BFC 1-3 Nottingham Forest, Wednesday 29th September 2021

‘I wish we were still in lockdown.’

I’ll start with the positives. My season card worked for the first time this season, we scored a goal and I was home before midnight. Oh, and Gangway 12 has a hot new steward(ess). Right, enough of that.

This season gets better and better. Tonite it’s the turn of bottom of the table* Nottingham Forest to tear us apart (again). Even with a headstart, we can’t beat a team who’ve been beaten all season. I couldn’t care less they have a new manager (who seems a bit of a media darling; various outlets appear oblivious to Steve Cooper’s inability to get his Swansea team to promotion, despite parachute payments, or that he walked out on them the minute the money stopped rolling in). Still, I’m sure he’ll make every success of the managerial graveyard that is the City Ground.

* if it wasn’t for Derby’s pts deduction

Start as you mean to go on. Benson, named in the starting line-up, mysteriously disappears before kick-off. The evidence still exists here https://www.barnsleyfc.co.uk/news/2021/september/team-news-vs-forest/ Are our players even incapable of warming up properly? Still, it gave Jordan Williams a runout. I’m of the opinion that if a player of his quality can’t get a game, we MUST be a decent team. Mustn’t we?

The only chance early doors was when Collins came out of goal and miscued a clearance straight to a Forest player, wide left. Stoke City 2 years ago, all over again – ‘cept the Forest player meekly kicked wide. Open goal, 40 yards out. Useless. Then, out of the blue, we scored. We’d created nowt and yet we were ahead, Cauley Woodrow’s sleight of foot beating the defender, before he was clipped. (‘Cauley Woodrow’ and ‘sleight of foot’….a name and phrase ne’er before written.) Time stood still. Cauley had time to hit the floor, turn around while sat, and give it the usual spreading of the arms towards the ref. The ref looked at Cauley…looked at the linesman….read the Encyclopaedia Britannica….then pointed to the spot. No problem. If there is one thing Cauley can do, it’s take a penalty. Someone in the Ponty let off his smoke bomb which he’d been saving since August.

There’d been the odd warning sign first half, but Forest’s pace on the break destroyed us, second half. Before they’d even scored, Collins saved a one-on-one and Kitching saved two certain goals with last ditch covering tackles. So it came as some disappointment to find Forest 10 yards clear with one pass. SURELY offside? Looked a mile off…but TV replays show the linesman was spot on. A few minutes later a virtually identikit goal, as a static defence were split by quick passing and pace. Any comparison to what we have in ‘attack’ doesn’t bear study. Forest rounded it off as one player skinned both Moon and Brittain before crossing it low for Grabban to tap in at the back post. Only the masochists stayed, as the away end waved the home fans bye bye. Depressing.

Onwards and upwards!

*** . Kitching. I know. We concede 3 and I’m giving it to a centre half. But for Kitching, it woulda been worse.
** Collins. Made a few saves, unlike his opposite number. Is 1-3 to Forest ‘keeping it respectable’???
* Woodrow. By half-time he’d got a penalty, scored it, and helped constantly in defence. If Bogart and Bergman will always have Paris, Cauley will always have that first half at home to a side 2nd off bottom.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Collins 2. Kitching 3. Woodrow

Official MOTM: None. Too embarrassed, obvs.

Despatches:
If Oliver Twist had been there last night, he’d have been asking for less, not more. Dreadful. Half the fans left after the 3rd goal. They missed nowt. Oh, we had an 18 yard header well saved (Iseka?) but what keeper gets beaten by 18 yard headers? My cat, obese as he is, has also caught as many mice this month as the Reds have scored goals. And there’s only one of him. (Mind, he’s capable of creating his own opportunities, unlike anyone in our team.)

Given memories of Steve Cooper’s Swansea City in the play offs last season, I’ll give you my own personal highlight. A Forest player went down injured and Cauley put the ball in the net. Physio comes on, the Forest keeper ignores the ball, goes off chatting to the injured player / ref / coach / anyone…and with the injured player up and ready after a couple of minutes, he slow walks back to the goal to fish the ball out and place it for a free kick. Is this level of ‘professionalism’ taught? Or does it come naturally? Either way, I guess nobody of a Reds’ persuasion was vaguely bothered, as we weren’t going to get another goal.

Oh, and we now have those bloody irritating rolling digital ad screens behind each goal. 2 other Londontykes profess to being ‘impressed’ and they’re ‘mint’. I am embarrassed for the pair of them. In the meantime, the official scoreboard lacks any working lightbulbs, meaning I have no idea how much more of this s*** I have to watch in the 2nd half.

