‘I didn’t shag her, he only sucked me off.’
Another season, another home disappointment v the Fowls. It doesn’t matter how bad Washday are, the Oakwell experience never ends well for us. At least this time we took the lead – a super finish from Pedersen, preying on the luck of a defence in disarray as his 1st effort cannoned off the post (should’ve done better).
But I guess anyone of you who’re reading this would’ve been interested enough to tune in to the game on telly anyway. So do I need to say we controlled it for 60 mins then threw it away? Do I need to point out how complacent we were early second half, knowing how much better than Washday we were, knowing how we were already leading, knowing there was no particular need to grab a 2nd, or a 3rd? If you’d substitute ‘Middlesbrough’ for ‘Sheffield Wednesday’ I’d swear it was last week.
Then it happened. A corner is cleared by us and, with 11 men back and no-one on the halfway line, O’Grady and Pedersen chase the ball down, only for it to be hoofed back, with interest. A slice, or a flick-on – who knows? – and the ball runs loose for Fryatt to smash the ball past Butland. We have the best keeper in the division and still there is no way we will ever keep a clean sheet. And I blame Flitcroft for this one: the same happened 1st half, a corner cleared, BOTH O’G and the Norweigan ran it down (listen lads: ONE to run to the ball, the other to hang back) and Pedersen was sidestepped, the cross came in and somehow their guy missed an open goal on the back post. QED, there is NO advantage to us having 11 men back in the box off a corner, cos the resultant ball back in ends up being more dangerous than the original deadball.
And from equalising, there was only ever going to be one winner – Washday. 2, if not 3, unbelievable saves from Butland prevented this, one was even deflected and he clawed it away. I’m with Butland – if you can’t make it to Brazil with England while playing behind this team, how else can you!? And I'm not even mentioning the blatant penalty (M'Voto's handball).
MOTM was tough. I had a row with the rest of the train re: the merits of Kennedy, who I thought played a blinder, making 3 fabulous tackles. Meantime, it seems the world and his wife thinks Wiseman had a great game, and I never noticed him. (I wouldn’t normally commend The Football League Paper for its marks, but they thought Kennedy was impressive.) McCourt got official MOTM, Perkins got it off the telly….and Butland was the only one with a ‘perfect’ game, his main blemish being having little to do for an hour! And so it is I go for…
*** McCourt. Looked great going forward, beating players with ease (except when he didn’t). One sublime dribble 1st half and how Pedersen missed the subsequent tap in I’ll never know. In fact, 3 times the ball fizzed along their 6 yard box and zero times were either of our 2 centre forwards on the end of it. Poor. Plus, Paddy was sorely missed when he came off, replaced (sort of) by Jennings, on the wing (more of him later).
** Kennedy. Give credit where it’s due. He’s nobody’s choice of left back, but he was excellent for 70+ minutes.
* Butland. Didn’t quite have enough to do to make him MOTM, but as I said, everything he did was outstanding. He even shouts at his defence like an international. I bet he cried into his beer, Sat nite.
Despatches:
Where to start? Can someone NOT Fox take a deadball, cos he doesn’t impress me, whatever he does in training. And what DOES Mellis do? (‘Gets substituted’ – Sarah, reading this over my shoulder). Played out wide, ‘not his natural position’ they all say. ‘Well, better there than in central midfield, where he can do (us) damage’ says I. But I’ve not quite seen ire for one bloke’s half an hour cameo for a while until Jennings came on. I’ve been trying to allay judgement, for fear I haven’t seen him enough, but God he looks s***. So s*** he’s re-igniting dreams that it might not be too late for some of us to get a game for the Super Reds. My favourite (everyone’s favourite?) Dale Jennings moment must have been when he dummied the bloke on the through ball then fell over turning. Is it wrong to laugh at your own players? ‘Ex-Bayern Munich’ they say. ‘Ex-Tranmere Rovers’ says I. As for the rest, Andy is indeed right: you’re all in danger of giving one player too many dues when 3 or 4 of them all look the same – ‘mousey brown hair and beards’ (Sarah’s words, she’d also noticed that from the comfort of our couch). Anyway, may I say, I’m currently in possession of both. OI FLITCROFT! Gizza game! Go on! Gizza game! I can do it! I can, David, I can!
