Darlington 0-3 Chorley, Saturday 7th January 2023

Darlington 0-3 Chorley, National League North, Blackwell Meadows, att. 1,727

I’m meeting up with a mate, Kev, today, so I thought I’d treat myself. Not for me the drive to Darlo, and restriction of ale; I’m going to catch the bus, get there early and have a few ales. Well, that was the plan. Sadly, This is England, 2023. The 12:08 ‘service’ fails to arrive. The 12:28, ditto. The electronic information board gives the barest of information – the time of the buses. Indeed, periodically, it tells us to ‘refer to the timetable’. (Thus, all the electronic board does is repeat the information already available on the bus stand.) The only information it gives is when the bus is due. When the due time duly arrives, the time disappears. There is no information as to what has happened to these services, whether they’re late, whether they even set off at all (from Durham City). I am appalled, but at least I can walk the 15 minutes home and take the car. The octogenarian lady who’s been waiting at the bus stop since I got there doesn’t have that option, nor do thousands of other people in the region who’re reliant on public transport.

The 12:48 DOES run. I know this, cos I saw it from the car as I passed through town. I still needed to visit the garage for air (I’ve got a slow puncture). One looks forward all week to footie on a Satdy and then there’s this. At least I have a smooth run to Darlo, picking Kev up and parking nearer to the ground than normal, since we’re still relatively early. I know we’re early – we get beers in the social club without having to wait 20 minutes in a queue. Alcohol isn’t allowed outside though (quickly negating the advantage of non-lge football – I’d considered going to South Shields today, a far better matchday experience, but, y’know, mates are important.)

With visitors Chorley not being of sufficient rivalry, we could stand where we liked today. The ‘away’ end, a grass bank 20 yards from the touchline, or the Tin Shed, behind the opposite goal? Well, with Darlo kicking towards the Tin Shed 1st half, we headed there. Cosy and covered, we found a spot near to a bloke Kev knows. (Surely ALL Darlo fans know each other?) And for 20 minutes it was one-way traffic, as it looked a matter of time before the home side opened the scoring. Even the ref could see it. Otherwise why else would he only book the goalkeeper for deliberately handling the ball outside the area as the centre forward was about to round him for an open goal? Without knowing it at the time, this took the wind out of the Quakers’ sails.

Half-time came round, scoreless. A flick through the programme offered the nugget that Darlo were the last visitors to Hull City’s Boothferry Park (winning 1-0). What a difference the two clubs’ fortunes have been since; Hull, Premiership and 2 goals up in the FA Cup Final v Arsenal….Darlo, administration, tumbling out of the league, FA Trophy win, bankrupt…though a renaissance of sorts, having scrambled their way up to the 6th tier from the 9th level Northern League. This season’s resurgence (top of National League North, though Kings Lynn have games in hand) has come as a pleasant surprise. So perhaps today’s proverbial kick in the nads was strangely comforting. The second half reverted to type, Darlo fell apart and couldn’t get out of their own half. Still, Kev and I hadn’t moved, so at least all the action was this end…Chorley romping home 0-3 and much of the crowd having left long before the end. Still, no national headlines this week, which represents progress of sorts. Last week’s game at Scarborough was held up for 40 minutes as the ref took the teams off due to misogynistic abuse of the lineswoman. And at least I was home in good time. None of that reliance on local public transport.

The Damage:
£15 ent
£3 programme= £18*

*Kev got the beers in, which was nice. Staropramen.

The Tunes:
Vulture Prince (Arooj Aftab)

BFC 0-3 Bolton Wanderers, Monday 2nd January 2023

‘Luca, what’s the score? Luca, Luca, what’s the score?’

At least the hand dryers are warm. And powerful enough to dry your hands. (This wasn’t the case under the previous feted ownership.) And I enjoyed my pie and peas (with mint sauce). And hanging with the Galvins in their own personal fiefdom of the far corner (upstairs) of the Joseph Bramer. And it’d not taken 4 hours to get to Barnsley, unlike the other night. Yes, it was half-time at t’well and I was looking for the positives. It was miserable. And I couldn’t leave, entrapped by having to give Diane a lift back.

Yes, for the first time in however long, I could have happily left early. 10 minutes in to the match, to be precise, as Mads got himself sent off for tangling with their centre forward in our box. A Bolton penalty and facing 80 minutes of a match with 10 men, having been played off the park with 11…even my masochistic tendencies were being tested. It didn’t help that too many other Londontykes absolved themselves from the despair. Sunning themselves in San Diego, or Corsica, or watching on ifollow, or recovering from life-threatening illness….I’ll give it to Reedy, who chose to stay at home and clean his house. I wished I’d stayed at home and cleaned the house. I wish I’d driven to Beckenham and cleaned Reedy’s house. That’s how bad it was.

