Dunston 3-1 Bridlington Town, Saturday 12th August 2023

Dunston 3-1 Bridlington Town, Northern Premier League East, UTS Stadium, att. 211

Circumstance brings me today to the UTS Stadium, home of Dunston UTS. After all, where else can I make kick-off from being in IKEA Gateshead at twenty to three on a Satdy? To be fair, I needn’t have had meatballs for my lunch, I’d left my consultants in Washington at half-one. (NHS referral; I’m facing an operation on my spine.) But the other half, who I’ve dragged to the consultants to hear him out (cos she actually understands biology) has decided she’d like to pair this with a trip to IKEA and the adjacent Metro Centre. Even better, I can go to the football.

It wasn’t meant to be like this. I was hoping to be away for the week. It’s the DFB Pokal (cup) in Germany, I had it all lined up: Friday, Saarbrucken, Satdy, Elversberg, Sunday, RW Koblenz and Monday, Homburg. All within reasonable distance of each other, so not a great deal of travel needed. Combined with 3 other games in the Netherlands or Germany (Europa League/Conference games ensuring 7 games in 7 days). But you can’t pass up an appointment with a consultant. Rot-Weiss Koblenz will have to wait.

I had no time for the social club this time, straight in. No programmes (that I could see). Shame that, they had one last season. The vociferous yoof were also absent from the stand behind the dugouts. On holiday? So I took a pew near the back of the Main Stand and settled down. The can bar had done some business and Strongbow Dark was the order of the day. I’ll give it a miss.

Dunston were comfortably the better side in the first half hour, taking the lead on 10 minutes. A slick overlap, a cross, a header. Simple, but well worked. Further domination brought the inevitable goal at the other end. Why bother marking Brid’s tubby #10? He could barely move and could give Messi a walk for his money, all double teapots. ‘Too easy’ he criticised a younger teammate, as a Dunston player waltzed by him. He was certainly good at criticising others. Then, taking up a position just outside the box (cos he couldn’t be ar5ed to get IN the box?) he collects the ball, controls it, and drills it into the corner with power. Shows what I know.

That goal was thankfully just a blip for Dunston, who ran out 3-1 winners in the second half, clinching it in the last minute. A happy home crowd and I could now stroll back to the Metro Centre Car Park. What delights had my other half purchased?

The Damage:
£10 ent
= £10

BFC 7-0 Port Vale, Saturday 5th August 2023

‘Newcastle is just a bigger version of Wakefield.’

7 (seven) nil. Seven f***ing nil. The biggest opening day win in our history, and the biggest in league history since Wolves beat Man City 8-1 in 1962. The biggest opening day league win in 63 years, if maths serves me right. Other records (courtesy of Oakwell Historian) include the first opening day hattrick since Brian Joicey in 1978 (I’m too young to remember). 1st hattrick of any sort since Conor Chaplin in 2019. 1st time we’ve hit 7 since THAT Huddersfield game (I remember that one)…and first 7-0 win in 72 years (QPR, Tommy Taylor hattrick). Is Devante Cole the new Tommy Taylor? Or Conor Chaplin?

Quality hattrick too. The first, a sweet counter attack, ending with a beautifully weighted low ball from new signing O’Keefe on the right, straight into Cole’s path to sidefoot home without skipping a beat. His 2nd, another low ball from the right, half volleyed high into the net early in the second half, and the cherry on the icing on the cake came as he bamboozled a defender on the halfway line, ran clean through and finished by bobbling it through the keeper….Cadden covering the dribbling ball into the net rather than lashing in to be sure. Wow.

That made it 4-0, 8 minutes into the second half. Unreal. Especially if you’d seen the first half performance. Never have we played so badly and been two nil up. You can take that as hyperbole, but it’s what I gained from 3 conversations at half-time, and a text from Waddington (who’s never knowingly wrong). We were all over the place, as Port Vale bore down once again on our goal, a mix of desperate clearances from us and poor decision-making on behalf of the visitors somehow keeping chances to a minimum. Still, they had a big shout for a pen (a push in the back) at ni nil and our new keeper (I don’t know his name) made a superb diving save from a header...was that at 1-0?

Still, for all Vale were the better team they were 2 down. Unlucky? Or do poor teams lose when playing well? I remember in the Barry Conlon years...we played well in 6 games…and lost all 6. I’ll put my head on the block and say the Valiants will be relegated before we’re promoted. The second goal, after Cole’s opener, came from another delicious low cross from a wingback...this time it’s Cadden, whose ball their left back found impossible to resist, deflecting it in with his chest in panic. Vale’s back was broken. (I know how they feel, my back’s killing me.)

