BFC 1-1 Birmingham City, Saturday 28th August 2021

‘Eez ‘ad enuff time naaah, t’manager…’

Is it too early to be in trouble? Have we ‘only’ had one win in 5, or one defeat in 5? I dunno. Debate surrounding our 1st choice XI settled on it being bottom 6, whilst the bench was either bottom of the league or 3rd division. How can we have so many subs and yet have no choice in making a change? Mind, that’s every bit a harsh sleight on Big Vic, who came on and looked the best of a bad front 3. I’m not sure our missing players fill me with any sense of hope either; Kane (rubbish), Mads (no pedigree in front of a crowd) and a couple of Belgians no-one’s ever seen. The ghosts of Phil Gridelet. Do our chances REALLY depend on Carlton Morris?

Course, I’m being negative. I quite enjoyed yesterday’s game, in part because of our tactic of playing it out from within our own box. At what point will it cost us a goal? Who cares? It’s crazy, edge of the seat stuff and highly entertaining if you’ve no faith in our front players ever scoring a goal. How boring would it be to simply take a ‘proper’ goalkick and hoof it somewhere towards the halfway line? On the rare occasion it worked, we left 3 Brum players the wrong side of the ball and lots of space to attack into. Otherwise, we are inviting the opposition on and are pressed into our own half. Total football!

Somehow, it was an entertaining, open, game. I say ‘somehow’ because the opposition involved ‘Birmingham City’ and ‘Lee Bowyer’. Of COURSE they were niggly, but generally the ref let the game flow…unless it was Manchester United’s Hamza Choudrary falling down in front of a Reds player. Listen, I get that the ref admires Hamza’s hair. Me too. But I thought refs had been told to stop giving these stupid little free kicks when a player falls down after being touched. Particularly aggrieved must be Cauley Woodrow, who didn’t get ANYTHING and spent most of the match with his arms out wide, puzzled look on his face after yet another defender went through him. We should get a statue of him outside Oakwell – Cauley as Christ the Redeemer (with Russell Howard’s face. He does look like Russell Howard, doesn’t he?)

We went ahead relatively early. Oduor recycled the ball in their box and pulled it back for Styles to smash home into the top corner from just outside the area. Full marks to their defenders for showing him onto his left foot – the only one he has. Still, we returned the favour before half-time, Sibbick allowing the ball to drop over his head for that big centre forward with the Eastern European name who no-one can spell, however many years he plays in the Championship*, to score, after cutting back and leaving Kitching floundering.

*Jutkiewicz. I’ve just looked it up. He’s British as well. Who knew?

I just looked up something else too – how many shots we had on target. I know, I know, I was there and should know these things. The answer was 2 by the way, but I forget the other one. The closest we got to a goal second half was when Oduor (him again!) nicked the ball off the last defender and ran through on goal, only to be pulled back for a foul throw by Brum. Despite the anger of the natives, I think the ref’s hands were tied – you can’t play an advantage on a foul throw. (But you could ignore the fact it’s a foul throw, you do every other time it happens.)

Otherwise, we spent the half being picked off on the counter by Brumingham. This was a shame for La Famille Jones-Marchioni, ensconced together in the Ponty for their 1st match of the season (yes, I could see youse from the East Upper), as all the action was at the other end. But in a shock to the system, it appeared I was the optimistic one. Birmingham couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo tied to a cow’s arse. I had every faith in their ability to miss from anywhere, and the one time they did get through, Collins saved a one-on-one. (It will come as no surprise to learn this was entirely our own fault as 2 of our players needlessly lost it on our left wing with most of our team in and around their box.) So, we’ve nicked a draw in a game we shoulda lost (today), got a win in a game we should have lost (Cov) and got a loss in a game we shoulda lost (Luton). Repeat after me: we are not in trouble. We are not in trouble. We are not in trouble.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Helik. Won everything and was official MOTM. In particular, I was impressed with his ability to step out from behind the centre forward and intercept balls. Get him sold before transfer deadline.
** Styles. For a second successive game, he takes a PROPER yellow with some cynical foul play. This time, knowing he’s being stripped for pace on the break, he shepherds the player out towards the Main Stand. Proper professional, none of these namby-pamby cautions.
* Collins. Didn’t put a foot wrong and involved in everything good about our performance (tippy-tappy triangles around our 6 yard box).

