FC Hartlepool 9-0 Washington, Tuesday 13th February 2024

FC Hartlepool 9-0 Washington, Northern League Division 2, Grays Enclosure, att. 131

It’s another sojourn to the north-east; this time it’s to have the staples removed from my neck after an operation last week. After two were painfully removed, I asked how many more? ‘One, two, three...oh, you’ve more than usual.’ Brilliant. Still, had to be done. Luckily, one of the two Northern League grounds I’ve never been to is hosting a game. FC Hartlepool, recently promoted to the Northern League, are at home to Washington, a side so bad that any other year they’d be bottom. Instead, crisis-club Brandon keep them away from the one relegation place to oblivion (the Wearside League).

I arrive 10 minutes late, in time to hear the cheer for FC’s (never refer to them as ‘Hartlepool’) 2nd goal. My dinner, a Toby carvery, was much more important after the day I’ve had. Within another 10 minutes, Washington are reduced to 10 men after a wild hack and half an hour into the game it’s 4-0. 4-0 up, against a side at the bottom down to 10 men, I had vague hopes of seeing double figures. In the end, Washington put up a semblance of a fight. FC only add one more before half-time and with various subs coming on second half, the flow of goals slows. They finish at 9, the last one in injury time, so very little time to get that 10 I craved.

The ground is a neat and tidy affair and it looked like I’d arrived in time to see 2 new stands having been delivered. As you enter one corner, two gleaming efforts stood either side of the corner flag, one for sitting, one for standing. As ever, the new (seated) stand, along the touchline, was placed somewhat away from the pitch and thus no-one actually chose to sit there. Still, both stands looked very smart bedecked in the blue and red of FC.

The majority of the fans stood on the dugout touchline, all the better for easy access to the clubhouse (it was very cold). Or you could stand outside and have your ears blasted by their beatbox, rigged up by the pavilion door. Opposite the dugouts is another stand, almost identical to the new seated one, save for the metal posts being painted white instead of blue. Otherwise, the ground is neatly enclosed. All in all, a welcome addition to the Northern League.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1.50 tea
= £6.50

BFC 2-1 Leyton Orient, Saturday 10th February 2024

‘Curioser and curiouser’

In the space of 5 minutes on Satdy we went from not making the play offs to promotion certainties. Surely any side that is down with three minutes to go, equalises, has a player sent off, then goes on to win the game is guaranteed to go up? The crowd seemed to think so...’E-I-E-I-E-I-O up the football league we go’ indeed. This followed one of the most bizarre periods of play I’ve ever seen.

With 87 minutes on the clock we were heading to a(nother) regulatory home defeat. We’d created chance after chance in the first half, only to succumb to what felt like their only shot on target. Jordan is robbed as he waits for the ball and they break down the left. There’s always an overload and as defenders leg it back to the line in panic, the ball is pulled back for an easy finish. Well worked from their perspective. Another reason why Jordan shouldn’t be playing in a back 3 for us.

That opening half though. Their keeper pulls off a great save early on as Cole’s snapshot is saved low to his left. Later, Cole would cut inside and curl one into the far top corner...of the keeper’s left glove. ‘What’s Cole doing THERE?’ said the young bloke behind, before Cadden’s pass set up the chance. Inbetween, Cole messes up the first time finish from a sweet right wing cross. Oh, and early second half, he forced the keeper into another low save. Anyway, in the clamour for Not-Shepherd (Earl) making his home debut, I feel Devante’s performance was overlooked.

Anyway, there we were...losing...minutes running out. By now, I was sat with Slacki and every 5 minutes I’d ask him if it was too early to lose faith. Never, in Slackiworld. The Frenchman lofts a hopeful ball into the box from the halfway line. Their keeper (funnily enough, like,ours, on loan from Boro – how many keepers does a midtable Championship team need?) comes trotting out, ready to take an easy one. But the MOTM has misjudged it and Phillips nips in to loop a header over him into an empty net. You Reds!

The players leg it back for the retake. There’s still time to win this. The ref blows, then blows again. He’s only showing Luca a yellow card...then another….then a red. Whatthef*** is going on? Seems Luca has objected to Orient not taking the kick quick enough following the ref’s whistle. Now, far be it for me to show bias, but if the ref had any common sense (whilst punishing Connell) he could have just called Luca over and explained the rules. ‘Look, mate, while I’ve blown the whistle for the restart, you can’t come into the centre circle till they’ve actually kicked off. It is your own time you’re wasting.’ I suspect he’s been tired of Luca chuntering on throughout and has produced the yellow not realising he’s carded him a few minutes before. Loudest ‘you’re not fit to referee’ of the season, proving Jonesy was there in spirit, if not body (skiing, part-timer).

