Dunston 1-1 Stockton Town, Saturday 18th February 2023

Dunston 1-1 Stockton Town, Northern Premier League East, UTS Stadium, att. 280

Today was all about killing 2 birds with one stone. My partner wanted a trip to north-east shopping Temple of Mammon, the Metro Centre, while I could make a first ever visit to UTI Park, next door, home of Dunston UTS of the Northern Premier League East. Indeed, I parked up at the Metro Centre and walked the 15 minutes to the ground.

Although only formed in 1975 as a works team, Dunston’s rise has been rapid and they leave behind an FA Vase victory (2012), back to back Northern League and Cup doubles (2004 and 2005), as well as 3 successive league cups (1998-2000). Not bad for a side set up less than 50 years ago who’ve progressed via the Newcastle City Amateur League, Northern Amateur League, the Northern Combination and the Wearside League. A final Northern League Championship in 2019 saw them continue their upward trajectory to the Northern Premier League. They’ve had name changes too. Previously, they were Dunston Federation Brewery, after local sponsorship…and lately Dunston UTS after another package. However, league rules now stipulate they can’t include a sponsor’s name anymore, but credit due to UTS who still sponsor the ground.

Today they play Stockton Town. Both are at opposite ends of County Durham, the hosts on the banks of the Tyne, the visitors the Tees. So, a derby of sorts, and with both sides going well in the league (Stockton 2nd, Dunston challenging for the play-offs) I anticipated a decent crowd. It was a disappointing 280.

Furthermore, the Dunston PA introduced Stockton as ‘our friends from County Durham’. Technically, true…but no more true than Dunston being from County Durham. And while Dunston may claim membership of the artificial entity calling itself ‘Tyne and Wear’, well, aren’t Stockton a unitary authority these days? Let’s keep it simple. They both play in the Durham Challenge Cup, so were both in County Durham at some point. Maybe our (County Durham’s) branding needs to be a bit more Yorkshire in its fundamentalism.

I get there early and have a beer in the clubhouse, which I have to leave the ground to enter. I’ve got there before the Stockton supporters coach, so grab a cosy spot in the corner before the rush. It’s behind one goal, and first half I choose to find a perch on the left hand touchline, in the stand. Be nice to have a sit down. And it’s a fine view, as 2 teams go hammer and tong at each other. Dunston take the lead and thereby control, but a serious injury and 10 mins of inaction upsets their rhythm, Stockton equalising in the last minute of the first half.

By now, I’ve gone for a wander around the ground and as the equaliser goes in, I find myself near a couple of certain vintage. ‘That’s never his goal’ as the PA announcer credits Eliot Beddow, a winger player I’d been immensely impressed with at Thornaby the year before. ‘It was already over the line’ corrects the linesman. Well, I was in line with it and you could see Beddow’s cross going wide till a defender running towards goal panics and puts it in. I’d have thought the linesman had a perfect view too, but apparently not.

Second half, I go and stand under cover opposite the main stand. There’s kids in this stand…5 of them….making one hell of a racket. They trot out all the old favourites; ‘We’re the Dunston boys making all the noise’…’I’m Dunston till I die’…I couldn’t stand it any longer and went to stand outside again. Still, better they’re in here than causing bother, eh? A high quality game ends all-square leaving both sides in promising positions to press on, and me to wander back to the Metro Centre and pick up my partner. I trust they’ll have enjoyed it more than the time my dad and I went to see Barnsley play and my mum had to spend an afternoon in Oldham…

The Damage:
£9 ent
£3 Claspers Citrus Pale Ale (500ml)
£1.40 tea
= £13.40

The Tunes:
BBC 5live

BFC 2-0 Cambridge United, Saturday 11th February 2023

‘I’ve been to opera. Some singing and a fat lass died.’

Arch-Londontyke Tories and Brexiteers (actually, I haven’t asked Craig, let’s just presume) Bob and The Doctor chose the right day to return for a rare outing at t’well….we win despite going down to 10 men in the first half, an atmosphere actually breaks out…and the win is bookended by the welcome re-appearance of ‘The Boys are Back in Town’ at full-time. Maybe the DJ knew our right wing friends were here!

Sounds thrilling, eh? And it was, till we killed the game off after 64 minutes with a second goal. When have we ever looked so comfortable whilst playing with 10 men? Well..errr….Cambridge away, actually, earlier this season. That game Kitching got sent off at 1-0 and we steamrollered them, triumphing 3-0. Today we just did a job, Jordan Williams killing them off with an excellent 20 yard volley as The Cams (whatthehell is Cambridge’s nickname?) half-cleared a corner.