As for the elephant in the room that is our manager….it’s a good job Reds fans are such an apathetic bunch. They’ll moan, they’ll leave early, they’ll compare Schopp to Jose Morais on social media, but do we consider it rude to call for the manager’s head out loud? If (when?) we lose Satdy, Schopp’s gone. With the international break, a defeat would surely make his position untenable. 10 matches, 8 points, 7 goals scored. Without looking, I think our forward line have scored 2 (1 pen), 1 and zero between them. In TEN matches. It’s simply not working and we can’t wait until division 3 (although I did enjoy it last time). Gotta leave on a positive!

Drink du jour: FA. Straight to ground.

Away: 2,158 (Att: 13,657) ‘We’re Nottingham Forest, we’re taking the p***.’ Quite.

The Damage:
£3 programme
c.£15 petrol
= c.£18

The Tunes:
Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
BBC 5live
BBC 6Music

Head For Change 5-5 Team Solan, Sunday 26th September 2021

Heads for Change 5-5 Team Solan, Friendly, att. 390

An intriguing game today, an experimental match limiting the amount of heading; first half, headers only allowed in the box, second half, no headers at all. On paper, a sensible choice of players, as a bunch of former (semi) pros – biggest names Craig Hignett and Gavin McCann – faced each other. Players of a sufficient standard (on a pitch of very good standard) keeping the ball on the floor. All in the name of charity Heads for Change, who’re campaigning for greater understanding of the link between heading a ball and the problem of dementia amongst ex-players.

What did I expect? I expected players of a standard dropping balls just outside the opposition’s box, knowing the centre half couldn’t head the ball away. The problem was, the players were too good / unfit. What we had was a 5 aside game with 11 players on either team, with the ball barely leaving the surface, no boundaries pushed. I can see a Sunday league team just banging the ball down the pitch, but it just didn’t happen. I counted 3 headers all the first half, 2 in the box. The other, a headed clearance after 3 minutes, raised a cheer as the centre half, Mark Tinkler (who I played against as a kid, and what a world of difference between me and a future Hartlepool United regular) had obviously forgotten the rules and put his head to it. Hignett, meantime, was the worst player on the pitch, given he can barely move these days. Still, he’ll remain an Oakwell great.

Of course, it was a friendly, nothing riding on it (despite the improvised penalty shootout to decide a winner – Hignett missing the crucial pen when the keeper stood up to his ‘Panenka’) so, in the end, it predictably left more questions than answers. A worthy experiment, but a lot more games are needed before a pattern emerges. And in the days of a lightweight football, is it even worth it? Is the link between heading and dementia only proven for players of yesteryear using medicine balls soaked through with rain?

Still, it was an excellent turnout, nearly 400 people enjoying an afternoon in the Sunday sunshine at the Brewery Field, home of Spennymoor Town. A couple of local urchins collared me on the way to the ground. ‘Ere, mister, are you going to the football?’ They were worried they wouldn’t be allowed in without an adult, so I did the decent thing and paid them in, a quid each. You have to reward cheeky scampery. It’s problies where it all started for the Alan Sugars and David Sullivans of this world….

The Damage:
£5 ent
= £5

The Tunes:
Intro (Pulp)

Darlington 1-2 York City, Saturday 25th September 2021

Darlington 1-2 York City, National League North, Blackwell Meadows, att. 2,176

I decided to have a trip down Memory Lane today, as, rather than jump in the car to Darlo, I’d catch a bus. Thirty odd years have passed since I last did this. The 722/723 is now the Number 7 bus. It’s a single rather than double decker, and it goes every 15 minutes instead of the half hour. So, some things improve. Though instead of a detour round the Central Avenue of Newton Aycliffe, a new route seems to cover the whole town. I could have done without that.

I thought I’d treat myself to the bus and have a couple of pints (unlike 30 odd years ago). I must have gone in half a dozen pubs looking for something which WASN’T San Miguel, Heineken, Fosters, Strongbow Dark Fruit (WTF?), etc . Eventually I found myself in The Quakerhouse, a real ale pub down an alley off High Row. They had a beer brewed in my hometown. It’s a sign! I ordered a pint of it. Meantime, at the bar, conversation revolved around ‘Teeswater’ and ‘Skernewater’ (the Skerne is the Tees tributary running through Darlo). I presume they were describing my pint. Horrible. I left half of it (cos, obviously, you have to give it a chance).