Mind, it was easy to forget. From nowhere, with 80 mins up, the ref started dishing out cards like there was no tomorrow. Previously, he’d let challenges go (making for a better game). I don’t know what he ended with. 8? 9? From looking to win the game, we’d now struggle to hold on. How wrong we were. Did they get into our half while we had 10 men? Dunno, but O’Keefe (on for the…shall we be generous?....mercurial Cotter)…sends in a free kick from out wide and Phillips nips in to head home. Pandemonium. Grown men hugging each other (Slacki and I). Never in doubt. Must take more notice of Ian in future!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Phillips. Rescued three points from nowhere.
** Cole. Forced the keeper into several stops.
* Earl. Solid and brought the ball out well.

Official MOTM: Earl

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Phillips 2. Earl 3. Cadden

Despatches:
My favourite fact from yesterday came from Lucas Waddington. (He is his father’s son.) The last time we beat Leyton Orient, 9 years ago, the scorers were Conor Hourihane and...Devante Cole! No way! He’s rubbish. I don’t remember it, but I do remember sitting next to Gerry at the away game (nil nil). R.I.P.

Pre-match, we had a recruitment fair for the armed forces behind the East Stand. Why? We could do with having MORE supporters, not fewer. Anyway, it beats having one of those fanzones wot every other team has. If it wasn’t so close to kick-off, I’d have signed up myself. (The Navy, obvs, I’ve heard all about their beanos to the Caribbean from Pompey Ian. Trying – and failing – to blow up fibreglass hulled boats is right up my street.) I’m sure I could be a crack combatant. After all, I’ve forty years experience in warzones...Middlesbrough, Birmingham City, Port Vale, etc. And the leader of the Spanish Armada also suffered from sea sickness, and it didn’t do them much harm, did it? Errr...

The players? Roberts had nothing to do in goal. I don’t know where the 5 shots on target came from that the BBC website reported. Cotter was...Cotter. Enjoyed the way he limped off, not that he was being hauled for being completely and utterly s***. The Frenchman looked solid with newboy Earl, while Jordan just looks like a player waiting for his next mistake. Is that American guy fit yet? We are ruining Jordan’s career playing him where he is now, nevermind making him captain. Cadden had mixed fortunes, not every cross hitting the mark. Connell and Kane were as anonymous as they’ve ever been. How did we create all those chances? Phillips had his usual blaze into the crowd before he notched. McAtee had an excellent 1st half, before disappearing, while Cosgrove came on who once again showed his ability to turn a game by not doing anything (but we came back!) O’Keefe didn’t once trip over the ball or let one dribble out of play. And of course, crossed for the winner.

Oh, and without my friend Diane at the game (her 2nd funeral of the season….should I be worried?) I decided to join the hoi polloi downstairs in the 2nd half. I couldn’t take it anymore. The young lad behind just will not SHUT THE F*** UP. I know, rich eh? I was gonna blame him and his mate, but it’s not...his mate just responds occasionally. This other one CANNOT let more than half a second go without passing comment. And I wouldn’t mind, but when you’re criticising the positioning of the players (Cole, Cotter) when they’re blatantly under instruction, or saying thank goodness a long shot doesn’t fall to Cadden ‘as it will end up in the crowd’ (eh? You mean the one player who consistently hits it on target from distance?) Still, if you say enough, some it if will be right. I’m with him there.

Then I sat 4 rows back and could only see players’ legs and had no idea why Phillips (of all people) turned down a shot, 2nd half. He NEVER turns down an opportunity to shoot. You just have NO PERSPECTIVE whatsoever sat here, but at least you can admire your fullback’s thighs, or get in the linesman’s ear. And sit on a wet chair. Who chooses to sit in these areas!? Are you mad!!??

Drink du jour: Floc something-or-other in Spiral City, a cloudy pale ale. Luvvly.

Away: 619. Or 690. My ears, the PA...

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Brandon United 2-3 Esh Winning, Wednesday 7th February 2024

Brandon United 2-3 Esh Winning, Northern League Division 2, Welfare Park, att. 171

I’m in hospital for an operation tomorrow, so what better way to enjoy potentially my last day on planet Earth by taking in Brandon in the Northern League? It seems apt too, as Brandon have also just recovered from a near-death experience. This is their second game back following a two month hiatus, the Northern League giving them every chance to continue following administration.

However, their 40 year Northern League membership hangs by a thread. On a run of 12 consecutive defeats (87 conceded, 52 in the last 6), they’re 4 points adrift of not-quite-as-bereft Washington. However, with 7 points in 21, it’s difficult to see where they’ll get the wins necessary, which is a shame for a side who’ve won the Northern League as recently as 2003. The Wearside League beckons.

I like Welfare Park too. True, it’s only got one stand and it looks like a barn and the rest of the ground is open to the elements, but it’s on a hill and tonite you can see the twinkling lights of Durham City below. Daytime, you can see the cathedral, when the ball has been launched into the allotments behind the goal (a frequent occurrence). The ground is also only 15 minutes drive from my former house. Only Spennymoor lies closer.

