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| The leafy 'burbs near the ground |
'What an amazing e-mail! I did enjoy my totally on time Tianjin to Shanghai train journey at 302km/h last week for what it's worth, and no you haven't insulted me. I just love you more!' (Dr N, Shanghai)
'To be honest, I think you were being quite reasonable and you didn't really adequately explain how f*cking awful it was.' (PW) - I will publish PW's match report in full underneath mine.
'Geordie, you have summed up how I felt yesterday.' (PN)
'Lightweight' (AM)
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| Welcome to ...... |
Can I say now, I will probably insult you if either:
you support Barnsley, live abroad, vote Tory or believe in a higher state of consciousness (not Josh Wink). Or think the Foo Fighters are anything worth listening to. So don't bother f***ing moaning. Just f*** off and don't bother reading the below. No, really. I have had enough. Enough of you people. Enough of BFC. Enough of Little Lee. Honestly, I'm upset.
Dear Northern Rail
You useless set of cnuts. I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that. You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry). Do you have any pride in what you do? How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?
Dear BFC
You useless set of cnuts. I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that. You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry). Do you have any pride in what you do? How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?
Dear Little Lee
You useless little cnut. I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that. You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry). Do you have any pride in what you do? How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?
Never (NEVER) have I been more embarrassed than events this afternoon. In
36 years of supporting the Super (Super) Reds I have never….NEVER seen us
beaten by a non-league side. Never. I understand it
happened in the 70s. Not once, but twice. But we were in division
4. FOUR. We have now lost to a part time team (PART
F***ING TIME). Jesus, this cannot reiterate how embarrassing this
is. Like Little Lee F**ing Johnson showing me how to teach Year 11s
(5thyear to you) how to answer a f***ing essay question on why the
Nazis didn’t take control of Germany till the 1930s. (I deliberately
chose an easy one there). My employ will simply NOT TAKE IT that my kids
cannot understand how Adolf wound up as Chancellor of Germany, just as I simply
CANNOT TAKE Little Lee’s inability to teach the players of MY F***ING FOOTBALL
TEAM ANYTHING. F***. It’s not like his dad used to be
a football manager or owt, and he could teach him a thing or 2. F***.
THIS LITTLE NEWMARKET PR*CK OF A JOCKEY simply has no idea about
football. No idea. None, zilch, zero…et f***ing cetera.
Luckily, I’m in the minority. I only said he should go BEFORE
today. Now, EVERYONE wants to join my bandwagon. Well, you can
f.off. There's no room in this Hanson cab of mine. I’m with
D.Selwood esquire (not really), who thinks we’re sacking too many managers,
sacking another one is the easy option and no, it doesn’t matter how many we
lose in a row (7 in the league and counting) we cannot go down this route
again…and again…etc)
(Note: that conversation took place on the train UP. What Monsieur
Selwood now thinks has not been recorded. Partly due to Tory administrated rail
services which conspired to split us up for the journey back.) Is this
what a broken record sounds like? (Surely a broken record has no
sound????? Or it's like listening to the entire Foo Fighters back
catalogue. F***ing appalling. If they were a football team, they'd
be....etc)
We do like every game, knock it around pointlessly till we concede, then try and grab a goal despite obviously having no idea how to pass a ball FORWARDS.
Any other report on our match is simply verbage. (Loko - look it up here: https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=verbage)
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| The main event |
*** Scowen. Recipient of 1st half chant ‘one man, we’ve only got one man’. Why does he play for us? Runs forward, tackles, tracks back, passes to teammates. Won't be here by February, if he has an agent worth his salt. Highlight of my day: Josh is about to take a corner (down by where we’re stood). I shout ‘Josh, don’t pass it to a Barnsley player’. He turns and smiles. He shares my pain. He knows.
** If I was generous, I’d say Smith. Or the Soton loan bloke who came on as sub when Josh got laid out. But I’m not. Nobody.