Once upon a time, Darlington used to be quite the Quaker town, as reflected in the pub name and the nickname of the football team. So of course there was a HUMANIST stall on High Row. Makes a change from all the God botherers I’m used to in Rye Lane, Peckham. And humanists don’t seem to be in your face and ears with a microphone hooked up to some speakers, so I can thank them for that at least. There were also alpacas in the market place, though they were wisely behind a barrier. Who doesn’t love an alpaca!?

So, I headed towards Blackwell Meadows, the latest home of Darlington FC. At least I’d be able to get a pint there, and watch some football. (Another presumption which was shot down; no beer to be had, no idea why). This is the 4th home ground I’ve seen Darlington, after Feethams (R.I.P.), the Darlington Arena and Bishop Auckland’s Heritage Park. At least they’re back in town (or the edge thereof), but the walk is 15 minutes further on from where Feethams (R.I.P.) used to be, now a very nice looking housing estate. The best ground in the league, lost forever, just like that.

It was a nice walk as it goes, past Feethams (R.I.P.), along the river and through South Park. I took the scenic route, along with as many as three other fans. The rest presumably took the more direct path, along a busy A167 (the old ‘Great North Road’, or A1). Times had further changed in my match ticket. Ordered in advance, it was now a code on my phone. Thankfully, it still had some battery life.

Today’s visit was considered a ‘local derby’, though back in the days of Division 4 I don’t remember it ever advertised as such. Hartlepool (the monkey hangers) was THE derby, and one the fans still yearn for. One day. But, for a Conference North (Division 6) game, the crowd of over 2000 was the highest of the day, and comparable with what they used to get in the Football League. Even better, the old Feethams (R.I.P.) Tin Shed (the roof behind one goal) was put in storage during their absence of Darlington leave, and has now been resurrected at Blackwell Meadows, home of Darlington Rugby Club. (The other rugby club, Mowden Park, have taken over the 27,000 Darlington Arena. Considered too costly for the football club to run, a rugby team with half the number of fans now owns it. Anyone would think rugby fans have more money than football fans…

Blackwell Meadows was not as basic as I imagined, although a Spenny (Spennymoor) fan described it as a disgrace to me the other week. True, the away end is a small grass bank, but the other 3 sides are respectable for this level. Two virtually identical tin shed roofs cover a terrace behind one goal, and a seated stand mainly situated in the away half. The 4th side houses the rugby pavillion and contains the best view in the ground – from a balcony high above the pitch. All in, a capacity of around 3,300.

One thing that doesn’t change over the years is the calibre of home performance. Barely half an hour had elapsed and Darlo were two down with a man sent off. Worse, the departed player was Rotherham loanee Jake Cooper, who’d strengthened the defence no end of late. Manager Alan Armstrong was still seething enough at half-time to inform the ref of what he thought of his decision(s)…and received a red of his own for his troubles. Alan, for what it’s worth, the sending off didn’t look too surprising to me, Cooper dived in and took the player out. A brave second half performance brought a consolation goal for Darlo, but the damage had been done. The more things change….

The Damage:
£14 ent
£2.50 programme
= £16.50

The Tunes:
Brothers Gonna Work It Out (Chemical Brothers)

Spennymoor Town 1-0 AFC Fylde, Tuesday 21st September 2021

Spennymoor Town 1-0 AFC Fylde, FA Cup 2nd Qualifying Round, The Brewery Field, att. 1,094 (54 away)

It’s 35 years since I last saw a match at the Brewery Field. The Main Stand had burnt down, or was simply demolished, leaving the brick pillars only; behind one goal lay a stagnant pond, the whiff of which you could smell within the ground and the team turned a 3 goal half time lead against Hartlepool United into 3-5 friendly defeat. Worse followed, back in 2005, as the club was forced to fold following the social club burning down and a consequent inability to fulfil Unibond League fixtures. So, to see where Spennymoor are these days, riding high in Conference North, is somewhat of a fairytale. However, for myself, there’s lots to question.

Upon United’s folding, they bought out Evenwood Town, a proud Northern League side representing a village the other side of Bishop Auckland, moved them to the Brewery Field and renamed them Spennymoor Town (the FA have since twice refused the club’s request to reclaim ‘United’). Thus, they’re more of a Milton Keynes Dons than an AFC Wimbledon. Town even took over Coxhoe Athletic in the Wearside league, just to give their reserves a run about. (The name has since reverted to Coxhoe.) They also play in black and white stripes, never a good thing in my mind, and were the local rivals to my own town’s team (now defunct), Ferryhill Athletic. So, lots to abhor.

