Barnsley 2-0 Crewe Alexandra, Saturday 21st February 2015

‘Klean Kut Krew Kut Krewe Krew’ (KKKKKK)

A beautiful day for it.

I know many of the customers of BFC (Ltd) were unhappy last week, having been beaten by five goals to one by Crawley Baggage Handlers.  But it’s ok.  Caretaker manager Burton criticised the players, noted how some simply gave up - then promptly picked them again.  So it was, MOTM last week Holgate was binned, as was non-striking on-loan striker Waring (fair enough).  As was NOT ‘Galactico’ (AKA Hourihane, AKA ‘Boorihane’), nor Lewin Nyatanga, whose performance last week was the personification of ‘not giving a s***’.  Or Leroy Lita.  Jesus Christ.  I’d rather not enter a stadium f***ing angry, but there it was.

It was s***.  I have enjoyed precisely ONE home game this season (Bradford, 3-1) and, as Andy was quick to remind me, I could have stayed in London and watched it on Sky.  Actually, now I think about it, I didn’t even enjoy that – how can I get hammered on a Sunday, when I have responsibilities come Monday morn?

The (proper) Crewe Crew.  313 of them.

So, the Crewe Crew.  Holgate dropped, Crainie switched to right back, M’Voto in at centre half with Lewin, Smith given another run at left back.  And Galactico being given a run out at right mid as we go defensive centre (Pearson, Bailey) at home to 17^th placed Crewe, with Scowen left mid.  Don’t worry, Lita and Hemmings will bang them in at the other end.  Christ.  (Have I blasphemed enough yet?)

Half time, 0-0.  If I said f*** all happened, I’d be doing f*** all an injustice.  I’m sure Burton said something about the side being fired up to put last week right.  Boll*cks.  Boorihane is given the heave-ho at half time.  F*** him.  Don’t we have a reserve team to stick him in for a few weeks?  (No.)  Oh, I tell a lie, something DID happen, 1^st half.  A long ball over the top of Nyatanga (GRRRRRRR) leaves their bloke clean through and reserve keeper Davies saves a one-on-one.  Why is Lewin Nyatanga in my team?  Why is Mason Holgate not?  I honestly have NO IDEA.

Camera gantry and Metrodome.

Galactico is taken off.  We have a new signing, a winger from Blackburn who is like a slimmer (!) version of what Jennings used to be; he (tries to) take a player on, he tracks back when he loses it.  He’s not great , but he’s a damn sight better than what we have seen in ‘attack’.  He dribbles the ball out of play 3 times in the 1^st 4 second half minutes, which at least shows that the rest of the side were under instruction to give him the ball.  After 20 mins, without a Boorihane unable to hit the 1^st defender off a dead ball, Scowan lugs a decent centre in for Nyatanga to head home.  Selection justified?  (No.)  The goal is met with general indifference.  I am not kidding.  This is a terrible game.

Crewe refuse to try and score an equaliser.  Decent of them.  They are the latest in a short list of awful teams we have beaten in the last few months (Leyton O, Yeovil).  Crewe manager and ex-Red Steve Davis will apparently do anything to prevent being considered for our poisoned chalice.  No danger, we have extreme nationalist Paulo Di Canio (AKA ‘D.I.Wankio’) lined up.  I can’t wait.

Bloody sunny, bloody cold.  How does that work?

Oh, we score a 2^nd.  I have no idea what happened.  Another corner, the keeper (possibly) fists the ball in the air, Crainie stares at it on the way down and the keeper then punches it into his own net.  Quite, quite bizarre and not quite the way sub keeper Rachubka wished to mark his debut having come on as sub for the injured Garratt.  As I said, the luck was with us.

*** M’Voto.  Won headers and could have broken their guy had their man dared to get in the way of one tackle. He didn’t.

** O’Sullivan.  I s’pose it’d be unfair to give it him for ‘not being Hourihane’ but he did come on, look keen, tried to make things happen.  Like Pearson in his 1^st game.  Opening day at work syndrome?

* Davies. Saved a one-on-one, catched stuff and kicked fine.  Perfection, without having much to do.

Londontykes top 3:

1. Scowen

2. M'Voto

3. Pearson

Offical MotM: Bailey.  Looked a world beater after 5 mins.  Repeatedly won the ball then gave it away thereafter.

