing the ball forward. I’d say he’s a bigger version of Mitch Ward, master of the 6 yard square pass.

This is not to do down Ipswich. They are far and away the best side I’ve seen us play this season. Even when it was goalless, they looked the more likely. Such a shame then that on the cusp of half-time (and a talking to from Duff) we find time to concede not one, but two, poor goals. A corner is flicked home at the near post. How can their player POSSIBLY be unmarked? Oh, he’s Russell’s man. The look of bewilderment on the latter’s face is not a joy to behold. ‘What’s this? My man is allowed to MOVE? No-one told me that.’ On a serious note, losing a player late on affects your defensive set-up on deadballs. But it’s still criminal defending.

Then, a minute later, Mads gets into a tussle with George Hirst, son of former Red, David. The ghost of Bolton home must loomed large as Mads, no doubt scared he’ll get another sending off, allows Hirst to run on before rifling it in from 20 yards. Dad would be proud of that power. 2-0 down, the second half is a formality. The ref finds them a penalty (saved; the one bit of cheer we got) but as Ipswich start showboating, a chip over our defence has us in all kinds of trouble. Isted saves the initial toepoke before former Red Conor Chaplin completes the rout, controlling and lobbing the ball over our stranded keeper. ‘Norwich City, we’re coming for you’ rings out as Oakwell empties with ten minutes to go.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Bobby Thomas. All of these are based purely on the first half. Thomas returned to form with good defending and confident distribution.
** Kitching. The one player to run with the ball. Our left sided centre half.
* Phillips. As well as actually trying to score (he had half our first half shots) he tracked back well.

Official MOTM: Isted.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Kane / Kitching 3. Bobby Thomas

Despatches:
In a must-win game, our attempts at goal were as follows (and if I’ve missed any, I was having a p***):
1. Phillips breaks from midfield and we’ve numbers in attack. With more space in front of him, he elects to drag one wide from 30 yards. This is the typical panicked shot of a team who think they’re up against a superior side. Shoot early and hope for the best.
2. Phillips again. 20 yard shot from edge of box, deflected softly into keeper’s hands.
3. A Norwood 20 yard left foot bobbler eventually reaches the keeper. Tomorrow.
4. 2nd half, Cole turns and shoots inside the box…high and wide. Rubbish.
5. Watters turns and hits one while wide left in the box. Excellent strike, but easily saved as the angle was against him.

And that was it. In a game we had to win. True, there were promising first half performances (I’d add Jordan Williams and Kane) but it’s summed up when the keeper gets MOTM for a penalty save. Did he stop any others? None that weren’t routine. Meantime, they hit 3 and had had another effort smash the bar, 1st half.

To end, we need to not let this bother us (Ipswich are, after all, going up automatic). Presumably Connell is back next game, we end well, and prepare for the play-offs, where we absolutely have to improve away from Oakwell, or we’re out. And with Bolton surprisingly losing at home to Accrington tonite, our opponents could still be any of Wanderers, (Not Wayne Rooney’s) Derby County, or Posh. I vote losing at home to Posh on the last day so we can do them in the play-offs!

Drink du jour: Jaipur in Heaven and Ale with Wolfie. He’s a beauty!

Away: 4,855. Fantastic, midweek and all. Mind, they were louder pre-match than actually during it.

Today’s take home: Without Connell in midfield, we are nothing.

The Damage:
c. £30 petrol
= £30

BFC 2-0 Oxford United, Saturday 22nd April 2023

‘It’s like a cricket match in here today.’

It was like an end of season game with nought to play for. Like what we used to have from February onwards in the days before the play-offs. This match will live short in the memory, a perfunctory two goal win against a side on the edge of the relegation zone. The truth is, we never really got going and were still far too much for Oxford, though I’m sure I heard their manager reckon they were the better side. Deluded.

Indeed, our manager had a bit of a go at our ‘fans’ afterwards, castigating some for having too much expectation. Wins are never easy, etc. The atmosphere was zero and I think the bench could hear the chuntering behind the dugout. Let’s hope the fans’ resignation at only making the play-offs is not contagious to the players. But fans are nothing if not greedy.

To highlight how forgettable this game was, I’ll share my most memorable moment. A clearance arched high towards the halfway line and sub Russell brought it down with a daintiness I’ve never even seen at Saddlers Wells (probably because I’ve never seen ballet at Saddler’s Wells, or, indeed, anywhere). It was an exquisite bit of skill in a nothing match.