Was it a pen? Was it a sending off? Are all referees part of some conspiracy to deny Little Old Barnsley their rightful place in the European Super League? I dunno. I didn’t see the start of the tangle, but once the ref has decreed Mads is preventing their player from reaching the ball by nefarious means, he has no choice but to send him off. It wasn’t like Mads was trying to win the ball through a tackle, so ‘double jeopardy’ didn’t apply. Seeing it again (27 times) I think the ref has no choice. Yes, Kitching was running across to cover, but was it unreasonable for the ref to decide that without the infringement, their player would’ve got his shot off? I don’t think so, and although we were all hoping we could blame the ref for a 3rd game running (or ‘living the dream’ as a Reds fan), it’s not to be for me. In basic terms, Mads holding on to their man gives Kitching time to come back.

And the writing was already on the wall…their centre forward clearing the bar from 8 yards under pressure from Kitching (or ‘despite being fouled by Kitching’ came the ifollow verdict; so we could have been down to 10 men and facing a penalty even earlier). Earlier than early, we’d escaped a let off as their right winger broke free on his own, but somehow messed it up. For the linesman’s (lineswoman?) sake, good job, cos he was never onside the entire more, always being a yard behind our last man. (I was in line with this one, so feel I can speak authoritatively.)

With the penalty put away, it was 80 minutes of damage limitation. Yes, we had a couple of efforts on target (Connell and Norwood snapshots in either half) but all hope was officially lost with Cundy’s inexplicable blunder. Not content with miskicking a backpass, (did he stub his toe? Kick the grass? What?) he then fails to stop the player rounding him before winning a tackle with Collins. Do we have the only centre half in the entire world of professional football incapable of obstructing an opponent? Where’s Keith Curle when you need him? Even at 59 (yes, I looked it up) he could still do a better job than Cundy. And he obviously knows his football, sending back Clarke Oduor from his loan spell at 2nd off bottom League 2 Hartlepool. (*Pedants: Hartlepool are no longer 2nd bottom, having improved since sending Oduor back to Oakwell.)

Apparently, plenty of fans left at half-time, but I didn’t really notice, watching the action to the end, flagellating myself for crimes not yet committed. Plus nobody had left in our row, so I hadn’t had to get up and let escapees pass. However, the killer 3rd with about 15 left brought floods to the Oakwell exits. Worse, it was to a 30 second strain of ‘olés’ as the Trotters played it around and we gave up / were too tired to put in a challenge. Another positive was that was it. (I’m all about the positives, me.) The pummelling was complete.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Head and shoulders above anything in a Reds’ shirt, whether covering in defence, making tackles in midfield or driving forward the attack. The former Trotter had a tremendous game, no matter the taunts from the away end.
** Kitching. Kept us in it at times (look away for the 3rd tho).
* Kane. In a toss up between him and Norwood, I’ll give it Kane for some nice pass and moves.

Official MOTM: Kane

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Connell 2. Kane 3. Kitching

Despatches:
I learnt today that the average number of negative thoughts per person per day is 11. Surely some mistake? That’s gotta be per hour, right? Or, per minute in the case of 3:10pm, yesterday. I’ll add a fresh one to the mix: Collins’ recent inability to get near a penalty. Is it just bad luck he’s gone the wrong way 3 times in a row? As a guide, I’d say, more often than not, a right footer will hit it left and vice versa. Why? Cos if you’re putting your foot through it, that’s the way the ball would naturally go. Collins meantime is hoping the right footer will PLACE it to his left, thereby having a softer shot to save (and it’s true, players do this too). Maybe he’s even done his homework on the penalty takers. But if I was a penalty taker, I’d do my homework on keepers, and to my mind, Collins dives the same way every time. (I would do some research, but I’ll leave it to those who’d like to prove me wrong.)

Talking of research, I know ‘Super Michael Duffy’ is extremely popular (‘Mads at the back, Devante in attack’….errrrr…..lads….Mads has been sent off). Anyway, to show what a difference our new hero makes, let’s point to our last 2 matches. Given he was sent from the stands with 5 minutes to go in our last game….we have averaged a goal every 5 minutes without him. In the 175 minutes of the remaining 2 games, we have scored…once. So we are 35 times more likely to score without Duffy bothering to rock up. Defensively, in 5 minutes without him, we have yet to concede, while in 175 minutes with him, we’ve let in 3. Thus, mathematically at least, we are INFINITELY better without him. I think that’s how it works. (On a semi-serious note, what a waste of time appealing his sending off last home game; could today have gone WORSE were he in the stands? Just take your medicine and move on.)

