Rotherham United 0-1 BFC, Saturday 22nd February 2025

‘Stevie Evans, your tits are offside.’

Since the advent of the play-offs, I’ve never seen an end of season game in February before – till now. ‘El Shitico’ I saw it dubbed on social media and no wonder. With both sides having zero chance of the play-offs, and only a mathematician’s hope of relegation, this was the proverbial ‘nothing to play for’. OK, aside from some sense of local pride (personally, I don’t know any Rovrum fans….does anybody?) and maintaining our incredible run against the Millers: unbeaten since 82/83 (1-0 at Millmoor). I didn’t know this, I just heard someone mention it at the game. Now, IF ONLY I knew a Rovrum fan, so I can have someone’s snout to rub this fact into. But I don’t. No-one does. 6 wins in a row now, and 10 wins and 3 draws since that defeat. Can we play you every week / month / season?

It was also our 5000th match (cheers, Oakwell historian) and, thanks to the Northampton game getting called off the other week, we have avoided the embarrassment of our club trying to celebrate this achievement at Oakwell. Instead, we’re punting aimless balls up top at the New York Stadium and relying on the Millers’ mediocrity to keep the score level. It really was a hard watch. (Pity the poor neutral.) Some bloke called Malik Wilks (angry emoji!) showed flashes, in particular outmuscling and outskilling 3 (THREE!) Reds’ players down our right flank, before doing what he does best...nothing.

Roberts was immense in our defence (there’s not enough left in the season for me to eat my words about him) but there’s 2 key moments in a goalless opening half. Firstly, Phillips is about to pull the trigger...8 yards out?...and falls over while the ball dribbles wide. It’s at the far end, but debate ensues. Surely he’s been fouled? He can’t miss from there! (Oh, he can.) Having seen replays, I’m in a minority of two. (My friend Diane also doesn’t think it’s a pen.) I don’t think there’s enough in it. There may have been contact, but I guess another thought for the ref is that if he gives it, he’s giving their player a red card. And, believe me, refs don’t want the hassle. Otherwise, Jordan Hugill misses an open goal at the back post. Didn’t he once go for 10 mill? My God.

Coach Clarke works his magic at half-time (scores at half-time this season would have us 2nd) and Rovrum are all over us. Is it the usual ‘wait till they score before doing owt’? No, our cunning tactic of hoofing it to their defenders WORKS, as the header back is too short and DKD nips in front of the keeper and takes the hit. Penalty! Phillips coolly sweeps home in front of a packed away end.

The tactic continues. We hit balls to their defenders in the hope they’ll make a mistake. Ask Andy! I’m convinced it was on purpose, cos these ‘balls into space’ hadn’t a hope of being collected by a Red. None of our forward players are fast enough to latch onto a ball. (Another phrase disappearing under Clarke, a forward player ‘latching onto’ something. The closest our players come to latching onto something is changing the lock on their backdoor.) And the worst thing was...it sort of worked. The Millers were hapless. One even decided to play basketball in his own area, but the officials were too gobsmacked to award the penalty. Anyway, Law 17, subsection 4: thou shalt not award Barnsley FC 2 penalties in the same game, it doesn’t matter WHAT the opposition do. Which is fair enough, as long as it’s in the rules. (We should be grateful we got one at all, one being our seasonal average in recent years.)

After the hour, Humphreys was put out of his centre forward misery, to be replaced (in centre forward purgatory) by the new Frenchman. If that latter bloke is a centre forward, I’m a Chinaman. (Nozzer says he isn’t, and we’re playing a wide player up top. Is that right? Say it ain’t so!) Anyway, he is absolutely WOEFUL. There it is. I’ve given him 2 halves and another half an hour, but the decision is in. Get shut. He can’t hold a ball up and will never score a goal. Not if yesterday is anything to go by. He had an early chance to shoot from 20 yards, I think he dummied it 2, 3 times...before squaring it pointlessly before the ball was played back to Connell to clear the bar from 10 yards further back than where Rodrigues had it. Utter, utter, sh*te. ‘He’s just won a header’ said Reedy, offering some consolation. Listen, heading a ball isn’t ‘winning a header’ as much as kicking a ball isn’t ‘winning the ball’. Heading it, unchallenged, back into the no-man’s land of the halfway line...and that was as good as it got. Who scouts these players? How’ve we ended up in a situation like THIS?

