***I can't add photos for some reason. Bear with me while I try to understand technology.
‘He was born 50.’
Rumours of our resurrection have been greatly exaggerated. Satdy was simply embarrassing. Catastrophic. Disgusting. Unacceptable. And all the other hyperbole for an absolute sh*tshow. It’s bad enough being beaten by a non-lge team, but to concede 5 is something else. And to see my team, our team, simply GIVE UP in the second half was beyond the pale.
The way we’ve played this season, I could see us taking a beating off someone. You can’t play a back 2 (at times) and not expect the opposition to find holes. But this wasn’t the case Satdy. Stevenage didn’t sit back and hit us on the break. That second period was spent mostly in our half of the pitch, as we had forwards who couldn’t hold onto it, midfielders who couldn’t pass it and defenders who…Christ, the defenders. Trades Description Act and all that.
Yet it started so well. Half an hour in, we were leading one nil and seemed destined for more. ‘Will today be one of them stress-free 2, 3, 4 goals to nil?’, I mused. Diane doubted it. McGeehan had put us a goal up from the spot after Kelly’s shot was saved by a Stevenage defender masquerading as their goalkeeper. So far, so good. If we ignore Kirk missing an open goal from 4 yards. I’m sorry, but whether the cross took a deflection or not, he’s got a clear view of the ball, all the way to his swipe of it. You know what they say about a goal ‘doing wonders for a striker’s confidence’? Well, since that goal at Orient, he’s missed 2 open goals. He only scores when he’s concussed, and I bet there’d be a queue at Oakwell if he offers to let fans smack him in the face. Bloody useless, he is.
Stevenage (I’d use their nickname, but does anybody know it? Can they still be ‘The Boro’ if they’d dropped the only thing that’s interesting about them, their previous name of ‘Stevenage Borough’? Is this pure sour grapes? (No. I always think this.)) Am I waffling? Am I trying to take my mind OFF the game, rather than ON it? You betcha. They make a tactical sub on 23 – never too early in my book, if it’s all going wrong – and gradually they haul themselves in. Still, it’s a surprise when they score, but it’s up there with Stan and Ollie carrying some new glazing across a busy street.
A Stevo (that’ll do) smacks it against the bar and the ball goes up into the stratosphere. Ravenhill tracks it…then he doesn’t. Blinded by the sun, presumably. Another player who must be blinded by the sun (presumably he’s got eyes in the back of his head, cos he wasn’t looking at it) is McGeehan, who stands and gawps at it while the centre forward steps forward to divert in his own rebound off the back of his head. Now go and watch this on replay. You’ll notice this big, strapping forward not marked THROUGHOUT THIS MOVE. When the ball doesn’t go in first time, he checks back and he’s free throughout. Now, it’s true, the centre halves are marking players, but when the ball comes back in, right in the centre of the 6 yard box, HE’S ON HIS OWN. It’s someone’s fault, that’s all I’m saying.
Still, it’s half-time, we go again. We’re obviously the better team. It takes 7 minutes for The Boro to go ahead. Now, I have to cheat here and watch it again on t’gogglebox, cos I simply can’t remember how many mistakes there are before their player bundles it in on the back post. A free kick is pumped towards our box. We lose that header. Gale wins the next header, but flicks it on as if he’s playing for them. (Maybe he is?) Kay’s now got no choice but to flick it on again and all their bloke has to do is turn and get it on target, with Bland dangling a leg as it passes him by. Possibly as funny as their opener. Harold Lloyd to the previous Laurel and Hardy.
‘Plenty of time for us to score 2’ I say. If you substitute ‘us’ for ‘them’ and ‘2’ for ‘3’ I’d say I was bang on. 5 minutes later it’s 1-3. Have we left our half since the last goal? A left wing corner is flicked straight in. Simples. Contrast this with our corners on that side. Cleary kicks it short to someone, who passes it back to Cleary, who now tries to take the defender on to try and get a cross in. Madness. (Also, on one of our corners, our centre halves DON’T EVEN GO UP FOR IT. This is taking ‘new tictacs’ to a whole new level. Who doesn’t put their tallest players in the box for a corner? Who doesn’t put the ball in on a corner? (Barcelona, if you must know, in peak tiki-taka years. But you know what? They were the best team in the world. They had players like Messi. In fact, they had Messi. Et-f***ing-cetera. WE ARE NOT BARCELONA. JUST GET THE BALL F***ING IN.))