Oh yes, we won two goals to zero, both notched by Tedic. What a difference it makes, making the run BEFORE the ball comes in, BEFORE everyone knows where it’s going. The opener, he allowed the ball to cut across his body to deflect in with his left, and the 2nd was a header. Coupled (Trebled?) with an earlier header superbly saved, he coulda been sitting on a hatrick. I’ve doubts about his all-round game, but with coaching, maybe there’s a footballer there yet.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Super Ted(ic). If the season started again, he’d be hitting 25+.
** Isted. Two super saves, one from a free kick at 0-0 and one late on.
* Phillips. We’re all about the twos this week. 2 sublime crosses from Phillips for the goals. Always liked him!

Official MOTM: Tedic

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Tedic 2. Phillips 3. Isted

Despatches:
Norwood looked hungry when he came on. Then again, I guess he always looks hungry, ho ho. And I’ve no doubt he would’ve added to our goals tally were he not partnered late on with that utter moron Watters. Twice we break 2 on 1 and twice Watters messes it up. Is there anything he can’t not do?

Drink du jour: A pale ale in Spiral City.

Away: 663

Today’s take home: Meh.

The Damage:
c. £30 petrol
= £30

Lincoln City 0-0 BFC, Tuesday 18th April 2023

‘It wor a brek fer Ramadan.’

Is it the end of a dream? Well, maybe – if the dream is to finish in the top 2. Personally, I’d rather celebrate promotion at Wembley than sat on a couch at home like last time (some other team losing to give us promotion). But after drawing at Lincoln and the top 3 winning, automatic looks spent. That’ll teach us for getting our hopes up last nite, as at one point Plymouth and Ipsh*t were losing. Still, could be worse. Them losing would’ve opened the door for Washday, winning at Bristol Rovers. Let’s not fret about who we’ll face in the play-offs. There’s nothing to fear there – if we perform. If we don’t, well, we have ourselves to blame.

At the LNER Stadium (nee Sincil Bank) we drew a blank, but it wasn’t for the want of trying, particularly 2nd half. I know the stats say we only had ONE shot on target, a bobbler from Luke Thomas late on, but that didn’t tell the entire story. Their goal led a charmed life as Adam Phillips tried to walk it in. Did he dummy it twice, or 3 times, before his shot was blocked, 10 yards out? Then Bobby Thomas, unmarked on the back post, flicked it wide with the goal gaping. Why’s he flicking his head like that? JUST HEAD IT STRAIGHT AT THE GOAL. I think he wanted to find the corner, when all he needed to do was get it on target. (It was the first of many mistakes from Bobby last nite; he couldn’t put a foot right as passes went astray time and again.)

Thing was, it wasn’t even Lincoln’s first choice keeper. He’d been sent off at the weekend. So we spent 90 minutes not even trying to test this young lad from any range whatsoever, though I suspect a fair amount of that was stalwart defending from the Imps backline and midfield, who got back in numbers. Also, while our build up play wasn’t as ponderous as Burton away, there were still far too many hoofs/dinks to their centre halves. And if it cleared the centre half, it just ran through to the keeper. Listen, lads, there isn’t a player in the Premiership who can make the pass we’re trying to do. Who out there can chip a ball over a centre half, into a small amount of space between him and keeper, and make it spin backwards for the centre forward to run onto? So why are WE trying to do it?

Cole and Norwood looked lost, forever making runs out wide while midfielders (and defenders) misplaced the final ball. Though later, with Jordan Williams on the left beating his man all ends up, he pulled it back across the box for…..nobody. It was a perfect cutback, which neither Tedic, nor Watters, nor Phillips, nor anybody of a Reds attacking persuasion, read. Don’t these players PRACTICE? Whenever Man City pull a ball back, as defenders run to the line in panic, there’s someone popping up to knock it in. (Even Raheem Sterling could perform this most perfunctory of tasks while at the Etihad…and don’t tell me he’s anything less than rubbish).

