Barnsley 0-3 Swindon Town, Saturday 27th September 2014

‘The cage might be open but the beast is asleep.’

3 matches I’ve seen.  3 defeats.  It just gets worse.  Particularly of concern is that no matter how well Turnbull plays in goal, we are leaking all over the place.  From where I’m sitting, we’re carrying 3 of a 4 man defence.  And I can’t blame the foetus that is Bree – he’s only 16.  (Says a lot for Brown, who he replaced).   So I’ll concern myself with the other 2.

Dudgeon – Slacki was spitting feathers at this guy’s awfulness on Saturday.  Interesting that the Robins targeted him and not the aforesaid 16 year old.  All 3 (that number again!) goals came from Dudgeon’s side.  #1, their guy cuts inside and he’s somehow clean through, 10 yards out and sidefoots home. Where’s everyone else?  Well, actually, the rest of the defence is all there – but they’ve retreated at such a rate of knots that they’ve ran past this bloke and are standing marking nobody.

#2, same again, only this time their player has to pass the ball to an unmarked individual, while Nyatanga belatedly goes across to cover.  #3 is a comedy in its own right, as we cede possession direct from kick off (Dudgeon managing to keep the ball in, only for their winger to nick it and sprint 50 yards clear). The cross then hits a defender and falls nicely into the path of a Townie to knock home.  Cue boos and and a semi-mass walkout.  Talk about history repeating itself, it was only a fortnight since MK stuck 5 past us.

I dunno who it was asked, but ‘why are left backs so s***?’  Good question.  I don’t think we’ve had a decent left back since Chris Barker (and Slacki will argue over that one too, tho at least he brought in £600k!)  Kennedy, McEveley, Heckingbottom, Williams,…Gibbs.  And that’s not even mentioning the ones on loan (Dickenson, Andy Holt…anymore?)  That is 14 years of unbroken sh*teness.  I heard someone say the on-loan Dudgeon ‘wasn’t Premiership class’.  Well, at this rate, he’s not even 3^rd division class.  Like the bunch mentioned, he’s heading towards non-league obscurity, or eking out a career at Port Vale (who’re higher than us in the table, at least).

Then there’s Lewin Bl**dy Nyatanga, who, for me, is the invisible man.  How does a centre half manage to be so anonymous?  I realise one or 2 on here love him to bits cos he’s not ‘Captain Fantastic’ but what I want in a defender is the ability to defend.  Or at least organise the ones around him to do it. Nyatanga does neither.  That’s 10 conceded in 3 games and he’s been the one constant.  Apart from his non-existence, my favourite bit of Nyatanganism on Satdy was when he went out wide left to head a ball and he somehow headed it into our own area.  So, out of position AND doing their job for them. Get rid.

As a team, apart from an inability to pass, head, tackle, shoot, etc, the one big problem appears to be the team’s lack of pace.  Swindon..and Port Vale…and MK…were just too fast for us.  Oddly, the only time we looked anything like was when he brought on the fatboys...Treacy and Jennings….and even then we went from 0-1 to 0-3.  There aren’t many things more demoralising in life than having Swindon fans sing ‘we score when we want’ at you.  Thank god they only wanted 3.

*** Turnbull.  Sponsors MOTM.  3 fantastic saves, otherwise…well, we’d have lost by even more than we did.

** No-one.  F*** em.

* ditto.

Despatches:
Perhaps playing 3 forwards wasn’t the way forward (sorry!)  We looked a lot more balanced as an attacking unit once he took one of them off (along with defensive midfield ‘lynchpin’ Crainie).  Yet still we only forced 2 real saves the whole match, though M’Voto missed a great chance early doors, ghosting in late from a free kick to sky it.

Drink du jour:

By my reckoning I had 8 pints and a fair share of vodka and JD on the train.  Proof that I’m not built for this was falling asleep on the bus and finding myself in Clapham Park.  Again.  Cue a walk and a bus back where I’m recognised by an ex pupil who asked ‘are you drunk?’  As if.  I was way beyond drunk….

Away: 486

Port Vale 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 20th September 2014

‘I wasn’t much impressed with your bunch.’  ‘Neither were we’.