Londontykes' MOTM: 1. Helik 2. Collins 3. Styles

Despatches:
Reedy and Slacki made it as far as South Yorkshire, but chose the guaranteed good time of a Sheffield rock festival over Oakwell Roulette. Tut tut. The ref? He must be doing something right, both sets of fans agree ‘you’re not fit to referee’. That made me laugh, the Ponty’s ode followed by the away end encore.

The players? Oduor. Madcap foreign genius (again) or just madcap? What’s he doing up front? Are we the only team in the league to turn a wing back into a forward (Oduor) and a forward into a wing back (Miller, not that we ever see him)? Still, it gives entertainment value, as Oduor’s pace and trickery bring a few seconds of light relief before he inevitably loses it. What entertainment is there in the endeavour of a Freezer? Or a Woodrow? How many more times can I ask what’s happened to the latter? A snail crawling through treacle on a treadmill in reverse. Looked keen early on, as he shot wide from distance after 20 seconds. Shoulda taken him off then. Midfield? Brittain ran around and put in a few tackles. End product lacking, but no change there. Oh, nearly forgot…he tried ending his Reds drought with a 25 yard half volley with the ball behind him. No comment. Benson made a few passes and continued his BFC career as a slightly better version of Herbie Kane. Kitching and Sibbick I didn’t notice for the most part. They were just the blokes stood beside the immense Helik. If I’ve missed anybody, suffice to say they made no mark on the game.

Drink du jour: Rose lemonade. Good to be back in the Old #7, albeit briefly.

Away: 2,023 (Att: 13,950) Technically, a capacity away end in these days of post-Coronavirus, post-Brexit lack of stewards. I’m sure there’s an economic law for this, but when we give them 6,000, they bring 1500. When we give them 2,000, they sell out.

The Damage:
£3 prog
£48 3rd shirt
= £3

plus petrol…£20?

The Tunes:
Imidiwan (Tinariwen)
BBC 5Live
BBC6 Music (Craig Charles Funk and Soul Show). There’s only so much Robbie Savage one can put up with on 5live.

BFC 0-1 Luton Town, Tuesday 17th August 2021

‘We stole 3 points on Setdi so….’

Well, that was a midweek treat. If I was one of those people who liked puzzles, last night’s game woulda left a Mastermind champ baffled. What on earth WERE we doing? I’ll start with the playing out from the back. Here we are, a middling Championship club, attempting to take short goalkicks to defenders in our own box, while the opposition press. If Arsenal can’t manage it, why do we think we can? We invariably got away with it, by kicking it 30 yards into touch. But if the keeper simply kicked it long from the off we’d be on the halfway line and the ball still in play (I’m presuming Collins keeps it on the pitch). I thought WE were the team with the high press, not the team inviting it on us. I didn’t see any advantage to us doing it, aside from the entertainment of wondering whether we’d get away with it. So in that sense, I got a dark kick out of it. What about our own press? Didn’t we ship in this latest Teutonic coach cos he he’s groomed in the way we play? Well, our press looked like Freezer running the keeper down on his own from time to time.

The entire match looked like one grand experiment in how not to win a football match. Clarke Oduor,started as one of the front 3, FFS. A nifty bit of footwork here, a nimble bit of movement there, does not make up for the fact that he’s not a forward in a million years. (Less kind Londontykes than I wonder if he’ll ever be a footballer in a million years. The player whose goal kept us up 2 years ago! What has happened to this lad’s career…?) And I still thought he was the only forward worth watching, if only cos his trickery beat the odd man. What did the rest provide? Freezer – graft, but nowt else. Cauley – I’ve no idea, though I once saw him run back 50 yards to win a ball. Perhaps that’s why he offers nothing the other way, knackered. Victor even came on. Nicked the ball off a defender brilliantly, had a 10 yard headstart, and still failed to get the cross in. As for Devante Cole. Is he fast? Or useless? Or fast and useless? If Jay Jay Okocha was so good they named him twice, is Devante so bad we SIGNED him twice? Carlton Morris was anonymous too. (He was out injured.)