Yes, it wasn’t our night, but fair dues Lincoln. They put a shift in, made life difficult, and forced the save of the match from Isted, 1st half, as he tipped it onto the bar. It’s not all doom and gloom. Next season, I’ll make a weekend of it. Sarah’s never been to Lincoln.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. It’s that part of the season where I wonder who our star centre half will be playing for next season.
** Isted. Had one thing to do and did it perfectly.
* Norwood. Put himself about, yet often found himself one v two.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Andersen 2. Isted 3. Connell

Despatches:
The journey down was…interesting. I rather fancied getting there early, savour Lincoln, but twas not to be. A late start, caused by a paint job taking a lot longer than I envisaged, then problems on the A1. Roadworks south of the M62 meant losing a lane. And with us sensible types tucking in with 800 yards to go, it gave the tw*ts chance to push in. 4 went past before I pulled out to stop them, in time for a white black van man to go ape behind me, smashing his steering wheel and shouting abuse, as I prevented him cruising that 800 yards further up the motorway. Is that you? Are you that type? At one point, he tried to skirt around me onto rough ground by the central reservation, till I cut him off. Listen mate, I’ve got places to go too. Letting dozens of other cars cruise to the front would have meant it taking longer for those of us who were there first. And I didn’t realise it, but it would have meant me missing more of the match than I did…

The road cleared and I got off at Blyth (South Yorks edition) for a ‘comfort break’ and a Greggs. I put the ground into Google. Christ, 58 minutes…and it’s an hour before kick-off. But it’s taking me past Lincoln and in again. F*** that. I jumped in the car and went A57. ‘Toll bridge ahead’. What!? Yes, I had to cross a bl**dy toll bridge. On an ‘A’ road. Are we in the 18th century? (Insert own ‘Lincolnshire’ joke here.) Forty pence it cost me. Even odder, I then went through the hamlet of Odder, before being held up on a railway crossing on the edge of Lincoln. Is it the 19th century here? All these things would’ve been far more quaint were I not in a rush. Luckily, I parked up in a dead end side street about 10 mins from the ground, with Nozzer hassling me about when I’m gonna turn up (cos he had my ticket). Sorry, Nozzer. We got in just as the match kicked off.

And what’s this? Late in the first half, the ref has called a break to let me have a p***? Very kind of him, though someone in the bogs reckoned it was for Ramadan. Really? I thought we’d got rid of this religious nonsense when we started allowing games to be played on a Sunday. (Weirdly, while we couldn’t play games on Sunday, we played on Christmas Day. Go figure.) I’m sorry, but why are we pandering to people who CHOOSE to fast. (As an aside, there’s already a few loopholes allowing muslims to break their sacrifice anyway.) Honestly, at the risk of being accused of being a Daily Mail reader, I find it outrageous. (It didn’t help. Larkeche was subbed anyway.)

The players? Kitching disappeared after a promising first half. Jordan Williams encompassed everything (in)consistent about rhe performance, one second being brilliant, another giving the ball away needlessly. Ditto Kane and Connell. Was it Kane got booked for halting a Lincoln break? Too early in the game for dishing yellows Nozzer says. So we agree that you can do whatever the hell you want in the first 20 minutes and go unpunished. That’d liven things up here in the lower divisions. I never really noticed Cole. Occasionally, I’d see him run, but the ball never got there. Still, running is one thing NO-ONE has seen Watters do. Or jump. Again, he was lucky to escape a red as an elbow sorted the Lincoln scamp who dared to challenge him. (Sadly, when the ref eventually blew, we were up in numbers with the ball out wide.) Tedic was anonymous. Ooh, and fellow sub Luke Thomas. He probably looked the most likely to break the deadlock…till he allowed himself a shot and proved otherwise.

Anyway, it was a handy midweek fixture for me, being that I had to head on to London to organise a carpet fitting at my property in Peckham. So Weds was spent in Sarf Landan, thinking about things I miss….the panoply of ethnic restaurants, great drinking holes, the buzz of busy streets, Khan’s Bargain Store (where else can you buy a window squidgy and spices?) and warm, sunny weather. But in the interest of BBC balance, I’ll happily not miss dirty streets covered in debris, religionists (Christians) on their microphones telling me to let Jesus into my life, beggars (deserving or otherwise) and the mentally deranged, screaming at anybody and everybody in Greggs. Yes, Peckham certainly has more life to it than Ferryhill!

Drink du jour: Likely. That jam on the A1 put paid to that.

Away: 1700 and some. Packed. A crackling atmosphere, as we entered, and couldn’t get to our seats for fans standing. I loved being stood right behind the goal on a rammed staircase. All we needed was a goal and it would’ve gone off in there.

Today’s take home: Can we now officially start planning for the play-offs?

The Damage:
£24 ent
c. £20 petrol
= £44

The Tunes*:
Grey Area (Little Simz)
The Best of NWA (NWA)
Their Law: The Singles 1990-2005 (Prodigy)
Live and Dangerous (Thin Lizzy)

*They’re back, after an enforced absence. Listening to NWA and The Prodigy whilst sat in traffic ensured I was more pumped for the match than the players. Thankfully, they calmed me down.