Mansford's right.  Even the season ticketholders aren't turning up.

Despatches:
I hope this win doesn’t make for positive management.  In a division where everyone’s much of a muchness, we got lucky (home advantage?)  Awful game.  Can there be a worse forward line than Lita and Hemmings?  (Yes; Lita and Waring)  Luckily, Waring only got 25 minutes.  But how does Lita get a game?  If he’d never scored a pile of goals for someone else years ago, he’d never get a sniff of our 1^st team.  He is RUBBISH.  Certainly worse than Danny Rose, a youngster with potential now learning his trade elsewhere.  Or Oates, who came on in injury time and had more shots on target (one) than every other forward combined in ninety (zero)  We now have an oldster eking out one last pay day before he’s put out to pasture.  (Sorry, being PAID while he’s at pasture.)  Scowen showed promise, good pace, willingness to put a tackle in – but he’s not a wide midfielder.  Do we have a manager?  (No.)  Smith again looked good.  He’ll be out next week, then.

Drink du jour:  JD and coke.  Slack junior insisted.  Dad didn’t disagree.

Crowd: 8,635 (away 313)  

ps, talking of a new manager, and I know I'm sat watching The Championship, but if we cam limp to the end of the season, how about Brentford's Mark Warburton, let go at season's end for doing a fabulous job?  Though I'm not sure we'd be able to get used to the Super Reds attacking at pace...

Home time!

Seville 1-0 Borussia Mönchengladbach, Europa League, Thursday 19th February 2015

Seville 1-0 Borussia Mönchengladbach, att 26,850

Welcome to the ....

Another week, another foreign match, another lesson learnt.  Even when under no doubt that the match won’t be a sellout, if you’re there a day or so early, go and make the effort buy a ticket in advance.    Or you know what happens – no tickets to be sold on the day of the game.  ‘Security concerns’.  Something about trouble in an earlier European  game, apparently.  Obviously, ‘security concerns’ doesn’t include the anger of fans without tickets, touts selling to all and sundry…

View from the car park

So, yes, I rocked up a few hours before kick-off (beat the rush and all) only to find there was no rush.  No, I can’t have a ticket.  ‘Could I have bought a ticket if I’d come yesterday?’  ‘Yes.’  Dammit.  I’d been given the remit of a) getting tickets and b) preferably in the away end (my other half has a soft spot for Gladbach) and I’d failed on both.  A long way to come for no match, especially when we chose our break based on who was at home in the Europa League ‘Round of 16’.  Beers in Brussels was a goer, though the thought of February sun in Seville won through.

You climb here at your peril

It’d been the correct decision too, till then.   The Alcazar, Italica, a bullring (the 2^nd oldest in Spain), flamenco, cheap red wine, amazing tapas…Seville has it all.  Even a very big cathedral, if that’s your bag.  So I mused, what to do about a ticket.  Wandering away from the stadium I was immediately accosted by an elderly tout.  Old, but not senile.   His English wasn’t great but his younger mate had a phone in which he typed the asking price.  €100 for one, which rapidly dropped to €80.  ‘How much for two?’  €140.  I offered €120.  He laughed.  I wasn’t going higher than that.

It's seen better days

So I walked to some bars around the corner and went inside to ask various Gladbach fans if they had any spare tickets. No, sadly not, so I went back to the stadium and sat on some steps contemplating my next move.  I could see various Spanish touts operating and they all looked like they were part of the same gang.  Then, right before me, I heard an Irish guy ask a Gladbach fan if he had a spare. He did, or his mate did, and while said mate asked for €60 and started getting the tickets out, he was pounced on by 2 blokes in dark clothing, roughing him up and padding him down.  I wondered if they were ‘rival’ touts, but when they carted him off, it was obvious they were undercover police.  Happy to ignore the blatant Spanish touting, but only too keen to jump on a Gladbach fan with spares.  Anyone would think there were backhanders going on…

I still love its look

20 mins later I saw said German return and I approached him and told him I’d seen what had happened and did he have any spare tickets. The police had taken the half a dozen he had off him, but he thought his mates in the pub had more. Seemed some fans had dropped out of coming and they had a few to be rid of. We retired to the bar, he spoke to his mates about what amount of money to ask for now they’d lost some tickets and I gave them an offer they couldn’t refuse. €150.  Outrageous, but I’d rather be subsidizing fellow fans than adding to the coffers of some greasy fat Spanish tout.  (There was one who befitted this description; I’m trying to get him out of my mind.)