This is to ignore the main talking point – how STUPID is our new centre forward? 37 minutes in we’re winning 1-0 and loanee Watters has scored our goal. So what is he doing leading with his elbow approximately 17 seconds after the ball has gone? Their player crumples into a heap and I fear the worst. Watters’ only hope is the apparent slow motion of it all. But no, the ref’s got his red card out – and rightfully so. What a pr*ck. (I haven’t seen a sending off like this in 20 years….then I watched the EFL highlights Sun morn and there was another one in the same division!)

Earlier, Watters had been Johnny-on-the-spot as Cole brought down a long ball, turned and hit a shot across the keeper which was palmed to Watters to prod into an empty goal. Unlucky for Cole, who’d done all the work, but it was nice to imagine (for a few minutes at least) that we had a CF who knows where to stand. With 8 minutes to half-time following the sending-off, Super Michael Duffy decided against immediate changes and we saw it out to half-time. And here’s where the manager earned his corn, dragging off Cadden for Norwood, going flat back 4 and keeping 2 up top. Well, it worked in similar circumstances at the Abbey Stadium.

New (Huddersfield?) signing Russell came on in midfield for the anonymous Phillips too. (I’ll be honest, I wasn’t aware Phillips was playing till I heard the PA announcer saying he was being hauled.) But this Russell bloke. What a player he looks. He is MASSIVE for a midfielder, has a great touch and can beat players with some actual soccer skillz. I see from his CV he started out at Chelsea, while Loko says Terriers fans are up in arms about losing him. I’m not surprised. I’d hoick Phillips out NOW to get this lad in the team. Not since that Norwich loanee (where’s he these days?) beat 3 players and hit a 20 odd yarder towards the top corner earlier this season have I seen a Barnsley player do same. Let’s hope Russell isn’t a similar flash-in-the pan.

Oh, nearly forgot. In a game MADE for Brad Collins and his unsurpassable time-wasting abilities, he was injured, replaced by Walton replacement Isted. And he did make one contribution, making a triffic reflex save from a header. However, I never once saw him come off his line…for either of Cambridge’s crosses. Christ, they were terrible. As Slacki said at half-time, we’d have to go down to 8 players for Cambridge to win this game. And it’s not often I hail Ian’s opinion on football.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jordan Williams. Down to 10 men and Jordan is still up and down that right wing and great technique for the bag.
** Cole. Ran about and gave the defence lots to think about.
* Mads. Won everything, read everything. The usual.

Official MOTM: Jordan Williams. Though I see we're now calling it 'player of the match'. The world has gone PC mad. It's a man. Playing in a game with other men. Hence MAN of the match....oh my God, don't start me. I'm going to sound like a Daily Mail reader.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Jordan Williams 2. Cole 3. Connell

Despatches:
The atmosphere. Where did that come from? Not great, but a vast improvement on the norm. Oh, hang on, our CEO Khaled wotshisface was in the home end. Did word get round and the fans decide to put on a show? Maybe. Cos it wasn’t cos we were down to 10 men, as there were no complaints about the sending off, none of the usual ‘the world and his wife are against us. Plus the ref.’ Words were bandied about at half-time along the lines of ‘f***ing’ and ‘idiot’. Clear as day in the East Stand, where Watter’s elbow was heading had that Cambridge bloke’s face not got in the way.

With our continental crew in town, we were out early drinking and out late, drinking. And what a bizarre name for a niteclub…’Funny gals’. Turns out it’s 3 blokes in drag playing tunes from their ipad. (And no, I don’t mean Bob, Slacki and I.) It was as s*** as Slacki will tell you it was great, though let’s just say with his beer goggles, Slacki should never visit the bars of Bangkok.

Full marks though to young Ian for taking us to that Brazilian all-the-meat-you-can-eat place. Really enjoyed that. But I am a pig, so no surprise there.

Drink du jour: Grover hazy IPA in Spiral City. More Grover hazy IPA in Spiral City. Red wine. Neck Oil. More red wine. JD and coke. ‘Baby Guiness’ in Eadens. (Whatthehell is THAT?) Stella (well, I was in Barnsley’s premier niteclub).

Away: 602

Today’s take home: Is it possible to find a worse forward than we already had? Yes. Yes it is. Fat overweight pr*ck. (I reserve the right to change my mind when he hits the winner in the play-off final at Wembley.)

