'THAT'S proper rivalry' (the Rwandan genocide)
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| Outside Oakwell, 3:15pm. |
‘It’s like de ja vous all over again’ said one Shaka Hislop upon not gaining immediate entry to see the Super Reds for a second time, having forgotten his season ticket. What a moron. Why would anyone giving 2 weeks notice to the Oakwell box office expect to get in before anyone who rocks up on the day without their ST? Let me explain…
(Once
is misfortune, twice is carelessness)
https://geordiealsgroundhopperscrapbook.blogspot.com/2014/11/barnsley-1-2-scunthorpe-united.html |
| 3 hours and 160 miles later, I'm heading to Oakwell...what can go wrong? |
Here’s how it works: You lose your ST a fortnight before the next home game. You make the mistake of communicating this to Oakwell. They tell you a new ST is waiting for you, but they’ll charge you a fiver (fair enough). You rock up at 2:45 to join the queue (wondering why there’s so many there). 2:55pm, you are talking to a nice lady behind a screen. You tell her your ST is waiting for you and she goes wandering. She wanders further. You stop watching, despite the wonderment that she has no idea where they keep replacement STs. She appears your side of the counter (I forget why) and disappears back in the office, where your replacement ST appears. ‘Sorry about that.’ ‘No worries.’
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| Is that us, playing in BLUE? |
I am off and running (walking). The game has kicked off, but whatthehell, it’s only division 3. I walk down the hill to the East Stand, turning the corner to the lower tier turnstiles (past the halfway line: why?). Even a couple of mins into the match, ALL lower tier turnstiles are closed. Fine. There is a beautiful looking upper tier turnstile open. I guess all latecomers go through that. ‘Beep beep beep’. No, My replacement ticket is invalid. Fine, division 3, etc. I walk back to the ticket office.
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| Turnstiles. Closed. |
Ticket office closed. Club shop closed. Let’s try the main reception. I tap on a window and receive a surprised look (WTF? The match has kicked off.) ‘My ST doesn’t work’ etc. A little bit of magic and a ‘it works here’ and I’m off. (I have by now told them what will happen next; I will walk halfway around the ground to find it doesn’t work and then have to come back again.) I walk halfway around the ground to find it doesn’t work and then have to come back again. (You’d think after all these years I’d get used to being right; I look upon it as a curse.) By now I’m mildly irritated. I point out that all the other folk in the ticket office at 2:55pm, who’d forgotten their season tickets, are NOT walking aimlessly around the outside of Oakwell; TOP TIP: don’t tell the bleeders 2 weeks in advance you’ve lost your ST; rock up on the day saying you’ve forgotten it and they’ll PRINT you a ticket for that day. A fortnight’s notice? Forget it.
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| Turnstiles. Closed. |
So, I’m given my fiver back for the new ST wot doesn’t work (‘do you mind if I keep your ST?’ ‘Wot? The one that doesn’t work? Help yourself.’ A replacement ticket is handed to me (not for my seat, but one nearby,cos they can’t do one for my seat cos it’s…errrrr…..taken. Go figure.) So I get into Oakwell, at 15:33 and however many seconds, in time to see the Super Reds see off 3 consecutive attacks. Is this what I’ve missed? Being outclasses by a(nother) side in or around the relegation zone? Amazingly, no. I look up at the scoreboard and it says we are winning 1-0. Now, either Oakwell has the best soundproofing ever, or the crowd make FA noise. I don’t believe we’ve scored and check t’internet on my phone. We’ve scored. We are indeed winning 1-0 and apparently Mowatt has scored from outside the box to the top corner. Now I know this can’t be true. Even the World Wide Web is in on this conspiracy. I have to laugh.
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| The away end...and scoreboard proclaiming 1-0. |
Now it gets boring. I have to describe what I DID see. So….we cagily hold on to what we’ve got, missing not a lot, creating not a lot and conceding not a lot. Luton, 2nd half, without the goals. I have 2 highlights. We have a goalkick (we are into the 2nd half now) and the linesman flags for offside. Nevermind Andy and Andy (and every other Reds fan) moaning every match that the officials are against us. This one doesn’t even know the rules. (He puts his flag down; did the ref tell him? Or is he a slow realiser?) And talking of slow realisers….Mamadou Thiam.
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| A. Londontyke is caught short outside the East Stand. |
Possibly still our highest paid player, but most definitely the thickest. We’re 2-on-1 and all he has to do is lay it across for Mike Barry to be clean through. Instead, he kicks it 20 yards to run onto, and while the ball harmlessly goes to the keeper, a defender runs into him. Half a dozen fans in the Ponty scream for a sending off (the ball is at the other end) while 5,000 people in the East Stand shrug and can’t even be ar5ed to berate Thiam for his Thiam-ness. (Lads I play 5 aside with know; if I’m not shouting at you for your incompetence, this is a BAD sign. It means I don’t think you can do any better. Mamadou: I WANT to shout at you. I really do. But you’re a poor excuse for a footballer, which is why you’ve gone from barely commanding a place up front in division 2, to hanging onto a place on the bench, coming on as a winger, in division 3.) Of course, he then cracks a 20 odd yarder off the bar from the resultant free kick, before hitting the rebound against someone and the second rebound into the crowd. I make that 3 attempts off target in about 5 seconds, surely a record. The vocal few will tell you what an incredible free kick it was and all else is forgotten*.)
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| Midfield action. |
*Did I tell you about my bet with Nice Guy Chris? After Luton, he offers me a tenner that Mamadou will hit at least 15 for the Super Reds this season (‘not including pens’). I tell him I can’t take money like that from a pensioner and offer 13…to give him a sporting chance. F***me. I honestly look forward to everyone here rubbing my piggy little snout in it later this season when Mamadou hits his 3rd hattrick (no chance). He is RUBBISH.
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| The Reds take a corner in front of the Ponty. |
*** Lindsay. I don’t rate him, but me and Mr Twitter agreed today. Won everything in the air, passed the ball to his teammates (unusual) and stopped a certain goal with a block. Twitter MOTM.
** Mowatt. Looked tidy. Allegedly scored.
* Bahre. Ran around. That’s all it takes these days.
Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Mowatt 2. Lindsay 3. Bahre
Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Mowatt 2. Lindsay 3. Bahre
Despatches:
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| The view from next to Diane. |
Which brings me to a 3rd highlight, nearly forgotten. Small kid in front of me in the East Stand wonders to his dad why Hedges isn’t playing. ‘He can do a job.’ Yes, he probably can. But footballer isn’t one of them.
And a 4th. Blimey, this game had more thrills than a Thrills' album. I saw a bit of the game on a screen in the box office. We were playing in dark blue, Rovers in sky blue. I swear the pitch was still green. Later, I saw the same in the East upper, and we were still in blue, so there was obviously a problem with the screens. Or I'm still coming down from a trip c.1995.
Onwards and upwards!
Away: 400 and some.
The Damage:
£33 train
= £33
The Tunes:
She Hangs Brightly (Mazzy Star)
All Melody (Nils Frahm)
It Takes A Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back (Public Enemy)
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| East Stand upper panorama |
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| Panorama from the Ponty (cheers Jonesy) |
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| For those of you watching in black and white...Barnsley are playing in blue. |
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| Another Bristol team doesn't bring very many. |
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