Pontefract Collieries 0-0 Belper Town, Tuesday 18th February 2025

Pontefract Collieries 0-0 Belper Town, Northern Premier League East, Hunters Stadium (Beechnut Lane), att. 206

Molly’s come into some money. Well, he hasn’t, but after 4 months of unemploy, he’s gone and got himself a job so is once again out from reclusiveness. So, yes, he’s up for Pontefract Colls, though he’s been before. ‘We can go to Golcar if you like’ I counter. No, he’s happy enough. No Nozzer tho, too sick to travel (I need a parental note) so it’s a 45 minute scoot, most of it M62. Tell you what – it’s easy to find this ground. Take the Pontefract turning, head towards town, and turn left after the racecourse (Beechnut Lane) and you’re there. Though Molly did say the first time he came, his satnav got lost and he ended up in some local housing estate.

I presume I’m first here and after parking up I walk back up Beechnut Lane for a pic of the...what do you call them? Welcoming boards? Anyway, one of them signs wot tells you the local football club is just down here and who and when their next game is against. Course, anyone not into football who’s driving into Ponty will just wonder what kind of lunatic you are, taking photos of signage.

The car park is vast, but I’m pleased I’ve put my boots on – it’s essentially a muddy field full of potholes. One can’t risk one’s new trainers at non-league venues, you never know when you’ll be traipsing through mud. The ground is now just over there, but in the darkness it’s not clear how to get to it. Turns out that darkness is a couple of other football pitches inbetween car park and ground.

Once at the turnstile, I receive a text from Moll. He’s already in. I pay my 9 quid and walk through what looks like a kitchen (but without the cooking implements). It’s one of the oddest entry arrangements I’ve ever seen, but at least they had a proper turnstile. Once through this building, you’re met with a snackbar and the clubhouse. And Moll (though possibly not every game for the latter). He’s still wearing the grin of relief that comes from being reacquainted with work (and money).

As you enter the perimeter of the pitch, there’s flat standing. We head left, past not one, but two seated stands adjoining each other. Apparently the seats are from Man City’s Maine Road ground, but now I think about it, can this be true? I’m sure the seats were dark blue. Anyway, I’m pleased to see the prevalence of whitewashed breezeblocks, a staple of the northern non-league scene. As is the mesh fencing which blocks our way when opened, to allow the players access to the field. Pride and joy though is the manually operated scoreboard, which remained unoperated today, neither side being tempted to score.

Opposite the main stand are the dugouts, and quite a few fans elect to stand here. The Colls’ main vocal support are stood behind the left hand goal 1st half, both these sides containing hard standing and enclosed by a fence. The other goal has a large propped roof, large enough for several steps of terracing, but demand there is none. Thus, it’s a cosy 1,200 capacity and with several local clubs nearby, I can see this place getting a decent crowd at some point. Pontefract isn’t a small place either.

It’s not a bad game, plenty of endeavour, etc, though we feel singled out by the home keeper as we stand by the perimeter, near the halfway line. One errant punt has us both scurrying for cover and Moll losing a portion of his beer. We were wise to him after that. Otherwise, Colls are unlucky with a cracking effort from the left winger, cutting inside and finding the top corner...but for keeper and post. Great save.

Half-time and a chance to have a warm in the clubhouse – I’m sure half the crowd are in here, and the other half could comfortably be accommodated. 6 beers on tap, Colls’ livery on the walls, a very tidy affair. Telly wasn’t working though. Maybe they were frightened folk would rather stay in the clubhouse for Bayern Munich – Celtic. Shame about the toilet block too, a grim affair. Nevermind the squeeze, it’s ok, I like not having paper towels or a hand dryer when I’ve just washed my hands in cold water in freezing outdoor temperatures. (Sarcasm.) But Moll does nab a half pound cheeseburger which looked good value (if you like cheese; I don’t.)

For Belper, third in the table, this was a chance to make up some ground on leaders Cleethorpes and Emley and early doors second half, they were at it. However, the Colls stood firm and, with the game heading towards goallessness, Moll took advantage of the bog and missed the game’s turning point: a Belper player took out a breaking Coll on the halfway line and received a red card. Fair play to the ref, who gave himself time to think about it, had a look at the damage done to the prone homester, before brandishing. I presume the stud marks were there for all to see.

