Worksop Town 2-1 Ashton United, Tuesday 29th April 2025

Worksop Town 2-1 Ashton United, Northern Premier League Premier Division Play-off semi-final, Sandy Lane, att. 1,756

With the official Northern Premier League season over, it’s now the play-offs. I’ve the choice of Stocksbridge or Worksop tonite. I’ve been eyeing Worksop all season and they’re playing Ashton United. Does Kev fancy it? He lives in Ashton (under Lyne) and besides, the winners may end up playing his side Darlington. Yes, he’s in. Stocksbridge will have to wait (a shame, actually, as their Northern Premier League East play-off garners a crowd of 953, or about 4 times their usual).

Kev drives the 20 or so minutes to mine and I’ll drive the hour and half to Worksop. He could’ve gone on the Ashton supporters’ coach. It’s an uneventful journey and Satnav Kev gets us to the ground in time enough to find a space in a nearby housing estate 10 minutes’ walk away. The ground itself is busy, a long queue forming outside. It’s half an hour to kick-off, an aeon in my terms. The programmes are sold out. Of course they are. Oddly, we’re channelled through the main building while the adjacent turnstiles remain closed.

Security don’t let us through the internal door into the social club – but the toilet’s down this corridor. He lets me go to the toilet, provided I don’t then slip into the social club. All becomes apparent when we go outside and find the social club queue stretching outside the main door into the ground and virtually to the corner flag. We stand in it till kick-off and barely move. I’m not that bothered about a pint, but am quite willing to let Kev stand there while I crane a neck for a view. It’s packed.

The social club is at one end, and beside it there’s a small covered terrace. Inbetween the terrace and an adjacent small, modern stand towards the corner flag is the tunnel. I see no gaps over here, so, when Kev magically re-appears 25 minutes into the match with an average pint of lager each, we head clockwise to the far end, where there looks to be some, not much, space.

There’s flat standing by the corner flag, leading along the touchline to the main stand, maybe 5 rows of seats that stretch two-thirds the way either side of the halfway line. If there aren’t enough fractions for you there. The stand is full of stanchions, yet doesn’t look all that old. Indeed, the ground as a whole is disappointing. For such a historic non-league side, with excellent gates (700+ even in the 7th tier), I expected more. Nevermind the shenanighans of getting a beer. A plastic pitch doesn’t help either.

We walk down the front of the stand. At the far end there’s a little more flat standing. At the far end, there’s a small stand the width of the pitch. Our hopes are pinned on this, yet when we get there, it turns out there’s ONE step of terracing. What’s the point??? There’s enough space for half a dozen steps. We force our way through the yoof to the other side of the goal, where we can finally get a decent view of the action.

Kev, always on the lookout for ex-Darlo, points out the Worksop centre forward, Laim Hughes, a beast of a specimen, with the tattoos to match. Turns out the last he was heard of in Darlo was when a coke deal went wrong. He never did get much chance to make an impression in the north-east (beyond the local crime scene) but smashes in the opener here, right in front of us.

Half-time arrives and with Worksop kicking the other way, we manage to gain some space, as the home fans decide to squeeze into the opposite, packed end, to be replaced by 20 or so vociferous Ashton fans. And virtually on the hour Ashton equalise, a bullet header sending the hordes into raptures. United have been more in the game this half, but it still comes as a surprise. What will happen if it’s a draw? Penalties? Extra-time?

We don’t find out. Sadly, favourites Worksop bag another goal on 76 to win the game and gain home advantage in the play-off final (which would have been against Stockton, but after beating Guiseley they were disqualified for playing an ineligible player…who they thought was eligible – sent off on the last day of the season, they didn’t think his ban kicked in till a week later. Careless.)

And the highlight? That was yet to come. Driving out of the housing estate, I had to stop to let someone cross the road. A hedgehog. I LOVE hedgehogs!

The Damage:
£13 ent
= £13

BFC 1-2 Shrewsbury Town, Saturday 26th April 2026

‘Embarrassing.’