As for the trip, the early KO did the London branch no favours. I was problies last to get up, at half past bl**dy six, in time to be on 3 (count ‘em!) late trains up north and then a Magical Mystery Tour on the way back, 4 and a half hours of avoiding engineering works and the sight of Robin Hood airport and Lincoln Cathedral. WTF? Still, not as bizarre as being joined by a black geezer who confuses me with his ‘impression of Bruno’ – sounded nothing like Sasha Baron Cohen’s gay Austrian fashion bloke, but no, it’s some ex-boxer of my childhood. Topical! Then he confirms what we’ve already suspected, ‘I have the same problem as (Frank) Bruno’ and an uncomfortable silence ensues. Before he starts singing again…was it UB40? I forget…But youse MUST ask Andy Jones to regale you with his tale of a trip to a Cologne brothel, cos that one still tickles me.
Drink du jour: Vodka and coke, with a couple of bottles of red. But there was some serious wilting going on till the alcohol kicked in. I’ve decided I’m not such a fan of 12:15 home games, despite Mrs Reed getting the drinks in at the Old Number 7!
Going down with the Wednesday…
A
ps, one final comment. 3130 away fans. Are they the Blunts in disguise? One thing I've always thought about the blue and white stripey ba5tards - they always bring a few and make some noise. Not this time.
Monday, 28 October 2013
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Barnsley 3-2 Boro, Saturday 19th October 2013
'What a f***ing creature'
We are officially the worst team to ever hold a three goal lead in a football match. We were dreadful and Boro were worse. Apart from a couple of minutes towards half time, it was dismal. We couldn’t complete a pass and who knows what would’ve happened had Boro opened the score early on when our ‘offside trap’ once again went shockingly wrong. Indeed, their bloke looked so amazed that he was given onside that he had time to turn around, look at the linesman, look at our defenders (nearest one: 10 yards away) turn around and blaze the ball over the bar. To Butland’s credit, he hared out of goal, possibly putting the player off.
We are officially the worst team to ever hold a three goal lead in a football match. We were dreadful and Boro were worse. Apart from a couple of minutes towards half time, it was dismal. We couldn’t complete a pass and who knows what would’ve happened had Boro opened the score early on when our ‘offside trap’ once again went shockingly wrong. Indeed, their bloke looked so amazed that he was given onside that he had time to turn around, look at the linesman, look at our defenders (nearest one: 10 yards away) turn around and blaze the ball over the bar. To Butland’s credit, he hared out of goal, possibly putting the player off.
However, I think we’ve just used a season’s worth of luck in one game. A player too unfit to complete half an hour is allowed to waltz past half the Boro team for #1, O’Brien has a long range effort deflected off O’Grady for #2 and our 3rd comes when Pedersen, in slow motion, makes sure he gets hit for a pen (international class). At least this allows a lacklustre Butterfield to be regaled wiith ‘Jacob, Jacob what’s the score?’, probably the first time this has been sung since Old Testament times. Boro responded with ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’. You can’t expect to stay in a job if you’re getting tanked off Barnsley. That goes for any team.
So, 3-0 at half time. Unbelievable, Jeff. People were laughing under the stands (well, they were in the East upper), the situation was beyond hilarious. Could we f*** it up? Well, I’ll give it to the Super Reds, they tried. Out they came, 2nd half, a team full of Mellises (Mellisi? What’s the plural of a Mellis?), simply strolling through proceedings, not being at all bothered about the time and space afforded them as Boro pushed half their team up front. This was neatly summed up in a half ar5ed attempted chip from a clean through Pedersen, the ball scuffed gently along the floor to a retreating keeper. Then the actual Mellis was taken off, so we only had 10 of them and Polish Tom had his usual thrusting cameo (why does he never start a game?).
