Wellington Phoenix 1-2 Macarthur, Saturday 14th December 2024

Wellington Phoenix 1-2 Macarthur, A League, Sky Stadium, att. 7,384

When the A League was formed 20 years ago, how did they decide on team colours? I’m wondering this as I gaze out at approximately 28,000 empty yellow seats at the Sky Stadium. Do Wellington Phoenix choose yellow cos of the seats? Or are the seats yellow because of the team? Who predates who? Team or stadium? Anyway, with a mere attendance of 7,384, there’s plenty of space for all.

Phoenix have done their best too, today’s game offering a free ticket for every one sold. ‘Nix for nix’ I think translates as ‘Phoenix for nowt’. A catchy catchphrase, but their marketing needs more work, as I’ve been in Wellington a couple of days and had no idea. This means that when I buy my ticket, the guy behind the counter insists I take a free one. A Kiwi behind me hears what’s going on and instantly says ‘I’ll take it’. He gives me 20 dollars for it, meaning we both save about a tenner in English money. Bargain. (This also encourages me to spend more money on beer, which wasn’t such a bargain.)

I’m in New Zealand on holiday and have engineered to be in Wellington for this game. Is this the southern-most top division side on the planet? I ask Google and it comes up with Dunedin...but what constitutes top division, when it’s New Zealand and your 2 premier sides play in the (Australian) A League? I don’t know, but I’m claiming it. England’s cricket team are in NZ too, but despite mates asking me if I’m going, the cricket is travelling the opposite way to me. Next time!

The Sky Stadium is as drab as it comes from the outside. Grey metallic façade all the way round, with grey breezeblocks underneath. As the biggest stadium in Wellington, shouldn’t this be some kind of flagship? Instead, it wouldn’t look out of place in an industrial estate in Milton Keynes. Plus it’s round. Perfect for cricket (except when England played here the other week, it was at the 12,600 capacity Basin Reserve) but for football and rugby, the pitch is miles away. Is it as bad as West Ham’s London Stadium? I’d say so. The best thing (about both) is that there’s a walkway to the stadium, a la Wembley Way. Indeed, the walk from Wellington’s quayside is one of the nicest walks in football.

Phoenix, top half of the A League, are at home to Macarthur, a suburb of Sydney. Needless to say, the visitors bring zero visitors. An early Macarthur penalty is met with ‘Who are ya? Who are ya?’ from the Phoenix ultras in one corner. The cheer goes up as the keeper saves...but respite is brief, as the rebound is despatched. The rest of the opening half is spent mainly in the Macarthur half, but creativity is lacking and it’s actually quite a surprise when Phoenix equalise near half-time for one-all.

At the interval I decide to go and sit near the ultras, after first having my dinner. I’ve never had Chinese dumplings at football before, and at 10 for $18, (20 for $30) it’s not badly priced. I’m also on to my 3rd can of beer (after all, I have a 20 dollar windfall to spend). The club shop is fairly sparse, and I’m not extending to a shirt at 110 dollars or a 40 dollar scarf. Mind, the latter would come in handy, as for all the stadium is completely enclosed, the Wellington wind still manages to find its way in and I’m fairly chilly in the second half.

The fayre continues to be English League 1 at best and I’m left to muse on the fans’ chants. ‘Oh Wellington, is wonderful...’ is a lot more believable than ‘Burnley is wonderful’ (full of t*ts, f*nny and Clarets, since you ask). I can’t, however, make out why Wellington is wonderful. (Full of museums, fauna and a better quality of life?) I do enjoy a round of ‘Same old Aussies, always cheating’ as some supreme gamesmanship at 1-2 (yes, Macarthur have scored) has a Macarthur player going down injured on the byeline and his teammate hauling him by the leg further on to the pitch. Does the ref do owt? Of course not. There’s not much hanging on needed as Macarthur comfortably see out the game.

Walking back, I pop into The Old Bailey, a pub busy with Phoenix fans and the odd bit of memorabilia. Who doesn’t want a Phoenix flag on their Christmas tree? ‘What did you think?’ I ask a fan. ‘Crap’ is the succinct summary, before he launches into a tirade about how his other team is Everton and he’s worried the recently postponed Merseyside Derby will be scheduled at Liverpool’s behest and they’ll win the league at Goodison in that grand old stadium’s last season. That would be hilarious, I think. (I remain silent.)

The Damage:
NZ$ 22 ent
NZ$ 13.50 beer x 3 (cans of Emerson Pilsner and 1 Emerson’s Orange Roughy Pale Ale)
NZ$ 18 Pork, coriander and garlic dumplings (10 of)
= NZ$ 80.50 (£37)

Port Vale 1-3 BFC, Saturday 2nd November 2024

‘F***in’ bag o’sh*te’ ‘They’re not that good.’

I should have asked for a note from their mums, the excuses I got when I asked who wanted to come to Port Vale. ‘I’m in Fuerteventura.’ ‘I’m going up to Leeds to see Nick Cave.’ ‘Not sure whether we are coming home Friday or Saturday.’ (Port Vale’s) ‘a violent sh*thole and every maniac in Barnsley will insist on going.’ ‘Al, I just don’t care for your company.’ Honestly, folk couldn’t wait to not go to Vale Park, one of my favourite away days. As a historian, I like stepping back into the past, and nothing says the past like a trip to Burslem. ‘Rough and ready’ as they say, though at least I snuck into a pub incognito pre match. Every other one said ‘HOME ONLY’ as Burslem devoutly stuck to its economically retarded principles.