Thereafter, midtable Colls became more adventurous, winning a succession of corners without ever looking like scoring and a rare Belper break brought a save from a one-on-one. All square, nils apiece...and I guess that means my visit doesn’t count. Oh well, it’s not too far away. Just remember to bring your walking boots.

The Damage:
£9 ent
£4.50 Beavertown Neck Oil (pint of)
= £13.50

BFC 1-2 Huddersfield Town, Saturday 15th February 2025

‘Idea wer reight, ball wer sh*te.’

What does Coach Clarke say to our players at half-time? If they’ve played badly, he says more of the same. If we’ve played well (and Hudds 1st half was the best in a while)...he tells em to revert to type. He must do. We haven’t played well in a second half since...Christ, I dunno. Even our last 2 wins (Wrexham, Crawley) we were outclassed in the second 45. In one, we hung on, in the other, we were 3 up and Kilip made save after save. So I guess it was Peterborough away, last year.

Still, what can Clarke do with the players at his disposal? I’ve heard of strength in depth, we have weakness in depth. Or strength in weakness. Weakness in strength? If I told you we were losing and the answer is ‘take your centre forward off and put Josh Benson on’ you know you’re in trouble. Humphreys was switched to CF and was so witless he was hauled for a player who can barely get a game for the under 23s (Dire). To be fair, Dire junior was probably the least hapless, actually managing a header on target. The less said about the new Frenchie Rodrigues, the better. At least he lasted 62 minutes today, or 17 more than his debut. I can’t see him completing 90 minutes anytime soon. Indeed, I can’t generally see him. What DOES he do?

Back to Clarke though, in this game of Blame Ping Pong. We came out second half and were STEAMROLLERED by Hudds. Everyone could see a goal coming. Clarke’s response? Cross his fingers and HOPE a defence including Pines would simply hold out. It didn’t, and in the space of 3 minutes we go from winning to losing. THEN he hauls Rodrigues. I’m sorry, I’m starting to think this manager HASN’T A CLUE, irrespective that the majority of his players are substandard. He could always try IMPROVING them. The clue is in the job title: ‘Coach’. (Unless it’s the other kind of coach.)

A couple of crazy goals too. We manage to concede the equaliser from our own attack: the ball is played to Humphreys’ feet and he appears to be cleaned out. (I’ve since seen it on telly and he runs slap bang into Herbie Kane, of all people, and is run over like Wile E. Coyote hitting a lorry. Weak as p***. 2 passes later, they’re clean through. It’s at times like these I wish I didn’t have such a good view of the formations. It’s painful to see just how open we are.

Maybe the goal will revitalise us? Wake us up a bit. Have another guess. The Terriers get a free kick out wide, 35-40 yards from our goal. The ball is curled in, a Town player dummies it (was it Kane again?) and the ball bobbles into the far corner as new keeper Gauci misjudges it completely. Ah, Gauci. Didn’t take him long to mess up, did it? Good job we strengthened the one area that was going vaguely well, replacing our own employee for some other club’s keeper for us to improve. Well, he’ll certainly get some practice.

There’s half an hour left and the only thing keeping the score down is that Huddersfield are already winning. Good job they weren’t looking to improve their goal difference. We continued to be terrible. Our modus operandi appeared to be to limp to the halfway line, be confronted by an opponent, then square it crossfield 30 yards to repeat the process. Throw in an aimless forward ball and possession was ceded with ease. Lembikisa came on at right back and overhit not one, not two, but three balls down the line. The American bloke came on (Jon Lewis – hopefully he comes with the department store’s fabled money back guarantee), wide left, and looked vaguely promising, in the way Humphreys looks vaguely promising when he’s out wide. We manage a total of 4 efforts on target all game…apart from the goal, that (weak) Dire header, an early DKD 20 yarder and...I can’t remember.

The goal we scored was a thing of beauty. Russell breaks from the halfway line and strides forward. Defenders retreat, he cuts inside and fires into the corner from 20 yards. He didn’t celebrate. I suspect it was cos he’s ex-Hudds, but I like to think it’s cos he knew what was coming. In the space of a year he’s gone from one of our worst players to one of our best.

