Glossop North End 1-1 Barnoldswick Town, Saturday 23rd March 2024

Glossop North End 1-1 Barnoldswick Town, North West Counties League Premier Division, Asgard Engineering Stadium (Surrey Street), att. 292

Can there be a finer journey in football than driving to Glossop? Heading across the Pennines, through Holmfirth, up to Holme Moss summit, before dipping down again past Woodhead and numerous reservoirs, and yet more hills, before arriving at Glossop, on the edge of the Derbyshire Peak District. You’d do well not to have an accident as you attempt to take in the breathtaking views. Then, at journey’s end, you arrive at Glossop North End, the smallest team (in terms of population) ever to grace England’s top flight, albeit in 1899-1900.

Surrey Street is up a hill. Of course it is. And although there’s fine views of hills at one side, an industrial estate bounds the other. The folk are very friendly though, and on entrance I’m given a free raffle ticket. 4th prize is ‘win the goals in pints’. ‘What if it’s nil nil?’ I ask. ‘Oh, it’ll still get drawn. Think of it as a booby prize.’ I like his style, and, for the most part, can’t help myself in hoping for a goalless draw today.

The social club is on the left as you enter. It’s sizable and offers slightly more than your usual Carling etc. I plump for a Distant Hills KeraIa IPA and very nice it is too. A menu of alcohol free beers suggests they have about 20 to choose from. Surely not. A Glossop North End embossed table football table doubles as pint holder while every normal table is taken.

Next door are the changing rooms, beside a couple of covered steps of terracing. To the left of that is the main stand, stretching from the byeline to nearly the halfway line. After that, nothing beyond a perimeter fence. For a good half hour I’m not even sure if people are allowed in this one and a half sides of the ground, before one brave soldier walks around from the Surrey Street side. Opposite the main stand, on the Surrey Street side, is a small terrace with cover either side of the halfway line. This is where most supporters are stood, hidden from the intermittent rain.

A lower midtable battle, the visitors are Barnoldswick, or ‘Barlick’ as they pronounce it. They’ve brought quite a few as well. Must be the journey. They’re pretty vocal, as are the North End ultras, around 15 pre-pubescent kids who start out at one end of the main stand and work their way around the ground. Occasionally, their leader will go on a run through the crowd and the rest will follow, though his acolytes aren’t quite on message after Glossop open the scoring after 66 minutes. On a cold, wet day, the sight of a young lad running topless down a terrace brings much mirth amongst the adults.

Barlick have been unlucky, North End throwing bodies in front of them in several goalmouth scrambles, but a late equaliser means the visitors don’t go home disappointed. Then it’s back to the clubhouse for the draw, and, like half time, there’s a cover band offering us the likes of James and Oasis. I really want to win the draw, a North End shirt, but the club is packed – well done Glossop – and I want to make hay while it’s daylight. Those views won’t be the same in the dark. Beautiful.

The Damage:
£10 ent
£2 programme
£4 Distant Hills Kerala IPA
= £16

Thornaby 0-3 Billingham Synthonia, Wednesday 20th March 2024

Thornaby 0-3 Billingham Synthonia, Northern League Division 2, Teesdale Park, att. 170

I’m back up in the north east for a funeral (tomorrow). A lady in my dad’s old street has died, aged 82. Another lady in the same small close of 6 houses is now in a hospice, riddled with dementia (her, not the hospice, although...) A fourth is in her eighties. Only one house of six has ever been sold in over 35 years and we may be looking at three, maybe four, in quick succession. I’d better get my dad’s on the market and fast!

So it is, I spend the day cleaning the house before treating myself to tonite’s game. I considered Brandon (again) but what swings it is my hunger. I can help myself at the Toby Carvery in Wolvsiton, down the road from Thornaby, pre-match. No hassle, no waiting, just get in and gorge. Perfect. However, I must have left my wallet at home, so with a loose 18 quid in the car, I’m forced to drink tap water so I can afford to get in at Thornaby.

The satnav tells me I’m a mere 15 minutes drive from Teesdale Park, one of those Northern League grounds I’ve no idea how to find, though actually it’s just off the A19. For a well populated area, Thornaby have poor crowds. I suppose all Northern League clubs do. But they’re not helped by a ground that’s 400 metres down a mudtrack through an ill-lit wood. I’m not sure I’d fancy it without a car, and fortunately there’s plenty of parking. Just don’t be the mug who arrives late and tries to park too close, unless you fancy reversing 100 metres back.

Rumours of Thornaby’s demise appear greatly exaggerated. Or, at least, their clubhouse, a victim of an arson attack last summer, is back in operation. Thank goodness for that. Teesside lost South Bank FC years ago due to repeated vandalism, though Thornaby’s isolated position lends itself to idiots wanting to destroy it for others.

This evening’s visitors are local rivals – of sorts – Billingham Synthonia, another side with ground issues. Forced to move out of the now demolished Central Park in 2017, they’ve spent the last couple of seasons at Stokesley Sports Club, which isn’t even in the same county (it’s across the border in North Yorkshire). The only club named after an agricultural fertiliser, their famous name somehow lives on, but needs a return to Billingham. Sadly, they just can’t get on enough to share with crosstown rivals Town.

Despite it being midweek, Thornaby register one of their highest crowds of the season, no doubt boosted by a few Synthonia fans. I see one bloke in what I presume to be one of Liverpool’s awful away shirts…green and white quarters...but it turns out to be a Synners shirt, and all the better for it. Entrance is a bargain six quid, but no programmes. Too much effort when crowds barely make three figures.

Ground entry is at the far corner, which is probably not what you want when you’ve walked 400 metres down a muddy lane. Oddly, the exit is far easier, as they open a gate at the near end. But the social club is at the far end, with one of the two car parks behind. As you enter, the social club is to the left, with a steep bank of seating behind the goal, open to the elements. Thornaby’s more youthful more vocal element, take their pews at the back.

The main stand is on the touchline to the right of the entrance. It’s maybe 20 metres long and is in the other half and is essentially a propped cover in front of the changing rooms. Before you reach it, there’s a wooden cover where you can picnic. At the far end there is a small cover stretching half of the pitch, resplendent with flags hanging off its back wall. A pity I’ve never seen anyone stand at this end in my two visits.

Most fans stand on the 4th side, either atop a grass bank or near the touchline. On the halfway line there’s a bus shelter for cover, with a scaffolding gantry for the TV camera (unused tonite). At one end are a couple of shelters above the banking, affording one of the best (highest) views in the Northern League, and it’s here I stand second half. An old bloke complains to me about how cold it is and I remark how it’s not cold enough to stop him having a can of cider. ‘Aye, but I’ve got mi’ gloves on.’ I can only admire anyone who’s dedication to drink extends to imbibing in the cold. Not that I can join him, with two quid in my pocket.

Despite there being only 3 points separating the two sides on the brink of the promotion race, Synners run out easy victors, 0-3. It’s 0-2 by the break and the game is as good as up 5 mins into the second half as the visitors spring the offside trap for a 3rd. I get home and can’t find my wallet. As panic sets in, I check the car. It was there all the time. Dammit and phew.

The Damage:
£6 ent
= £6