Come on Gladbach!

Having bought me a beer, I then had to get back into town to meet up with the other half.  So we had a German beer (Paulaner) and got into the role of Gladbach sympathisers.  Then it was off to the stadium, a 20 minute walk down the same street our hotel was in.  Easy.
The stadium is magnificent, if showing its age slightly.  Chipped concrete, peeling paint, that kind of thing. But the famous mural on one side of the stadium makes up for it.  Tis a beautiful thing.  The stadium is one big bowl, with a small roof on one side to protect rich locals from the sun.  But the steep stands keep the noise in and when the locals all start waving their scarves around their heads  it’s a sight to behold.   The crowd looked bigger than the official 26,850 but it was a decent atmosphere, especially with 3000+ Germans in the corner.

Here's a clever place to stand.  (I got his boss to move him.)

The match was open, though neither team ever seemed able to thread that final pass, however unmarked fellow team members were.  I just got the impression that if either side were prepared to risk things a bit more, they’d walk away with the game.  Then, just as we were prepared for a goalless draw, Iborra, an awkward looking midfielder who looked more suited to centre half, scored.  Seville attacked down the right and the winger pulled the ball back for Iborra to mishit a bobbler which crept into the far corner.  1-0, game over.
Overall, I’d highly recommend a trip to Seville and the Estadio Ramon Sanchez Pizjuan.  I’d love to come back to Seville one day.  After all, there’s still Betis to see!

The Damage:
€150 2 tickets
€1.50 water
€10 scarf
€4 mug
= €165.50

On a stadium tip...the amphitheatre at Italica

On a stadium tip...the bullring in Seville (2nd oldest in Spain).

Gladbach fans pre-match

Stadium plan

They do like a bit of ceramic in Seville

Pre-match scarfer

Crawley Town 5-1 Barnsley, Saturday 14th February 2015

‘plus ça change’ 

Welcome to Crawley!

The more things change, the more they remain the same.  Directionless under Wilson, now absolutely rudderless under his minions Burton and Heckingbottom (a new comedy duo?)  According to Chief Exec Mansford, we’ve despatched with Wilson with half an eye on season tickets for next season.  Well, I’d be more concerned about what division we’re in as we slumped to a 7^th away defeat in a row, mauled by a side beaten by 5 at home to Doncaster in midweek.  It wasn’t pretty, as Reds fans cheered Crawley’s 5^th, chants of ‘you’re not fit to wear the shirt’ and many leaving 59 minutes in (3-0).  Yet it all looked so easy.

Don't be fooled, Crawley's not all concrete

For 40 minutes there was only one team in it – us.  Of course, those 40 minutes barely registered a chance, as the closest we got to scoring was a Holgate flick from a corner, superbly tipped onto the bar by the keeper.  Still, no rush – there’s an entire half to look forward to.  According to Burton ‘We restricted them to hardly nothing’.  Great, we’ve employed someone who can’t even speak English proper.  Still, at least he admitted ‘3 or 4 threw the towel in’.  If only he’d been brave enough beforehand to make a few changes; instead, it was virtually an unchanged line up, save for Holgate’s return.

Londontyke legend 'Ooh Gerry Gerry'.  Hair colour: unknown.

1-0 A punt down the middle in 1^st half injury time is flicked on (are you reading this Waring?) and the centre halves watch as McLeod runs past them to lob over a stranded Turnbull.  How many times has Turnbull been lobbed this season?  He’s no Manuel Neuer.

2-0 A beautiful inswinging free kick gives the defence and keeper the sh*ts.  Everyone misses it, Turnbull parries and the rebound is most definitely not picked up by anything in a Barnsley shirt.

3-0 Identical free kick, this time headed home.  ‘To be fair’ (as Danny would’ve said) they were great free kicks.  If I was the defender who gave the 2nd free kick away, I might have learnt from what happened after the 1^st one and wouldn’t.  59 minutes gone and time for Selwood, Norris and Molly to leave.