At some point Gauci gets hurt. He tries to play on, but collapses with 15 (plus injury time) left. Thank goodness we shipped in this Villa loanee for Kilip. Can we get the latter back on loan? Wouldn’t THAT be hilarious? Instead, the bloke we paid £200k for and wasn’t considered better than Slonina, Kilip and Gauci comes on. Who scouts these players? As it is, Jordan Smith has ONE thing to do, catch a soft header in a scramble. Rovrum are THAT poor.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Roberts. Headed, cleared, intercepted, brought the ball out (ok, the latter bit wasn’t done so well).
** Russell. So confident on the ball at the moment.
* DKD. His movement and runs caused panic.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Roberts 2. DKD 3. Russell

Despatches:
Good job we won, cos the fans were in a right abusive mood. Either ‘Rovrum’s a sh*thole’ (standard), Stevie Evans is a ‘fat Scottish ba*tard’ (he’s probably heard worse, and that’s just from his own fans) or we’re picking up on Rotherham’s recent history of child abuse. ‘You’re just a town full of groomers’ (very good, not heard ‘groomers’ in a chant before) later changed (developed?) to ‘you’re just a town full of nonces’. Ah, brought back the good old days...child abuse in Middlesbrough and a ground full of Sunderland fans chanting ‘what’s it like to f*** your kids?’ at the away end. Anyway, good job we were AWAY, cos that PA system warning our fans about naughty chanting being against the rules would’ve exploded. And that’s without mentioning the obligatory ‘sack the board’ (which I could hear from outside the ground before I’d even got in) and another chant the cognoscenti have edited from the one calling our female minority owner a slag. So progress, then.

I’m also warming to these half twelve kick-offs. Least, I was this week – I got back to Slaithwaite in time for the Moonraking Festival, where we eat, drink and be merry at our smuggler forebears’ ability to fox the local militia by claiming to be raking the moon, as they attempted to retrieve some contraband from the canal. Hundreds of people carrying lanterns on a circular walk of the village in amongst bands and other entertainment. Anyway, thanks EFL/Sky. You done good.

Drink du jour: None. Drove there. Saw match. Got out. It was for the best.

Away: 2,207 (sellout). Though I’m intrigued...other away figures at the New York this season include Wrexham (2,356), Bolton (2,166), Huddersfield (2,170) and Brum (2,168) and I bet they were all sellouts too. So if ST holders are counted, even if they don’t show up, what about away fans at Rovrum? Or do allocations slightly change depending on how much segregation the police insist on? I’ve no point to make, just wondering. (It was the same at Oakwell in our Prem season, as crowd figures slightly changed for each game despite – from memory – every game being a sellout apart from Wimbledon and Chelski (Mickey Mouse clubs).

The Damage:
c.£10 petrol
£27 ent
£3 prog
= c.£40

Pontefract Collieries 0-0 Belper Town, Tuesday 18th February 2025

Pontefract Collieries 0-0 Belper Town, Northern Premier League East, Hunters Stadium (Beechnut Lane), att. 206

Molly’s come into some money. Well, he hasn’t, but after 4 months of unemploy, he’s gone and got himself a job so is once again out from reclusiveness. So, yes, he’s up for Pontefract Colls, though he’s been before. ‘We can go to Golcar if you like’ I counter. No, he’s happy enough. No Nozzer tho, too sick to travel (I need a parental note) so it’s a 45 minute scoot, most of it M62. Tell you what – it’s easy to find this ground. Take the Pontefract turning, head towards town, and turn left after the racecourse (Beechnut Lane) and you’re there. Though Molly did say the first time he came, his satnav got lost and he ended up in some local housing estate.

I presume I’m first here and after parking up I walk back up Beechnut Lane for a pic of the...what do you call them? Welcoming boards? Anyway, one of them signs wot tells you the local football club is just down here and who and when their next game is against. Course, anyone not into football who’s driving into Ponty will just wonder what kind of lunatic you are, taking photos of signage.

The car park is vast, but I’m pleased I’ve put my boots on – it’s essentially a muddy field full of potholes. One can’t risk one’s new trainers at non-league venues, you never know when you’ll be traipsing through mud. The ground is now just over there, but in the darkness it’s not clear how to get to it. Turns out that darkness is a couple of other football pitches inbetween car park and ground.

