Yeovil 1-4 Barnsley, Saturday 29th March 2014

‘The Casting Couch’ (R.I.P. Loko)

Sarah thinks it’s the new ties on the Londontykes flag (which she sewed).  Two games, two wins.  Phil thinks it’s buying me a match programme – which he has done for Forest home, Reading and Yeovil away.  Three wins in three games.  Maybe it’s Andy Reed missing games?  (Last two).  Some have suggested a correlation between Jacob Ba5tard Fcuking Mellis being absent from our midfield.  Others suggest it’s these new tactics of D. Wilson esq, which actually have us in the opposition’s half of the field, scoring some goals.  Whatever, who cares…we’re FLYING! 

Does it get any better than this?  From the barmaid at the 1^st pub, to the journey back to Londontown, this was a day to savour.  In what is comfortably the best week of the season, we record not one, but two consecutive away wins – having previously had the worst away record in the division!  I’m loving it (loving it loving it).  To the surprise of all, Selwood is even at Waterloo, waiting for us, as we get the 09:20 – just like BFC (no hassle / Hassell).  At Yeovil we hop in a 7 seater (perfick!) and head into town.  Great 1^st boozer (see ‘barmaid’) but no-one else there, so off we pitch to another one.  Naturally, the ‘pub crawl’ begins and ends at the Wetherspoons, as we bump into various odds and sods (Neil!) including the Courthouse Reds, sporting a variety of oompah loompas (sp?) and tellytubbies for some reason.  Time for one more pub, the Elephant and Castle – but it’s been closed for 37 years according to the plaque.  So as 3 of us crawl back to Wetherspoons, the 3 who’d YET TO GET A ROUND IN disappear.  Yes, Loko, Salisbury and Selwood – I mean YOU.

The Family Crainie (plus Londontyke).  And he's not even playing!

The ground is barely closer to the town centre than the railway station, so it’s taxi time again to the ground.  Get there in perfect time, about 2 mins before KO.  Phil spends the half looking for a programme seller, convinced we’ll not win if he doesn’t buy me one.  (I must admit, I’m liking this ritual).  Did I mention how glorious the weather was?  Open terrace, beautiful sunshine.  Honestly, I could get used to this.  Get in ground and some kind souls have even left a space for the flag.  800 Reds fans are there to see the latest slaying.  (Apparently, about 23 tickets had been sold BEFORE we beat Reading).

2 Reds fans celebrate finding the ground

1^st half – errr….can’t remember much.  They had a fantastic one touch move from a free kick ending in Steele making a(nother) world class save.  He’s come bang into form at the right time.  Apart from that, neither threatened.  A cagey affair.

2^nd half – f*** me.  I think it’s fair to say we never missed a chance, as we racked up 4, conceding one.  O’G opens it up, lobbing the keeper from an underheaded backpass.  The fool.  Lawrence makes it two-nil.  (This may be the one where we win the ball back by Noble-Lazarus chasing back: Mellis, are you reading this?).  It was getting a bit boring by now, so we throw them a bone and they hit a crisp shot from an unmarked bod on the backpost.  But these Barnsley Boys don’t even give us time to worry: O’G runs clear and rounds the keeper (1-3) before Jennings hits another belter for 4-1.  I am hugging a teletubby.

Celebrity Reds' fans (plus Gorilla)

*** Tonight Matthew, I’m going with goalscorers.  So it’s O’G – gorgeous finishes to match his gorgeous looks (!).
** Jennings.  Another ‘typical’ Jennings performance.  As in ‘typical of him since he came back from loan’. 
* Lawrence.  Gets better and better.

Despatches:
You know you’ve lost it when you’re arguing with Dipsy and Tinky Winky, but that’s what we had as an irate Yeovil fan left the ground before the end.  Eh Oh!!!!!!!!

Jean-Yves.  In what must be the most backhanded compliment of a song, we had ‘Hard to believe it you know…you’ll never beat M’Voto’.  Another awesome game.  (Later on, were the words changed to ‘He’s magic you know’?  I can’t remember)  Anyway, he appears to be ‘Doing a Darren’ (Moore).