* If I was generous, I’d say the Soton loan bloke (Isgrove?). Came on for Josh, looked fabulous (for 10 minutes) then disappeared. Missed a one-on-one. (two? I dunno who drilled that volley wide from inside the box…the one that looked easier to get on target than not….but we managed NOT) (for the record, that other miss turned out to be Wilkinson, a centre forward so poor that I question the sanity of anyone who would sign him. Hello, Little Lee?)
*NO-ONE. Barnsley FC – you are a DISGRACE.
Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Scowen
2. No-one
2. No-one
3. G. Smith
Despatches:
Seriously, I need to move house. I am unfortunate enough to come across
believers every day in my work place, so to come across these deluded set
of….ok, calm down. Am I not as deluded? Off to worship at the temple of
BFC…(‘theatre of screams’ ©Andy Reed) You know what? No, I’m not as
deluded, cos I don’t look at BFC as anything other than s***. All that
surprises is the level of …. |
| A bunch of middle aged blokes attempt to hide their embarrassment |
Don’t bother with the stats. We had 60%+ possession, we had more shots than them, we had more on target than them (inc, blocks…a technicality wot helps with the rant)…F*** THAT. We never (EVER) looked like scoring. Against a part time non-league team. (Did I mention they were part time?)
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
F***. F***ing f*** f*** f***. Can any of us IMAGINE what it’s like to be WORSE AT OUR JOB than someone who does something else AS WELL. (OK, easier for some of us to imagine, but still). F***. It is CRIMINAL. Absolutely f***ing CRIMINAL. Other people have ANOTHER JOB and yet can STILL BE BETTER THAN US AT FOOTBALL.
And Altrincham aren’t even challenging for promotion from the (old) Conference. Challenging for relegation, yes. (RE-LE-F***ING-GATION) You absolute set of clowns, BFC. Clowns. F***ING CLOWNS. I’m sorry. It’s 3am, (actually 4. it takes time to craft a piece as eloquent as this) and I could calm down/sober up, but WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT??? He’s a cnut, the team are cnuts, we’re a set of cnuts. Christ. I thought I was reaching a nadir at 7:50am, waiting for a bus in Peckham, when godbotherers were trying to convince me about a higher state of being. I knew it would be a testing day when my first words to the outside world (ie to a 70 odd year old woman and her mate) were ‘I’m trying really hard to be polite but…….’
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| Alty celebrate scoring |
Apologies. There was a match. If you wish to avoid the nitty-gritty, it can be summed up in the variety of chants:
(us)
‘You’re nothing special, we lose every week’
'How s*** must you be, it’s only one-nil;’
(them)
‘We can’t believe that you’re league one…can’t believe that….’ (us neither; wait till next season)
In terms of degrees of awfulness, Maris showed why this will be his 1st and last BFC game (struggling around midfield. I thought he was a forward? Lee Bl**dy Johnson???). Roberts showed he's not even Conference standard by being taken off against this bunch. (How BAD do you have to be to be taken off in THIS TEAM? And a defender too.) Talk about 'deja vous all over again' (Shaka Hislop). If I hadn't seen a defensive midfielder (Pearson this time, not Digby) lose the ball somewhere near the halfway line, followed by the attacker running 50 yards and rounding a statuesque Roberts...then I never saw Fleetwood home the other week. Mawson began defensive midfield (Little Lee: you are a tactical genius) before slotting back to where Roberts was before he was put out of his misery). Smith (George) looked alright. Perhaps his mistake was in giving a s***. In terms of underachiever of the match, only 2 come close, depending on your perspective. Pearson, obvs, cos we know he's a class act. He was s***. And Winnall - if you're one of these people who vaguely rates him. It's not often you can get the Londontykes to agree on summat (unless it involves me - tw*ts) but to see Winnall turn a defender, have 2 yards head start into the box and then blatantly dive and berate the officials was one embarrassment too far. He's becoming a parody of himself. Moaning cheating, diving get. Go on 'Super Sammy' - sue me. Oh, and for most of the 2nd half (Little Lee got all desperate and threw on 3 subs at once. LL - you are a a tactical genius), we saw the welcome return (!) of Conor Hourihane. So he can share some of our nadir too.