Once at the turnstile, I receive a text from Moll. He’s already in. I pay my 9 quid and walk through what looks like a kitchen (but without the cooking implements). It’s one of the oddest entry arrangements I’ve ever seen, but at least they had a proper turnstile. Once through this building, you’re met with a snackbar and the clubhouse. And Moll (though possibly not every game for the latter). He’s still wearing the grin of relief that comes from being reacquainted with work (and money).

As you enter the perimeter of the pitch, there’s flat standing. We head left, past not one, but two seated stands adjoining each other. Apparently the seats are from Man City’s Maine Road ground, but now I think about it, can this be true? I’m sure the seats were dark blue. Anyway, I’m pleased to see the prevalence of whitewashed breezeblocks, a staple of the northern non-league scene. As is the mesh fencing which blocks our way when opened, to allow the players access to the field. Pride and joy though is the manually operated scoreboard, which remained unoperated today, neither side being tempted to score.

Opposite the main stand are the dugouts, and quite a few fans elect to stand here. The Colls’ main vocal support are stood behind the left hand goal 1st half, both these sides containing hard standing and enclosed by a fence. The other goal has a large propped roof, large enough for several steps of terracing, but demand there is none. Thus, it’s a cosy 1,200 capacity and with several local clubs nearby, I can see this place getting a decent crowd at some point. Pontefract isn’t a small place either.

It’s not a bad game, plenty of endeavour, etc, though we feel singled out by the home keeper as we stand by the perimeter, near the halfway line. One errant punt has us both scurrying for cover and Moll losing a portion of his beer. We were wise to him after that. Otherwise, Colls are unlucky with a cracking effort from the left winger, cutting inside and finding the top corner...but for keeper and post. Great save.

Half-time and a chance to have a warm in the clubhouse – I’m sure half the crowd are in here, and the other half could comfortably be accommodated. 6 beers on tap, Colls’ livery on the walls, a very tidy affair. Telly wasn’t working though. Maybe they were frightened folk would rather stay in the clubhouse for Bayern Munich – Celtic. Shame about the toilet block too, a grim affair. Nevermind the squeeze, it’s ok, I like not having paper towels or a hand dryer when I’ve just washed my hands in cold water in freezing outdoor temperatures. (Sarcasm.) But Moll does nab a half pound cheeseburger which looked good value (if you like cheese; I don’t.)

For Belper, third in the table, this was a chance to make up some ground on leaders Cleethorpes and Emley and early doors second half, they were at it. However, the Colls stood firm and, with the game heading towards goallessness, Moll took advantage of the bog and missed the game’s turning point: a Belper player took out a breaking Coll on the halfway line and received a red card. Fair play to the ref, who gave himself time to think about it, had a look at the damage done to the prone homester, before brandishing. I presume the stud marks were there for all to see.

Thereafter, midtable Colls became more adventurous, winning a succession of corners without ever looking like scoring and a rare Belper break brought a save from a one-on-one. All square, nils apiece...and I guess that means my visit doesn’t count. Oh well, it’s not too far away. Just remember to bring your walking boots.

The Damage:
£9 ent
£4.50 Beavertown Neck Oil (pint of)
= £13.50

BFC 1-2 Huddersfield Town, Saturday 15th February 2025

‘Idea wer reight, ball wer sh*te.’

What does Coach Clarke say to our players at half-time? If they’ve played badly, he says more of the same. If we’ve played well (and Hudds 1st half was the best in a while)...he tells em to revert to type. He must do. We haven’t played well in a second half since...Christ, I dunno. Even our last 2 wins (Wrexham, Crawley) we were outclassed in the second 45. In one, we hung on, in the other, we were 3 up and Kilip made save after save. So I guess it was Peterborough away, last year.

Still, what can Clarke do with the players at his disposal? I’ve heard of strength in depth, we have weakness in depth. Or strength in weakness. Weakness in strength? If I told you we were losing and the answer is ‘take your centre forward off and put Josh Benson on’ you know you’re in trouble. Humphreys was switched to CF and was so witless he was hauled for a player who can barely get a game for the under 23s (Dire). To be fair, Dire junior was probably the least hapless, actually managing a header on target. The less said about the new Frenchie Rodrigues, the better. At least he lasted 62 minutes today, or 17 more than his debut. I can’t see him completing 90 minutes anytime soon. Indeed, I can’t generally see him. What DOES he do?