But of course, when we fail to put a team to the sword, we’ll always give them an opportunity to hit back. Boro missed a great opportunity with 12 mins left. I can’t remember the miss, I just remember thinking ‘that’s it. Their chance has gone. They’ll not get back into it now.’ I can’t believe I allowed my inate scepticism to waver for a moment. It took 4 mins for it to return. O’Brien was skinned for the 4th time in 15 minutes at right back (2 questions: 1. Why was nobody covering him after the 1st time he was skinned? 2. How did O’Brien end up at right back for the last 20 minutes, while Wiseman was still on the pitch? Where had HE gone?) Anyway…yes, O’Brien was skinned, the ball was pulled back, and Adomah hit a crisp finish which looped in off a defender and over a despairing Butland. The hunt for a clean sheet goes on. 2 mins later and it really is squeaky bum time, as a hopeful ball into the box is missed by everyone and Adomah bags another. I really don’t understand how the ball got to him, it never seemed to go above head height and one, if not two, of our players simply allowed it to pass them.
This woke the fans (and players) up though. All of a sudden, there was a game on. You could see the players putting in a shift, desperate not to give Boro anything. Why does it need them to score for us to do this? Including injury time, it was 10 mins of hanging on, though Boro only had one chance in that time, when the ref allowed a blatant push to go unpunished (to be fair, he’d given us everything else: see earlier comment re: luck) and that player’s knockdown was put wide from 6 yards. Phew.
*** O’Grady. Held the ball up, time and again he put himself between their player and the ball and used his strength well. Notched two, though neither were goal of the season contenders – a penalty and a ball that hit him. Sponsors MOTM.
** M’Voto. Won everything in the air against million pound man Jukowicz (sp?). And he had to win a lot, as Boro launched it almost as much as Washday do, 1st half.
* Crainie. Along with M’Voto, shut the door on the Boro attack.
Away: 2200.
Despatches:
Butland was again magnificent, yet proof magnificent is never enough in our goal was in conceding another 2. I thought Kennedy was decent, till the last 15 when Boro hit on this amazing idea of giving their terrific wingers the ball – after that, they tore us to pieces on both flanks. O’Brien did well, till he found himself at right back. The rest were a bit crap, actually.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I was ambling towards t’Well wondering this. As it’s 20 odd years since I lived in the north-east, can I really carry on despising a team (Boro) whose fans I never see anymore? Well, on encountering a few of the Smoggies (Smog Monsters) near the ground, I can quite categorically say ‘YES’. Ever masters of supreme irony, their drunken strains of ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ sounds even worse when they’ve yet to even get in the stadium. Listen lads, if you wanna leave, the train station’s BEHIND you. And do you really intend to sing ‘MiddlesBORE, MiddlesBORE’. Too bl**dy true. Still, we had the joys of a Boro fan in our midst on the train. Number of mentions of not seeing ‘Kes’ in Barnsley: four. Number of allusions to raping women: three
Drink du jour: JD and DC (Diet coke). 2 litres of JD between 5 (and Gerry) = very drunk. So naturally me, Andy and Slacki went to Caminos once we got back, where I vaguely remember drinking something pink. Maybe the other 2 can confirm? I also cannot remember leaving Camino’s, or where I caught the bus from, but I do remember missing my stop. Again.
So, here it is, we’ve now won 2 games – and coincidentally against teams with former ‘star’ players…Hamill and Butterfield. Are there any other ex-players in this league? It might be our best chance of winning a 3rd game this season.
Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, 3-0 at half time. Unbelievable, Jeff. People were laughing under the stands (well, they were in the East upper), the situation was beyond hilarious. Could we f*** it up? Well, I’ll give it to the Super Reds, they tried. Out they came, 2nd half, a team full of Mellises (Mellisi? What’s the plural of a Mellis?), simply strolling through proceedings, not being at all bothered about the time and space afforded them as Boro pushed half their team up front. This was neatly summed up in a half ar5ed attempted chip from a clean through Pedersen, the ball scuffed gently along the floor to a retreating keeper. Then the actual Mellis was taken off, so we only had 10 of them and Polish Tom had his usual thrusting cameo (why does he never start a game?).