3-1 Inspired substitutions (ho ho) as everyone’s favourite, Hemmings, comes on and bags a close range header after Oates wins it in the air (are you reading this, Waring?)

4-1 Normal service resumes. Nyatanga somehow gives the ball away on the edge of our box and the early shot completely flummoxes a hapless Turnbull who palms it in.  How many times has Turnbull done THAT this season?  (Dunno, but he did it last week at Swindon).

5-1 Scowan gives it away on the halfway line but can’t catch a bloke who has to control a ball and run at the same time.

Next match...last Tuesday.

*** Holgate.  Welcome back Mason.  I’m sorry you missed your chance to go in January.

** Smith.  We concede 5 and I make our fullbacks the best players. What does THAT say about the centre halves and keeper?  Bizarrely taken off to make way for M’Voto at centre half and Nyatanga switched to left back.

* I have no idea.  Hemmings. He bagged.  And cos everyone keeps telling me he’s s***.  (What, worse than anyone else we have up front?)  His goalscoring record is certainly better than Lita, Waring, etc etc
Londontykes top 3:
1. Holgate
2. Scowen

3. Pearson

My view.  I wish that post had been wider.

Despatches:
Nyatanga had a ‘mare.  Was he deliberately shifted to left back so that he had to run the gauntlet of Reds fans?  (Sample line: ‘Nyatanga!  Tek that f***ing shirt off.  You’re a disgrace.’)  There’s just no way he was moved out cos Smith was having a poor game.  Waring.  Why?  Is Rhys Oates REALLY that bad that we’d rather give this Stoke plodder a game ahead of him?  Lita was given a runout and even managed a few touches before being dragged off.  Hourihane had the kind of game he’s been having since the start of October.  Undroppable.  Scowan seems to be a new favourite but I haven’t seen anything in him.  Running back after giving the ball away is the LEAST I expect, that’s not ‘a good effort’.  He still failed.

It really was abysmal.  So much so we’re being offered our money back.  I went thinking we might never play at the Checkatrade.com Stadium (!) ever again, but after that performance, I’m not so sure.  They’re going down – what’s to say we’re not?

That Big Top feeling.  Welcome to the BFC circus.

At least it was a decent pre-match effort, as attendance at the Brewery Shades was top notch.  Lots of real ale on tap, followed by a taxi to the ground. Handily, we got a bus back from outside the away end for a quick getaway.  Oh, and Crawley even had their own old-skool programme shack, selling plenty of old Barnsley home and away progs. Will I come to regret not buying that Wartime Cup programme v Chesterfield in 1945?

Drink du jour: Kronenburg for me, Sliding Tackle or somesuch for the bitterers.

Crowd: 2,296 (425 away, Burton told me so).  I was looking forward to standing on a terrace, but instead we were herded into some temporary seating with a sort of ‘Big Top’ roof.  Perfect for the circus we were about to witness.

Welcome to the Checkatrade.com Stadium.  I kid you not.

Canny business, the breezeblock trade.

Away turnstyles

Home end.  Literally dozens of 'em.

Sexy L shaped cover (repeated at home end)

Can it get any worse?  (Yes).

Are they 40 watt bulbs or 60?

Charlton Athletic 2-3 Norwich City, Tuesday 10th February 2015

'Would you like to go and see game tomorrow night', says my beloved.  Not 'arf.  It's not often I get an offer like this.  The only catch is it's Charlton v Norwich.  Come on you Canaries!  And the chance to get a bus direct from home to The Valley.  I can't even get a bus direct to my local non-league side.  Easy life!

This is what a £28 view looks like.

Having checked on the website, it's 'only' £26.  This has increased to £28 by the time I reach the ground. Luckily, I'm being 'treated'.  Even better, cos of the walkway halfway up the away stand, and a shallow rake of seats behind, we can only see half of the near goal from the back of the stand. Let's hope there's no action at this end.

Charlton are appalling.  I've seen Aston Villa...Barnsley...Leyton Orient...and Charlton must be the worst I've seen this season.  For 60 minutes they cannot put more than two passes together without losing it. It happens time and time again, as the ball is simply given back to Norwich, who start a patient build up from defence.  It is so tedious it's like a training exercise.

and yet we chose seats with a 'better' view!