We were fabulous, from back to front.  Well, if you include once Pedersen had gone off (injured) after 24 mins.  Sorely missed?  Never noticed him.  Replaced by Noble-Lazarus.  (Add that to your ‘reasons we’ve won the last 2 matches’.)

After lots of crowing, we finally left the ground, got the beers in at the supermarket (I’m telling youse that WAS Kennedy!) and taxied it back to the station for the train.  Where I necked 2 bottles of red, and after another guzzle at The Hole in the Wall, I fell asleep on the bus and ended up in Dulwich. Perfick!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alcohol does this to you...

We’re still going down, but finally, finally, the Reds are putting up a fight.  It’s all I ask.

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A

Reading 1-3 Barnsley, Tuesday 25th March 2014

‘Back From the Dead’

You Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who are these people who forego the chance of a Tuesday nite trip to Reading based on nothing more than us being s*** all season??? The Midweek Massive (all 187 of ‘em!) get their just desserts as we crush the Royals with a couple of unbelievable goals.  Mind, in our predicament, I guess any goals are ‘unbelievable’, but wow, you shoulda seen the belters from RNL and Jennings!

Everyone's favourite Australian feels at home

Bad news early doors as I’m met at the turnstyle to be told it’s 30 bloody quids.  Had I known this, I wouldn’t have bothered.  Especially when I learnt it was a fiver cheaper had I bought it in advance, like I coulda done at Oakwell on Satdy.  Why does no-one tell me these things!!??  Do you honestly think I have the time to be trawling round t’interweb and BFC’s ticketing page?  Booooo.  Still, I’m there now.  When you’ve reached the Madjeski and you’re miles out of Reading, nevermind London, what choice do you have??  Even the buses won’t be going back till after the game.  It was a decision I didn’t regret.

I’m greeted by friendly, chatty stewards, who also found the 30 smackeroonies a tad over the top (my ticket said ‘max. price £30' – why couldn’t I pay the MINIMUM price?)  On entering though, what a world of difference to your average 2^nd division experience.  They’ve only gone and got themselves BFC ‘highlights’ on their concourse screens.  And it really is highlights, as most of our goals (not many) are on there and most of the opposition’s (a lot) weren’t. Great editing, RFC!  The bar staff meantime are all wearing snazzy red shirts with ‘Grove St, S71, Yorkshire’ emblazoned across them.  (the staff had to hand these back every game and were told that they ‘couldn’t part with them for less than 20 quid’).  Another steward held a sign up pointing to a smoking area – what will Reds fans DO, not having to have a fag in the toilets?  And signs everywhere saying ‘Reading FC welcomes…’ followed by colour prints of our badge. These boys really make an effort.  And the steak and ale pies (£3.20) were truly glorious – but Tickle wouldn’t know, cos I got the last one!

I want one!

BFC highlights (there are any???)

Really, you're TOO nice.

Of course, all that is merely decoration, when we’re about to be stuffed by a side chasing the play-offs.  Wilson’s made changes though and Etuhu (‘I remember him, he used to play for Barnsley’) is in at right back for the Hapless Hunt (alliteration and rhyming slang all in one phrase – I thank you), while Reuben Noble-Lazarus makes another attempt at resurrecting his career from the bench.  Let play commence!

The legends come out

Reading looked a good side, very fast on the attack and slick interplay.  So it was with some comfort that we had a right back who could turn and chase at pace and didn’t get caught upfield.  And despite M’Voto’s obvious immobility, he generally stood in the right place, made some crunching tackles and won every header.  And through all this we had a midfield attempting to pass the ball to each other.  It was all quite the novelty.  Still, it was a surprise to go ahead. Being at the other end, I’m not sure what went right, but O’Grady found himself wide left in the box, with the keeper bearing down on him.  Dawson steamed (jogged) into the penalty area, O’G passed him the ball and he drove home.  REF!  Blow your whistle now!  Full time!  Only 74 more minutes to hang on.

