Gateshead 2-3 Stevenage, Saturday 5th November 2022

Gateshead 2-3 Stevenage, FA Cup 1st Round, Gateshead International Stadium, att. 1,059 (149 away)

It’s double bubble for me in the FA Cup today. After seeing South Shields succumb to Forest Green Rovers in the midday kick-off, I travel the 5 miles or so down the A184 to Gateshead International Stadium for Gateshead v Stevenage. Can ‘The Heed’ pull off a shock against Football League opponents who’re going well this season?

I turn off for the stadium, aiming for the artificial American football pitches used as a car park behind one goal. Closed, as they were for the last round replay v Altrincham. I’m starting to think that when I parked here v Spennymoor last season, it was a one-off, local derby and all. Thankfully, there was space in the adjacent sports centre car park. Was this a sign of a poor crowd today? Yes.

It appears the 1st round hadn’t gripped the locals. Stevenage were hardly the draw of Charlton (who Gateshead got last season). Their fans must have thought similar, 149 loyalists making the journey. Were they to know the match would be played in constant drizzle while they (mostly) huddled at the back of a stand without a roof? Very probably. It IS November. It IS the north-east of England.

Knowing the size of the crowd, Gateshead could have done worse than to admit Stevenage fans to the covered Tyne and Wear (West) Stand, as they did for Altrincham in the last round. And whilst it was nice to have fans on 2 sides of the ground rather than the usual one, it’s no good if the away fans make no noise. Again, I don’t think conditions were conducive to the mood. The East Stand has the roof structure in place, but no roof. There is more uncovered seating behind both goals, behind the curve of the athletics track. Sounds grim. However…

…the Tyne and Wear Stand offers a great view, far better than the Olympic (London) Stadium. With seating being unallocated, I sat high up, but not so high up that the stanchions would restrict the view. About a third of the stand was partitioned off (again, why not let Stevenage sit in the dry?) so I felt quite cosy, actually. First half, I had the chirp of young kids behind me, with one constantly calling their centre forward ‘Salah’, presumably cos of his race and hair. I’d have said a bastardised version of the ‘King of Egypt’ and Tom Huddlestone. Anyway, he scored.

Stevenage were all over The Heed, 1st half and were rightly two goals up at the interval. I saw no way back, the home side being played off the park. So it was some surprise Gateshead pegged it back to two-all 17 minutes into the second half, a couple of long rangers taking deflections. ‘If you don’t shoot, you don’t score’ etc. You could see the surprise in Stevenage’s players, so it was with some relief when, 10 mins later, the Heed centre halves crashed into each other, gifting the centre forward a tap-in.

The drama wasn’t quite complete. With around 10 minutes left, the away side were reduced to 10 men, Jordan Roberts kicking out after a challenge left him on the floor. Manager Evans blamed the 4th official, rather than the ref, which was noble of him, considering the player was guilty as charged. Roberts had had a second to think about it, before he kicked out with his studs. Brainless. Luckily for him, the 10 men held out, relatively easily.

The Damage:
£18 ent
£3 programme
£3.50 savoury mince pie
£4.50 Tyne Bank West Coast IPA
= £29

The Tunes:
For Lack of a Better Name (Deadmaus)
BBC Radio Newcastle (Sunderland fans ringing in to moan about a home defeat to Cardiff)

Shrewsbury Town 0-1 BFC, Saturday 12th November 2022

‘Caledonian Lift Company, Manchester. Does that mean there’s a Mancunian Lift Company, Dundee?’

It’s been a while since I’ve been this angry in victory. Got to ground at 10 to 3, turned away from a car park next to stadium with plenty of space cos I didn’t have a permit, followed signs for the park and ride I was advised towards, only to end up in a gridlocked retail park, before finally finding the park and ride and getting out of the car to hear the Reds fans chanting a mile away. We must have scored. (We had.) I got into the match after half an hour.

It started well. I was early into Shrewsbury/Shrosebury, parked up and arranged a street corner to meet with Nice Guy Chris. This was after getting lost in the (Darwin) shopping centre inbetween carpark and main street. And to prove this was no fluke, we did it again on the way back, as Chris and I entered the shopping centre, went down, went up, went around….and found ourselves back at the entrance. ‘Let’s go the long way round this time’ I said.

