South Shields 1-2 FC United of Manchester, Tuesday 14th March 2023

South Shields 1-2 FC United of Manchester, Northern Premier League, 1st Cloud Arena (Mariners Park), att. 2,519 (c.80 away)

We’re heading into the home straight and tonite is probably my last chance this season of visiting Northern Premier League champions-elect South Shields. It’s their last scheduled midweek fixture and I’m booked up for the rest of the season for the weekends. But I’m not here to tick a ground off – I love a visit to Mariners Park, one of the best football experiences in the north-east.

There’s the ground, which under normal circumstances you have free rein to circumnavigate inside. A new stand towers over the ground the length of the southern touchline. It may only possess 5 rows of seating, but there’s exec boxes at the back and a large drop to the standing below, so views are exceptional. Mind, it costs an extra 2 quid these days to sit up there and I notice it’s not as busy as when it first opened and there was a flat-rate for entry.

Behind the eastern end a factory looms over a 2 step terrace with roof. To say it’s cosy here is an understatement, and with sub-zero temperatures, I snuggle in here second half. I am surprised there’s as much room as there is, especially now I’ve seen the official attendance. I’d say there were closer to 1,500 there….maybe many ticketholders gave it a miss (having already bought their tickets for the original fixture). There were certainly gaps to be had by the perimeter, something I’ve not seen at Shields before. Plus, a bloke was offering 2 tickets going spare pre-match, free to anyone who wants them.

The opposite end is maybe half a dozen steps, but it’s set back a couple of yards from the perimeter, which annoys me. The home ultras and their drum stand here, behind the goal. And while the drum bangs, the 100 or so youngsters (I don’t see anybody over 18) do get behind their team. This evening, the main bulk of the FC United contingent stand 15 yards to their right, and they too make some noise. When passing them, I made out some anti-Liverpool song, as befits their earlier incarnation as Manchester United fans. Perhaps they still are?

Then there’s the 4th side, where it all happens. There’s a small stand on the halfway line, with a paddock and press box. A large marquee sits to one side, eager to serve those thirsty fans. The other side of the stand has the retractable tunnel and then 3 steps with cover, a structure which wouldn’t look out of place in my back garden. Again, set back from the perimeter fence, views are poor from here. Adjacent is the social club, which, due to the marquee, due to the can bar on this side, due to the large bar under the new stand….isn’t as busy as you’d expect. Yet it’s fabulous. I’m a sucker for a carpet and Sky Sports on the big screens. Plus you get the largest range of beer here (in my case, Beavertown Neck Oil). Why settle for Birra Moretti elsewhere when you can have Neck Oil here? Service is fast and I even get a seat. On telly it’s Boro v Stoke in the Championship, none of that there Champions League nonsense (we could have been viewing Man City 7 (seven) RB Leipzig 0 (nil)). Oh, and parking is easy in the industrial estate next door, and the newly re-opened Metro station (Bede) is a couple of hundred metres walk away. Trains intermittently fly past, providing an additional view for 3 sides of the ground.

I venture out of the warm in time to see the players come out. My first half perch would be by the perimeter fence. Behind me, high above, are the ‘Balcony Squad’ (I know they are the ‘Balcony Squad’ because they have a flag wot tells me). I envy their view, on a balcony above the social club. Maybe one day I’ll pick up the courage to sneak up the stairs inside the social club to join them. It must be some view.

Unfortunately, following the coin toss, the teams swap ends, meaning South Shields are kicking to the far end. Expecting a home victory, I consider moving, but retain my place long enough to see the Mariners go ahead, a header following a short corner. There are but 5 minutes on the clock. However, it’s a pretty even opening half, and United get their reward just after half-time. Shields lose the ball on the edge of the box and the keeper appears to misjudge the shot, as it sails into the far corner. It’s game on, with both sides demonstrating pace, physicality and skill. Understandable perhaps with both sides full of ex English and Scottish league players.

I’m behind the United goal as their keeper pulls off a couple of ‘worldies’. Indeed, a home fan threatens to p*** in his water bottle (as a Guiseley fan did the other week, same division). He’s joking, and the keeper takes it in good spirit, placating fans with ‘you’re going up anyway’. But these saves are key. The hosts never reach the fluidity of the first half and rarely look like scoring and it’s no surprise when United pinch it with a near post header from a corner. Radcliffe Borough have also won tonite to go second. The gap is down to a mere 10 points, with 7 games to play. But as the United keeper said ….