Reading needn’t have panicked.  Within a few minutes they were back level, due to the worst penalty decision I’ve seen for years.  That Cheating Ba5tard Russian (I can’t spell his name…Pogrebnyak?) went one-on-one with Etuhu, they went shoulder to shoulder and the CBR just threw himself to the floor. Never have I seen such a big bloke go down like the proverbial sack of s*** since THAT penalty Dion Dublin got to beat us in the last minute at Cov in the Premiership (and look where THEY are now – karma!)  I’d love to have justified the ref’s decision, just to annoy Andy Reed, but a) it was awful and b) Andy wasn’t there.  We have to EARN the right to bag a goal and yet the opposition just get handed them on a plate.  At least it wasn’t our defence serving it up this time.  CBR nonchalantly drilled it home to Steele’s bottom left, Steele nonchalantly dived bottom right.

That’s it, our dreams shattered in minutes.  No chance now.  Reading pressed, but we held our own.  But we didn’t simply sit in our half (that made a change).  We tried taking it to ‘em.  However, there were few chances and the Super Reds were applauded off at half time, job well done.

2^nd half and we came out BLAZING.  RNL came on for Pedersen (it took me till about the 80^th minute to realise Pedersen was the one who’d gone off, such is his general anonymity).  And lo and behold!   ‘Lazarus back from the dead to save Reds’ headlines at the ready as a quick break means 2 on 2 and RNL picks it up wide right.  He could get a shot off 1^st time (if he had a right foot) but he doesn’t.  So he cuts inside and curls a SWEET effort into the far top corner from 20 yards.  Pure class.  You could tell he meant it, all the way.  Pedersen – just slink off back to Norway.  Or the Netherlands, or wherever you came from.  THAT is how it’s done.  The fans go berserk – except for the Family Rogers, who are somewhere under the stand tending to the lucky mascot (Ben) who has somehow scalded himself with Bovril.  I call it natural selection.  (Hope he's ok now!)

12 minutes into the half and Jennings breaks on the left.  He cuts inside slightly and unleashes a FEROCIOUS drive into the top corner, right in front of us. Even as it hit the net, I’m still convinced it was side netting.  I thought only Polish Tom could hit a ball like this for us.  An absolute blinder, even better than his goal against Forest t’other week.  YOU REDSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then we comfortably see out the game, like we never can.  Reading threatened once, an absolute ‘worldy’ from Steele tipping over a header, and that was it.  Not even the obligatory consolation to make it nervous.  I could get used to this.  Best 30 quids I’ve spent in a while!

Get in!

For MOTM, I’m really spoilt, so I’m gonna give credit where it’s due to one or two players I’ve previously not been impressed with, who really put in a  shift tonite.  (No Mellis, that’s NOT you).

*** Lawrence.  Actually looked like a player tonite, running our midfield, both in attack and defence, before understandably tiring and being subbed.

** Etuhu.  I’ve already said it – a right back who can tackle, chase back at pace and doesn’t go wandering upfield losing the ball and being out of position. Imagine!  Just a shame he got done for a penalty by simply running next to that CBR.

* M’Voto.  While it was his awfulness which led to their goal (did he miss the ball, or pass it back, I can’t remember) he won everything thereafter.  And we all like a Big Bad Centre Half sliding in on the touchline and putting ball and man out of play.  Go Jean-Yves!

And there it was.  Got a lift back with Dave (result!) so no schlep to Reading station, and a final, fond, farewell (Cobber) to Mr Tickle – who came, saw (4 games) and conquered (twice).  As many victories as the rest of us had seen in months.  He doesn’t know what the fuss is about!

COME ON YOU REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A

ps, (Slacki) in the cold harsh light of day, would you like to e-mail us your convoluted joke that you told me last night?  Or is it best forgotten?

Barnsley 0-1 Bournemouth, Saturday 22nd March 2014

‘Enjoy your weekend’

‘Enjoy your weekend’ the PA bloke announced as I left.  ENJOY MY WEEKEND?  I should f***ing hope so after watching that shower of s*** bottle one of our few remaining games left this season.  Get up early, travel 150 miles, get home at 1:30am (wrecked), watch the Meekly Reds (we ought to change our nickname) surrender in tame fashion to a bunch who presumably couldn’t care less, having nothing to battle for.  And it intermittently p***ed it down throughout the day.  The fact goalkeeper Luke Steele was voted Sponsors MOTM just about sums it up.  And he still had time to deliver 2 or 3 top (top) saves even after that.  Sadly, he can’t score goals as well, and you’ll never win a game if you can’t score.  (Honourable exceptions being any team playing against OG specialist Scott Wiseman).  So, yes, BFC, I shall TRY and ‘enjoy my weekend’ despite approximately half of it being based around watching you lot.