And, yes, amazingly I was back in my seat in time to see Cole’s 2nd after 47 mins and the hattrick 6 minutes later. Then the goal of the game, as a galloping centre half (Kitching) breaks free and is found by a sublime pass from Kane. You know things are going your way when a left footed centre half is hitting a half volley from just inside the box into the roof of the net with his right. Like when Barnard hit THAT goal in the Huddersfield win. Or, to coin a similar effort, when Tony Adams trotted through under Arsene Wenger to lash home in a title decider. Another exquisite cross from Cadden sees Russell bang the ball in with his head. Now I know I’m hallucinating. (Ahhh, the good old days….) Collins takes pity and takes Cole (and others) off, but there’s still time for Cole’s replacement Dallas to head another in injury time. We are in 7th heaven! (No need to guess next week’s Chronicle headline.)

At half-time I even told Reedy I was changing my mind. We’re not finishing 10th. We’re finishing 2nd. Behind Man City.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Goal King Cole. Tis true, anybody could’ve scored the first one, but the 2nd was a quality finish, while his pace (and trickery?) brought the hattrick. Official MOTM.
** Cadden. Superb. Great balls in and what was he doing as the farthest man up the pitch to protect Cole’s 3rd?
* Roberts. The new keeper (I’ve looked up his name.) Great saves, confident in possession and came out and punched when needed. Also the first footballer in history to be booked for timewasting at 6 nil up. (He wasn’t, but it’s the new rules.)

Despatches:
I’ve gotta say I wasn’t optimistic pre-match. Or during. ‘We’ll settle for one-nil, right?’ agreed my compadre.as the Reds struggled to make it out of their half. 4 mins in and Cole is getting an ‘unlucky’ from the bloke behind...for failing to control a simple ball to feet. It’s going to be a long season. But I won’t mention that cos we won. Or the fact we’ve just sold our best striker to a side in the 5th tier. ‘We need a target man’ said bloke later says. Well, what is 6’3” Watters if not a ‘target man’? I’m pleased he touched the ball twice in the last (52nd) minute of the first half, cos it doubled his tally. Did we really bring him back after his loan last season? His biggest contribution was getting booked for arguing with the ref after Kane was cautioned, presumably for a loose elbow in an aerial challenge. I can imagine Watters now, doing his best Crocodile Dundee accent...’Call THAT an elbow? I’LL show you an elbow!’ Oh, and he got in the way of a Cole shot which may have brought the latter's hattrick. Lucky it made no difference. Dallas and Oli Shaw later came on up front and both looked promising, excellent movement, good touches...and of course Dallas scored. I think he’s my new favourite (up front).

Further pessimism was brought on by the absence of star man Connell (ill?) and Phillips (suspended). ‘Have we missed Phillips?’ my friend Diane asked. Yes, I think we did. I don’t think a shot of ours found the stand all day. O’Keefe had a good start at right wing back, averaging an assist every half an hour...cos that’s when he went off injured. What does Cotter make of it all, recently signed and now 3rd choice right wing back? Anyway, an able deputy in an attack-minded side playing feeble opposition. With centre halves injured or too recently signed to play (we shipped in a Frenchman yesterday), Jordan Williams switched to right centre. The Polish lad joined them in a back 3. Not sure what to make of him, though the manager was apparently screaming at him, possibly about his positional missense (is that a word?). With Connell out, Kane played deeper. I don’t think he lost possession. I’m not quite sure what Russell brought. He’s becoming more of an enigma than The Enigma. He’s tidy enough, but even at 7 (seven) nil, I don’t see Connell’s position under threat. Then there’s the forwards. This argument will run and run (like the great man himself)…is Cole a half decent centre forward…or could pretty much anybody score goals in front of probably the best midfield and wingbacks in the division? Well, Dallas came on and averages a goal every 15 minutes...*

*plus 10 mins injury time. The EFL, taking a year to digest events in the 2022 World Cup, have finally decided to take some action against all the bl**dy timewasting I’ve been moaning about for years. 7 (seven) mins 1st half, 10 mins 2nd. Bad news for Londontykes wanting to catch a train, good news for anyone wanting to see a game of football. Quite what former timewasting specialist Bradley Collins will do from now on is anybody’s guess, and Coventry’s problem. Good riddance.

Oh, and talking of new rules…I think it was Styles tempting the ref into our first card for not retreating at a free kick. In the end, we picked up 6 yellows, with 2 for them. So it goes without saying that the worst challenge of the match (Cotter taken out in full flow) went unpunished, save for a free kick and a talking to. Oh well. The ref didn’t give Port Vale a penalty. And we’re top of the league. Top of the league! The season can end now for me.

Drink du jour: Squawk Quelea Pale Ale. Gorgeous. Reminiscent of Northern Monk Faith.

