‘We’re having a party cos Thatcher’s dead.’
2013 GCSE Maths exam. Team A has just played away at the champions-elect and the side 4th in the table, conceding one goal in 180 minutes. How many will Team A concede at home to Team B, who are in the middle of the table, with nothing to play for and with their summer holidays in sight?
Of course, the answer is half a dozen. There’s been many, many matches this season where we’ve walked out of the ground thinking ‘well, if we go down, THAT’S the match wot’s relegated us’. Washday home and away, Birmingham home, Blackburn home…Peterboro away. But yesterday topped them all. Beaten by six and Dawson sent off for violent conduct, thereby missing 3 of the last 4 matches.
And yet it all started so well. The team came out the tunnel, no-one fell over and we went over 3 minutes without conceding a goal. Even by the 4th minute the writing had been on the wall, Kennedy already being ripped to pieces down the left and it was from there the goal was created. A ball was laid back, the cross was whipped in and Dawson dived to head it away and missed it completely. The snapshot came in, Steele parried and their bloke reacted quickest. 0-1.
After 20 odd minutes it was 0-2, their players going through 3 or 4 weak willed lily-livered challenges on the edge of the box before drilling home. Yet still we had hope. It was only 2, if we pulled a goal back, etc etc. And at least the manager had made a tactical change: bringing on Scotland for Polish Tom. Even renowned miserablist Marshall Snr. referred at half time to that ‘being our bad half’. How little we all knew.
2nd half, briiliant, the players have had a talking to, we are really gonna take the game to Charlton this half, show them what Barnsley have been about since the turn of the year. Or repeat the process of the 1st half and concede an early comical goal. And so it was that we failed to cut out a cross from their left and Steele went wandering, possibly anticipating the cross and ending up underneath it as it flew to the backpost for a simple header. Has any team in the existence of football conceded as many goals on the backpost as we have?
It’s soon 4-0 too as a shot straight at Steele goes through him. Absolutely appalling and Steele spent 20 seconds with his face in the turf, angry, embarrassed, gutted. I know the feeling.
So, ok, it’s 4-0 and we’ve almost certainly lost. But an eternal optimist does think there’s always a chance (remember Newcastle v Arsenal last year?) but that hope is positively extinguished when Dawson sees red for a foul in midfield. I thought it was harsh, it looked like he went for the ball, but Salisbury (who probably had a better view) says he scissored him and had to go. So now it was a case of how many would Charlton get?
Weirdly, we then had our best period of the game, one goalmouth scramble involving 3 or 4 shots being blocked. It was that kind of day – Mellis had one cleared off the line in the 1st half too. Nothing went for us, everything went for them, but they deserved it, pressurising our players a la Barnsley.
The nap hand came when Hassell finally did some defending and blocked 2 shots, only for the ball to roll out left to a loose Addick who Wiseman couldn’t be bothered to track back for. Nil bloody five at home. At this point I seriously worried they might beat my record BFC home defeat – THAT game against Chelsea. But they had Vialli that day. Who do Charlton have?
Thankfully, Kennedy takes one for the team and prevents a 6th, not by some quality defending but by being outpaced and taking out their player who’d be clean through. Thank god. Kennedy was woeful all day and him missing the next game was about the brightest part of this game. Ok, so we don’t have another left back at the club, but anyone, ANYONE must be better than Kennedy based on today. (Paul Gibbs?)
And what’s this? We’re down to 9 men, we have 3 centre forwards on the pitch and Foster goes up front on his own. He’s obviously injured – he can’t move, just stands on the centre spot. All the subs are on so we’re essentially playing with 8 players, so it’s no surprise when Charlton notch again. Steele saves 2 one-on-ones (too late now, Luke!) and the ball drops for Fuller to curl home from the edge of the box. The rout is complete.
*** No-one.
** Foster. Everyone else in defence looked calamitous.
* O’Grady. Strong, looked promising
Despatches: what could’ve been done differently? Everything. For me, I’d have had Kennedy off early, maybe switched Hassell or Wiseman across…and I’d have had Mellis off for O’Brien. What with our game being based on putting opponents under constant pressure, we cannot afford to have Mellis strolling around looking fancy. What does he bring to our midfield? I’ll tell you what he brings – the ability to make disguised passes, as, just when the opposition think he’s going to thread a ball through the middle, he squares it 10 yards. Priceless. He reminds me of McFrail, but without the left foot.
Mind, Dawson was also off the pace (and that was BEFORE his ‘tackle’) and Perkins had one of those games, where his midgety little self was bullied out of it. Dagnall’s runs also all came to nought, so he might as well have not been there and…and…and. Christ, what’s the point? They were all s***.
Drinks du jour: Would sir like a vodka and orange, vodka and cranberry or a gin and tonic? Ice and a slice? Yes please, but there’s no ice, so a slice of lime only. Thanks to Salisbury, who as ever, had the knife he gets from mummy to make his sarnies with.
And naturally, we had to share a carriage with a bunch of Charlton fans. Given Tim’s filthy mood after the match, I really feared for them, but everyone chilled the f*** out once drinks were served.
One plus side to this drubbing. With 2 easy home games against midtable Charlton and Derby to come, our cantor to safety would be an anti climax, after the battle we’ve had to stay up this season. So I’m pleased, cos I’ll tell you how it’s gonna be. A draw v Derby, beaten at Forest, before we turn over a Hull side (literally) still drunk from their promotion success and then watch a Huddersfield side who are safe themselves roll over and have their tummies tickled in front of 4000 .
In fact, I is gonna wait till after the defeat at Forest before putting my tenner on that we’ll stay up. Maximise the odds, like.
Sorted.
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