2 games I’m back and already we’re in the groove – played 2, lost 2.  And if conceding 5 against MK was bad enough, yesterday we lost to a managerless side who’d lost 6 on the spin.  Well done BFC.

It was a decent turnout from the (ex) Londontykes…Molly, Wadd, Hicksy, Neil…while I made my lonesome way to Vale Park.  It was just like my continental tour, just me, with my MP3 player and a black civil rights book for company.  Great.

I’d not been to Vale for nigh on 25 years, and for various reasons, it may be another 25 before I do so again.  What a s***hole Burslem is (note to chanting Reds fans: there is no such place as ‘Port Vale’, which makes your assertion about it being a s***hole and wanting to go home somewhat redundant).  Don’t get me wrong, most of the places we visit are s***holes, but this really is a down at heel place.  Buildings boarded up, a lack of shops of any description and the 1^st 2 pubs I passed (and 3 out of 4) shut down.  

Once I hit the ‘town centre’ itself, most pubs proudly declared ‘HOME FANS ONLY’.  Actually, they could amend this to ‘SHAVEN HEADED HOME FANS ONLY’ since they appeared to be the only clientele.  There really was an edge to this place as I strolled on through in my red Reds’ tracky top.  (I’d taken out my earphones though, I didn’t want to be ‘surprised’ a la Hicksy t’other year, with a blow to the back of the head).  I did have the name and address of an away friendly pub, but getting lost on the way ruled that one out.  (I saw the Vale floodlights on a hill the other side of the valley and thought ‘oh dear’).

So, got to the ground about 2:30, enough time to wander around and chat to the fanzine seller amongst others (there ARE some decent Vale fans out there).  Great ‘zine too – hope the WSB guys picked up a copy!  Said guy also told me about the new price increases made on the back of 6 consecutive defeats - £25 if you buy your tickets less than 3 hours before KO (£22 otherwise), a cynical ploy designed to rob the away, or casual, fan.  No wonder their crowds are so low.

Met Neil in the queue to get in.  An alcohol-less day brought home just how drunk everyone else was, Neil included.  Ba5tards.  Stilll, nice of Wadd to let me finish his dregs off inside – I needed it.  And good news, Turnbull in for Davies in goal.  And bad news – Brown still getting a game.  Why?

The match?  Well, just look at the stats.  Basically, they had shedloads of shots, most of which Turnbull saved and they scored with a free kick off the post which never went higher than head-height.  Did it go THROUGH the wall?  Dunno.  2^nd half, we perhaps had more purpose and within a couple of minutes of Winnall coming on we got the world’s softest penalty as Hourihane flung himself to the floor right in front of us.  The New Redfearn © then banged the ball in off a post like it was one of his 25 yarders.  One-all and all to play for.  Then the ref gives the world’s second softest penalty, as their bloke just stops in front of M’Voto then takes a dive.  Justice done though as their pen taker finds the orbit.  As both teams then trade blows looking for the winner, there’s no danger as Jamal Campbell Ryce…sorry, Mark Marshall…collects the ball out wide with 2 Reds players on him.  Thankfully, Dudgeon and Crainie retreat and retreat into their own box and now they’re too petrified to make a tackle, JCR darts between them, cuts back to beat Dudgeon again, before firing home.  A great winner (them), shocking defence (us).  

*** Turnbull.  Kept us in it, though 1 or 2 hairy moments in his catching.
** M’Voto.  Just keep banging balls to his head and he’ll keep heading them 25-30 yards.
* Jennings, for running about?  Bree, for replacing Brown at HT? (And a sublime beating of his player early doors).  I’ll go Jennings, after the slating I gave him last week.

Despatches:
After the game, I had to dash.  Good job.  Plenty of likely looking lads in groups (on both sides) obviously out for trouble.  Plus the police.  (Vale must have one of the highest police to fan ratios in the league, and no wonder).  Whatever the ins and outs – did a nice policeman REALLY put a Barnsley fan’s head through a car window, as I heard in the bogs at Stoke railway station? – coming out of Vale Park was like a lower division St. Andrews.  What is it about the West Midlands?  (Would I be a violent psychopath if I lived here?  Answer: probably).  Mind, whether it was the drink, or frustration, but I don’t like to hear stories of Reds fans fighting each other in the away toilets – ask Neil for details; eye witness rather than protagonist, mercifully).  And who were all these Reds fans anyway?  700+ attended, yet I barely recognised anybody.  Is Vale away the game for the numpties?  Let’s hope they (or us) get relegated and avoid each other next season.