The Damage:
£12 ent
£3 programme
£4.20 Beavertown Neck Oil
= £19.20

The Tunes:
BBC5Live

BFC 3-0 Plymouth Argyle, Saturday 11th March 2023

‘Can we play you every week?’

In what is our latest ‘crucial’ game, we play host to Plymouth Argyle. Only a win will do if we’re to retain hopes of coming 2nd (tho since when did Ipshit start winning?). Draw, and I don’t see any way we’ll catch Argyle. Even a win and we’re unlikely, given their run-in. We take them to pieces.

The first half was even, an entertaining and high quality game though lacking in actual chances. We score early, as Kane blasts home from 12 yards. But no, offside given against Norwood in the build-up. If only we had VAR! Let’s just say it was close. Our usual slick moves make inroads into their half, but the finish isn’t there. The closest we came was a low Phillips cross to the front post and Cole a whisker away from connecting. He’s always a whisker away, which comes from not being a natural finisher. Lineker, Ian Rush….Super Sammy Winnall, they’d have snaffled that like a member of Weightwatchers staring at a Ferrero Rocher. (I sit here staring at a box of Ferrero Rocher.) Another amazing cross from Phillips, a half volleyed hook from near the corner flag gets zero reward. We also have no-one who can head a ball up top.

2nd half, all change. ‘Taxi for Argyle!’ Well, not quite. We ride our luck as Mads completely misses a long ball forward from their Virgil Van Dyke-alike* and they’re clean through. The ghost of Andy Rammell bears down on the centre forward, who doesn’t quite know what to do and confusedly dribbles it up to the keeper. I think it was their last kick of the ball. On the hour, Phillips takes the ball at the edge of the box, steps back, sets himself and drills a low one in from 20 odd yards. FINALLY I have seen The Enigma score. (This was about 5 minutes after I sent a WhatsApp message about Phillips continued inability to hit the target when I’m there….a header 15 yards wide, and another 2 yards high.) A quality strike.

*looked like him, didn’t play like him.

And such was the faith Duff has in this team that before we scored our killer second, he’d taken off Phillips and Norwood, replacing them with Benson and Tedic. I’m sure the person to my right wasn’t the only one questioning this. Phillips and Norwood had been outstanding and we’re playing a side who’re second. No matter.

A quarter of an hour or so later, a half-cleared corner is whipped back in by Bobby Thomas and Mads is in acres of space at the back post to head in. Like Norwood the other night against Pompey, Mads was stood there forever on his own, but the ball in was superb. We are CRUISING and it’s party time at Oakwell. As Plymouth start slinking out, the Ponty are asking the East and West Stands for a song – and getting one! What is happening!!??

Player of the Match (DON’T start me) Harry Herbie Kane is hooked, as is Connell, (Player of the Season thus far, surely). What happens? We score another. Luke Thomas is on and runs at their defender before falling/diving 4 yards into the box. Now, I’m not sure it was a foul, but once the ref gives it as such, surely it’s a penalty. I don’t care whether the initial contact might have been outside the box, it certainly continues inside….Luke Thomas makes sure it does. The ref awards a free kick. We will never, ever, get a penalty (see later). Cadden curls it into the top corner. YOU BEAUTY!

Rumour has it this is a side bearing down on promotion. But hold on, let’s not get carried away. It’s a crucial game this Satdy, at play-off chasing Wycombe. After that, a crucial home game with local rivals and league leaders Washday. Then another crucial game as Ipshit visit us. Crucial? Every game’s crucial!

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kane. After Mowatt and Kane, which hapless midfielder do we have to loan out to Oxford next? Kane was involved in EVERYTHING, gets up and down, makes the passes, puts in the tackles…and was unlucky not to score. Well, he did score, but you know what I mean…
** Jordan Williams. Up and down, up and down. We have done it again – making a profit on a player and replacing him with someone better.
* Mads. Magnificent 1st half. And finally scored. I’ll forget the aberration.