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
= c.£30

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music (Radcliffe and Maconie / Huey Morgan)
BBC5Live (Fighting Talk)

BFC 3-1 Accrington Stanley, Saturday 21st January 2023

‘He doesn’t have a right foot. Or a left.’

What just happened there? We’re 19 minutes in and winning by three goals to nothing. The game is effectively over….which is roughly a 100% improvement on the last home game (Bolton) which was over in 10 minutes. We were 2 up in 8 minutes. I know this cos I went for a p*** after Norwood opened the scoring with an overhead bicycle kick (have I really just written that?). I mean, there’s no way we’re gonna score 2 in 2 minutes, especially not this early in the game. The cheer went up as I re-entered. Nice to have the recognition, I never thought.

The 2nd was by Aitchison (I’m told). I’ve since seen it on telly and I think most of us would have scored it, the keeper dropping the ball to him to roll into an empty net from 20 yards. Can YOU kick a ball straight from 20 yards? You’ve a few yards leeway either side, so give yourself SOME credit. Aitchison later wins a mystifying MOTM decision, presumably based on his role in the 3rd….as he fails to hold a ball up and Connell’s subsequent throughball for Phillips splits the defence and allows Williams to run onto the return ball. The control and sidefoot…beautiful. A sweet, sweet move finished by a player with the utmost composure. Nevermind selling him to Preston, get him up top!

The other 71 minutes was disappointing comfortable. I’ll be generous. The game was won and we played within ourselves. Hopefully, conserving some of that energy and them there goals for another game. Cos the alternative was we failed to drive the nail into Stanley’s coffin and p***ed away our chance of improving our goal difference. Worse, in injury time, the ref gave the most bizarre penalty decision in a while, as Larkeche was barged over, their player went down with him…and the ref pointed to the spot. Ah, 3 nil, what does it matter? Well, it matters to US. A clean sheet, the goal difference….but to the ref, it’s just giving the little team a sop for getting to our box. How many penalties against us is that now this season?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Connell. Love the way he controls it, flicks it past 2 opposition players and breaks the line. Twice. Fast becoming my favourite Reds player.
** Norwood. Led the line superbly. Held it up, brought others into the game, scored.
* Williams. Love it when your wingback is furthest forward in open play (and scoring).

Official MOTM: Aitchison

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Norwood / Connell 3. Jordan Williams

Despatches:
Kane played very well, kept midfield ticking over. Aitchison was decent (but not decent enough to be MOTM) while Thomas had an outstanding game on debut in a back three with Kitching and Mads. Notable points about the performance for me was our ability to win every second ball, and Kitching and Thomas confidently bringing the ball out of defence. Collins had nought to do, save saving a penalty….which he didn’t. Let’s not beat about the bush…for all we’ve conceded, he hasn’t saved a penalty all season, has he? The latest one went straight through him.

I also note that in 2 games against Accrington, we have scored four goals, and conceded two – both extremely disputable penalties. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m still fuming at the one NOT given to us for a blatant foul on Cadden in the away game. If we got the rub of the green (and had a forward line) we’d be running away with this division. (Well, we’d be a place higher than we are now.)

Drink du jour: A lovely IPA in Spiral City. Mind, the small print decreed I couldn’t read it without my glasses on.

Away: 247

Today’s take home: Cole dropped. We score 3. Coincidence?

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
£3.50 programme
= £33.50

The Tunes:
BBC 6Music (Radcliffe and Maconie / Huey Morgan)
BBC5Live
BBC 6Music (Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show)

Charlton Athletic 2-0 BFC, Saturday 14th January 2023

‘We were alright…till kick-off.’

After a day of drinking…and 2 days of recovering, I can finally face putting fingers to keyboard. £7.20. Seven pounds twenty pence. The cost of my first beer in that there capital city in nearly 3 years. Yes, I understand there’s a crisis in the hospitality industry (cos Loko keeps telling me so) but I didn’t realise I had to solve it single-handedly. Seven hundred and twenty pence. For a beer. And even then I/we get criticised for not having the ‘sense’ to open a tab and wait for our Brewdog Knight in Shining Armour to get us our 25% off. But we did get a bowling alley to amuse ourselves, interrupt conversations and get us mingling. And I don’t mind admitting….Mummy Brewdog (Alison) won. All hail the champ!

In defence of Brewdog, and it’s Palace of Waterloo (it’s biggest yet), beers in London Bridge later were seven quid a pop too. God, I’ve missed London. Reassuringly expensive, as Stella Artois used to claim. And if you drink enough, you can forget all about the latest Reds’ effort….running the show against Chorlton (23 shots to 8) and somehow succumbing 0-2. But if you can’t shoot…of these 23 efforts we had TWO on target. 2 out of 23. That’s less than 1 in 10, less than 10%. These are professional footballers. Not only are they the cream of the crop, they also get to practice 5 days a week. Talent, practice…and a woeful inability to kick a ball at a target 24ft x 8ft, or approximately the size of a barn door.