However, Evenwood were going bust anyway, the black and white stripes currently have an amber flash, so they’re more Notts County than Newcastle, and they’re now cleverly marketing themselves as a team for County Durham, not just Spennymoor. Indeed, if Tyne and Wear claims Sunderland, and Hartlepool is a unitary authority, Spennymoor can currently claim to be County Durham’s premier side, half a league ahead of Darlington, whose own renaissance has coincided with Spenny’s.

It helps to be bankrolled though. The club owner has invested heavily. All 4 sides of the ground have been rebuilt, or roofs added. The Main Stand includes a large corporate facility, while the stagnant pond end now has 4 rows of covered seating, as well as a state of the art scoreboard which is superior to my own side, Barnsley, 4 levels higher in the Championship. Opposite the Main Stand is a small terrace, the pick of the spots surely being to stand above the dugouts. The Wood Vue end (where the turnstiles are) is similar in size and roof to the other end, but is pure terrace. And for the commoners, a covered bar named after club legend Jason Ainslie, as well as a smaller bar in the opposite corner. All in all, a very smart stadium, as well as a pitch to die for.

I spent most of the first half wondering if the pitch was artificial, such was its’ carpet of green and only the players’ stud marks gave it away. A Gateshead fan, who, like me, had nought better to do than watch some local football, told me it’d cost £100k. It was the perfect surface for what was possibly the pick of the round’s ties; Conference North leaders AFC Fylde taking on 4th placed Spenny in a replay after a draw on Satdy. And the game didn’t disappoint, played at a terrific pace with the home side dominant. However, despite plenty of shots and not a few chances, it took a penalty just before half –time to decide the tie, as Spenny talisman Glen Taylor stepped up after a debatable foul.

Half-time, and most of the seated stand behind the goal changed ends, vocal element included. In a throwback to the good old days of my youth, it was great to see the teenagers of present year follow every goalkick of the Fylde keeper with a ‘You’re sh*t , ARRRGHHHH’. Later, I heard them sing a derisory song about Darlington. I’d better not tell them who my second team is. Either way, I’ll be back. Loved it, black and white stripes and all!

The Damage:
£10 ent
= £10

I’d have had a programme too, if they hadn’t sold out 10 minutes before kick-off. Oh well.

The Tunes:
BBC6 Music (Marc Riley / Gideon Coe)

BFC 0-0 Blackburn Rovers, Saturday 18th September 2021

‘His only mistake was in not starting Adeboyejo’

1 0 1 0 2 1 0 1 0. No, not some kind of binary code (nearly!) but the number of goals we’ve scored in games this season. Obviously the outlier (and Stu’s our statistics man) is the 2 goals we scored at QPR – does that mean we disregard that one as a fluke? Yes, I’d say so. 6 goals in 9 games. It’s simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH. It’s only our defence keeping us in it at the mo. Indeed. (quick look at league table, which I’ve been avoiding since we last won) we have 8 points from 8 league games…including a point for the heroics of Collins in midweek, and the only win this season coming courtesy of a last minute penalty save by the aforementioned. I don’t think we’re going to acknowledge we’re in s*** until we’re 16 points adrift with 5 games to play.

Whatever might be said about Big Val’s hoofball last season, at least there was a PLAN on how to score. All we have right now is the world’s most bizarre scientific experiment involving Oduor in a front 3. What was it Einstein said about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? At least Woodrow has pedigree, right? But since he’s barely scored a goal in open play in 2 years, when does ‘form’ become permanent? Once again, he spent 90 minutes trying desperately to get shots off which were never gonna go in, including a turn and twist 25 yard half volley in the 1st half. I can excuse the one where he was played in close to goal, wide right, 2nd half and he couldn’t wrap his foot around it cos, well, cos he’s a bit slow and cumbersome.

The other bloke in the front 3 was Iseka. I presume he’s one of them there Belgians we’ve been hanging our hopes on? Well, I’ll tell you how good he was, he was hooked at half time. On came Freezer, that other renowned goalscorer. Still, on rare occasions he stands still, you can at least admire his tattoos. In 90 minutes, the forwards engineered ONE chance, as Oduor ran through 3 or 4 of them and was so surprised at being clean through he delayed his shot till he was about 10 yards out…and missed the unmissable, somehow finding the keeper’s legs despite the custodian barely coming off his line. I’ve said before that I find Oduor running around being fast and tricky (but ultimately clueless) vaguely entertaining, but there’s no excuse for not being able to finish from there. Composure is something you simply can’t teach. You’re either cool in front of goal or your legs turn to absolute jelly and you find yourself praying the keeper will charge out, take you out…and you can let someone else take the pen (see: Stoke’s penalty on Wednesday).