It’s also derby nite tonite, Esh Winning. Perennial strugglers, they’re top half of table (just) despite a goal difference of minus 15. They’ve brought good support here tonite and the gate is an encouraging three figures. Such were numbers, I couldn’t get into the car park, so again, hopefully positive times ahead for Brandon.

That they found themselves two down at half-time was not unexpected, though the source might have been. It’s 20 years since I’ve seen a player score 2 direct free kicks in the same game, though the first, a daisy-cutter, owed more to a poor wall and goalkeeping. Given previous results, and despite a new manager, Brandon looked dead and buried. After spending most of the first half inbetween the dugouts, I walked around to the stand, and a welcome cuppa. It does get cold in Brandon.

Second half, game going nowhere, Brandon pull one back. Another free kick, and it’s the pick of the herd, a left footed curler into the top corner by Robbie Murray, a player of enough heft for rugby. Then, with 10 mins left, Murray shows some daintiness belying of his stature, before burying it from 20 yards. Esh look shellshocked, as am I. However, there is one last sting in the tail. 84 mins gone, there’s an injury. The player takes an age to be tended to, and I spy the toilet. Why wait till the game’s end when I can go now? You know the rest. I went, Esh scored. Bumping into my old history teacher Mr Sixsmith, it was another quality goal. Header off a corner and Arron Jackson’s hattrick. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

The Damage:
£5 ent
£1.50 tea
= £6.50

Gateshead 1-1 Eastleigh, Tuesday 6th February 2024

Gateshead 1-1 Eastleigh, National League, Gateshead International Stadium, att. 855 (14 away)

It’s midweek and I’m up in the north-east on business. I considered the Northern League, but I’ve been reading an article about Gateshead’s possession-based football leading to manager Mike Williamson being poached last month by MK Dons (booooooo!). And with The Heed challenging for a play-off spot, times haven’t been this good for a while. Plus it’s an easy half an hour up the A1 from my abode. That’s the thing about where I live now, in the West Yorkshire Pennines...you get nowhere fast. From Ferryhill in County Durham, there must be 50 grounds within half an hour or so.

With a smallish crowd expected, there’s no problem getting parked in the academy adjacent to the stadium. Free too, which is just as well as I’m stung for twenty quid admission. 20 quid? That’s what I paid to see Everton v Palace in the cup the other week. Still, this’ll be a better game to watch. Easy in, and, as mostly, only one stand open, the Tyne and Wear (West) Stand. It’s a large propped cantilever stand which affords great views despite the running track, due to its steepness.

A similar stand lies opposite, albeit with only the skeleton of a roof frame. When the opposition bring numbers, it’s open. Tonite, Eastleigh bring fourteen whole supporters, and well done them, I could hear them. Behind either goal are more open seats, with the north end being slightly larger. I’m not sure when they’ll ever be used again. Does Gateshead still host Diamond League athletics meetings, now we have the ‘London Stadium’, nee the 2012 Olympic Stadium? I dunno, I don’t really follow athletics.

Pre-match, I head for the ‘Old Goat’s Bar’ under the stand, for a craft ale refresher. Last time it had a few choices from a local brewer. Not this evening. It’s Stella or Strongbow (dark or original...wooo!) or some other non-descript beverage. I decide to keep my powder dry and pick a pew. I could enjoy a padded VIP seat on the halfway line, but I choose a higher perch, for the view, just in front of a stanchion.

The game is a throwback. In the modern era, where the high press rules, Eastleigh simply retreat into their own half every time they lose possession, which is every time. Gateshead easily enjoy over 80% possession, but despite the probling of midfield pair Whelan and Francis, Eastleigh’s rigid defensive lines of a 5 and 3 are difficult to thread a pass through. They also cede the wide areas to Gateshead, confident that any delivery will be comprehensively cleared. And this works for 95 minutes (Eastleigh one up before the hour with a rare counter attack).

Then, with seconds to spare (the minimum 5 mins of injury time the ref had signalled is up), a corner is lofted in and the ref points to the spot. No-one in the stand has any idea what the offence is, and only one Spitfire (great nickname) complains until he’s booked. Foul? A push? Handball? I have no idea, and neither do two other blokes I listen in on as I leave. But who cares. Gateshead snatch the point as Luke Hannant despatches the pen, reward for an interesting piece in the programme. Although in his second spell with The Heed, he initially came to the north-east to study (choosing Newcastle cos it had the best nightlife!) and, after a spell in the Northern League for Northumbria University, was spotted and signed. Good on the lad, it lead to a spell at Port Vale and now he’s back as an influential older head.

The Damage:
£20 ent
£3 programme
= £23