Once at Stoke station (4 miles and a train journey from Longport – where? – away) I crossed the road to a hotel bar to ‘enjoy’ a pint as the only customer, and when I came out the road was closed off by police and 20-30 coppers milling about.  Seems they’d escorted 10-15 Reds fans (Neil included), whether for their or others’ safety, who knows?  Has anyone been to Stoke by rail before?  Me neither, so I was as surprised as anyone that there’s FA there (the city centre being 10 mins away).  What a place.

Player despatches:
The defence was s***, the midfield was s*** and the forwards were s***.  One stat I saw today was that we had 57% possession.  Fat lot of use that is when we stand around looking at each other while Vale get back to defend.  The Valiants meantime passed and moved and tore through us enough times to score 5 or 6.  

Damage:
£44 return to Stoke; £2.70 return to Longport; £25 ent; £1 fanzine (bargain.  Sample line regarding their new Swiss signing: ‘I like Swiss football.  Always a good game for the neutral.’)  And they described their new coach as ‘veteran thug Michael Brown’ (who enjoyed the chants of the travelling ‘hordes’ as he warmed up).  In one cartoon he’s shown teaching his ‘values’; ‘Right, that’s how you elbow someone in the face.  Now for the 2-footed tackle.’  Tw*t.

Drink du jour:  San Miguel, from the local Co-op in Burslem.  I couldn’t contemplate a dry return journey.  Not after that.

roll on next week - Swindon, who only knocked 5 past the Blunts yesterday.

A

Barnsley 3-5 Franchise FC, Saturday 13th September 2014

The Peckham jury have considered their verdict:

Welcome back...

I don’t know where to start.  What a way to start (my) season.  79 minutes in and we’re 5-0 down to some 3^rd division side who didn’t even have a team 10 years ago.  WTF?  And the worst thing was, they probably deserved it.  Time and time again we couldn’t pass a ball 10 yards to another player, while they passed and moved their way to time and chances in and around our box.  I wouldn’t even care, but there were always plenty of men back for us, yet still MK always had a man spare.  It was doing my f***ing nut.

Then of course, there were the 3 or 4 abysmal, abysmal individual performances.  So I’m almost starting with ‘Despatches’ now.

Brown is absolutely DREADFUL.  He is never a right back in a million years.  He is to tackling what Julian Clary is to MMA.  Can’t or won’t make a tackle.  In fact, it took him 91 minutes to put a foot in.  (Just like it took Dale Jennings 92 minutes to beat a player).  As I’ve read all your missives on earlier games, all of these players merge into one….Berry, Bree, Bailey, Brown…so I’ve no idea what people have made of this player, but to call him a footballer is to call Wiseman world class.  Yes, I honestly reckon he’s worse than Scott Wiseman.  Bring back a 97 year old Hassell if this is what I’m gonna be served.  Or at the very least, get Jean-Yves in the middle and shunt Crainie out wide.

Phew, I felt better for that.  Cos however dogs*** Davies is in goal, at least he’s only the reserve keeper.  Turnbull simply HAS to get fit soon.  This guy is a calamity.  It’s one thing saying Luke Steele couldn’t kick, but this bloke is worse.  So he must be a good keeper to make up for it, right?  Ah.  How a goalkeeper of Mark Crossley’s calibre can see something in this guy, I know not.  It’s no use saving a couple once you’ve given the opposition a 2 goal headstart….and falling on your ar5e to let a soft 4^th in doesn’t help either.  On the plus side, I presume he comes cheap.