Two teams kick a ball about.

Wandering up the hill towards ‘tarn’ after the match I heard one bloke looking on the bright side.  ‘We had the best two chances an’ all’.  For a while I was dumbfounded.  I remembered us having A chance, but two???  But on reflection, he was arguably right.  Pedersen blazed over when clean through while Martin Whatshisface, the anonymous one who used to play for Donny, missed an open goal early doors as he guided a loose ball wide from 12 yards.  An open goal.  We also had an O’Grady header saved after 19 seconds, though having seen it again on telly, it wasn’t quite the easy chance it first looked.  Still, before the first minute was out, Bournemouth had ran to the other end and had a penalty appeal turned down.  It looked a pen to me – and we’d have been down to 10 men.  Lucky it was at the Ponty End, thereby negating any appeals from 280 away fans at the other end.  (Actually, it never looked like 280…maybe half that, but that’s what the announcer said).

Come on you Cherries!

Steele saved a one-on-one, another was dragged wide.  It looked nailed on goalless.  ‘Get Paddy on’ the crowd cried.  Well, they sang THAT Paddy song. Wilson misheard and told Mellis to do in 12 minutes what he’s done once in 7 months (that’s a reference to Brighton away, kids, I didn’t want to be accused of bias and saying ‘what he’d never done in 7 months’!).  I digress.  Suffice to say, Wilson shoulda dragged that Martin bloke off sooner (What IS his surname? I still can’t remember.  Hill?  Smith?  I know it’s something as anonymous as his football).  Give Paddy 20 minutes.  We had to try something DIFFERENT.  Or send on Mellis.  I wanted to ‘do a Hicksy’ and walk out there and then.  But then how would I be able to describe the inevitable Bournemouth injury time winner?

WOODS!!!  It’s Woods, innit?  Martin Woods!  That’s him.  The new David Fox.  (Who?)

So, yeah, we limped to the 5^th minute of 3 minutes of injury time and Steele pulled off another ‘worldy’, only to see the ball loop in the air and come down a foot from the line.  Time for our centre halves (M’Voto had come on for the damaged Ramage) to show some strength, so sure enough, as the ball came down, Nyatanga was muscled out of it and their bloke forced the ball home.  Cheers, Barnsley.  What a difference 3 points woulda made too, as Charlton and Millwall lost and Yeovil threw away a 2 goal lead (and missed a penalty at 2-1) to draw with Bolton.  Hopefully they’ll feel even more gutted than me on Satdy.

The Manic Depressive Society (Barnsley Branch)

*** Steele.  He’s wasted at Barnsley.  Sadly won’t be there next season.  Sponsors' MOTM.

** Dawson.  Ran around.  Geed up the troops.  Put a shift in.  Will be with us next season.

* No-one.  I can’t say anyone else had a decent game.

Despatches:
Pedersen – ship him out.  Please.  What a waste of money.  No strength, little movement and his finishing is as bad as anyone else we’ve got.  Polish Tom got a half more than usual, but didn’t do a lot.  Hunt continued his metamorphosis into Scott Wiseman.  I remember 2 things about his performance; the time he went on a run, kicked the ball too far in front of him and lost it.  Again.  And the last minute of the first half, when their midfielder told him where he was gonna put the ball, so the left winger set off running and Hunt watched him run past him.  He can’t always be this bad.  He simply can’t.  (£2m FFS!)  And Martin Woods?  He was just plain rubbish, so much so he was cheered off when subbed…while Mellis got booed on in a certain part of the East Upper (and problies elsewhere: I just happened to be in the East Upper).

The train back was fun, joined as we were by 2 Dirty Leeds and one Mi’wa’.  It seems we share the train with Millwall every other week these days.  We’ll certainly be joining them in division 3, that’s for sure.

Drink du jour: vodka and orange, red wine, bitter, lager (bought by Millwall – top lad).  Not all 4, obviously.  Then 3 pints of Lowenbrau in the posh pub in St. Pancras (very nice) before having a snifter in the Euston Flyer before falling asleep on the night bus and waking up in Honor Oak (where?).  What was especially galling was that I was still awake as the bus crossed the Thames…

Away: 280 (never!)

