Miami Dolphins 0-20 New Orleans Saints, Sunday 1st October 2017

Miami Dolphins 0-20 New Orleans Saints, att. 84,423

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Many months ago, tiring of slagging off a sport I’d never seen live, I agreed to go to a game, with a couple of American football aficionado friends. It seemed like a good idea at the time – October was a long time away, and, you never know, I might enjoy it. So it was that I was trekking up to Wembley on a Sunday morning when I could have been in bed, to watch a sport I couldn’t care less about, amongst thousands of people who, for whatever reason, think the Yank version of football is better than association.

Every team bar the ones who're playing.

Five of us met up at a cod-South American bar eaterie in the Wembley shopping centre. It was all a bit plastic, but it was nice to have a seat and a beer. After introductions, ‘we’ve told them all about you’, it was off to the match, where Sarah (or was it Jenny?) wasn’t even allowed up the steps to the stadium for having the temerity to have a handbag. So off the ladies trotted to drop off said offending article at a warehouse, while we gentlemen did the gentlemanly thing and went in. We wanted to see the rendition of the anthems, after all!

The teams come out. Yankee Doodle Dandy!

Would these American footballers ‘take the knee’ or would it be a complete non-event? Twas the latter – and I had to stand through our own dirge of a national anthem too. Note to self: miss more kick offs. We waved our free sparkly Dolphins flags (well, I didn’t, someone had thankfully nicked mine) as they were the home team. One good thing I liked though, thousands of fans coming together in the shirts of their adopted team, all in the name of American football. I can see why London will (probably) get their own NFL franchise soon.

Surely everyone should be supporting the Saints???

The action started. Then it stopped. Then it started again. Repeat to fade. I reasoned very early on that this really isn’t a sport worth watching. Why else employ cheerleaders to take your mind off the match? Half time neared and the game was still scoreless. I became hooked. Was I the only spectator hoping for a nil-nil? A scoreline which, the internet told me, had never happened since the modern advent of the Superbowl. COME ON! NIL NIL!

Sadly, I was put out of my glory with half time looming, the Saints hitting a field goal. (Hark at me! A ‘field goal’!) Dammit. Time to go and get a 2nd overpriced beer of dubious quality. I love Wembley.

The Dolphins line up.

Second half was more of the same. The Guardian reported the match as ‘an error-riddled, penalty-strewn, stodgy stinker of a match between two teams the wrong side of average’.  My friends concurred. This was abysmal (even by American football standards?) I was the only one who seemed happy; it was everything I’d imagined. And I’d paid £55, plus a tenner for a programme, for the pleasure. I am an idiot. But you’ve gotta do everything once. (FYI: Horse racing is s*** as well.)

Home time.  Thank god for that.

The Damage:
£55 ent
£10 prog

One fan looks pleased with himself.

And now, for the main event...

They do a lot of standing around in this 'sport'.

The Wembley vista.

What would you rather watch?

More 'action'.

How many idiots can you fit in one place? (Note how many had gone.)

Full time.  Joy!