Stendel decides now is the time for the cavalry. Or it’s the time to put up the white flag. He’s taking off star man Cleary for Alker, and Former Captain Marvel Connell for Bland. I cheer Connell’s name...then get a chuckle for announcing ‘only joking!’ It’s come to this. Oh, and we’d already made 2 subs at HT, Richards coming on for re-debutant Larkeche (does he get 2 different alumni numbers for being here twice?) and the ineffectual Kirk replaced by his doppelganger, Farrell.*
*by doppelganger, I mean they’re both as useless as each other. But they try. And are trying. Very.
Anyway, the changes work. We hold Stevenage at bay for 6 minutes this time. This is possibly my favourite of their goals, cos I felt I could savour it in real time. It felt like their player had the ball for 5 minutes while Kelly and McGeehan refused to tackle him, and by the time they realise there might be some danger (they may have seen the white line of the penalty area) their bod has unleashed a daisy-cutter into the far corner. One bloody four and I think this is the main cue for the stands to empty. I don’t mind this. Makes me feel more part of an exclusive masochistic club.
Anyway, they give us a breather and the Aussie bloke comes on for the last 15. I hope he said thanks to Daniel, cos, by now, what’s the point? It’s clear no Barnsley player wants the ball. Nobody moves when we do have it and it starts feeling like every ball is a Connell chip forward to no-mans land, even when it isn’t Connell. It’s appalling stuff and I can’t get enough of it.
And the cherry on the icing on the cake, the coup de gras, the piece de resistance, the...last play of note rightfully goes to Stevenage. We are into injury time, 93rd minute, and ANOTHER COMEDY GOAL. A harmless (ho ho) ball in comes from the left and Kay somehow gets under it, and it goes over his head, leaving their bloke no choice but to sweep it in. Embarrassing.
Onwards and upwards!
*** No-one. I don’t care that we played well for half an hour. That second half was an embarrassment.
** No-one. If anyone tells me anybody played better than ‘No-one’ I WILL SCREAM.
* No-one. Hopefully this is the one for the season. Goalkeeper, Defence. Midfield. Up top. Absolute garbage.
Official MOTM: McGeehan (a captain’s performance!)
Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Kelly 2. Kay 3. McGeehan
Despatches:
Nevermind the match, you should see the NEW IMPROVED HICKSY!!!! Back from death’s door, he’s a new man. Looks great, sounds even better, and without going into detail (ask him yourself) how utterly, utterly awesome that a second medical opinion has provided him with drugs that actually HELP rather than HINDER his performance. Good to have you back, pal.
Which leads me to those ‘MIA’ (Missing in Action). How dare Farnham go off on holiday and enjoy himself while we watch this rot. How very dare Lord Selwood go to Manchester Psychefest and potentially see The Beta Band and Angine de Poitrine (especially as I planned on going, but left it too late to get a ticket). But spare a thought for Nice Guy Chris, who couldn’t make it cos Dougal the cat (not named after fly by nite Reds Aussie midfielder…I think) needed the emergency vet. Anyway, Hicksy knows a good health practitioner. Dougal...get well soon, mate.
I can’t be bothered to obliterate each player via the medium of text, but I will mention that Ravenhill looked nervous and nearly gifted them a third, before they actually did. That battering could’ve been even worse. It’s up there (down there) with the worst second half performance I have ever seen from the ‘Super’ Reds. Even a Hourihane-inspired second half didn’t give us THIS last season. (Tho granted, EVERY second half was bad last season.)
ps, it was my new replica shirt’s debut. Lucky shirt or what!?
pps, if you’re at a loose end in town pre-match, get to the town hall and check out the town’s museum ‘Experience’ including a decent section on the Reds.
ppps, since the players have gone on holiday, so am I, so I’ll be missing the next 3 games. I look forward to in-depth coverage and positive critiques of all the players I don’t rate.
Drink du jour: Beartown Inception at Spiral.
Away: 129 (9,446). ‘We want 6. We want 6.’ Embarrassing. (Us, not them.)
The Damage:
18.22 ent
£8 petrol
= £26.22
(Season ticket £419...so 419 divided by how many league games I see and I’ve missed none so far. So £419/23)
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