Onwards and downwards!

Watford 3-0 Barnsley, Saturday 15th March 2014

‘…when your mate can’t even get off with your wife’

One day this'll all be finished

But then again, they're not bothering with that corner...

Some people think it’s all over…it certainly looks it.  Andy and Pompey live to regret not going to Vicarage Road as they miss the Super Reds conceding 2 in the opening 15 minutes (Steele saving two other one-on-ones).  Danny Wilson thinks the win over Forest last week shows what we’re capable of.  The 0-5, 0-3, 0-3 of the 3 other games around Forest show otherwise.  That’s 11 goals conceded in 3 games.  Thank god Watford didn’t seem to bother once they got the early two goal cushion.

One of these people is today's 'lucky' Reds' mascot

Mind, it’s the Watford fans I feel sorry for.  They came in their unlikely hordes (14,000 of ‘em!) to witness a a gladiatorial battle, an encounter of such epic proportions it would go down in legend.  What they got was a match over before 5 minutes was up.  And in a season of catastrophe, we even learnt a new way to concede a goal, Dawson miscuing a clearance straight to their bloke.  Dawson compounds the error by standing well off him, allowing a 20 odd yard half volley to rocket into the net.

No need to dwell on that error though, there’ll be another one along soon enough.  And it’s that man Dawson again, deciding he’ll switch play from our left to THEIR left, as his crossfield ball is easily intercepted and their left back runs forward.  There’s still time for 3 or 4 passes as Barnsley defenders are all at sea.  It’s like watching 10 year olds, as they all run to where the ball has just BEEN.  The entire back 4 switched 10 yards to their right, leaving an unmarked Deeney to sidefoot home towards the backpost.  Woeful, Barnsley, woeful.

So, £26 and 15 minutes in and the game is lost.  Hardly anyone on the pitch appears to give a s*** and we see out the remaining 75 minutes comfortably, save for another midfield f*** up and 3-0.  Everyone’s favourite Jacob ‘Ba5tard fcuking Mellis’ strolls one step too far, gives the ball away and they’re on the break.  The left winger even slows down, just so he can round Mellis again before pulling the ball back for a tap-in.  Never have I seen a Barnsley player give so little yet get picked so often.  He’s like a central midfield Kevin Donovan (remember him???).

As the end was nigh, and we mused whether we’d had a shot on target (we hadn't), Big Nick goes clean through to chip a ball against the bar.  I continue my debate with Loko over whether he’s s*** or very s***.  (Loko likes him.)  Three-nil and possibly the WORST Barnsley midfield I have ever seen:  Lawrence – Frimpong – Mellis – Dawson.  We’re going down faster than that bird Hugh Grant was once caught with.

Keep calm?  Keep f***ing CALM?  I support BFC FFS!

*** No-one
** Steele.  Couldn’t do anything about the goals, saved 2 one-on-ones.
* Jennings.  He’ll do a job in division 3.

Despatches:
What can I say about our midfield that you don’t already know?  Dawson tries but isn’t good enough at this level.  Mellis is but doesn’t.  Ditto Pingpong (least I THINK he’s good enough, but he’s doing his best to prove otherwise).  And Lawrence is a 32 year old playing like a 37 or 38 year old.  I remember when he used to be good.

Then there’s the defence.  The Football League Paper was extremely generous to Hunt who it claimed spent his match covering the centre halves.  From where I sat, it was the other way around, as Hunt continually got caught going forward and well known full back and speed merchant M’Voto would trot across to (fail to) cover, leaving a massive space behind HIM.  Honestly, could our players just concentrate on doing THEIR OWN jobs first?  Kennedy of course was Kennedy.  Leaving Nyatanga, who I thought looked alright, actually.  But he can’t hope to hold a defence together on his own.  I’ll tell you who COULD do a job alongside him, and could help ORGANISE the defence – some bloke sat up in the stands with us, with his wife and 2 kids.  Step forward Sir Bobby Hassell.  Although the subject of a few chants, at least the fans had the deference NOT to chant that they’d let him shag their wives.  BFC fans and ‘deference’.  Whatever next?