Drink du jour: Leffe at the local ‘spoons. It’s not my fault other ale houses don’t serve my favourite tipple!

Away: 3,091. Holiday time, crucial game, average home crowds of nearly 20,000….I was expecting a sellout and a 15,000+ crowd. Oh well, their loss. Those that were there had a ball.

Today’s take home: A draw would’ve done, keep ‘em at arm’s length…

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
= £30

Programme? I’m still boycotting it because of this season’s comedy covers. Today was exceptional – a cartoon of a (presumably) Barnsley footballer (who I didn’t recognise) with an elephant. No, I’ve no idea either.

Oh, and 4 years in, the pedestrian bridge over the closed level crossing is finally under way!

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music
BBC5Live

BFC 2-1 Fleetwood Town, Thursday 29th December 2022

‘Am at football. No, I’m not having that conversation now. I’M AT FOOTBALL.’

I’m sure I saw this game 3 days ago. The Super Reds in complete control against lower end strugglers. Passes popped around with ease. Chances missed. And a baffling performance from the person in black (it’s a ‘he’ this time though…presuming Benjamin Speedie – is that his stage name? – identifies as such). Throw in a dodgy penalty for them, and our own appeals turned down, and I needn’t have bothered going tonite. It was Accrington Stanley away, all over again.

Mind, I nearly never got there. With the A1 knocked out due to an accident, a 90 minute drive took me nearly 4 hours. Good job I set off early, and I was still able to have a drink with Molly and Darrel in Heaven and Ale, followed by pie and peas and a drizzle of mint sauce from the Oakwell Sandwich Shop. It’s important to start with the highlights.

The other highlight, of course, was a late winner, leading to the bizarre sight of a pitch invasion by a 10 year old. As said kid is lead off by stewards, a row breaks out in the old Main Stand paddock from whence he came. If you haven’t seen the story, 2 stewards end up in hospital and another couple are treated at the scene. Higher casualty figures than when we play Washday or Dirty Leeds. But it does bode one safeguarding question…can you throw a child out of a football ground? What happens if something happens to him outside? Equally, as BFC are threatening to ban the parent, I’d be straight on to the missus (‘Can you say you took him, cos then you get barred, not me?’)…anyway, I said last night was history repeating itself, even down to the casual misogyny that presumes it’s dad who takes junior to Oakwell…

Yes, we WON!!!! Which didn’t occur the other day. It was all happening. After their soft penalty, Norwood goes down in instalments (even his dives are done in slow-mo) and the ref….’it’s like de ja vous all over again’ (sorry, I’m contractually bound to mention my favourite Shaka Hislop quote of all time at least once a season)….decides, as a sop to everyone, that it’s a corner. Listen, bud, it’s a penalty or a goalkick. But I’ll help you – it’s a goal kick. Manager ‘Super’ Michael Duffy obviously agrees with the one-eyed Ponty End and gets himself sent off for his troubles. It’s one-all, time is running out, and we are DESPERATE. So, who better to step up than no-sung hero Jason Cundy, with a banging header from Connell’s outswinger. YOU BEAUTY.

I said we’d been in total control, earlier. Indeed, once Norwood opened the scoring, you couldn’t see any other result. 1-0 to Barnsley. Great finish too, as Kitching had the vision to play a neat ball left, inside the penalty area and Norwood turned and hammered it high into the net from an angle. (I’d be disappointed if I was the keeper who conceded from there though.) From here, like Stanley on Boxing Day, there’s no way back from this. BUT THERE IS! Never, NEVER rule out a w*nker in black luminous yellow finding a penalty from nothing for the opposition. The ball is played through and Mads glances at their player before lifting his arms to avoid contact. The player deliberately runs across Mads and trips. He is running away from goal. There is simply nothing in it for Mads to commit this foul. The same opponent gets up and despatches the pen.

That was all second half. The opening half was us dissecting them and our comedy forward line failing to bag. ‘Norwood was everywhere’ someone said. If he was, he was getting there 10 mins after everyone else. In attack, he was often left behind as 4 other teammates overtook him. To his credit though, he delivered 2 absolute peaches into the box (think Harry Kane, the way he whips in crosses that Harry Kane would want). One of these unfortunately falls to Devante Cole, who studs the ball to the keeper from 4 yards. Where’s Super Sammy Winnall when you need him!? Apart from that, all our ‘class’ brought was a poor 20 yard effort from Kane (Herbie) which went wide.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Mads. A colossus. Won everything, up high or down low.
** Connell. Doesn’t just win it and tap it to another player, capable of a long pass too.
* Kitching. Like Mads, intercepted a couple of potentially defence splitting passes, as well as getting up in attack.