We are truly dreadful.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Russell. Looked tidy in advanced positions, scored an excellent goal and made a couple of great interceptions to prevent Terriers’ breaks.
** MdG. Is he really composed? Or does he just look it in comparison with Pines and Earl?
* DKD At least LOOKS like he’s trying to score.

Official MOTM: Russell

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Russell 2. MdG 3. DKD

Despatches:
Nice Guy Chris – look away now. Our XG today was 0.4 (thanks, XG correspondent Farnham). In other words, with the shots we took, on average, we’d be expected to score nearly half a goal. Nearly half a goal. At home. Ah, home games. I think I can thank the Chron for this stat...in the last year we’ve played 22 3rd division matches at Oakwell, winning 4, drawing 9 and losing 9. Throw in a hammering in the play-off semi final and these are grim days for the average season ticket holder. 4 home wins in 23 attempts against 3rd tier opposition. Drink that in.

Still, some positive came of Satdy. I left the game richer than I arrived – I handed in mine and Nozzer’s Northampton away tickets after its postponement. I barely wanted to go on a Satdy, so Tuesday nite? No chance. There’s always next season (cries mournfully into his lap).

As for the ‘arrive 8 minutes late’ protest, I’d say as many as 93 folk may have crawled into the Ponty after 3:08pm. There were muted chants of ‘sack the board’ later on, cos ‘sack the head of recruitment’ isn’t catchy enough.

Grim.

Oh, and did I mention Hudds had been badly out of form before facing us? Just like the away game. And, just like the away game, there was only one team in it.

Drink du jour: Beavertown Gamma Ray in Spiral City.

Away: 4,502 (15,600). Very quiet after we scored, bit more lively 2nd half.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8

Stockport County 2-0 BFC, Saturday 8th February 2025

‘It wer a massive plane, not one o’them small uns.’

The thing about low ebbs is that you don’t know till further down the line whether it was a low ebb. Are we currently at a low ebb? Or can things get WORSE? Anyway, all this and more were mused upon as we stared out onto Edgeley Park, two nil down, and our new centre forward replaced up front by a left wing back who’s been there 3 weeks. What a sh*tshow. What is Clarke DOING? (I’ve read one theory that he’s trying to get a message to the board, like someone held hostage and trying to blink morse code to a camera, without actually knowing any morse code). And would any other football club loan out their only other fit centre forward (Cosgrove) to ‘promotion rivals’? (Yes, I heard that phrase on Satdy, but we soon corrected the County fans in the pub.) Watters injured, Jalo injured, that centre forward who only got 2 games loaned out (can’t remember his name but he scored 2 last week for…Barrow? Morecambe? Andy...Andy Dallas. Got there! Woo hoo. Alzheimers staved off for another week) and now Cosgrove loaned out, to a side who’re FOURTH in the table, ie, better than us. All it needed was Cosgrove to come on and score, a la Isiah Rankin the other year when he went on loan to Grimsby and scored a hattrick against us. But apparently he wasn’t allowed to play. Is that an EFL rule these days? I wish it could be otherwise, cos given we rate him low enough to send out when we’ve no-one else, surely we wouldn’t be afraid for Cosgrove to turn out against us!?

Yes, we have a new centre forward, a French bloke we got from Bastia in Cyprus. Given our erstwhile Bastia correspondent A. Jones esq knows nowt about him, our hopes are suitably low. And he didn’t disappoint, barely getting a touch 1st half and being hauled at half-time. (Still, so was MdG on his debut and he’s turned out half decent.) I think the half time stats had us down as ONE touch in their box in that opening half. Needless to say, that touch wasn’t a goal, or a shot, or anything really. DKD may also have curled a shot wide, or I may be imagining that.

Fortunately, we were at the end Stockport were attacking, so we saw plenty of the ball. One hoof over the top sees resident carthorse/oil tanker Donovan Pines turn on a sixpence (yeah, right) and strain towards his own goal while their forward gives chase. As they reach the edge of the area, Pines falls down trying to make the challenge, leaving Olaofe (Yes, I’ve just looked it up) clean through to bury it. In another plot twist you couldn’t make up outside of Oakwell, he’s the bloke we would’ve signed on loan 2 years back, were the powers-that-be able to send a fax on time. Unbelievable.