Before that, we had a pleasant couple of drinks in ye olde pubs. I say pleasant, the pubs were great, ‘Loggerheads’ and ‘Cromwell’s Tap House’, but my two drinks were decidedly average, nevermind that the latter pub charged nearly 14 quid for 2 drinks. Well, it’s good to know I’m helping keep the hostelries of Salop in electricity during this ‘cost of living crisis’. And then it was time to find the car and complete a task considered too difficult for the Crystal Maze (or Krypton Factor, teenagers!)…find your way around Shrewsbury’s mystifying road network. Anyway, anywhere that takes half an hour to drive from town centre to stadium is doing something wrong. (Not enough signs for idiots?) So, yes, I was already in a bad mood…

As I say, we got to ground, where I tipped Chris out to see kick-off. He informs me we scored a very good goal, ably assisted by Devante Cole. He’s half right. I’ve seen it on telly. Cole holds the ball up well and lays it across for a defender to give it to Phillips on a plate. I’d have said unmissable, but 2 later shots from Phillips didn’t land within 10 yards of goal…and I’ve yet to see the apparently wondrous strike against Bolton in the cup last week. He can’t hit a barn door when I’ve seen him.

Oh, did I say I still had to pick up my match ticket? The one I ordered from Oakwell last MONDAY? Well, it hadn’t arrived by Friday, when Sarah and I set off to Manchester to see Courtney Barnett (an Aussie singer, for the uninitiated). She was great btw, as was the venue…the Albert Hall, a former Wesleyan Chapel. Anyway…yes…I rocked up to Montgomery Water Meadows (or whatever it’s called, can’t be bothered to check) only to find the two ‘late turnstiles’ shut. Mentally, I’d prepared myself for not being able to get in. (This happened years ago at Oakwell…I got there after kick-off, all turnstiles shut, no-one around to speak to…and spent the afternoon in the old social club not watching us lose 2-0 at home to Reading.)

(Un)fortunately, the exec bit was open. I wandered in and a ‘can I help you?’ later I was onto something, albeit via a lady who overheard my name and asked if my ticket was a ‘duplicate’. Obviously, THOSE tickets were in a different part of the office completely. I was in. Or I was once I went back out, doubled back to the away end, and walked through an open door manned by a steward. Good timing though, as the next minute and a half was the best of the game. Cadden, goalkeeper to beat, MUST score…but can’t control a ball, chasing after it to cross it back in for Cole, who MUST score…but can’t head a ball, and it loops onto the bar…where Tadic MUST score, but pokes the rebound wide from 4 yards. Those 6 seconds were ALL us.

The other 50 minutes? I don’t think I saw a single save, though Collins at least caught a few crosses. We played some lovely triangles in harmless areas of the pitch before losing it We found the stand a few times, as did they, but as the match went on, it became one team incapable of scoring against another who’re not interested. Time-wasting highlights from the Super Reds included Collins holding onto it 15 seconds (in the 57th minute!) and us running towards the corner flag when we were 2 on 2 late on. Even more depressingly, some fans were calling for us to do exactly that. I took that as my cue to get up and go pick up Chris. I’d chosen a higher perch in order to get a better view of this sh*te.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Edwards. Always in the right place, and tracked back superbly to outpace a Shrew onto a delicious throughball. Plus he can throw a ball 40 yards (twice) and who doesn’t wanna see THAT!?
** Kitching. Excellent defending, in particular preventing 2 crosses after I’d seen Cadden unable to do same.
* Mads. Love it when he reads the game, intercepts the pass and strolls forward.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
If you want more examples of what an abysmal game it was, the highlight of the second half was in injury time when Collins caught it and went over under a challenge. But instead of playing dead (for a change) he jumped up, all angry-like, wanting a piece of the other bloke. Cue both sets of players piling into each other, right in front of our fans, who piled to the front. Check out the TV coverage, as a Burberry-clad yoof was last in, presumably cos he’d spend valuable seconds arranging his scarf across his face. Go Barnsley!

Other players who had an alright game included Collins (who was fantastic on the crosses and hadn’t made a mistake all match till 2 late goalkicks found the stands) and Cole, who made the runs, held the ball up…and got no supply. The rest were like the match – non-descript.

Drink du jour: Wainwright pale ale and Wrangler IPA. Both as average as they come.

Away: c.800

Today’s take home: Get there earlier, or not at all.

b>The Damage:
£24 ent
£20 travel
= c.£44

The Tunes:
BBC5Live
Things Take Time, Take Time (Courtney Barnett)
BBC 6Music (Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show)

BFC 2-0 Forest Green Rovers, Saturday 29th October 2022

‘He was wearing one of those gay armbands.’ ‘You mean a rainbow band.’

Who says Michael Duff doesn’t read what I write? A week after I question Cundy’s worth to the team….he’s out. 2 games of me saying Edwards is never a wing back…he’s moved to the right hand side of a 3 man defence. Now, if only I could rid myself of the pesky Cadden, Cole, Norwood…etc etc. To be fair to Cadden, he was much improved. Obviously, his pace hasn’t, but sometimes, just sometimes, we play some lovely one-touch football which leaves our wingbacks in time and space to pick their cross, which Cadden did very well today.