THANK GOD THAT’S ALL OVER. Another season of absolute woeful underachievement at Fortress Oakwell in Division 3. Did we save the worst till last? Certainly the worst scoreline, losing to bottom of the table and already relegated Shrewsbury Town, and quite deserved in my humble opinion. (My opinion is never humble. It is correct.) They were without a win in 15 (4 draws) but, like Mansfield (without a win in 14 till they played us) turned us over with comparative ease.

Coach Conor’s selection shuffle this week has Cotter in, playing left midfield. Of course he is. And he’s probably our most dangerous player, as he curls in two magnificent crosses for nobody to get on the end of, as well as smashing one off the post towards half-time, and skewing another one wide, off balance. Still, he has to cut inside for said crosses, cos GUESS WHAT? He’s right footed. We can’t utilise his pace and get him to whip a ball in with his left foot COS HE CAN’T. 2nd half, he plays down our right, so anyway, I can’t complain, we had a whole Bazza in front of us on the east side this match (we attacked the Ponty 1st half).

Was it a back 4, 1st half? Bland, Roberts, MdG and Earl. Where was Lambrusco playing? Floating around Bland, somewhere. Connell retained his place, as the lynchpin of the side (of course he did) with Phillips, DKD and Russell floating around in attack. We have an early let-off, as the Shrews have one chalked off for offside. A backpost tap-in, the scorer had no excuse, he could see all along the line. Careless. I think they go ahead while I’m still enjoying this failure.

Earl is outthought and outfought as he allows a crossfield ball to find their winger, who, sensing Earl is too close, knocks it past him, runs onto it (via a half-hearted tussle) before laying it across goal for another simple tap-in. It is so EASY. Why don’t we do what every other defender in the land does, and simply obstruct the runner? Didn’t Earl concede the same goal at Stockport? Is he simply incapable of turning and running? (That’s rhetorical, don’t bother riling me with a reply.) ‘How s*** must you be, we’re winning away’ is the chant from the away end. Very.

Our best chance meantime falls to Roberts, somewhere around the penalty spot and he carefully sidefoots it over the bar. Cotter also has a penalty appeal turned down, as is tradition. Was he caught? Did he dive? Does he fall over wrongly? I don’t know. I know HE thought it was a pen. He’d certainly skinned their player. And then there was the rasper from Connell, expertly tipped over by the goalkeeper for a goalkick. (Everyone in the ground bar the ref saw the save. Oh well.)

Another stern half-time talking to brings the Reds out...exactly the same. Is this a friendly? I expect more from the Gleeson Homes v Shropshire Homes rivalry (the shirt sponsors, if you weren’t there, and, let’s be honest, not many of you were). Max Watters has come on for Lambrini. Excellent! We were missing someone useless up front. The Hapless One manages to head a ball BACKWARDS from a 3 yards out open goal (trying to snap up a rebound after a Phillips shot). He’s not crap, he’s just a very naughty boy.

Gauci manages a wonder save from a corner before the worst team in the division go two goals up. (I mean Shrewsbury, not us, although...) We thought we’d cleared the corner (we had!) but they regain possession on the halfway line and one of them Shrews (difficult to see, bearing in mind their size) has the temerity to make a run behind Roberts, who’s obviously still congratulating himself on the defensive header. The Nocturnal One (shrews are norturnal, right? Otherwise this doesn’t work) runs onto it and has the simple task of squaring it for another tap-in. Have a look at the TV replay – Roberts simply has NO CLUE about the run-in behind him.

And there it is, game over, season over, but 23 more minutes to endure. (Please don’t add any injury time.) Russell tries to make it interesting, coolly slotting in a scramble, but it’s too little, too late. The ref adds 4 mins at the end, enough time for sub Nwakali to drag one wide. After that, I’m off. Technically, before the final whistle (tho it’s due). I just can’t be there to witness whatever doesn’t come next. No pitch invasion, (I heard), an 85th minute PA warning telling us we’d get be prosecuted altered a minute later to say ‘probably.’ If I was in the lower tier, I’d have been tempted to test them. What is there to lose?

