It was also our 5000th match (cheers, Oakwell historian) and, thanks to the Northampton game getting called off the other week, we have avoided the embarrassment of our club trying to celebrate this achievement at Oakwell. Instead, we’re punting aimless balls up top at the New York Stadium and relying on the Millers’ mediocrity to keep the score level. It really was a hard watch. (Pity the poor neutral.) Some bloke called Malik Wilks (angry emoji!) showed flashes, in particular outmuscling and outskilling 3 (THREE!) Reds’ players down our right flank, before doing what he does best...nothing.
Roberts was immense in our defence (there’s not enough left in the season for me to eat my words about him) but there’s 2 key moments in a goalless opening half. Firstly, Phillips is about to pull the trigger...8 yards out?...and falls over while the ball dribbles wide. It’s at the far end, but debate ensues. Surely he’s been fouled? He can’t miss from there! (Oh, he can.) Having seen replays, I’m in a minority of two. (My friend Diane also doesn’t think it’s a pen.) I don’t think there’s enough in it. There may have been contact, but I guess another thought for the ref is that if he gives it, he’s giving their player a red card. And, believe me, refs don’t want the hassle. Otherwise, Jordan Hugill misses an open goal at the back post. Didn’t he once go for 10 mill? My God.
Coach Clarke works his magic at half-time (scores at half-time this season would have us 2nd) and Rovrum are all over us. Is it the usual ‘wait till they score before doing owt’? No, our cunning tactic of hoofing it to their defenders WORKS, as the header back is too short and DKD nips in front of the keeper and takes the hit. Penalty! Phillips coolly sweeps home in front of a packed away end.
The tactic continues. We hit balls to their defenders in the hope they’ll make a mistake. Ask Andy! I’m convinced it was on purpose, cos these ‘balls into space’ hadn’t a hope of being collected by a Red. None of our forward players are fast enough to latch onto a ball. (Another phrase disappearing under Clarke, a forward player ‘latching onto’ something. The closest our players come to latching onto something is changing the lock on their backdoor.) And the worst thing was...it sort of worked. The Millers were hapless. One even decided to play basketball in his own area, but the officials were too gobsmacked to award the penalty. Anyway, Law 17, subsection 4: thou shalt not award Barnsley FC 2 penalties in the same game, it doesn’t matter WHAT the opposition do. Which is fair enough, as long as it’s in the rules. (We should be grateful we got one at all, one being our seasonal average in recent years.)
After the hour, Humphreys was put out of his centre forward misery, to be replaced (in centre forward purgatory) by the new Frenchman. If that latter bloke is a centre forward, I’m a Chinaman. (Nozzer says he isn’t, and we’re playing a wide player up top. Is that right? Say it ain’t so!) Anyway, he is absolutely WOEFUL. There it is. I’ve given him 2 halves and another half an hour, but the decision is in. Get shut. He can’t hold a ball up and will never score a goal. Not if yesterday is anything to go by. He had an early chance to shoot from 20 yards, I think he dummied it 2, 3 times...before squaring it pointlessly before the ball was played back to Connell to clear the bar from 10 yards further back than where Rodrigues had it. Utter, utter, sh*te. ‘He’s just won a header’ said Reedy, offering some consolation. Listen, heading a ball isn’t ‘winning a header’ as much as kicking a ball isn’t ‘winning the ball’. Heading it, unchallenged, back into the no-man’s land of the halfway line...and that was as good as it got. Who scouts these players? How’ve we ended up in a situation like THIS?
At some point Gauci gets hurt. He tries to play on, but collapses with 15 (plus injury time) left. Thank goodness we shipped in this Villa loanee for Kilip. Can we get the latter back on loan? Wouldn’t THAT be hilarious? Instead, the bloke we paid £200k for and wasn’t considered better than Slonina, Kilip and Gauci comes on. Who scouts these players? As it is, Jordan Smith has ONE thing to do, catch a soft header in a scramble. Rovrum are THAT poor.
Onwards and upwards!
*** Roberts. Headed, cleared, intercepted, brought the ball out (ok, the latter bit wasn’t done so well).
** Russell. So confident on the ball at the moment.
* DKD. His movement and runs caused panic.
Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Roberts 2. DKD 3. Russell
Despatches:
Good job we won, cos the fans were in a right abusive mood. Either ‘Rovrum’s a sh*thole’ (standard), Stevie Evans is a ‘fat Scottish ba*tard’ (he’s probably heard worse, and that’s just from his own fans) or we’re picking up on Rotherham’s recent history of child abuse. ‘You’re just a town full of groomers’ (very good, not heard ‘groomers’ in a chant before) later changed (developed?) to ‘you’re just a town full of nonces’. Ah, brought back the good old days...child abuse in Middlesbrough and a ground full of Sunderland fans chanting ‘what’s it like to f*** your kids?’ at the away end. Anyway, good job we were AWAY, cos that PA system warning our fans about naughty chanting being against the rules would’ve exploded. And that’s without mentioning the obligatory ‘sack the board’ (which I could hear from outside the ground before I’d even got in) and another chant the cognoscenti have edited from the one calling our female minority owner a slag. So progress, then.
I’m also warming to these half twelve kick-offs. Least, I was this week – I got back to Slaithwaite in time for the Moonraking Festival, where we eat, drink and be merry at our smuggler forebears’ ability to fox the local militia by claiming to be raking the moon, as they attempted to retrieve some contraband from the canal. Hundreds of people carrying lanterns on a circular walk of the village in amongst bands and other entertainment. Anyway, thanks EFL/Sky. You done good.
Drink du jour: None. Drove there. Saw match. Got out. It was for the best.
Away: 2,207 (sellout). Though I’m intrigued...other away figures at the New York this season include Wrexham (2,356), Bolton (2,166), Huddersfield (2,170) and Brum (2,168) and I bet they were all sellouts too. So if ST holders are counted, even if they don’t show up, what about away fans at Rovrum? Or do allocations slightly change depending on how much segregation the police insist on? I’ve no point to make, just wondering. (It was the same at Oakwell in our Prem season, as crowd figures slightly changed for each game despite – from memory – every game being a sellout apart from Wimbledon and Chelski (Mickey Mouse clubs).
The Damage:
c.£10 petrol
£27 ent
£3 prog
= c.£40
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