Greater than what was left out was what was back. Hurrah for the return of Jordan Williams at right wingback, following injury. He was dominant, especially 1st half. Remember when we sold Brad Potts and got an even better replacement (Jacob Brown)? It reminds me of that. Britton (Brittain? Britain?) was poor last season, and to rob Blackburn of a million plus and replace him with Jordan is a great bit of business ‘IMHO’. (Can I say ‘IMO’. Why should I be humble about being right? There, I’ve said it.) After setting up Norwood early on (offside) he chases down a long diagonal from Kitching and hooks it back for an unmarked Cole to head home.

Back to Cadden, and he plays a huge hand in the second, killer goal, playing Tadic through on the left. Tadic only has the keeper to beat, but he squares it for fellow sub…(Christ, I’ll have to look up his name now, having got it wrong midweek…the Norwich bloke…) Josh Martin to tap into an empty net. Which is cue for me to once again regale youse with my favourite ever Barnsley miss….as Dire is clean through on the right….but instead of passing square for Sheron to have an empty net…goes for goal, cannons it off the far post and they go upfield and score. (We were beating Wolves and went on to lose). Sometimes, just sometimes, it pays not to be a greedy ba5tard and do what’s right for the team. And, may I say, with his runs, his intelligence, his pointing where players need to pass the ball…I thought Tadic looked better than our usual front two. Early days, but I look forward to seeing more of him.

Otherwise, it was a question of how many we’d get. Both Cole and Norwood crashed close rangers off the keeper from Cadden crosses, while Tadic had a one-on-one saved (though the run and holding off of the defender suggested better times ahead), while Kitching had one cleared off the line. Of course, as the game went on and we weren’t taking our chances, there were rumbles of the likelihood of a smash ‘n’ grab equaliser, but their only threat came late on as a consolation was ruled out for a foul on Collins. Easy.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jordan Williams. Welcome back.
** Kitching. Defends, attacks….gets booked for sarcastic applause. What’s not to like?
* Cadden. Got up the pitch, got the crosses in.

Official MOTM: Connell.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kitching 2= Jordan Williams / Cadden

Despatches:
I sat with Nozzer today, and was given a rundown of what makes Connell such a good player. (I’d been wondering). And it was true, he was much improved from last week, winning plenty of balls and laying off simple passes. But I defer to the yoof we overheard up the hill from Oakwell afterwards…’how the f*** did Connell get MOTM?’ At least the decision didn’t get booed, like midweek, though any standing ovation* was reserved for Jordan Williams, when he was subbed. We’ve missed him.

*what constitutes a ‘standing ovation’? I was standing, as were dozens of others, but way more fans remained seated. Does an ovation have to be a particular number? Or percentage? Or can one person standing up applauding count? Answers on a postcard, usual address.

Staying overnight, I also had the opportunity for more beers post-match. The town was mental, everyone wandering round in fancy dress for Halloween. Not being able to move for cleavage, we elected to leave new joint ‘The Old Tailor’s’ at the top of Regent Street for the basement of the Old #7 and 2 blokes shouting at each other about politics while Nozzer cringed in the middle. We know how to have fun.

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral City, Barnsley Blonde in Old #7.

Away: 189. If that.

Today’s take home: Can we play Forest Green every week?

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
= c.£31

The Tunes:
BBC5Live

BFC 0-1 Lincoln City, Tuesday 25th October 2022

‘And the official player of the match is #14….Josh Martin.’ ‘BOOOOOOOOO’.

Things are going from bad to worse. No, not the football, the state of traffic to the match last night. It’s bad enough that it’s an hour and half to Barnsley, without another hour for a burnt out car on the A1. Then, more blue light action on Huddersfield Road, stagnant traffic and me using my childhood knowledge of my nana’s ‘ends’ to rat-run through Pogmoor and Gawber. It was great to see Rowland Road and Summer Lane again, after all these years. I notice the Polish Club is now ‘The Old School House’ or similar. Well, it’s what the town’s Brexiteers would’ve wanted. That and economic doom.

The football? My God, it was worse than Satdy. Square, square, backwards, keeper…hoof. Is Keith Hill back? Coach Duff, hailed as the next big thing not a month ago, later told us we’d played well in that 1st half, passed it around, etc. Eh? In terms of numbers, probably. But what’s the point when it’s 10 yards square and you’re in your own half, under no pressure? Anything along the floor and forward, invariably by Kane or Benson, was either intercepted with ease, or taken off whichever forward didn’t know what to do with it. We created NOTHING.