Anyway, it’s becoming a lucky ground (for me). We’ve definitely won there the last 3 times I’ve been, perhaps the only 3 times I’ve been (plus once with Sunderland, back in the day). And to say we’ve played this bunch more than any other team (or second most, I forget) it seems to be that we barely play them. I think it’s to do with 50 years in the second division before we were born. But I love it. 3 stands that have never changed in half a century, save for some plastic seats slapped on them. A Main Stand in which they didn’t even bother putting most of the seats in for nigh on 20 years cos they didn’t need them. Even the fanzine seller reckoned that swapping the home and away ends allowed the (new) away end to be run down. How can you tell?

Another reason to come would be that it’s my last game for a while – I’m off to Australasia till Xmas. And if ever an away match will make you miss Old Blighty, surely it’s Port Vale!? I parked up (usual spot, a back street a couple of minutes away from the pubs on St. John’s Square) but only had time for a quick snifter. One problem with driving through the Peak District (Glossop, Buxton, Leek) is that when there’s roadworks, you’re stuck when there’s roadworks. At least there was a strategically placed Morrisons for all those urinary needs.

Got there in time for the obligatory Remembrance Day commemoration. The bugler made a better job than Shrewsbury, despite an early mishap. Then it was game on, and what a nothing half it was, despite the two goals. We went ahead when Roberts nipped in front of a defender, from a lovely deadball in from O’Keefe. For 15 minutes we then comfortable..till we didn’t. They put a ball in, we had mor than enough defenders there to deal with it and somehow it lands at the feet of the centre forward, who cuts back inside, sidestepping Kilip who’s raced on, and coolly sidefoots it into the empty net. (What I hadn’t seen in the ping-pong was that the Earl kicked the cross straight to their player.) Obviously, we were gutted enough, without scorer Ronan Curtis rushing over ‘shushing’ us. You’ll get yours, Curtis.

Aside from that, I remember Kilip making a decent save, but otherwise, nothing. And nothing continued into the second half, till, just before the hour, Coach Clarke hauls off Watters for Phillips. Whisper it, but I thought Watters was one of our better players, but from here on we roasted Vale. 5 minutes later we were ahead, as Phillips plays O’Keefe free down the right and his cross is swept in by DKD. (If Devante bothered to run past defenders to meet the ball, he’d have scored this goal 20 times last season.)

2-1 and it’s all us. Their goalscorer is dragged off, much to the amusement of the away end. ‘Curtis, Curtis, what’s the score’ was one of the more palatable chants and this continued for the rest of the match. It must have been quite the uncomfortable half hour or so on the bench for the lad. Unlucky. Though I did enjoy a blast of ‘der der der, football in a sh*thole’, a variation on the old ‘library’ chant. Oh, and their mascot is ‘just a sh*t Toby Tyke, sh*t Toby Tyke...’

Wave after wave of attack ensued as Port Vale couldn’t get out of their half, or indeed, get near the ball. O’Keefe and Phillips combined again before Russell curled a beautiful effort off the top of the bar. (He’s very good at hitting the woodwork.) Then, with 10 to play, Phillips plays the ball across goal and Humphreys is bundled over. The kind of penalty we didn’t get in the last minute of a home match the other week. This week (when we don’t need it) it’s given. After what seemed like forever, Phillips steps up and sends the keeper the wrong way.

Thereafter, the only side keeping the score down was us, as a couple of times we broke, outnumbered the Valiants…and took it to the corner flag, much to the chagrin of our support. ‘We want 4, we want 4’. Still, at least we were through. And at least it didn’t go to extra time. I had Strictly to get home to!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Game was going nowhere, he came on and we never looked back.
** O’Keefe. Got up the pitch to set up 2 goals.
* DKD. Some sublime touches and, of course, the goal that put us ahead.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. O'Keefe 3. DKD

Despatches:
After the match I ran the gauntlet back to the car with the Diss Branch of the Barnsley Supporters Club (Membership: 1) Following the away crowd, I went a different route to usual, meaning we didn’t merge with the Vale fans till nearly at the car. Then a voice behind me…‘How do you tell a Barnsley fan?’ I had to turn around. I’m not getting whacked in the back of the head by some Valiant clown, like someone we all know a few years back. ‘By the f***ing grin on their faces.’ A Vale fan with a sense of humour, as him and his mate waxed unlyrical about their side’s performance (and the referee’s). We agreed it was never a pen, though I thought their 2 appeals were very weak too.

Oh, and it took me 9 miles to get to Stoke railway station, which can’t be more than 4 miles walk. Have I said how much I hate Stoke? Signs that make little sense, roads closed off…Google satnav confused, telling me to turn off expressways over curbs. I DETEST this place. Being advised to go down a dead end street I’ve seen a 100 times on Homes Under the Hammer? Been there. And did I ever find the railway station? No, the street was closed off, so I ordered James out the car at the lights. I hate this place. Hate it.

The other players? Honestly, before Watters was hauled, I was struggling to think of contenders for the top 3. Watters had held it up well and chased and harried, but otherwise…nada. Kilip had made two saves, one a super diving effort, but the other one he palmed right into trouble, but luckily a defender cleaned up. Special mention to POTY Cotter though, dropped from the entire squad for not being able to prompt a side full of reserves to victory midweek against Donny in the Sherpa Van Papa Johnstones wotsit. Rumour has it there’s some poor attitude going on, as there would be when you’ve been senselessly dropped and forced to play with players who’re about to be sent on loan to Gainsborough Trinity (true). But O’Keefe and Phillips had an outstanding partnership once the latter came on.

Drink du jour: MBH Loco Juice. Drinkable, but wouldn’t have a 2nd.

Away: 525 (I think)

The Damage:
£15 ent
c.£30 petrol£1 fanzine
= £46