Charlton last 14 minutes before my view of the net in front of me is put to the test.  The shot is arrowed into the bottom corner, but I only know it's a goal cos I see the ripple of the net.  I later leave for a HT p*** and pie and still get back to see Norwich break away in injury time and Grabban lob the keeper. At least the ball had the good grace to bounce, so I could see it go in.  This could turn into 5 or 6.

Up the Addicks!

2nd half, same old, same old.  Norwich casually throw away chances, it's that easy...then Charlton throw on a sub (Tony Watt) who, despite (cos of?) his size dribbles through people.  One attack, a flick and he's clean through. 2-1.  A few minutes later it was two-all.  Unbelieveable.  Ruddy saves and the rebound falls nicely.  Charlton then made the mistake of fancying themselves and it was no surprise that Norwich nicked it, a tremendous header from Jerome at the far end.

It was an interesting game, and I do like a trip to The Valley, but I really wasn't impressed at £28 for a Tuesday night.  Charlton's next game is their annual 'fiver to see the northern oiks' (Huddersfield this year).  Sadly, I'm otherwise engaged.

Damage:
28 entry
3 programme
3.50 pie

The teams are paraded

The _ _ _ _ EY

But there's no mistaking 'CAFC'

Victoire!  Victoire!

Swindon Town 2-0 Barnsley, Saturday 7th February 2015

"My grapes are like rhubarb."

Welcome to Swindon!

I can't really disagree with Andy's concise version of events.  We entered the game with the minimum of ambition and the game plan lasted all of 14 minutes before they scored and ended any hope we had. Thereafter, it was damage limitation as we chased shadows, Turnbull saved a penalty and a one-on-one and the closest we came to a goal was a 4 on 1 break which we completely ballsed up.

*** No-one
** Turnbull - see above
* No-one

Londontykes top 3:
1. Turnbull
2. No-one
3. M'Voto

One satisfied customer...

Despatches:
Waring - he's cack.  Can't win a header,or hold a ball up (apart from when I'm not looking - Andy couldn't wait to point out something useful he did, but I was texting Salisbury at the time).  And the one time a peach of a cross was delivered into the box (from Smith) he was nowhere to be seen.  I must see a different player to the rest of you (and Danny Wilson).  As Andy said, new superstar Scowan was so invisible he could have been mistaken for Berry, the man he's replaced. Indeed, I didn't know he was playing till I noticed his number, 70 minutes in.  Digby really was appalling, so much so he got dragged off at half time.  So much for giving him a run of games - we can't even trust to give him 90 minutes.  At least Wilson finally benched Hourihane but then brought him on for 45 anonymous minutes of his own.  When we had the 4 on 1 break, thanks to a misplaced Swindon pass, I presume it was Conor who elected to cut inside and hit it with his left off the defender, rather than pass it to any of the THREE other Reds players who'd have been clean through? Lalkovic again looked our most likely attacker, so again was dragged off.  Did I mention Jennings came on?  You'd never have known.  Smith was this week given a runout in midfield. How's he ever gonna learn to be a fullback at this rate?

A rabbit died for that hat.  True.

The vocal element were in no doubt as to our downfall, chanting "4-4-2, 4-4-2" at Wilson. Seemingly, 8-1-1 is not a formation which offered much chance of a goal.  Mind, Swindon are the best side I've seen this season (home and away) and perhaps 'having a go' might have resulted in us losing by 5 or 6.  Then what?  Sam Winnall was also more popular than ever, by dint of never even getting on the pitch.  The more matches he misses, the better he becomes.  He'll be the new Marco Van Basten by April.

Oh yes, the goals.  Swindon took a short corner and their player waltzed past Digby and Smith before pulling it back for it to be hammered in. Oats so simple.  Then Digby chops their bloke in the box, but Turnbull pulls off the save (highlight of the match) before, late on, spilling a 20 yarder into the net. Shame, he was the one player keeping us in it.

I once sat here, in the away end.

Drink du jour: Lager lager lager.  Started at the Gluepot, then a cheeky Franziskaner (wheat beer) at the Jury's Inn on the way to the ground.  Bit of a result that.  Then back to the pub at the railway station, to ignore the rugby, before a can or 2 on the way home.  And yes, despite dashing home once at Paddington, I fell asleep on the bus and ended up at New Cross.  What do you call that sleeping disease?  Opposite of insomnia?  Anyway, I've got it. BUS NARCOLEPSY!  Summat like that.