We’d had a scare before their goal. The only goal. I looked up from staring into the abyss to see an Imp beat 2 of our players on their left, cut inside….and clip it off the outside of the post with Collins stranded. Which idiot defenders failed miserably this time? Turned out it was Benson and Cadden. All from a throw from their keeper from OUR corner. Appalling. Cadden has a hand in the goal too, as a crossfield ball finds him losing his player, Mandroiu. The latter chests it down, drives forward and hits a crisp shot across the keeper from 20 yards. A superb finish the like of which is utterly beyond any of our (fit) players. I can imagine Luke Thomas being capable and the longer he’s out, the better he looks.

Second half….it was TURGID. I had to provide my own entertainment by flicking Opal Fruit wrappers at the steward. Unfortunately, the kid next to me had seen me do it and wanted a go. It was his first ever game, bless, and mum was saying how it was great to be at Oakwell, with the atmosphere (!). The atmosphere? 15 mins in, the call went out over the tannoy for fans not to make any racist chants. If they’d have said ‘any chants’ they got their wish. I never heard anything from our support, though Lincoln came in numbers and seemed to be enjoying themselves.

It was the longest 45 minutes I’ve seen since Swansea came last season and wouldn’t let us have the ball. Lincoln did the opposite….letting us have all the ball we wanted, knowing we couldn’t do owt with it. Our only hope was corners and we had a couple of weak headers saved. Then, as injury time loomed, the parents put themselves out of their misery, dragging junior out for the sake of ‘beating the traffic’. Not seeing the equaliser would hopefully be a valuable lesson to this little Tyke. The cross came in. We had not one, but TWO players on their own, 6 yards out. HERE IT COMES. Yes, Norwood and Cole crash into each other. I can’t remember if I laughed or screamed. We are s***.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one.
** No-one.
* Kitching. Provided brief hope from corners.

Londontykes’ MOTM: TBA

Despatches:
3 weeks ago I’d not seen us ever lose to Exeter, Morecambe or Lincoln. Now I’ve seen us lose to all 3. If only we weren’t playing Forest Green for the first time this Satdy. Oh. I didn’t even know when we’d last played Lincoln in a league game – turns out to be 75/76. But maybe their win wasn’t as surprising as I thought – they’ve 5 wins and a draw in the last half dozen league games against us. I have the twitter feed of ‘Barnsley FC Stats’ to thank for this one tho….we’ve now failed to score in 4 consecutive league games at this level for the 1st time since 1979 (a bizarre 4 game sequence which started in April 1972!) We didn’t even manage that under Little Lee.

Michael Duff. Hero to zero in weeks. I’m no master tactician, but I’d have thought the entire point of playing 3 centre backs is so you can have wingbacks who get up the field and deliver balls for forwards to score. We have Tom Edwards and Nicky Cadden. The former, finding himself in plenty of space due to smart passing moves (as opposed to pace) put 2 first half crosses into the stands. At least Tom Williams used to be running at pace as he launched his infamous efforts into Row Z. But at least he can defend. Fullback, yes. Wingback? No chance. Cadden, what can I say? I had high hopes. My mate Loko (who knows everything about everything) said he played a key role in getting Forest Green up. Great attacking wingback, etc. I presumed he was some 21 year old up and comer. He’s 26. We’ve signed a plodding journeyman without the pace to beat a player and without the nouse to defend. Early days, but he can’t hide behind the ‘he’s only young’ excuse.

Benson and Kane swapped positions this match, Kane playing higher up. More tactical genius. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, some of their balls were played into space and our front two simply didn’t read them. But what’s the point of passing to Cole and Norwood? No point at all. But I’ll leave analysis of their inabilities for another time. I’m depressed enough.

Martin (the Norwich loanee) was given another start. Must be charity week. He was awful (again) and I suspect whoever chose the man of the match was having a laugh. The other loanee bloke (or have we bought him? My interest is waning), the Burnley one whose name I can’t be ar5ed to learn came on later. I like him – he gives the ball away and then blames everyone else. Who was that midfielder who used to do that for us in the Golden Age of division 3, when we were in admin and he refused to give up his squad place even tho he was injured? ‘The new Redfearn?’ (I can’t remember, my memory has given up.) Anyway, a player whose name I don’t know reminded me of a player whose name I forget. If a sentence sums up watching the Super Reds right now, that’s it.

In more positive news, without the Londontykes coming en masse, I spent pre-match in Barnsley’s premier centre du biere….‘Heaven and Ale’, in the back streets behind Morrisons. Cracking pub, great company (not Nozza and Darrell, but a couple of pooches who insisted on a stroke). Plus some Black Country contractors marvelling at how great the pub 2 doors down from their Air BnB was. Recommended.

Drink du jour: CLWB Tropica (Tiny Rebel) in Heaven and Ale.

Away: 1,231. Superb turnout, great backing…but they had to give up baiting us (‘Is this a library?’) cos they got nowt back.

Today’s take home: Things could be worse. That burnt out car on the A1 could have been mine.

The Damage:
c.£31 travel
= c.£31