Official MOTM: Kane

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kane 2. Connell 3. Andersen

Despatches:
Isted in goal dropped a couple, 1st half. But at least we didn’t have to put up with Collins’ timewasting antics. Perhaps having a keeper who gets on with it keeps up the momentum further up the field. Just a thought. Kitching and Thomas were massive in defence. It takes guts to hold the line while Argyle keep trying to thread a ball through. How many times did we catch them offside? Cadden kept possession well and scored a second consecutive blinder. Connell, Phillips and Kane. What a midfield 3. The only danger today was Connell’s early booking taking the aggression away for the rest of the game. It didn’t. And up front, Norwood carried on from Tuesday. That inability to get on the end of Phillips’ cross apart, I thought Cole was playing well, so not sure why he was replaced at half time by Watters, who managed to have 2 shots while simultaneously being anonymous. Still, he fills a space and takes defenders’ minds away from the better players in our team.

This penalty thing. Did you know today (Sunday) is our anniversary? It’s exactly a YEAR since we were awarded a penalty. (Thanks to P. Waddington for that.) We are 4th in the league, one of the highest scorers, and yet we have managed to avoid being given a penalty all season. The Goals For suggests we DO make it into the opponents box….and I’m sure there’ll be a stat somewhere about how often we’re in their box. Yet somehow, SOMEHOW, we have not even benefited from one of those ‘50/50’ decisions I keep hearing about.

'Hey Jude' at full time. What's that all about? 'THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN' FFS, after a victory. And I love The Beatles. Let's have a bit of Rocky Raccoon. Or Tomorrow Never Knows. Or Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. But this is dirge. Hearing it through our PA system is like listening to a bunch of Brummies in a pub singalong. Hey, Mr DJ - you've played it pre-match, leave it there. Instead, picture yourself in a boat on a river. With tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly....

Oh, and my pre-match meal. The other night I had fish, chips and mushy peas. How much? Have a guess. How much is fish and chips in BARNSLEY? Precisely, how much is fish and chips (and mushy peas, let’s not forget the mushy peas) at the chippy across and down from the cinema? OK, it’s had a refurbish. And I hear electricity is more expensive these days. A tenner. You read that right – A TENNER. Cost of living crisis, food and hospitality struggling….I refer the dishonourable Londontykes to my comments after going down to that there London for Charlton – I realise some industries are struggling, but I didn’t realise I had to rescue them on my own. Last time I was here, it was less than 6 quid. So I had pie and peas (with mint sauce) from the Oakwell Sandwich Shop….and didn’t realise that as I walked through the Ponty car park, I was slowly covering myself in mushy pea juice, seeping out from the polystyrene container (f*** the turtles and everything else currently living in our oceans). I was wearing so much green I could have been a Plymouth fan. I think it now has to be part of my pre-match ‘lucky’ routine.

Drink du jour: Inception IPA. Dee-lish. With Special Guest Star Miriam, up from Brighton for her 1st home game since before Covid. (I’m a bit gutted she didn’t have to share the pain of last season.) You can tell who these serious real ale drinkers are though – Miriam had 2 different half pints!

Away: 1,496. Tremendous. Their official supporters coaches were due to set off at 6:15am….with a pitch inspection at 10. Listen lads, if we don’t nick 2nd, I hope youse do it.

Today’s take home: It’s on.

The Damage:
c.£32 travel (petrol)
= c.£32

The Tunes:
Huey Morgan (BBC 6Music)
Gilles Petersen Worldwide (BBC 6Music)
Craig Charles’ Funk and Soul Show (with Stuart Maconie) (BBC Sounds)

BFC 3-1 Portsmouth, Tuesday 7th March 2023

‘East Stand, give us a song.’

It’s the day before we’re due to play Portsmouth at Oakwell and I receive a message: the East Stand will be closed, due to an issue of loose cladding. Something like 4,000 season-ticket holders will be forced to move at short notice. So where to sit? Ponty End? Old main stand? Or joining the away fans in the Barry Murphy North Stand? One advantage of having a ground that’s too big for us is we’ve got an average of 13,000 vacant seats each game, so space isn’t a problem. However, all those old folks without jobs to go to fill out the main stand’s upper tier before I finish work. Cover, cosy, and, crucially, offering the shortest walk from the town centre. So I elected to give the North Stand a go. I think I’ve only ever sat here once….home to Port Vale in a Xmas game….cigars and terrible aftershave being the memory of the day. Yes, it was a while back.

Entering the stand, one of the first people I see is former BFC secretary Michael Spinks. He waves me over for a word. ‘This wouldn’t have happened on your watch.’ ‘Too right’ he laughs. (It won’t surprise youse to learn we’ve known each other since the good old days of him dealing with my complaints.) Mind, it can’t be that serious – the stand is due to re-open 4 days later for the Plymouth game. We presume all it takes is a man with a ladder and a hammer and nails.