The likeliest player on Satdy for us was Helik. In fact, after one gutbusting 50 yard run down the middle of the pitch, he was probably our best midfielder too. (This was 2 minutes after he’d had the ball and had a right shout at the players in front of him standing still). If a job’s worth doing, Michal… He had a header saved off a corner and another flick, so nearly into the far corner, missed the end of sub Victor’s boot by an inch. At least I know why centre forward Cauley is in the team – he can take a good corner. My God. He also had 2 powderpuff free kicks*, the first of which was clearly ideal for a left footer, but he waved Styles away. Quality captaincy. Someone I wish he COULD stop from having a shot is Brittain, who had his obligatory effort into the crowd (he will never score for BFC while I have a hole in my ar5e.)

* the 2nd was after Helik's 50 yard run was brought to a halt by a foul, the resultant freekick dribbling well wide after a deflection.

Inbetween, I thought Brittain had done alright in centre mid, along with Styles, quite busy and involved. So Schopp dragged Sibbick off at half time (no one knew why; the sheer hell of it?) and Brittain found himself right back (when he was there). Late on, he was tempted into charging forward for a loose ball, but wisely figured he wouldn’t get there, trotted back into defensive position…but a yard not far enough. The ball was played through, Brittain was beaten, and Collins rescued us again with a smart save on the near post. It was the minutest of mistakes, but it’s what separates the best from the rest. You have to be switched on to your job ALL THE TIME. Earlier Collins had saved a one on one when a peach of a through ball had sent Chilean international Brereton Dias (!) clean through.

Right, I’ll stop there. I’m almost thinking I’m making this game sound like a corker, which it plainly wasn’t. (1/5 in the Football League Paper). It had its moments, but the game was littered with mistakes. If we’re to stay up, it’s two points lost.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Helik. I’ve said it. Best defender, midfielder and forward we have. I think people are starting to take his interceptions, headers and tackles for granted, cos for the most part it was simply ‘his usual game’, but he’s so far ahead of anything else we have outside of a goalkeeper’s shirt, it’s frightening.
** Collins. What can I say? Perfection…but didn’t have owt to do apart from those 2 saves. 1 or 2 charges out of the box, but again, as per….
* Woodrow. I’ve had a real think about 3rd. I liked Styles and Brittain buzzing around, but after the tactical and personnel changes, they disappeared. If you took away Woodrow’s desperate attempts at scoring a goal, he led the line well….hang on, f*** it. Those free kicks are haunting me. I can’t really give him 3rd least worst Barnsley player on that pitch today, can I? To hell with it. * Brittain

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Helik 2. Collins 3. Woodrow

Official MOTM: Moon. Well, you have to give the young lads some encouragement, don’t you? (He had nothing to do; Helik did it all.)

Despatches:
Haven’t I said enough?
Iseka – carthorse
Hondermarck – carthorse
Halme – carthorse
Adeboyejo – carthorse
Cauley – errrr…..

I say let’s invest in a field and sow some crops cos we’ve got half the necessary equipment.

Oh, I’ll give you a despatch. As you might know, the Super Reds, having only had all summer to get season tickets working, have had to replace them all. So I updated my address to County Durham…and they STILL posted it to London. So they gave me another ST on Satdy…which (can you guess?) didn’t work on the turnstile. It was now 5 past 3 and the horrible man insisted on letting me in anyway, the ba5tard, ‘as it’s so close to kick-off’’. Errr…. So there’s my plans sorted for pre-match v Forest. I’ll stand in another queue to get my ST sorted. (ps, Loko, they didn’t have my card waiting for me on the ‘pick up tickets’ table. So much for me emailing them in advance.)

Drink du jour: A pint of Northern Monk pale ale. This really was the highlight of my day, savouring every last drop in the Old #7 while looking at pics of Mrs Reed’s gorgeous future abode. Oh, and how jealous I was, not having a train journey back to London to look forward to, with copious amounts of pain numbing alcohol to imbibe, good folks and the eternally optimistic telling me we’re heading for the play offs and if it wasn’t for the damn referee….(he was fine by the way).

Away: 1,647 (Att: 13,640) Very good. I’m not so sure about their taunts of ‘Your support is f***ing s***’ and ‘Is this a library?’ cos I’ve been to Ewood Park and if there’s one Championship stadium which makes Oakwell sound like a Boca Juniors-River Plate derby it’s….

The Damage: £3 programme c.£25 petrol = c.£28

The Tunes:
BBC 5live
BBC 6Music