Readers will have to forgive the hyperbole, but last night was possibly the WORST MATCH I HAVE EVER SEEN. I know, I know. I’ve seen the ‘Super’ Reds lose by way more than 2. I’ve seen us lose to way worse opposition than Swansea City, but last night’s match was just THE PITS. For 90 minutes (plus injury time) the Swans knocked the ball about defence, with no apparent wish to ever score a goal, while Reds players jogged around rigidly sticking to a 4-3-3 shape and getting nowhere near the ball. I read a stat that said Swansea enjoyed 81% possession 1st half. 81%! At home! (Quietly, I gave myself a pat on the back. I’d estimated 80.)
But it was dull dull dull. When they scored their second, I sent a message to our WhatsApp group…’Exit time. 0-2.’ I immediately got a call from Moll. (It was, as you imagine, quiet enough at Oakwell to have a conversation.) I presumed he was at the game and thought he’d meant I was exiting. I expected the offer of a pint in town, to drown our sorrows. No, he was at home. ‘How’s it going?’ Well, I told him how it was going. Swansea had the ball and I offered commentary, along the lines of ‘it’s with the right back, he’s gonna knock it to the centre half…he’s knocked it to the centre half…now it’s back to the keeper…short pass out left…the left back’s knocked it to the centre half…back to the keeper…now the right back…’ and this appeared to go on for 90 minutes. (A couple of fans in the East Upper had the sense to leave after about an hour of this. How very sage.)
Yeah, yeah, they scored. I can only guess their manager is describing this game as a masterclass…bore the opposition to death, then go for the jugular. (BTW, Swansea have previous here; 2 years ago, they came to Oakwell…they were near the top, us bottom…and they proceeded to be the only team to come to Oakwell that season not trying to win. That day, they came for a nil-nil and got it. Tonite, they failed.) The opener came from nowhere. Swansea, going nowhere, nowhere fast, played it out left. Brittain, slightly sucked into the middle, never got anywhere near the left winger, who simply kicked it low across goal for a tap-in. It all looked so easy (but if it’s easy, why don’t WE do it?) It was Styles’ man who scored, but, really, where were the centre halves? (Seriously, where WAS Mads Andersen tonite? Dropped? Injured?)
That was 74 minutes in. ‘Hurrah, a goal’ was my response. This game hadn’t died a death, it arrived in a coffin. ‘We’ll come out firing now.’ (Actually, I never believed that, but I did say it in jest.) 5 minutes later they sealed it – presuming they hadn’t already done that with the first. A. Swan picks the ball up 35 yards out, jogs forward unchallenged for 20 yards and buries it in the bottom corner. In a season of dreadful goals conceded, this must be right up there with the worst of them. WTF (the ‘W’ is ‘where’, pedants) is our central midfield? Well, where’ve they been all night to be honest?
OK, it’s also true Swansea nearly scored twice 1st half, a backpost header being blocked, and a cutback inexcusably stabbed wide. Our one (ONE!) second half response was Devante Cole (Devante Cole!) skinning the left back, moving into the box, and pulling it back for Cauley to scuff. However great the run was though, the cut back was simply appalling, as he somehow made it bounce, giving Cauley little chance. Surely it’s easier to kick a ball along the floor than make it bobble up? Well, you’d think so. (The pitch, by the way, looked pristine. MOTM the groundsman?) Our first half attacking effort was limited to a Frieser shot which was blocked before it even entered the penalty area. If we had another shot all night, you’re lying.
Onwards and upwards!
*** Jordan Williams. Never beaten all game at left back.
** Moon. Go on then, part of a defence which ensured Collins had barely owt to do.
* Helik. Ditto.
Official MOTM: I shall repeat verbatim what I wrote last home game - Do we have a new tradition whereby we don’t name a MOTM when we’re getting beat?
Despatches:
It’s the new manager’s 1st game, and you could see one change – a rigid 4-3-3 which forbade Callum Britain any movement forward. Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, since I read in the Chron his recent run of 53 consecutive games had come to an end. Drink that in. 53 matches as a wing back / midfielder without scoring a goal. And actually, I thought he had a decent game tonite. Such a shame he got caught for the 1st goal, but the defence are under instructions to move across when the ball is on the other side, so I blame the system rather than Callum.
As I say, Poya Asbaghi’s 1st match (yes, I had to look up his name). After a dismal 1st half, how would we respond? What would he say at half-time? If he was English, I’m sure he’d invoke the analogies of the trenches, or Dunkirk. Maybe he went for the Swedish legend of Gustav Vasa, the king who fled enemy troops with a marathon cross country ski journey for which his name is now attached to the oldest race of its ilk in the world? COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! Just think, Vasa skiied 56 miles, cross country! All you have to do is pass a ball properly against Swansea City!!! Or maybe he brought in his Iranian heritage. ‘Just surrender and die.’ (Can you tell I know nowt about Iranian history?) ‘Go on lads, get your ar5es kicked like our boys in that there Embassy incident that Bob problies enjoys watching every now and again on youtube’. Hi Bob! Just checking you’re reading…
It was abysmal. The players came out and ‘performed’ exactly as they’d done 1st half. Getting behind the ball, not putting too much pressure on the defenders, who played the ball around them, always having an extra man. The press, such as it was, did improve for 5 minutes, as Iseka and Carlton Morris came on for Freezer and Cole. That’ll problies explain Swansea possession over 90 minutes falling to a miserly 79%. 79%! At home! Let me get my abacus out…that’s 21% possession to us AT HOME TO SWANSEA CITY. And if we can’t get the ball, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Who’s been our best ballwinner this season? Manchester City’s Gomes? Where’s he? Benched. Meantime, I’m watching Josh Benson and Romal Palmer trot around and not break sweat. Not break sweat. I AM NOT KIDDING. There’s a reason I was never a central midfield player. You had to be able to run from box to box. These 2 trot from one edge of the centre circle, to the other, and back. For 90 minutes. (Again, that must be under instruction.)
I am running out of superlatives to describe how bad each game is this season. (And why are they called ‘superlatives’ if it’s extreme sh*teness?) The whole performance was a clusterf*ck of Boris Johnson proportions. Poya (I can’t keep looking up how to spell his surname) said pre-match that success this season will be staying up. Staying up? Success will be finishing above Derby (21 points deducted) cos I see no way in the world that this team will avoid relegation. I think I’ve seen 3 relegations in my Reds-supporting life and (***more hyperbole alerts***) this looks like the worst of the bunch. Can’t pass, can’t press, can’t create. Yes, they can defend a bit, but we aren’t going to eke out enough points with half a dozen nil-nils.
We are f***ed.
Drink du jour: As if I had time to have a drink.
Away: 365. Highlight of the game was surely the Swans idiot running on the pitch to celebrate the opener and being pounced on by half a dozen stewards and carted off. Listen, mate, it’s Barnsley, not Barcelona. (After the 2nd, another fan invaded the pitch and was dragged off, but I think this was a Reds fan doing his best to get himself a ban. Me? Perhaps I could make a statement by diving head first from the upper tier. It’s gotta be less painful than watching this.)
Matches played in front of a Main Stand safe enough for journalists/directors/non-playing players etc, but not safe enough for fans: 4
The Damage:
c. £25 petrol
= c. £25
Couldn’t even get a programme, they’d all packed up.
The Tunes:The Orb’s Adventures Beyond the Ultraworld Show (The Orb)
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