Anyway, you’d think they were guarding the crown jewels, as a phalanx of stewards is lined up next to barriers outside the East Stand to prevent gawpers coming too close. I’ve seen fewer stewards at home to Dirty Leeds. I’d also never seen so many black people in Oakwell. No bad thing, though it’s a bit drastic if you have to bus them in from London AND pay them. Musta cost us a fortune.

Fair dues to the Oakwell hierarchy, ticketing arrangements went like a dream (helped, no doubt, by all those traipsing to Oakwell throughout the afternoon). A large gazebo outside the Ponty End had boxes of tickets for each of the other 3 stands. Show your season ticket, choose your stand and get a ticket. Simples. Also, perhaps organisation is testament to Head of Ticketing Beth, whose latest hospital update was ‘critical’. In uncanny timing….the 16th minute to be precise…the Super Reds go one nil up as fans around Oakwell light up their mobile phones in her honour.

It was a fabulous goal, too. Phillips intercepts the ball on the halfway line, strides forward 20 odd yards before playing a ball out left to the unmarked Norwood to confidently bury. However, it would be remiss of me not to point out how long Pompey left Norwood alone. Phillips couldn’t fail…could he? Minutes later, Cadden cuts inside from the right (whatthehell is he doing THERE?) and curls a beauty into the far corner. All in front of us in the North Stand. We’d taken Portsmouth apart and fully deserved the 2 goal lead. A rare foray forward from them gave them a volleyed chance from 12 yards which dribbled to the keeper.

Didn’t someone once say a two goal lead is the most dangerous? So, far better to make it one, as Pompey score early in the second half. Nobody bothers to stop their right wing cross, and nobody bothers marking the bloke running in to head powerfully home. It’s a scare, and later on, we try to repeat it, as Cadden and Kitching actively back off to let another unchallenged cross in. I’d be tempted to say it was part of a plan, if a slightly heated conversation between those 2 and Kane didn’t take place. We need to not get ahead of ourselves. We’re good, but we’re not THAT good.

Thankfully, after conceding, the Super Reds carry on as if it hasn’t happened. No nerves, no dropping deep, no trying to hang on – we go back on the attack and it’s not long before Cole makes it safe, banging it high into the net as he ran on to Norwood’s low cross. Oakwell wakes up, :Pompey (finally) shut up and we can contemplate catching Plymouth for second. Well, until I saw their remaining fixtures.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Norwood. A constant handful, a goal and assist reward for a top performance.
** Kane. Everything seemed to go through him, especially first half.
* Cole. Complemented Norwood. Bustle and speed, quite a combo tonite.

Official MOTM: Norwood.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Norwood 2= Connell / Kane

Despatches:
Rumours of an atmosphere having broken out at the Derby match seemed a distant memory as The Morgue returned. Good job we were winning and a bit of home noise eventually won out. The North Stand didn’t help, as 1500 or so Reds fans didn’t know what to do. Special mention to the 5 young lads at the back trying to get something going. For the rest of us, I apologise. Not sure about ‘Hat nonce, give us a song’, but there it is.

I’ve said it before, but aside from the slick passing, one of the keys to our success is our players’ ability to read the game and step out from behind an opponent to nick the ball and set up a counter attack. Phillips did it with the first goal, but Mads….Connell…Jordan Williams…they all do it. Invite the opposition on, rob the ball, and couter attack at pace. Even Devante Cole looks like a footballer in this system. Whisper it, but I think we have a chance.

Oh, and then I gave a Chris a lift to his hotel. After we walked back to the railway station, me forgetting my car was parked in a back street near Oakwell. I am starting to worry about early onset dementia. I am starting to worry about early onset dementia.

Drink du jour: A pint of Leffe with Nice Guy Chris in Bramahs.

Away: 1,217. A great turnout in midweek for a midtable side several hours’ drive away. And it’s fair to say I couldn’t hear the Ponty in the first half above their racket. And they took defeat well.

Today’s take home: The boys are back in town!

The Damage:
c.£30 travel (petrol)
£33 3rd shirt
= c.£63

The Tunes:
EFL Show (BBC Sounds)
Euro Leagues (BBC Sounds)