Onwards and upwards!

*** Cotter. Got forward, hit the post, delivered at least 2 peachy crosses into the box (nobody there), and had possibly the worst shot this season (a 25 yarder skewed high and wide into the away end.*
** Russell. Like DKD, looks better the more the team gets worse.
* DKD. Not one, not two, but THREE dummies. To go with the other 10 in our team. (Problem with DKD dummying it for another Red is that the ball goes to another Red, rather than DKD. He hasn’t thought this one through.)

*is it the away end if there’s no away fans there? (The Shrews were the other side of the netting.)

Official MOTM: Bland.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Cotter 2= Bland / Russell

Despatches:
In a clear case of nominative determinism, Bland had a particularly dull game (so he was named MOTM, to mystified reaction from the East Upper). With nothing better to do, I spent the second half particularly eagle-eyeing our latest right back. I think he spent the entire 45 on the halfway line, receiving a ball, being faced down by a member of the opposition, then squaring it 8 yards or backwards to a free Red. Never once taking a risk, never once going forward. Yet even some Londontykes felt him worthy of a top 3 position. Did we also not concede 2 (couda been more) against the WORST side in the division? What was I missing? No, seriously, what was I missing?

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. Terrible match, lacklustre season. Roberts and Hourihane were both interviewed on Radio Sheffield and mentioned the ‘E’ word. I’d add an ‘S’ word (not that one). Shambles. We entered January in the top 4 needing to strengthen up front. Any centre forward would do – he’d have to be better than Max Watters. We got Clement Rodrigues. The defence? Nobody commands the area, let alone organises the others into a cohesive unit. Isn’t that why we got Roberts back? Bit of experience? Meantime, we replace Cadden with a Gent and the lesson costs us 200k and makes us WORSE on the left. Other losses include Herbie Kane (replaced by the equally immobile Connell, who himself is replace further up by Russell, one of the few success stories.) Some might also argue we missed Devante Cole up front. Did he score 1 or 2 after January last season? (It’s still 1 or 2, by the way, arf arf.) No, our main problem is players who were here last season have underachieved. Phillips, MdG, O’Keeffe, Connell...etc etc. You know it’s bad when our main source of entertainment (and not in an ironic way) is Barry Cotter. And thank goodness for DKD. It was nice of him to pop in this season on the way to somewhere better. Good luck, Davis. Or is it Keilor!?

Oh, and it’s 28 years to the day that we celebrated promotion to the Prem. ’We’re so far away from that, it’s untrue’. Hourihane got that right, at least.

Drink du jour: North Atlantis session IPA in Spiral. Very nice.

Away: 379 (today’s ‘pretendance’ – thanks Kieron Maguire on ‘The Price of Football - 11,159). Well done for the turnout, though to those chanting ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’ I’ve good news: you won’t have to come next season, you’re in a different division.

The Damage:
c.£7 petrol
£4 prog
= £11

*Still not feeling great, I’d planned on getting the train in. Engineering works meant rail replacements and, not feeling well, the last thing I needed was rail replacement buses.

BFC 1-1 Peterborough United, Monday 21st April 2025

‘I wish the commentators would stop saying Barnsley ‘bursting forward’ as we amble slowly into the opposition half.’

It took A. Reed to sum it up best with the above quote from Lanzarote (why ruin your hols watching THIS?) If we attacked with any less gusto we’d be going backwards. But it’s ok, cos Jonesy’s seen some improvement. Arguably so. Humphreys has started looking like an attacker. Jalo has been given a run. So the draws and defeats aren’t quite as boring as they were earlier in the season, but the results are the same. That’s 1 win in 7 for Coach Conor, including home games against such luminaries as Cambridge, Exeter and Posh.