So, last (and least) is our forward line, consisting as it did of German Nick.  What does he bring to our game, outside of statuesque play and zero attacking threat?  ‘Oh, but he gets no service’.  No – and he won’t at that pace.  Flicks the odd ball on and that’s about it.  Can’t even hold a ball up, nevermind run with it.  How do folk spend two million on players like this?

In summary: relegation.

Onwards and downwards!

A

The old allotment end.  No doubt called 'South Stand' or summat imaginative.

ps, I'll tell you who I blame.  Young Jake Slack.  'Lucky' mascot!?  At least we only lost by two when I did it!

pps, it's performances like that which make me appreciate being in work Sat morn and dashing to Watford just in time to make KO (cheers to Salisbury and the crew for sorting a taxi from the pub next to the station). 

Barnsley 1-0 Nottingham Forest, Saturday 8th March 2014

‘The Spider’

What was it about Satdy?  They were all there.  Tickle had flown in from Oz, hoping to see what all the fuss was about.  Alison and Rhys had motorbiked it.  Lynne was there (company jet?).  Even Moll, from Darfield.  All had come to see The Super Reds slain by the Tricky Trees.  What hope of us winning?  Bob and none.

The teams line up.

The early signs were ominous.  Jacob Mellis retained his place and we were adventuring with one up front, Nick the German paying the price for ‘strengthening the midfield’ (I could strengthen the midfield…dropping you-know-who!).  Anywhere, off we went, 4-5-1 and how long would we hold out?

Well, the short answer was 90 minutes.  Aside from a slightly hairy last 10 mins, Forest never threatened.  Steele made one decent save the whole game, tipping round the post an injury time free kick destined for the top corner.  Other than that, bodies were put on the line and Forest couldn’t take advantage, no matter how many times they got round our full backs.  (Often).   
So it was left to us to steal victory with a cracking effort from Jennings, cutting in from the left as only Dire used to, before burying it into the bottom corner.  Anyone watching the highlights (we were the main game!) on The Football League Show could testify that was about it, as most of the 'highlights' involved kicking the ball out of play.  Mind, I could watch Forest punting the ball over the bar from 25-30 yards for 90 minutes.  Oh…hang on.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a team take as many goal kicks as us.  And this wasn’t a sign of incessant pressure – Forest’s entire midfield consisted of clones of Anderson Da Silva.

The last 10 was heart in mouth time, for sure…but again, not due to Forest.  Some of our players were out for the count, so every clearance went about 20 yards before Forest regained possession.  You could almost describe the atmosphere as bouncing as we held on against supposed promotion favourites.  And was this the first time Darius Henderson has FAILED to score against us?  Good.

Scabs Scabs Scabs!!! (sorry)

*** Jennings.  Effort, ran at players, tracked back, match winner.  Sponsors' MOTM.
** O’Grady.  Held up everything while waiting for the midfield cavalry.  (Still waiting.)
* Crainie.  Given the lack of chances, and the intermittent awfulness of the fullbacks, and lack of action for Steele…both centre halves did blinding.

Despatches:

Hunt.  The new Wiseman.  Their winger waltzed past him at least 3 times that I remember, and you know that thing Wiseman used to do…where he kicks the ball past a player, runs after it…but overruns the ball so he a) loses it and b) is out of position?  Hunt has it down to a tee as well.

Mellis.  I had to move seats this week, to babysit.  I quite liked where I sat actually (winning helped) cos every few minutes throughout the second half, this kid, a few rows behind me, would shout ‘Get Mellis off.  He’s rubbish!’.  Good lad.  Everyone on the train agreed he was the one turd in the ointment.  Apparently he was the link between midfield and attack.  I thought he wasn’t as bad as usual…(Do I just have lower expectations?)

It was partytime on the journey back – we were joined by Millwall, who’d won at Derby.  Some of their lads we’d met on the way up too.  I’d settle for us both staying up, but we all agreed that wasn’t going to happen!

Drink du jour:  A hungover me had a couple of small ones (Vodka and orange), leaving the drinking to the pros.  Wine for Norris, bitter for Phil.

Shame results went against us, but if we keep winning, we’ll be 'reight' – starting with table topping Leicester tomorrow nite.  The same Leicester who’ve had the weekend off.  Great.

Onwards and upwards!

A

Away: 2714