Our biggest attacking threat second half (losing one nil) was centre half Kitching becoming a makeshift left winger. WTF? Or Benson dropping deep to launch a ball at Kitching and Helik, who pushed up to support a toothless attack. I can’t decide if this is experimental foreign genius or a throwback to the good old days of just lumping it forward to the Big Guy(s). So often, second half, Benson would be on the halfway line in the centre half position, while the aforementioned centre halves were 30 or 40 yards down the pitch. Maybe Benson is playing as a quarterback, the deep lying playmaker behind all his teammates? Again, foreign tactical nouse. I’ll say this. If you play backgammon, you might win 1 in 10 games playing idiosyncratically. However, you’ll lose far more than you win.

We went one down within 3 minutes. I was ‘lucky’ – I’d only just got in after more turnstile shenanighans as season cards weren’t scanning. ‘Have you downloaded it to your phone?’ the turnstile operator asked. ‘I tried, but that didn’t work either’. She let me in unscanned. I’d just taken my seat when I saw the Hatters break free down the right. Where the f*** is Williams??? (On the bench, since you ask.) The ball is squared to a man free in the centre. As a panicking defender covers him, he lets the ball run on for another free Luton player to run in and bury it into the bottom corner from 20 yards. A fine finish. I’ve since seen it on telly – the Luton right back hoofs a free kick 60 yards down the line, Helik misjudges the flight and fails to make contact, leaving the right winger in. Is it Helik’s fault? Or did he have to come across to cover for the absent left wing back? (FYI, Styles was left wing back. Maybe nobody had told him he’d been switched from centre mid tonite?) As I said, more conundrums.

Others may disagree, but I thought Luton looked way more dangerous throughout. They had big lads who looked faster and fitter than our little fellas. They nearly added a second when one of them brushed Benson aside to run clean through. Another attack ended with Bree miscuing from 8 yards. What a homecoming that could have been. In the meantime, we had a weak effort from Brittain, sidefooting a right wing cross which the keeper saved with ease. PUT YOUR FOOT THROUGH IT MAN! Though why I’m bothering to tell Brittain how to finish, I don’t know. This bloke will never score a goal for Barnsley. (Still, at least his crossing’s on point. If by ‘on point’ you mean ‘Shukeresque’. The one time he didn’t hit the first man, he put it too far in front of the lunging forwards and it skidded wide.)

Still, we’ve definitely improved our ability to tippy-tappy. 70% possession, and (I’m told by the BBC website) 3 shots on target. We NEVER had 3 shots on target. One of them must have been the Styles shot which the keeper did us the favour of saving even though it was going wide, thereby causing momentary pandemonium as it pinged around the box and Brittain had a ferocious shot blocked (was that the 3rd shot on target? I didn’t think they counted blocked shots?) Eventually, we ran out of forwards to bring on, none of them having had a shot. Luton looked comfortable, and I’m convinced they’d have had more if they needed to. Lansbury hit the shot of the match, a half volley from the apex of the box, which Collins did well to save. Oh, I remember another ‘shot’ we had…Benson charged down a defender and his ‘tackle’ rebounded at pace towards the away end goal. It went wide, but it provided a frisson of entertainment where there was none.

So there it is. 2 home games against the might of Cov and Luton. One we should have been knocked out of sight (but won) and last night. This does not augur well for the season, but it could be worse – I could be watching our one touch hoofball of last season. Yes, it’s nice to win, but if winning is the ONLY thing that matters, you might as well just read the result in the paper. I want to be entertained WHILE I watch the game, and I think the coach and players are TRYING (very!). If I’m being generous, they’re just a little out of practice. But the forwards are a real concern. I don’t know how long Morris is out for, but these Belgians had better be good. (ps, do they even EXIST? Or will it be more Phil Gridelet syndrome?)