I’m more concerned at the other end. There’s holes all over the place in defence, especially if (when) we lose it in midfield. The midfield? What are they FOR? Tippy-tappying it in triangles, or rectangles, before playing a safe ball back to a defender. It’s no-risk football, which somehow we mess up and find ourselves in a 3 on 3 pickle. Again, and again, and again. It’s a good job this is a friendly and Posh are equally unarsed (is that a word? It is now!)

It didn’t help that I felt like a dog. A very sick dog. Coming up from London, I toyed with the idea of just going home. Perhaps if Sarah hadn’t suggested I give the game a miss, I’d have given the game a miss. ‘But I’ve paid for it.’ Besides, I might miss something. (Not a thought I had, half an hour in, as I stared through the gloom at Reds 0, Posh 1.) And you know what? I DID see something (positive) I’d have missed if I’d took the easy option. Russell’s equaliser, in first half injury time, is a thing of beauty. DKD rolls it backwards with his studs and Russell knows what he’s about to do 5 minutes before he does it, and directs a sumptuous curler into the far top corner from the apex of the penalty area.

Earlier, we’d gone one down to a quick break. Once again our defence seemed overran. Where IS everybody? Why’s there more of them than us? Still, it’s a smart finish from their guy, low into the far corner. Previously, Phillips had had a daisy cutter of his own tipped onto the post. There’s the difference right there. Goalkeepers. Some save them, ours don’t.

Ah, goalkeepers. Coach Conor has rung the changes today. Gauci is in for Falafel. An on-loan player in for a permanent player coming to the end of his contract. I can but deduce that we’re after Gauci and Falafel is on his way (though we could keep him on for about 100 quid/week, I suspect). MdG is back (woo hoo!) and McCarthy has been disappeared. Humphreys is out too, not even on the bench, but given recent performances, surely that’s an injury. And with a wealth of right back talent to call upon, he gives Lambrusco a trot out. Oh, and Cotter gets a start, albeit at left wing back. Cos that’s where you play right backs if you’re Barnsley FC.

We do create the odd chance. I think DKD cleared the bar with a couple of efforts caught on the bounce. But when our best dribbler is a 6 foot 4 midfielder of no pace whatsoever, you’re not going far. (Well, you might go far, but it’ll take you a while to get there.) I spent most of the second half wondering how much injury time there’d be, given that I was going bang on the 90 to get the train. (Spending another hour in the Barnsley drizzle would’ve broken me.) So, naturally, it was about the longest of the season, 10 minutes. Injuries to Jalo (who will rid me of this turbulent injury prone prodigy?) and, bizarrely, the linesman, meant I missed a good portion of the match, yet missed nowt. How does that work?

Hang on in there, the season will soon be done...

Onwards and upwards!

*** Russell. A couple of dribbles and a wonder finish.
** DKD. Below par, but, like Obi Wan Kenobi, ‘you are my only hope’.
* Phillips. Looked promising in fits and starts, a couple of shots.

Official MOTM: No idea. I heard it (I think) but I’ve no idea. Did I tell you I was sick? (It was Russell.)

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Russell 2. Earl 3= DKD / Roberts

Despatches:
I bumped into Darrell (BARNSLEY’S LOUDEST MAN) at half-time. ‘Connell is the gashest f***ing player I’ve seen in my whole f***ing life.’ It was great to hear such a sweary rant. Not simply cos I agreed with every word he said, but cos he evoked the ghost of Gerry, R.I.P. (‘Robin Ba*tard Van Der F**ing Lard’). One advantage of death is that you don’t have to watch this rubbish any longer. But what if you’re a believer? It must be the very definition of purgatory to be forced to look down and watch Barnsley FC forever.

Back to Connell, though. He took out their player 1st half so cynically he could write for Private Eye. Then the ref gives him a minute before deciding it’s a yellow. (Win-win, either way.) Jalo? The new Benson. Or the old Benson. I can’t remember who started this ‘let’s be forever injured and pick up our pay cheque’ thing 1st. Given their injury woes, I can’t decide if our physios should have their pay DOUBLED (so much work!) or HALVED (whatever they’re doing, it’s not working.) Carried off on a stretcher yesterday after an innocuous challenge...which the ref deemed as a foul BY Jalo. (I’ll leave that one for Jonesy, I’m under qualified to speak on officiating matters.)