But of course, when we fail to put a team to the sword, we’ll always give them an opportunity to hit back. Boro missed a great opportunity with 12 mins left. I can’t remember the miss, I just remember thinking ‘that’s it. Their chance has gone. They’ll not get back into it now.’ I can’t believe I allowed my inate scepticism to waver for a moment. It took 4 mins for it to return. O’Brien was skinned for the 4th time in 15 minutes at right back (2 questions: 1. Why was nobody covering him after the 1st time he was skinned? 2. How did O’Brien end up at right back for the last 20 minutes, while Wiseman was still on the pitch? Where had HE gone?) Anyway…yes, O’Brien was skinned, the ball was pulled back, and Adomah hit a crisp finish which looped in off a defender and over a despairing Butland. The hunt for a clean sheet goes on. 2 mins later and it really is squeaky bum time, as a hopeful ball into the box is missed by everyone and Adomah bags another. I really don’t understand how the ball got to him, it never seemed to go above head height and one, if not two, of our players simply allowed it to pass them.
This woke the fans (and players) up though. All of a sudden, there was a game on. You could see the players putting in a shift, desperate not to give Boro anything. Why does it need them to score for us to do this? Including injury time, it was 10 mins of hanging on, though Boro only had one chance in that time, when the ref allowed a blatant push to go unpunished (to be fair, he’d given us everything else: see earlier comment re: luck) and that player’s knockdown was put wide from 6 yards. Phew.
*** O’Grady. Held the ball up, time and again he put himself between their player and the ball and used his strength well. Notched two, though neither were goal of the season contenders – a penalty and a ball that hit him. Sponsors MOTM.
** M’Voto. Won everything in the air against million pound man Jukowicz (sp?). And he had to win a lot, as Boro launched it almost as much as Washday do, 1st half.
* Crainie. Along with M’Voto, shut the door on the Boro attack.
Away: 2200.
Despatches:
Butland was again magnificent, yet proof magnificent is never enough in our goal was in conceding another 2. I thought Kennedy was decent, till the last 15 when Boro hit on this amazing idea of giving their terrific wingers the ball – after that, they tore us to pieces on both flanks. O’Brien did well, till he found himself at right back. The rest were a bit crap, actually.
Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I was ambling towards t’Well wondering this. As it’s 20 odd years since I lived in the north-east, can I really carry on despising a team (Boro) whose fans I never see anymore? Well, on encountering a few of the Smoggies (Smog Monsters) near the ground, I can quite categorically say ‘YES’. Ever masters of supreme irony, their drunken strains of ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ sounds even worse when they’ve yet to even get in the stadium. Listen lads, if you wanna leave, the train station’s BEHIND you. And do you really intend to sing ‘MiddlesBORE, MiddlesBORE’. Too bl**dy true. Still, we had the joys of a Boro fan in our midst on the train. Number of mentions of not seeing ‘Kes’ in Barnsley: four. Number of allusions to raping women: three
Drink du jour: JD and DC (Diet coke). 2 litres of JD between 5 (and Gerry) = very drunk. So naturally me, Andy and Slacki went to Caminos once we got back, where I vaguely remember drinking something pink. Maybe the other 2 can confirm? I also cannot remember leaving Camino’s, or where I caught the bus from, but I do remember missing my stop. Again.
So, here it is, we’ve now won 2 games – and coincidentally against teams with former ‘star’ players…Hamill and Butterfield. Are there any other ex-players in this league? It might be our best chance of winning a 3rd game this season.
Come on you Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, 6 October 2013
QPR 2-0 Barnsley, Saturday 5th October 2013
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| Rangers' stadium - the 1st sighting |
Another part of me died yesterday. Having vowed not to attend if it's 30 quid or more...I found myself attending, paying 30 quid or more. And not one to do things by halves, I drank in an O'Neills. Twice. So losing was probably only the 3rd most depressing experience of my day.