Forest Green Rovers 1-5 BFC, Saturday 15th April 2023

‘I’m a very good vegetarian and a very bad vegan.’

I could almost get used to this. Beer and food on tap. Nice view, away from the hoi polloi. Cake at half-time. Pics with the mascot (not the child, what was she…some dragon type thing? Is the Forest of Dean known for its dragons?). The Mags getting beat on the TV screen. The Super Reds having a stress free afternoon, cruising to victory against inept opposition. Yes, it was all (mostly) very nice in the exec box at The New Lawn (great name!)

I make no apologies for being a week late. What I can remember now is roughly what I remember at 5pm last week….ie, not much. ‘Drink was taken’ to quote a certain Londontyke. And it comes to something when you’re having a can of wine at half-time, presumably cos the proper drink was drunk. Well, I had to wash down the taste of that half-time cake somehow. What had the appearance of a chocolate ball, covered in coconut was ….was….I’ve no idea. I took 3 (small) bites (2 more than everyone else who tried one) to ascertain what the hell it was and was still no wiser. Did it contain peanuts, did a serving wench say? Not nice. The coffee didn’t taste of coffee either. Yet surely this is the most vegan of drinks?

That’s not to say it wasn’t all nice. The ‘chilli not carne’ (see what they did there?) was half decent, and I didn’t have to put up with mushroom soup, a la Accrington Stanley. But given the state I was in, I don’t think salad leaves and sweet potato chips (or whatever they were) quite did the job. Gimme the Oakwell fayre of pie, chips and mushy peas every time!

The match? I’ve still not seen the highlights, but I remember we went ahead early with a header from a corner. Tedic? Then Norwood bagged a header from a corner. How are we scoring from headers despite having no-one who can head a ball? (I’ve since seen that as of two days ago we have scored the most headers in the division. Crazy.) Indeed, FGR were so bad, they let Phillips score. Credit due, he did well to keep his shot down as he drove it through a crowd of players, a slight deflection doing for the keeper. Half-time, 3-0, job done. I’ll be honest, I’d have preferred a little more jeopardy in my viewing, but there it is.

Second half, game going nowhere, and one of our players falls down in the box. I cannot believe the ref awards a penalty, though how typical is this? We wait over a year to get a spot kick and we’re awarded one needlessly and unfairly. It’s no use giving us a penalty at three nil at Forest Green. We needed it after 10 minutes at Burton when the bloke saved it on the line! I don’t do gratitude. So you can imagine how much I enjoyed the worst Reds penalty since Kevin Betsy’s identical powder puff sidefoot at home to Hartlepool…when?....circa 2004? Nearly 20 years ago. Somehow, the keeper manages to spill it and Adam Phillips (guess who took the pen!) gobbles up the rebound from his own ineptitude. We allow them one back (handily, I can’t remember this goal) before someone….was it Jordan Williams…hits a low cross for sub Devante Cole to bundle in. I’d love to play Forest Green every week, but it’d get very boring very quickly. Hasta la vista, Rovers. Relegated after one season.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Ran the game, set up the two openers, good night Rovers.
** Phillips. The Enigma bags two. Did I say they were crap?
* Kitching. No idea, but everyone else said Kitching, so I’ll go….Kitching.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Connell 2. Phillips 3. Kitching

Despatches:
We stayed the night in Stroud. (I keep wanting to call it ‘Shroud’ but that’s something else.) Our pub crawl consisted of one drinkery and Brewdog. Funny that (with a Brewdog employee in tow). Yearning for food, I had to wait till closing, but at least the kebab shop did shish. And it’s taken me a week, but can I apologise to Slacki, who’d headed back early cos he had an early start and 12 hours of rehearsals? I couldn’t help jumping on him in bed*. I was inebriated. Sorry Ian.

*for the benefit of any doubt, we weren’t sharing a room.

I dunno if the rest of you saw this, but we condemned Forest Green to their first relegation since 1954-55. 68 seasons without going down. That’s some record. Am I on my 3rd or 4th…or 5th relegation with the Super Reds? Premiership, 98/99, the Mitch Ward/Bruce Dire/Chris Morgan awfulness from the Championship, last season’s even worseness (30 points?) and there’s definitely another one inbetween those last 2, but that side were obviously not even memorable in relegation.

Drink du jour: Drink. And more drink.

Away: 1400.

Today’s take home: I love 3rd division away days!

The Damage:
£70 ent
c. £40 petrol
= £110