Back to Clarke though, in this game of Blame Ping Pong. We came out second half and were STEAMROLLERED by Hudds. Everyone could see a goal coming. Clarke’s response? Cross his fingers and HOPE a defence including Pines would simply hold out. It didn’t, and in the space of 3 minutes we go from winning to losing. THEN he hauls Rodrigues. I’m sorry, I’m starting to think this manager HASN’T A CLUE, irrespective that the majority of his players are substandard. He could always try IMPROVING them. The clue is in the job title: ‘Coach’. (Unless it’s the other kind of coach.)

A couple of crazy goals too. We manage to concede the equaliser from our own attack: the ball is played to Humphreys’ feet and he appears to be cleaned out. (I’ve since seen it on telly and he runs slap bang into Herbie Kane, of all people, and is run over like Wile E. Coyote hitting a lorry. Weak as p***. 2 passes later, they’re clean through. It’s at times like these I wish I didn’t have such a good view of the formations. It’s painful to see just how open we are.

Maybe the goal will revitalise us? Wake us up a bit. Have another guess. The Terriers get a free kick out wide, 35-40 yards from our goal. The ball is curled in, a Town player dummies it (was it Kane again?) and the ball bobbles into the far corner as new keeper Gauci misjudges it completely. Ah, Gauci. Didn’t take him long to mess up, did it? Good job we strengthened the one area that was going vaguely well, replacing our own employee for some other club’s keeper for us to improve. Well, he’ll certainly get some practice.

There’s half an hour left and the only thing keeping the score down is that Huddersfield are already winning. Good job they weren’t looking to improve their goal difference. We continued to be terrible. Our modus operandi appeared to be to limp to the halfway line, be confronted by an opponent, then square it crossfield 30 yards to repeat the process. Throw in an aimless forward ball and possession was ceded with ease. Lembikisa came on at right back and overhit not one, not two, but three balls down the line. The American bloke came on (Jon Lewis – hopefully he comes with the department store’s fabled money back guarantee), wide left, and looked vaguely promising, in the way Humphreys looks vaguely promising when he’s out wide. We manage a total of 4 efforts on target all game…apart from the goal, that (weak) Dire header, an early DKD 20 yarder and...I can’t remember.

The goal we scored was a thing of beauty. Russell breaks from the halfway line and strides forward. Defenders retreat, he cuts inside and fires into the corner from 20 yards. He didn’t celebrate. I suspect it was cos he’s ex-Hudds, but I like to think it’s cos he knew what was coming. In the space of a year he’s gone from one of our worst players to one of our best.

We are truly dreadful.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Russell. Looked tidy in advanced positions, scored an excellent goal and made a couple of great interceptions to prevent Terriers’ breaks.
** MdG. Is he really composed? Or does he just look it in comparison with Pines and Earl?
* DKD At least LOOKS like he’s trying to score.

Official MOTM: Russell

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Russell 2. MdG 3. DKD

Despatches:
Nice Guy Chris – look away now. Our XG today was 0.4 (thanks, XG correspondent Farnham). In other words, with the shots we took, on average, we’d be expected to score nearly half a goal. Nearly half a goal. At home. Ah, home games. I think I can thank the Chron for this stat...in the last year we’ve played 22 3rd division matches at Oakwell, winning 4, drawing 9 and losing 9. Throw in a hammering in the play-off semi final and these are grim days for the average season ticket holder. 4 home wins in 23 attempts against 3rd tier opposition. Drink that in.

Still, some positive came of Satdy. I left the game richer than I arrived – I handed in mine and Nozzer’s Northampton away tickets after its postponement. I barely wanted to go on a Satdy, so Tuesday nite? No chance. There’s always next season (cries mournfully into his lap).

As for the ‘arrive 8 minutes late’ protest, I’d say as many as 93 folk may have crawled into the Ponty after 3:08pm. There were muted chants of ‘sack the board’ later on, cos ‘sack the head of recruitment’ isn’t catchy enough.

Grim.

Oh, and did I mention Hudds had been badly out of form before facing us? Just like the away game. And, just like the away game, there was only one team in it.

Drink du jour: Beavertown Gamma Ray in Spiral City.

Away: 4,502 (15,600). Very quiet after we scored, bit more lively 2nd half.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c.£8