This was an unexpected treat. Unsure of what, if any, away games I can go to this season, I chanced upon a midweek trip to Stoke with Molly and Loko in the charabanc. TAFKAL (The Artists Formerly Known as Londontykes) decided this was the chance to tick off another ground we’ve never seen the Super Reds, and no, we don’t ever have to come back. It’s bad enough that we were running late (my fault) but what is it with newbuilds? They’re in the middle of nowhere, and yet parking is completely inadequate. How do they expect fans to get there? The train station is 2 miles away. The surrounds appeared to be one big industrial estate, charmingly named after former Stoke City legends. Indeed, if a statue to Gordon Banks is anything to go by, we have Stoke to thank for England winning the World Cup. (Don’t let the fact he was a Leicester player at the time deter your thinking.)
Back to the car parking. We’d already given Molly a note: he was allowed to go to the stadium all by himself, cos he had his match ticket. Loko and I still had to pick ours up. All we had to do was park the car, but don’t bother expecting signs, or help. The car park by the ground was for people more important than us. ‘Try up there’ the stewardess pointed. We did, and 10 minutes later we were back to her. All the pop-up car parks were full, or gates locked. The biggest car park had been turned into a Covid test centre. Since when was Coronavirus more important than football? We tried another offshoot of a roundabout named after a former Stokie and got lucky….the last space in some firm’s car park, 6 quid. Good job they’re now second division and no longer fill the ground. How did car parking work when they played Man U, et al?
Now, where do we pick our tickets up from? Not at the turnstile, it seemed. We doubled back round the enclosure (think Birmingham City; remember, these barriers are to PROTECT us from angry locals, not to peeve us). So we were peeved. Went to the box office…no, our tickets are on the turnstile. Of course they are. Why don’t the stewards know these things? (That’s rhetorical, I’m not expecting an answer.) We went back to where we came from. Oh well, at least we haven’t missed a….OH F***. They’ve only gone and scored. We’re not even in the ground yet, but handily, we were far enough away (having had to walk round that fence again) that we got a perfect view of the big screen and an action reply. Who was that idiot centre half slicing the ball for a tap-in? (Helik; I was pleased it wasn’t one of our younger, less experienced players.)
Oh well. I expected a long night. We got in and grabbed the nearest seats to the gangway. Not a great view, but the chance to hear a couple of fans describe every single one of our players as a ‘c***’ during the next 20 minutes. All the way up till one of said ‘c***s’ equalised with a 25 yard free kick – welcome to the 2021-22 party, Cauley Woodrow! Actually, I thought it was further out, but I fancied Woodrow, I told Loko as much. Afterwards, when I said I told him so, Loko said he agreed with me. So, a piece of history there for anybody who knows us. (Normal service was resumed in the car later, when Molly described us as the ‘immovable c*** versus the irreversible c***’. There was a lot of Anglo-Saxon going on last night.)
For those with a better understanding of tictacs, we were apparently playing a ‘3-4-3 in possession, 5-4-1 without’. So that’ll be a 5-4-1 then. Or 1-0-0-0 as I saw it, Brad Collins versus Stoke City. If he’d been allowed further up the pitch, I’m convinced we would have won. Save after save he made and how we were getting to half time drawing, I know not. So Palmer undoes the good work in added time with a stupid little flick which is intercepted, and having had possession, our defence are out of position. One pass, they’re clean through and Collins races out. Was it a dive? Was it a foul? I have to say, in real time, I thought the ref had to give it, but I appreciate tellybox viewers saying it was a dive. With the Sky crew split between yes and no, you can hardly blame the ref for giving it. Or not giving it. But Brad makes a super save, being brave enough to stand still and tip the head high penalty off the bar and away. YOU F***ING REDS! I’m starting to enjoy this game.
2nd half was a much more open affair, with us trying to Arsenal it in by playing lots of intricate triangles on the edge of their box (much preferable to in our own box, as was last game I saw). Still though we only fashioned one really good chance, as Leon Brittain (?) fizzed a ball in from the right and Big Vic (on for the ineffective Iseka at HT) for some inescapable reason, tries to direct it in with his left thigh. What’s his right boot for? That said, Collins was peppered and made some incredible saves at the other end, invariably from a break where half our team were the wrong side of the ball. (That’s not a criticism, I liked that we were taking risks to try and win this game.)
Then, with 5 mins left, Stoke were down to 10, as Smith was sent off for having his studs raised in a tackle. It didn’t look much to me, and seeing it on replay, I have to say I think the ref got this one wrong. A yellow at best. How’s the guy MEANT to make a tackle? (Still, it juxtaposes nicely with the ludicrous Billing tackle last week, which was given as a yellow. Refs, eh!?) Things were turning fractious, and as Schopp prevented a Stoke counter by playing around with the ball as it left play, all hell broke loose. Coaches and diddymen from both sides piled into each other, with the result Stoke 2, Barnsley 1 – red cards on the coaching staff. The ref then couldn’t wait to blow for full time. Did he even play any added time?
Onwards and upwards!
*** Collins. Official Sky MOTM, and serenaded by the away support at full-time, ‘Super, Super Brad…’ Though what really impressed me were the heartfelt congrats he got from 2nd choice Walton at full-time. Our reserve keeper is a better man than me. (I’d have congratulated Collins last match, when he fumbled one in.)
** Styles. While everyone else stands still, Styles actually moves for the ball, and is the only player (bar Oduor!) capable of beating a player. His burst from midfield gained the foul from which Cauley scored. (Oh, and you can add a Collins assist, his long punt out wide allowed Cauley to chest it down rather than be bullied out of it.)
* Woodrow. I’m not as confident as some that he had a good game. Couldn’t win a header, runs through treacle, collapses (again) following weekly ritual of centre half using him as a punch bag….but scored a cracker.
Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Collins 2. Woodrow 3. Styles
Despatches:
Came out the ground to be met by a Stokie with open arms…’Come on Barnsley…do you want….a hug?’ He looked neither gracious or cuddly and his menacingly baffling antics continued as he walked behind us, telling the young lad with him (presumably his son) that we should be put in prison….Stoke had been raped. As I said, we don’t have to come back.
I’d like to give my usual resounding judgement on players I’ve only seen for 45 minutes or less (Iseka, Gomes, Hondermarck) but in truth I’d never heard of any them, lesser still noticed them on the pitch. Sorry. Big Vic came on and caused carnage…for 10 minutes. One burst through past 2 defenders was reminiscent of Brooce Dire at Brum…tho Stoke had an extra defender on the cover. Sibbick impressed me with some cover at our end, inbetween being nowhere to be seen. And Freezer? I heard he had a couple of early chances, but otherwise looked way out of his depth, and easily outpaced every time he chased a ball. (I am amazed to learn, on checking, that he played the full 90 minutes.)
Big thanks to Loko for driving (I left my car at his place) as well as Molly for the chit chat. Nevermind the football, I miss talking drivel with my mates about the likes of Dan Crowley, flatpack stadia* and the fanbase of sides from the Potteries.
*Why are Stoke’s changing rooms in some cheap looking secondary school gymnasium looking building in one corner? Did they forget to include them in the plans for the ground?
Meal du jour: A can of coke, in my very own freezer bag. And some rather delicious ham and pease pudding sandwiches, topped by Opal Fruits and a Tunnocks Caramel Wafer. The evening meal of champions.
Away: c.700 (Att: 17,832)
The Damage:
£25 ent
c.£25 petrol
= c.£50
The Tunes:
The Race for Space (Public Service Broadcasting)
The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Taste (Ministry)
Tragic Kingdom (No Doubt)
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