Official MOTM: Was it Connell?

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Norwood 2. Andersen 3. Kitching

Despatches:
Cole got the hook to give our 17 year old Portuguese midget a run out and it worked – Jalo ran about and was a general pest (though his little legs made no inroads on an opposition player striding out). Still, he took one for the team by disrupting a counter attack at the cost of a yellow. Maybe he has the making of a professional yet. Collins’ timewasting began in the 71st minute this week, as he held onto it for 20 seconds. Funnily enough, he was a bit quicker once they equalised. I was a bit quicker late on too, getting home in an hour and a half. Special mention to Norwood too, for completing 90 minutes. COYR!

Drink du jour: CLWB Tropica at Heaven and Ale.

Away: 222. Unusually, their vocal element didn’t huddle at the back like every other team, they were in the middle of the stand, by the exit (sensible).

Today’s take home: R.I.P. Pele. (Tenuous Reds’ link….we played Pele’s old team Santos in a friendly, Premiership season.)

The Damage:
£29 travel (petrol)
= £29

The Tunes:
The Line is a Curve (Kae Tempest)
Muzik Slam Mix (Soma)
BBC 6Music
BBC5Live
BBC Radio 4
Paint the Sky with Stars – The Best of Enya (Enya)
Best of Chas ‘n’ Dave (Chas ‘n’ Dave)*

*a recent charity shop purchase. Unbearable, had to turn it off after 5 tracks.

Accrington Stanley 1-1 BFC, Monday 26th December 2022

‘I’ll give yer a Mexican spanking wi’ mi’ hand.’

It’s nice to be worked up every now and again, and on Boxing Day, I was worked up. All morning I had the stress of wondering if I’d even get in. Having spent Xmas in Lichfield (at the outlaws), I’d left my match ticket in County Durham. And whilst BFC’s Twitter proclaimed no more away ticket sales, Stanley’s suggested I could at worst buy a ticket in the home end on the day. In the end, I needn’t have worried. Arriving early (knowing many Reds fans would have to pick up duplicates due to Royal Mail strikes), I put my case to a confused ticket office worker. He took my details…before telling me no problem…there’s still tickets left in the away end and they’ll go on sale 1:30pm. Why don’t BFC tell fans these things? Later, I stood in a queue with a couple of Reds fans from Blackpool who’d had to learn from Stanley that they could buy a ticket on the day.

I’d left Sarah in the car, before we pootled into town for a lively drink in The Stanley (how apt!). The town had plenty of pubs and the pubs had plenty of Barnsley in them. By 2, it was time to leave, as Sarah had more sense than to come and watch BFC – she was off to the cinema. I parked up in a backstreet near the stadium and squeezed into The Crown, a hostelry adjacent to the (Crown) Ground. It was rammed, but I didn’t care, it was warm. But all good things must come to an end and I was determined to get in vaguely early (ie, before kick-off) and bag a prime spot on the terrace. Come on you Reds!

Course, being as long ago as 10 minutes since I last paid a visit, I needed the loo. And what an experience the Accy loos are. 2 portacabins of 3 urinals and 2 toilets (and one toilet each for the ladies) for a terrace holding about 1500. You know you’re short of toilets when Reds fans are p***ing in the sinks BEFORE kick-off. Took me back to Blundell Park and Grimsby, one year, where fans couldn’t wait to get at the troughs and p***ed against the walls, floors swilling in it. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as that, but it was bad. Almost as bad as the ref….

Seamless. What a link. Nobody noticed that one. The ref. Every week I find myself defending the ref against one-eyed Reds bias, but, without any other Londontyke to form a contrary opinion against, I found myself increasingly frustrated by this person in black. I have since looked at the BBC summary and it claims ’11-16’ on fouls. If that means they had 16 free kicks to our 11, I am convinced I watched a different game. Did I miscount 9 consecutive free kicks given to Accy, 1st half? EVERY SINGLE TIME a home player went to ground, it was a free kick. And that was her good half. (Did I mention the ref was female? Such a shame, as that encourages the usual comments, but proof even misogynists have a sense of humour as ‘we’re getting fined in the morning’ broke out amongst the away support, a reference to the £30k we’ve already been done for this season.)

Second half, and I write this 2 days later, these are the ‘decisions’ I remember: an Accy shot is blocked. Home fans appeal for a penalty for handball. It’s given. (I have yet to see a replay and the ball is at the other end, but I’m not sure what the defender – Cadden – could do about it.) The other ‘decisions’ are at our end. Cadden beats his man in the box and is shoved over. Ref gives a corner. (This is at 0-1.) It is either a penalty or a goalkick, but she does what refs do and consider a corner a ‘sop’ to both sets of fans.