As it was, how could I NOT go? Meeting up with the crew, including Salisbury and Phil who'd travelled up from Hampshire, it would've been rude of me to put my principles above their joy at my company. So, a couple of £4.40 Stellas and a massaman curry (£7.50 - bargain!) later, we left the Churchill Arms in Notting Hill Gate to grab a pint in Shepherd's Bush and 'savour the atmosphere'. O'Neills it was, then. Time for a pint and a leisurely walk to the stadium. So Gerry orders a burger and chips at 2:20pm and (to cut a story short) we crawl to the ground late. So I'm getting 80 mins for my 30 quid. (Mind, I half hoped we'd be losing by then so I could still turn around and spend my money in the pub).
Decent turnout too. With the £25 'silver' tickets sold, that was 360 fans straight away. Plus us odds and sods meant around 500+. Not bad if, like Andy, you were celebrating your 14th attempt at winning at QPR (sum total: one draw).
 |
| Midfield mediocrity |
2 things happened in the 1st half. Butland made an unbelievable save from a close range effort ('He's England's number 1') and we had a penalty shout turned down. Altho at the far end, it looked a penalty to me. The ball was pinging around inside their box and we laid the ball back for a player to strike it, only it hit the hand of their player and diverted away. Technically the denial of a goalscoring opportunity, our 1st and last as it was.
2nd half, the game continued as it had been. QPR showed little in attacking flair, forcing Salisbury to denounce how poor they were, while our midfield could barely put a touch together, let alone support O'Grady and Scotland in attack. But if you'd seen QPR's goals column this season, you'll see they've made a habit of nicking low scoring wins. They simply bore the opposition into submission. And in Charlie Austin they have a player who only needs one chance. We gave him two.
1-0 came from a corner. I actually missed it, as did our defence. As the corner was given, I thought I'd calmly sit down and watch the proceedings at the far end. I think our defence did the same. Unfortunately, QPR took a quick one, a well worked effort that ended with Austin firing home from the edge of the box (I'm told). Apparently Flitcroft had warned our players about Austin's attacking threat. Genius.
Now, I can handle losing at QPR. It's what we do. But what made me angry was that QPR had never looked like scoring, had never threatened our goal (aside from that early effort) and we weren't under constant pressure. QPR had bided their time and took their one opportunity.
Later, as their player headed towards the corner flag, he fell over under little pressure and the ref couldn't wait to award a penalty. Game over.
So there it was. As routine and perfunctory a victory as ever there was, with QPR breaking their record for consecutive clean sheets (could they have had it any easier?)
*** Crainie. Solid, solid as a rock. Then gave a penalty away, somehow.
2nd half, the game continued as it had been. QPR showed little in attacking flair, forcing Salisbury to denounce how poor they were, while our midfield could barely put a touch together, let alone support O'Grady and Scotland in attack. But if you'd seen QPR's goals column this season, you'll see they've made a habit of nicking low scoring wins. They simply bore the opposition into submission. And in Charlie Austin they have a player who only needs one chance. We gave him two.
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| THIS is what a 30 quid ticket looks like! |
1-0 came from a corner. I actually missed it, as did our defence. As the corner was given, I thought I'd calmly sit down and watch the proceedings at the far end. I think our defence did the same. Unfortunately, QPR took a quick one, a well worked effort that ended with Austin firing home from the edge of the box (I'm told). Apparently Flitcroft had warned our players about Austin's attacking threat. Genius.
Now, I can handle losing at QPR. It's what we do. But what made me angry was that QPR had never looked like scoring, had never threatened our goal (aside from that early effort) and we weren't under constant pressure. QPR had bided their time and took their one opportunity.
Later, as their player headed towards the corner flag, he fell over under little pressure and the ref couldn't wait to award a penalty. Game over.
So there it was. As routine and perfunctory a victory as ever there was, with QPR breaking their record for consecutive clean sheets (could they have had it any easier?)