Onwards and upwards!

*** Sibbick. I am honestly short of candidates, but he didn’t do much wrong and had to come across from right to left to make a crucial block 1st half.
** Kitching. I said I’m short of contenders, but it’s not his fault he’s playing left wing. Perhaps he’d have seen some of the ball if Styles would give it to him. (My friend Diane was convinced Styles was avoiding him on purpose.)
* Benson. Made some good passes…but also made some bad passes.

Official MOTM: Palmer. Not bad, considering he went off at half time. (He didn’t, but I never saw him second half.)

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Sibbick 2. Benson 3= Kitching/Palmer

Despatches:
Palmer was right in the game 1st half, but I honestly don’t know where he went 2nd half. Did he just join the crowd as Benson hoofed the ball up? Styles was in the game a lot more than Satdy. How does he manage to be in the game more at left back than centre mid? The only positive I can say for Brittain is that his ponytail is as bad as mine. (I’ve been putting off having a haircut since lockdown but I’ve lost my reasoning that ‘if it’s not safe enough to be in the away end of a football match, I don’t see how it’s safe to be in a barbers’). Collins made a save but at one point went for a wander, leading to the Bree miss. (I think it was from one of those short goalkicks. How I laughed.) As for the forwards, the lack of any more mentions should suffice.

Drink du jour: None. But I did enjoy my ham and pease pudding sandwich that I brought along. Mos’def the MVP.

Away: 748 (Att: 12,999) A tremendous effort from Luton. Midweek they bring more than a Bristol City on a Satdy.

The Damage:
£3 prog
= £3

plus petrol…£10? Yes, cheaper today, as I had Diane to share the petrol with.

The Tunes:
Imidiwan (Tinariwen)
Greatest Hits (Thin Lizzy)

ps, it was Slacki's daughter's Lola's 1st ever game. Poor kid. While I hope she enjoyed it, she'd better get used to it! (And yes, she said at half time that Daddy had said some very bad words during the first half.)

BFC 2-1 Coventry City, Saturday 14th August 2021

‘Your support is f***ing sh*t’

I was awake at 4am on Satdy. Nerves? Excitement? Insomnia? Probably the latter, as the cat wakes me up at least twice every night wanting food, and it was a little warm in the house. So I was up at 6 and spent a considerable part of the day wondering at what point I’d fall asleep behind the wheel of the car. It’s a very different experience from getting bladdered on the train with the other Londontykes. Back to normality then. Coronavirus is over, yes? How did we do? ‘Get here early’ they said. So the gates weren’t open till 2. Season ticket (‘season passes’) bar codes didn’t work…hence long queues. Luckily, the turnstile operators could manually type in our numbers - an improvement on going back to the ticket office, then re-scanning the card…going back to the turnstile, it still not working and repeating the whole process…as was my lot one game a few years back. One couldn’t get a home shirt…but not cos they’d ran out, just that BFC had (wisely) limited numbers in the club shop and I wasn’t going to wait. Not with that queue. Inside Oakwell, and apart from an opening and closing 10 mins, the atmosphere was flat…while the defenders (1st half) appeared never to have met each other before. So, all in all, it was good to be back on familiar territory again.

It was an entertaining, open game. I’d be tempted to wonder how we won, but I know the answer – we scored and they didn’t. They passed up 3 golden opportunities 1st half, none of which hit the target. The only one Quest showed was the one where the bloke was free on the back post to hit the ball into the ground and off the bar. What a cross that was, but the forward just dropped off the centre halves and was in acres of space. Early on, we had a chance too, with Leon Brittain (wasn’t he a Tory Home Secretary or summink? Either way, my continuous brain fog means I have no idea what Brittain’s 1st name is. Is he one of them Calums?) clean through. Unfortunately, the ball got caught up in his feet, and he scuffed a tame effort wide. As I said, about as back to normal as it comes. Oh, and Reds fans moaning at the ref for making perfectly legitimate decisions.