Away: c.300  Good to see Stu be allowed a runout, as well as Loko, popping in on the way back from the Wales-England rugby. I wonder which he enjoyed more!?

Damage: 
30 quids train fare. Robbed.
25 quids entry.  Robbed.

I once sat here, in the away end.

I once stood here, in the away end.

Game over.

Barnsley 2-1 Port Vale, Saturday 31st January 2015

'They should build a subway frum t'bus station t'Oakwell'

Legendary alehouse 'Groggers Rest', soon to be demolished.

Cold and s***.  And we won.  For a club that always claims how unlucky it is, the luck certainly went with us today as we win with an own goal and a deflection, while the ref ignores Pearson kicking one of theirs in the head late on in our box, despite it being right in front of him.  And all that is to ignore how Port Vale ran the 2nd half after we scored.

During the 1st half, absolutely nothing happened, save for an injury to one of their players.  (Not sure what happened, but it led to 7 minutes of injury time).  Said player eventually got up and ran about, to predictable boos.  Were we booing that he was alive?  Would we have preferred it to be something a little more...serious?  Anyway, during that injury time, Lalkovic skins a player down the left, drives into the box and hits it across the goal. I thought it went in off a defender, but TV replays show the keeper somehow catching it then pushing it over the line.  He'd overestimated Lalkovic's ability to pull a ball back and strayed a yard off his line.

335 all-ticketed Valiants

Then, about a minute into the second period, Pearson makes a run from his own half. Their players back off and back off, expecting the pass.  Pearson continues toward goal and eventually, edge of the box, he has no choice - he HAS to shoot.  He 'hits' it (not very hard) and a lucky deflection takes it over the keeper.  Frank Lampard at his best. Great goal and Pearson deserved every bit of fortune. Now, let's sit in our own half for 44 minutes and maybe catch Vale on the break.

If only we MEANT such tactics.  But that's how it turned out.  Vale pulled a goal back when a looping cross from Carl Dickenson (remember him?) found an unmarked Daniel on the back post. I'd have liked to see Turnbull come out and claim, but he was too busy looking at the centre half and Valiant in front of him.

We had 34 minutes to hang on, which I thought we did quite comfortably, considering.  Or was I too cold to worry?  I know I only had cause to be animated twice; once in injury time when we attempted to waste time off a corner, lost the ball (who'd have seen THAT coming?) and Vale ran down the pitch while we had several players out of position.  And a little earlier, when Winnall (welcome back!) delayed a pass to Hourihane on the overlap until he was offside. That would've put him clean through.

The Ponty

*** Our 4 man central defence ruled (despite a couple of dodgy M'Voto moments).  I'm giving it to Ramage (welcome back).

** Crainie.  Solid at right back.

* Nyatanga. Solid at left back.

Londontykes top 3:
1. Pearson
2. Crainie
3. Lalkovic

Despatches:
Sponsors' MOTM was Waring.  Ironic?  Family friend?  Either way, you could some up George's performance as 's***, but not as s*** as he has been'.  I did actually see him win a header and twice he held a ball up and laid it off to one of his own team.  Otherwise, he didn't.  Hemmings was rubbish, and a cheer went up when he was taken off. Or was it cos Winnall was back?  Hourihane had his usual game while Pearson had his moments.  I imagine we'd have lost were Berry in for him.

We have a winner!

I suppose the main highlight was the return of Sam Winnall (Sam Winnall).  Certainly the Ponty thought so, it was the only time they made any noise, as he was about to be brought on as sub after 3 months out.  It took him less than 20 seconds to lose the ball.  He's still got it.  Thankfully we were in a promising position and he had an easy (forward) ball to an unmarked Red.  I know, I know - I'm too harsh.  At least he actually gets the ball, unlike Hemmings and Waring, who're more comedy duo than deadly duo.

Today's game was also all-ticket, presumably a knock-on effect of the trouble at Port Vale.  Rumour has it we don't just top division 3 in terms of arrests this season, we top the ENTIRE LEAGUE. Can this possibly be true? Makes one proud...

Drink du jour: vodka and orange.

Damage:
£28 train

Away: 335

Home time!