*** Crainie. Solid, solid as a rock. Then gave a penalty away, somehow.
** Butland. Didn't have alot to do, but what he did, he did.
* Kennedy. Why not? That's how average the rest of them were.
(Actually, my real top 3 would be...
*** drinking till late with Andy and Selwood in Shepherd's Bush.
(Actually, my real top 3 would be...
*** drinking till late with Andy and Selwood in Shepherd's Bush.
** THAT massaman
* Andy mocking the queue outside Walkabout, which was closing down. 'Why are you queueing? It's rubbish!' '.......YOU'RE rubbish!' I've never seen an Aussie lost for words.)
Misc:
Has our season started, at last? Sir Bobby of Hassell makes his 1st appearance of the season. Flitcroft has tried everyone else and has to turn to our own caped crusader when Ramage has to leave the field to general indifference. Sadly, Superman wasn't able to rouse us to victory, yet. But he did get the fans going.
Misc:
Has our season started, at last? Sir Bobby of Hassell makes his 1st appearance of the season. Flitcroft has tried everyone else and has to turn to our own caped crusader when Ramage has to leave the field to general indifference. Sadly, Superman wasn't able to rouse us to victory, yet. But he did get the fans going.
Gerry brought me a few Chronicles and I read an early season interview with O'Brien. Apparently we shouldn't worry that we've changed our pressing game, despite 'having 3 of the best pressers of a ball in Dawson, Perkins and Etuhu'. Which I found odd. I was quite enjoying a high tempo pressing game last season which usually ended in victory rather than defeat. Instead, what I get is death by a 1000 cuts that is watching Mellis, McCourt, Fox, etc etc. Just give me a bit of pace and effort!
Do I even need to say Mellis STROLLED through another match? I feel I do - otherwise you'd be disappointed at my lack of predictability. The quickest he moved all day was when he was subbed. (How many times have I written THAT in a report!?). And the 'Derry Pele'. My God. He's like an unfit O'Brien. Didn't take a player on until injury time and was probably only still on the park cos we'd made our 3 subs. Liked to hog the touchline, which would've been great had he been given the ball. Instead it took another player out of our midfield and as I said, one of the others was Mellis. Christ on a bike. Cwyka looked good when he came on, mind.
Equally, thank god Flitcroft is attempting to do something about our appalling defensive record. We now have an England goalkeeper, and a centre half and defensive midfield player from Premiership clubs. Has it stopped the goals going in? Not really. Perhaps it's the new STYLE of football (style??) we're playing, as well as the characters attempting to play it, who're at fault. F*** me, I'd rather go down fighting playing the likes of Hassell, Dagnall, Dawson, O'Brien, Perkins,O'Grady etc etc etc
Angry of Peckham.
Oh, and yes I did fall asleep on the bus home. Even when it's a London game I can't manage the simplistics of life. 'New Cross' is the answer to your question this time.
Do I even need to say Mellis STROLLED through another match? I feel I do - otherwise you'd be disappointed at my lack of predictability. The quickest he moved all day was when he was subbed. (How many times have I written THAT in a report!?). And the 'Derry Pele'. My God. He's like an unfit O'Brien. Didn't take a player on until injury time and was probably only still on the park cos we'd made our 3 subs. Liked to hog the touchline, which would've been great had he been given the ball. Instead it took another player out of our midfield and as I said, one of the others was Mellis. Christ on a bike. Cwyka looked good when he came on, mind.
Equally, thank god Flitcroft is attempting to do something about our appalling defensive record. We now have an England goalkeeper, and a centre half and defensive midfield player from Premiership clubs. Has it stopped the goals going in? Not really. Perhaps it's the new STYLE of football (style??) we're playing, as well as the characters attempting to play it, who're at fault. F*** me, I'd rather go down fighting playing the likes of Hassell, Dagnall, Dawson, O'Brien, Perkins,O'Grady etc etc etc
Angry of Peckham.
Oh, and yes I did fall asleep on the bus home. Even when it's a London game I can't manage the simplistics of life. 'New Cross' is the answer to your question this time.
A
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