That’s on the half hour and the game is effectively over 4 mins later when Earl dangles a leg in the area as their bloke takes a pass and cuts in. Penalty. Honestly, who trains these defenders? Oh, I hadn’t mentioned. Clarke has decided to go to a flat back 4, having heard my moaning about 3 centre halves not being able to do what 2 used to do, he’s gone to two, Pines and MdG, with Earl left back and O’Keefe right. This allowed us to cram in all those quality midfielders we think we’ve got...Nwakali, Connell, Russell, DKD and Phillips...so they could get utterly BOSSED by Stockport. That first half was as bad as could be and NO-ONE came out of it without criticism.

Another legendary talking to from Clarke at half-time and Rodrigues (yes, I’ve just looked him up an’ all) is pulled and Farrugia is put on. Where’s he gonna play, then? CENTRE FORWARD. But of course he is! Why wouldn’t you? He spent the half making the right runs, but starved of supply, so probably had even fewer touches than the French bloke. But I suppose he occupied a space, allowing our other exciting players to get on the ball. Was that what happened? Beer clouds my judgement, but I don’t remember a vast improvement till another loanee, Lembikisa came on. (Yeah, yeah, I’ve just had to look up his name. Anyway, the bloke with dreads. Love dreads. At least if we’re gonna be rubbish, play Lembikisa and I can at least have man-envy over his hair.) Anyway, he came on and made a few promising runs down the right.

And we had a couple of chances. Russell heads it down and the keeper makes a great diving save. Not long after, Russell gets his head to a corner. Straight at the keeper. But at least he’s getting in there and they're on target. DKD is making himself known and buzzes around the box impressively. Finally, in injury time, the two combine to pull a goal back. DKD shows what composure is by PASSING the ball into the net, via the far post. I hope Watters was watching. Time stood still as Russell rolled the ball to DKD. I believe that’s 11 goals this season. That’s just about one goal for every place we are in this league. (I hear we’re 10th, but I refuse to look at the table when we lose. Which we’ve been doing a lot of, of late.)

Onwards and upwards!

*** DKD. He’s not quite reached Tina Turner levels, but he’s certainly ‘better than all the rest’.
** Russell. Came close to scoring (twice).
* Lembikisi. Nice hair.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. DKD 2. Phillips 3= Russell / No-one

Despatches:
Did I imagine it or was Luca Connell playing left wing back part of the game? I’m hoping it was some alcohol-induced hallucination. Isn’t Farrugia a left wing back? Why not put him there, and Connell centre forward!? Actually, let’s not play anybody in their proper positions. Donovan Pines right wing. Gauci defensive mid. Earl in goal. We can’t do much worse.

As Andy alluded to, the atmosphere in the away end was terrible. If it wasn’t a deafening wall of silence, it was ‘sack the board, sack the board.’ Who’s going to sack the board? The board? Let’s start with sacking whoever’s in charge of recruitment…that bloke from Huddersfield with the Eastern European name. Pep Guardiola couldn’t turn some of these ‘rough diamonds’ into footballers; Clarke certainly can’t. In the Chron, he claimed ‘What Darrell felt we needed was a guy who could stretch the game, was physically really good, could get in behind and play as a bit of a target man’. So I bought him this Frenchman. Note: Clarke didn’t ask for someone who could score goals. So recruitment bloke gets to claim he’s done his job. (Note II: the French bloke did not stretch the game, wasn’t physically anything, couldn’t get behind and most definitely wasn’t a target man. But hey, it’s only 45 minutes in.)

As for Clarke, it's always the manager (coach) who gets it for the results. In which case, he's got 2 more matches or the board sack him for the predicament they've put him in. We are doomed, captain, doomed.

Drink du jour: Northern Monk Faith on the train; Stella in Our Lady’s Catholic social club (Andy and I got ourselves adopted by a County fan, Paula); Kronenburg at the Crown (‘this real ale thing’s going well, Andy’)...Rustic Pale dry wheat ale at Runaway, Green Arches Greenhouse hazy pale in the Petersgate Tap and finishing on Deleriums Tremens and Lumina Siren IPA in The Cracked Actor, where we got chatting on to a divorced cross dresser and his mate (also divorced). Personally, I’m looking forward to visiting Stockport again next season!

Away: 1,300 (sellout).

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
£20 train
£25 ent
= c.£53