Only two games to go...

Xg: 0.64 v 0.7. A classic.

Drink du jour: A flat white in Coffee Boy, feeling very, very sorry for myself.

Away: 653 (11,049). I clocked it at 2 minutes 37 seconds for the 1st round of ‘your support is f***ing s***.’ It is, mind. And for ’11,049’ try ‘7,049’, if that.

The Damage:
£9.50 train
= £9.50

...nearly there...

Leyton Orient 4-3 BFC, Friday 18th April 2025

‘We need to get back on the water melon vapes at half-time.’

We were all over the place, the left leg not knowing what the right leg was doing. Organisation was pitiful, on field leadership was minimal and the managerial decision-making poor at best. But that’s enough about the Londontykes. We also lost a football match.

Yes, Nice Guy Chris kindly took it upon himself to organise a p*** up in a brewery pub. The Leyton Engineer, half 12. Easy peasy. I rocked up just before, 1st one there (I thought). I must have had a nasty feeling, as I buttoned my coat up before the door. Sure enough. ‘HOME ONLY’. Why? I’ve lived in Leyton for the best part of 10 years and never known it. ‘Do you have a ticket for the home end?’ enquired the bouncer. ‘Eh? No.’ ‘Do you have a ticket for the game?’ ‘What game? I’m not going to the game’ ‘Oh. Ok then...Boss, what if someone’s not going to the game?’ Obviously, they hadn’t thought that could be a possibility. (I know I shouldn’t be lying, but I was kinda hoping God would be busy, this being Easter Friday and all.)

So I got in, and WhatsApp’ed the crew. Slacki, Rhys, Alison, Farnham and Big Jim all got in ok. Indeed, there was a fair smattering of other Reds fans in there too. However, Jonesy, all liveried up in Reds gear was denied entry. Accompanying a minor (Jude) makes no difference to a man who takes pride in his job. By now Chris had replied. ‘We’re in a completely different pub having our dinner, thank you very much.’ I’m alright, Jack. I put Jonesy onto the Northcote Arms, another local with a ‘NO AWAY FANS’ poster up, but no bouncer. I went and joined him for a snifter, despite my beer in the Engineer (nee Leyton Technical) possibly being the best I had all season. I’m a martyr, me. (Tis the weekend for it.) In fact, I had two pints, and bucking the trend of diminishing returns, I enjoyed both equally.

My main worry was actually getting my backpack into the ground. I was staying down here for 3 days and needed to get my toiletries and underwear past passport control. As it was, the Orient stewards were well chilled, though not chilled enough to let Lord S put the flag up. ‘Too big.’ (I had thought, at least if they don’t let me in, I will maintain my unbeaten record at Orient, a thought that came back on me as the damn collapsed 2nd half.)

We went 2 goals up within 20 minutes. It’s easy this. Humphreys scrambles in a corner for the opener. Then he scores again, though it looked way offside (even Farnham said so!) but it was a nice finish, slamming in a volley. Anyone would be thinking he’s playing for a new contract. Half-time, two goals to the good, what can go wrong? Well, the warning was there just before HT as they clear an attack...and if he wins the flick-on on the halfway line, they’re clean through. He wins the flick-on, Orient run clean through, but the finish is off the post. HOW ARE WE 1 V 2 ON THE HALFWAY LINE FROM OUR OWN CORNER????

Half-time is grovelling time, as Chris looked so sheepish he could have been wandering around the Pennines being corralled by a black and white dog. (It’s ok, Chris, we’d have chosen the Engineer for ourselves, especially since last season’s craft ale place didn’t open till 2.)