Then, just as we’d weathered the Cov storm, we score! Palmer, who’d looked lively throughout (and had the fouls on him to prove it) slipped one through for Freezer. The keeper stood rooted…he couldn’t possibly miss…could he? No. Calmly tucked in the bottom far corner. 1-0, game over – so it proved. It was certainly the end of our attacking threat. It was our only shot on target. When will these new Belgians be fit (cos I’ve no faith in Devante Cole being the answer to our prayers)?

If the opening period was all about Romal Palmer, the second belonged to Liam Kitching, our 2nd recent purchase from Forest Green Rovers’ back line (and the first didn’t turn out so bad). What a performance he put up – last ditch covering tackles, clearances, interceptions. Save for a last minute misunderstanding with Ben Williams, it was the complete performance. Such a shame that in the 4th minute of injury time, from OUR throw in, Williams and Kitching contrived to let their winger in. Williams may have got a touch, but he upended the attacker who could still have got to the ball. A pen for me and there wasn’t much dissent in the area of the East upper by me. However, step forward…more brain fog…not Adam Davies (even if he looks like him a bit)…christ, what’s he called…Collins! That’s it, COLLINS! Low to his right, not a bad penalty, but Brad gets across and does what Walton failed to do with 5 3rd division penalties earlier in the week. Superb. Cov had battered us, but we survived and the luck was with us.

One oddity of the match was the number of bookings we took (8). We’ll be on a FA charge, I’m sure. It was strange, as it didn’t look a dirty match. Mind, I’m told 5 of the cards were for fouls on the same player, but if one was Cauley’s, he was unlucky – he’d been fouled (not given) then turned around and swung at a loose ball and kicked their player up in the air. Was it Palmer booked for timewasting? Standing over the ball and preventing a quick free kick. No qualms, there, refs need to show the yellow more often. As for the rest, they all blurred into one, but suffice to say I agreed with every single one. A Cov fan I spoke to after the game had a novel take on it though – he blamed the ref for losing control, as the cards appeared to make no difference.

As for the fans, as I say, I found it flat for the most part. Indeed, Cov would remind us every now and again ‘Your support is f***ing s***’ and the Ponty would respond with ‘We forgot that you were hear’. Welcome back everyone.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Kitching. Magnificent, ably supported by Helik.
** Palmer. It’s back to normality again, normality being dragging your best player off after an hour. With the team winning the ball back successfully, Palmer was one of the few who could then find his own teammate with the ball.
* Helik. Right up the strikers’ bottoms throughout the second half.

Despatches:
Collins did no wrong, and saved a pen, but had little to do with Cov’s strikers being so profligate. Brittain won ball after ball…then gave away ball after ball. Styles was disappointing at centre mid, though it’s early days, while I was very impressed with new boy Benson, who was calm under pressure and made passing to a player in red look easy. I suspect he’ll be a starter very soon. Up top, Freezer ran about and looked keen while about the only time I noticed Cauley (aside from the booking) was when he chased back 50 yards to win the ball.

Drink du jour: Pre-match orange juice in the Old #7, as Nice Guy Chris and I bemoaned that the one time we’d have gone to the fanzone, we couldn’t. A real pity, when it’s the opening day of the season and the weather was set fair

Away: 1719 (Att: 14,961)

The Damage:
£3 prog
= £3

plus petrol…£20?

The Tunes:
TMS (5Live extra)

Thornaby 2-1 Whickham, Wednesday 11th August 2021

Thornaby 2-1 Whickham, Northern League Division 1, Teesdale Park, att. 226

I’m terribly confused by Thornaby FC. Formed as Stockton FC (and re-named in 2000 as Thornaby), the town of Thornaby lies on the opposite bank of the River Tees from Stockton, so why is it ‘Thornaby, Stockton-on-Tees’? On the rare occasion I’ve had reason to consider Thornaby (the place), I’ve thought of it as a suburb of Middlesbrough, the other side of the A19. If one side of the Tees is Yorkshire, and the other (better) side, County Durham, surely Thornaby isn’t in Stockton. These modern boundaries! Though when I looked up the ground, Teesdale Park, to find it was adjacent to ‘Old River Tees’ I wondered, what’s that? A bit of digging and it turns out one of those Victorian Indsutrial Age innovations was straightening the Tees so that ships could reach Stockton (and the black gold – coal – brought there by rail from the Durham coalfields). No wonder the waterside at Stockton is so straight. I never knew!