Oh yeah, Scowen got crocked and our hopes got carried off with him. A non-league team causes an upset and you think it must've been a real backs to the wall performance...but it wasn't. Altrincham came under barely any pressure. I cannot wait for the excuses to come out of Oakwell.
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| Storm clouds gather over the away end |
Drink du jour: JD and coke. And what with losing Dave at Stockport, me and Andy had 2 bottles, but we were sensible and only downed one.
Crowd: 2 and a half thou, with 836 reds. Pathetic – from us. More irritatingly, we were joined in Altrincham station on the way back by ManUre c***s and on the train back to London by more ManUre c***s. I have less respect for them than I do for myself.
The Damage:
15 ent
36.60 train
3 programme
= 54.60
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| Even God was p***ing on our chances by now. |
To be honest, I think you were being quite reasonable and you didn't really adequately explain how f*cking awful it was.
For example, you missed embarrassment of the London Tykes flag not quite reaching the two posts the stewards said we could hang it off, only for the No.7 matchday drinkers to come and fix their slightly larger flag there instead, leaving us to drape our flag over a crash barrier and in a puddle.
You didn't explain that the rain was so bad that even with my snorkel hood up I was still getting the rain directly in my face. Or that my 'waterproof' coat turned out to be not so, as I discovered when I reach for my programme in the pub to find a blob of paper mache in its place.
Or that we inadvertently stood in the corner where the home youth section move to when they kicked the other way, just like we used to at Oakwell back in the day, so we spent the entire second half getting stick from a bunch of 14 year olds, including a 'you fat b@stard chant' that we couldn't work out who it was aimed at. Or that the pub that was 'just at the top of the road' in Stockport, when we had ages to kill, was nothing of the sort.
And the performance was even worse than you described. I watch the 'highlights' last night, just to watch the bemused looks on our faces when their players celebrated right in front of us, but fortunately they cut to a replay instead. Pearson committed a schoolboy error the type of which sees Digby banished to the twilight zone after each of his three-monthly appearances. Or that Nyatanga showed that letting Lalkovic skip past him the other week wasn't a one off, as he decided to stop and appeal for offside against a player that ran past him, rather than, you know, clearing the ball.
But it was refreshing that instead of crying 'penalty' after Winnall's dive the entire away end simply berated Winnall for trying to cheat against a bunch of part timers. He really is far from the player that some Reds fans think he is and needs dropping. I'd start with Smith and Jackson up front. In fact, I'd like to drop 4 of the 5 defenders too, but we have nobody to take their place.
And nobody told me that, in a team of kids, Isgrove actually looks younger than my 5 year old.
However, the day wasn't all bad. The pub was fab and the pies in the pub were yummy. The Alty fans in the pub were a decent bunch. And after a sh!tty day the bus driver made a mistake giving me my ticket on the bus in Sheffield, but because it was his mistake he let me get home to Penistone from Sheffield for £1.40. Not only that, but he even dropped me at the end of my street, rather than at the bus stop (which, to be fair, is only 30 or 40 yards further up the road, but still). In London the bus drivers don't even stop to let you on the bus!
Scowen ***
Nobody **
Nobody *
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| A Londontyke reacts badly to news the train is cancelled |
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| Pre-match. 'We can win this.' |
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| Their stand, 1st half |
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| Room for a little un? |
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| Their stand, 2nd half |
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| Is it a bird? Is it a plane? |
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| Like us, BFC were heading for the exit by this point. |
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| The Main Stand. And...errr....other stand. |
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| Dave's 'chef's shoes'. Not clever attire today. |
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