The teams come out and the O’s RUN RIOT. Plus ca change. We’ve sacked Coach Clarke and 6 or so games in under Coach Conor we are EXACTLY THE SAME. 1st half, we have conceded the 2nd LEAST in the division (17), 2nd half, we have conceded the MOST in the LEAGUE (51). Ironically, we hold out till the 51st minute, so that’s 6 minutes of the second half. Weak. From memory, a soft shot across the keeper finds the far corner. Falafel really isn’t very good. That’s why he’s our 5th choice.

Orient pile the pressure on. Coach Conor makes changes doesn’t do a thing. Save for crossing his fingers and hoping for the best. We have a break, it’s DKD v the world (cos no-one else has the belief to join in). He beats the defender on the byeline, cuts back and rockets it high into the net. Superb, and in the week he’s been nominated for League 1 POTY.

Normal service resumes. They are ALL OVER US. Coach Conor makes a few tactical tweaks does FA and we concede a weak 2nd. Earl and McCarthy stand and stare at their right winger, allowing him to put the perfect low cross inbetween Roberts and Falafel for a tap-in. Why don’t we do that? But here we go! Conor brings on Lambrusco for MOTM Humphreys. Go Conor! We concede two more within 3 minutes. Jalo gives the ball away on the touchline and they are 3 on 3. It’s all too easy, as they scuff it into the net surrounded by defenders. Then a corner lands in our box without a head on it, carnage ensues and another bobbled effort goes in. We are kings of the soft goal (conceded).

Coach Conor LEAPS into action. He throws another right back on, Cotter. That’s 3 on the pitch. Then he drags Bland off, so that’s one less right back. Oh no it isn’t! On trots O’Keeffe. And Benson. So that’s half the outfield team made up of players who’ve played right back for us this season. Incredibly, we fail to threaten. We have gone from 3-1 up to 3-4 down in the space of 10 minutes. I’m almost pleased that we’ve found a new and exciting way to lose a football match. And my Orient record is ruined. And the good news? Coach Conor has been given the job permanent. Of course he has.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Humphreys. Scored two, had another saved. Won us the game. Oh.
** DKD. He’s wasted at Oakwell. How much will Sunderland (presuming they don’t go up) or someone offer for him in the summer?
* No-one. Absolute garbage.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Humphreys 2. DKD 3. No-one / Connell

Despatches:
I’m gonna start with Jalo. Hapless on Friday, it doesn’t take long to realise whether he’s on it, or not, whether it’s the kind of game for him, or not. Coach Conor coulda hauled him after 10 minutes. Instead, waited till we were beat. Falafel barely made a save. (DID he make a save?) Earl and McCarthy were soft as owt, always letting them have the ball. I didn’t really notice Roberts but if you see their goals, they were all catastrophes for our defence...and Roberts is (allegedly) the key man in defence. Connell was his usual self, 1 or 2 atrocious passes that went out for throw-ins. Any chance of getting shut? Phillips and Russell also played. Allegedly.

As for Leyton, what to do next season? Don’t these ‘home fans only’ pubs realise that those wearing colours are NOT the problem? Do we email the Engineer next year and get special dispensation? Or call up the craft ale place and get them to open early (as we did at Stevenage one year)? Course, I’m presuming they won’t win the play-offs. Our defeat puts them in the last play-off place. Leyton Orient. (Good luck to em.)

XG? 2.28 v 1.64. Suffice to say our goalkeeper is conceding more than he ought.

Afterwards, I had time for a quick beer before meeting up with Sarah and we (Jim, Farnham and James from Diss) went back to the Engineer (bouncers still there) and enjoyed a beer with some Orient fans. Anyway, they have my number. Maybe they’ll come to Oakwell next season (HOME ONLY).

Drink du jour: The Five Points Jupa in the Engineer, Cowcatcher American Pale Ale in the Northcote Arms

Away: c.700. ‘3-1 and you facked it up’ from their support. ‘Only sing when you’re winning’ from ours. And guess who stopped singing when they were no longer winning?

The Damage:
£30 ent
c.£50 train
£3.50 prog
= c. £83.50