Something else I pondered over was Teesdale Park. Rarer than hen’s teeth, here was a flat pitch in the Northern League. What wonder of mankind or nature was this? Talking to an old timer, he told me the place was a cricket ground before its development. It’s a smart arena too, with a covered propped Main Stand just past the halfway line opposite a grass bank covering the length of the pitch. Excellent views, save for the bizarre addition of a bus shelter on the halfway which appeared to double as a camera gantry. Or just a gantry, given the lack of TV camera. On a fine night in North Yorkshire, 3 gentlemen took the opportunity for an indoor sitdown. Get here early when the weather’s on the turn…

Behind one goal is the social club and some open seats. Again, great in late summer, possible less so for the other 9 months of the season. The entrance is at this end, in the corner. This came as a relief as I walked around, as the social club was behind a fence and I could find no way in. I lucked out though, claiming the last programme, and the gateman gave me a teamsheet for good measure. I like it here.

The programme gave the usual synopsis of both teams, but had a rather tough football quiz in which I scored a meagre 3/8. I did though learn that Kieron Dyer played for England 33 times (how?) even though I mainly remember him for an on-pitch fight with Newcastle teammate Lee Bowyer. No matter what happens in football, there’s always Newcastle United to make one chuckle.

I wandered down the touchline towards the Main Stand, passing a pop up bar, which would have screamed craft ale had it been Dulwich, but it wasn’t. So it was Fosters, Carling, or somesuch. Can’t knock it though, I wasn’t drinking. Clean, spacious toilets too, another rarity at this level. I made use before standing for most of the first half against a barrier next to the pitch before I heading towards the bank opposite, passing behind the goal. This was a small terrace with cover, Thornaby FC flags hanging proudly at the back. Who needs their team’s name emblazoned in the seats?

The bank provided a great view and I was quickly impressed with Thornaby left winger/forward Elliott Beddow (‘among the quickest players in the League’ according to the programme). However, whether good defending or a poor last pass, Thornaby couldn’t get him in. However, they broke the deadlock when a stray pass from Whickham was then squared for a confident finish from Luke Hogan. ‘I don’t know how we’re winning’ said the old timer as I intended to complete a circuit of the ground at half-time. I never managed the circuit – we chatted for the rest of the match.

Whickham equalised after the hour, as the Thornaby keeper came out to collect, completely misjudged the cross and found himself stranded. An easy tap-in. A young lad, I’m again baffled to know how a 17 year old goalkeeper (Josh Mazfari) can have had trials for England Under 18s and yet play for Thornaby FC. Even then, he wouldn’t have played had the regular #1, Dimi Konstantopoulos (former Boro and Poolie legend, with nearly 400 appearances) been available. The latter is now a coach at Hartlepool and apparently won’t be available when they play – which is every Saturday for a start!

With around 20 minutes left, Whickham’s Ross Peareth was shown a second yellow for a robust mistimed tackle, leaving Thornaby to hunt down the win, and it was our man Beddow, streaking through to calmly finish. I like the look of this lad (despite other misses.) For a second successive away game, I’d seen Whickham lose 2-1, but they look more than good enough to be halfway up this league. Time will tell.

ps, don’t make my mistake and find yourself in the cricket club car park. Thornaby FC is the right turn BEFORE (or left turn after) and whatever you’ve read on the internet about a lack of parking, it’s not true – there’s car parks behind both goals, as well as the ability to park on the lane parallel with the bank side.

The Damage:
£7 ent
£2 programme (last one)
= £9

The Tunes: OK (Talvin Singh)