Devante Cole is breaking into the box. At least he would be, were he not having a defender having hold of him with BOTH paws. Their player has hold of him for about 8 yards as he gets into the box before going down. Free kick at worst, penalty at best. And it’s on the linesman’s side. Not given. Later, Phillips turns the defender and if he could stay on his feet he’d be virtually clean through. But the linesman has flagged for a foul as the defender falls over Phillips leg. Listen, the defender GAMBLED and lost. He tried to get around Phillips and FAILED. I am verging on apoplectic now, with time running out. Still, the main official does more to get a decent atmosphere going than anyone in red, as injury time and beyond is consumed by an entire end and a half chanting ‘YOU’RE NOT FIT TO REFEREE’. I didn’t know what to think as I watched her trying to keep a brave face on as she left the pitch with her accomplices. (Misogynistic or not, you could tell she was trying to keep a hold on her emotions.) Either way, I’d like to think the chant erred on the side of the ref’s skillset rather than gender.

I know, I know. Cherry-picking a handful of decisions to prove a point. It’s what fans do, innit? But I was (internally) complaining during the first half, when we were winning, whilst arch refereeing critic Jonesy (in Corsica, watching on iplayer) felt she had a decent 45. I s’pose there’s nowt to moan about when you’re one up and cruising to an 8th consecutive victory, as we were. The Super Reds looked streets ahead of a Stanley side not much above the relegation zone. Kane pulled the strings in midfield and neat passes here and there pulled the home side all over the place. Defensively, they never got near our box, and we deservedly went ahead early as Norwood flicked in a header. That’s as many as 4 goals he’s scored this season. Almost worth the repeated the bursts from the yoof of ‘James Norwood’s on my mind and he’s Barnsley’s number 9’.

The ref’s equaliser, round about the hour mark, still provided plenty of time for us to go on to victory, but in truth, we looked winded. Still, great pen, buried hard to Collins’ right, while he dove left. Kane-esque (in the days before he blazed them high and cost England the chance of a World Cup semi, ho ho). Thereafter, the officials prevented our best moves (see earlier) save for Phillips running clean through. Problem was, he was running clean through treacle, and as defenders closed in, he sidefooted his effort straight at the keeper. Not quite the ‘couldn’t hit a barndoor’ I’ve been used to, but most definitely not the ‘5 goals in 6’ I’ve not. 2 points dropped. Cheers, ref.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kane. Lovely little passes, running midfield.
** Andersen. Another clean sheet (ish). Best defender in this league?
* Norwood. Credit where it’s due. Held it up, brought players in, scored. Can’t last the full 90, but neither would I with that bod.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kane 2. Andersen 3. Kitching

Despatches:
The atmosphere. I had a great view, back of the terrace, right behind the goal. I was also just to the left of ‘da yoof’ and fair play, they make some noise. But…and I’ve been to games where I thought I was imagining this….what is it with their attitude towards joining in chants that others start? I am convinced that they rarely join in with anything they don’t start themselves. And they only have 2 chants, the one proclaiming James Norwood to be ‘always on my mind’ (he’s often on my mind too, pretty much every time Adeboyejo scores ANOTHER goal for Burton). Then there’s this:

‘We’ve got super Michael Duffy
He knows exactly what we need
Mads at the back
Devante in attack
We’re gonna win the f***ing league’

It’s a great chant. Presumably stolen from some Premiership team or other, with a Reds themed verse supplanted (or am I being unfair on their collective braincells?) My only issue is this: we are not going to win the league with Devante Cole (or James Norwood, or both) in attack. Just saying.

I could also kill their idea of fashion too. At one point, I was stood within 2 metres of 8 pairs of Adidas (it may have been more, as it became crowded). Listen, kids, I wear Adidas. Go and get your own brand. Aren’t Sketchers for the kids? Who knows?

Oh, and I nearly forgot….Cadden broke clean through 2nd half, and drove it at the keeper. It’s ok tho, we’re one up and absolutely CRUISING. (We finish at 20-4 on shots.) What can go wrong? Let’s not blame the ref….

Drink du jour: Beavertown Neck Oil, at both The Stanley and The Crown.

Away: c.2000

Today’s take home: Happy Xmas!

The Damage:
£20 ent
£3 programme= £23

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music
BBC5Live
Lotta Sea Lice (Courtney Barnett and Kurt Vile)
London Conversations (The Best of St. Etienne)