Jennings however (or ‘Dale Mellis’ as some wag on the BBS christened him) must be on a big wage, and the least I expect of the waged is some effort.  Was it 7 or 8 times (in the 1^st half) he couldn’t be bothered to track back after losing the ball?  I wondered (seriously) if it was Wilson’s tactic…get Jennings to save his energy for attacking.  Well, if that was the case it didn’t work.  And I don’t remember him being quite the fat f*** he is either.  Stocky, yes, but he now looks like a barrel (though not as useful, or tasty).  I’d stick him on the bench till he can be ar5ed.  Whether it’s ‘Mellis Syndrome’, who knows, but (Dale) you’re not too good for us and if you want a career you’d better start putting a shift in.

0-1 MK hit a 25 yarder straight at the keeper, who pops it on a plate for the centre forward.

0-2 Dudgeon completely misses the ball, allowing the winger to cut it back for an on-jogging (note: not ‘onrushing’) player to hit home through the keeper’s hands.

0-3 Brown steadfastly refuses to close down their winger, who lays it back for a teammate to stroll it in while 6 other BFC defenders watch.

0-4 Dudgeon loses it and Digby compounds the error leaving their bloke to run 30 yards unchallenged to stroke the ball in on the near post while the keeper sits down and has a break.

0-5 Nyatanga is turned/moves out of the way to let their bloke clear and his mate knocks it in.  Listen, Lewis – at least get in the f***er's way, even if you can’t make the tackle.

F*** me.

And there it was.  More than 10 minutes to go and well and truly routed.  A good number of fans left at three, some at four, though if you were still in the ground at 4 you were one of those sad f***s who wanted to see the whole game and your reward was to witness a 5th.  (The exception here was Salisbury, who snuck out at 5, missed our 1^st, then snuck in again).

Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Cole had a shot cleared off the line and loads of Barnsley fans started cheering.  Oh, it’s a goal.  (Turns out the clearance was behind the line).  3-5 and a couple of thousand Reds fans could got all excited.  We had 4 mins of injury time to complete the impossible, but despite nearly scoring a 4^th, MK saw out the last few minutes comfortably.

*** Cole.  Came on, changed the game.  Pacey, strong and an eye for goal.  Gone in January.

** Hourihane.  Sponsors MOTM.  Even in a quiet game, apart from his goals he hit the post and made the pass of the match to put Cole clean through.  Is he the new Redfearn?  Do I have to change my cat's name?

* Digby.  Came on as sub and passed the ball to his own players, before the one he didn’t (0-4).

(almost) respectsble

Despatches:
I understand Bailey is normally central mid, but I’d certainly like to see more of Digby.  How can a player good enough for England under 19s NOT be good enough for US?  Berry was largely anonymous out wide (him and Jennings kept swapping, about the only time Jennings moved) while Dudgeon made mistakes but threw himself into the tackle, at least.  Crainie and Nyatanga were…well…invisible.  I never really noticed either have a BAD game, but when you’re 5-0 down, something hasn’t gone right in defence.  Meantime, I thought the front 2 (Lita, Hemmings) weren’t too bad, starved of the ball as they were.  Certainly, I think Lita would prefer to have the ball played to his feet, rather than a defender’s head.

So, that’s it.  The crowd were their normal silent apathetic selves (thank god – who likes change?) while even MK’s 363 gave up, beyond the ‘Easy! Easy!’ chant every time they scored – so about every 5 mins then.

Drink du jour: Touchy subject.  Nevermind the Two Ronnies – try the Two Andies.  Like the shooting of JFK, this one will remain a mystery – but who WAS to blame for the dropping and breaking of a one litre bottle of vodka before it had even been opened?  AND I still had to pay for my share, soaked into the train carpet as it was.  (Reedy – calm down, only kidding).

Once back in London, a couple of pints in the Parcel Yard, then Reedy insisted on taking me and Marius to an indie club that stunk of vomit and a heavy metal club wot didn’t.  Home at 5:30am and I didn’t even fall asleep on a bus.  I couldn’t do this every week, not at my age.  (Also, I shouldn’t have to tell my friends to stop pointing at the lesbian couple ‘making out’ in the metal bar!)

Overall then – I’m optimistic.  Sounds weird, after such a beating, but all we need is a right back, the rest we already have.  Top 8, at least.

Onwards and upwards!
A

Away:363

The other lot