Mind, I don’t remember too many out and out chances. The one I DO remember, which still annoys the hell out of me, was Cadden hitting the bar with a free header just before half-time. He must have had a clear view of the ball for 30 yards, yet still couldn’t head it on target from about 6 yards. Benson hit the bar too, from outside the box. The rest of our efforts appeared to be players lacking sense and skill, leaning backwards attempting 20 yard half volleys. No-one in particular either, I think they all took a turn finding the crowd. Oh, I nearly forgot. One sweet one touch move ended with a side-footed effort into the bottom corner of….Cole. Possibly the only time he had the ball in their box, given his propensity to be invisible. Cheers, Devante.

Otherwise, we played some super stuff, pass and moves leaving Chorlton stranded as we continually found space out wide for balls to be pulled back…to their centre halves. Time and time again. Given the practice we must have put in for the original move, it seems a little remiss that Cole, or Norwood, or anyone else purporting to be a forward, can’t run into the pre-ordained space to slot it home. That’s what Man City do. Our forwards? Too busy hiding behind defenders, or standing in areas the ball will never reach. Just MAKE A F***ING RUN to the near post, will you!? We have carved them open AGAIN and yet we have NO-ONE in space. Or, if they are in space, it’s somewhere the other side of the box. Never did we look like scoring.

I think they scored with their first attack. Mads backed off and their player got his head down and drove it in at Collins’ near post. In Mads’ defence, I think he was trying to cover the pass (they were 3 on 2), while Collins was expecting the usual shot to the far post. But my main thought was ‘why doesn’t Cole do that? Why doesn’t Cole just run at the defender and get a shot off?. Cos it looks easy to me…if you’ve got pace, and can control a ball, while running. Oh.’ Their second, on the hour, we seemed to switch off. Their forward turned, shot, and we stood still as it hit the post…and ran across goal for a tap-in. OK, they got lucky, it dropped nice….while every bobble in their box went to their centre halves….but we can’t keep blaming bad luck. We have forwards who have no idea what anticipation is. Thus, all our lovely work outside the box goes to waste.

Onwards and upwards!

Top 3: Honestly, I couldn’t choose any. Not cos we were rubbish, just that so many were involved in our intricate passing moves. But I can’t give it to the defence…nothing to do and conceded two (I’m a poet and I don’t know it) while the forwards had plenty of ball in their box to feast on, and feast on they didn’t. Which probably leaves Kane (who got hauled on 64), Connell (who I didn’t think reached the heights of late) and Phillips (who someone had a right rant at me about how s*** he is….but I can’t remember who was doing the ranting….Loko? Anyway, suffice to say, I still haven’t seen our 2nd top scorer score.) We are still in a good place positionally, comfortably ensconced in the play-offs, but it’ll not last forever. Not at this rate: 3 games played in 2023, 3 defeats, zero goals, 8 conceded.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kitching 2. Jordan Williams 3. Kane

Despatches:
It was good to see Lord S, back from the almost dead, joining us pre-match. Hopefully, he’ll be back at the match soon. Pompey Ian graced us with his presence too, as Havant and Waterlooville’s game at Farnborough was called off. Stu was up from Witney, while all the usual faces were there. Shout out to A. Reed and his hotel, comfy bed, free beers and a literal punk alarm call. It’s never too early to hear the Slaughtered Dogs, or whatever band I’ve never heard of. Dunno what time we got to bed, but I know I crawled out of Andy’s at 9am to get home at….5pm. Trains are not stopping in Durham (or Darlo) for 3 months at weekends, so I had to go to Newcastle, get a rail replacement bus to Durham…then bus to Ferryhill. ‘Up to one every 20 minutes’ the bus proclaims. Yeah – during the week. Sunday, it’s one an hour. And the next one is 55 minutes time. Welcome to the countryside.

Drink du jour: Hazy Jane, Lost in Guava, Leffe, Beavertown Neck Oil

Away: Just over 1,000.

Today’s take home: If you can’t shoot, you can’t score.

The Damage:
£63 travel
£23 ent
£3.50 programme
= £89.50

The Tunes:
London. People. Cars. Police sirens. The screeching of trains. Passenger service announcements. Moaning Barnsley fans. The hum of a busy pub.