Away: 1,675 (Att: 13,796...though a ‘sold out’ Ponty was short of at least 500. I pity the poor fan - Hi Jonesy! – who’d rather watch the game on iplayer in Corsica than see 7 goals in person)

The Damage:
c.£30 petrol
£4.30 meat and potato pie.
= £34.30

Four pounds thirty. It’s my own fault, too busy gassing and not giving myself enough time to eat pre-match. Four hundred and thirty pence for a meat and tatie Pukka Pie. It will take a long while to cleanse myself of this schoolboy error. But I was hungry.

Oh, and it wouldn’t be me without a moan, or BFC for being BFC...but I didn’t see anybody in a new shirt, so I presume they’re not on sale yet...while programmes had sold out by quarter to 3. So the next time our club owners plead poverty...

Chester-le-Street United 0-3 Easington Colliery, Wednesday 2nd August 2023

Chester-le-Street United 0-3 Easington Colliery, Northern League Division 2, Riverside Leisure Stadium, att. 116

It is the height of the British summer and after a July of rain…the beginning of August spells similar. It has rained all day here in my part of County Durham and 3 games in the Northern League have already succumbed. ‘Are you still going if it’s raining?’ I’m asked. ‘All the more reason!’ I bravely reply, though actually, there’s a lot to be said for standing on your own, outside, staring at the 10th tier of English football.

I’m keen tonite cos it’s a new ground. Indeed, history is due to be broken, as Chester-le-Street United, formed a mere 3 years ago, are due to play their first ever home game under floodlights at the home adjacent to Durham County’s cricket ground. It’s been a rapid rise, one season in the Wearside League and immediate promotion. Too rapid for their home, as due to not having floodlights, they played last season at the Ford Hub, home of Sunderland West End and my least favourite ground in the Northern League. I don’t know what any of this means to Northern League stalwarts Chester-le-Street Town, whose home is a mile or so out of town at Chester Moor. Have they been usurped? Will they survive? Is the town big enough for 2 clubs?

The Riverside Leisure Stadium is unlike any other in the Northern League. For a start, it has a running track around it. The Main ‘Stand’ as such is a pavilion, with some terracing underneath. However, the terracing is behind the running track and thus anyone wanting to stand crosses the track and leans against the barrier, which only goes around this side and the left hand goal. Consequently, fans aren’t allowed on 2 sides. The other side of the (left) far goal is one of the tinest stands I’ve ever seen. From this distance, I’d say it has 38 seats. It is virtually full, second half, as the the youth distance themselves from their elders. However, the pavilion dominates.

It is a grand structure, offering (upstairs) a large bar, as well as excellent views from the balcony (like at Darlington). However, a floodlight does impede the view slightly. I watch for half an hour from up here, go down to pitchside for 10 minutes…then scamper back when a deluge hits. I wasn’t the only one. I retreated back to where I’d been, standing next to what was obviously another groundhopper. This time though his mate was with him, and I enjoyed eavesdropping on their north-eastern non-league travels (north of the Tyne a speciality). Shildon was their Northern League ground of choice for atmosphere. I’d have gone Crook Town myself, or Seaham, or perhaps tonite’s visitors Easington Colliery.

I couldn’t decide if Easington were dapper dogs…or complete clarts this evening. What a strip. Pink and white stripes, with violet arms. Given the home side were playing in some shade of gold, I couldn’t work out how this clashed with Easington’s first choice strip of green and white stripes. Do they have one of those Premiership contracts insisting away shirts must be worn? At least they had enough players...the programme could only mention 10. Still, squads at this level are fluid to say the least.

The programme also stated Chester’s side could have a very different look to Saturday gone, most of their players having returned from a youth tournament* in Morocco. I bet it didn’t rain there. Given they arrived back 24 hours before tonite’s match, it would explain how they tired in the second half after a promising start in which they could have been 3 up, but definitely one, as the centre forward, clean through, crashed a shot against the keeper’s legs.

*Many of their players are part of the Park View Academy of Sport, basically studying ‘A’ levels or equivalent, while being coached in sports such as football, cricket, rugby, netball, athletics...I’d apply but I think my time playing football is up.

Second half, we are 25 minutes in and one of my groundhopper friends is speculating on the likelihood of a goalless draw and whether they’d thus have to come back. ‘No, I’m not that desperate’ says his mate. A minute later and Easington’s Callum Stanton curls one in with his left foot from 20 yards. Chester look spent and within 10 minutes it’s 3. A cross is deflected in (the goal being generously awarded to the crosser, Brad Forster) before Stanton absolutely belts in a 25 yarder for his second. Game over, United are shattered and Easington waste several breals to increase the scoreline. Then more groundhopper chat on the way out; a couple of old boys from Coventry have come up, a double-header including Newcastle Blue Star last nite. I’m not sure I’m at the level of driving to Coventry for a couple of games at the 10th tier of English football (yet).

The Damage:
£5 ent
free programme
= £5