Peterborough United 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 18th October 2014

‘Normal service has resumed’

Giant poppy at Kings X

Satdy matchday, missed trains, smashed vodka bottle, sleeping in on bus, lost game.  My shortest match report yet!

One of our oldies but goldies, P’boro away, was back.  Hampshire Tykes were out in force (if you can include Phil arriving later; an early bus journey was held up, the driver not being too happy about being called a c*** by a passenger.)  Even Tim had turned out, complete with 17 year old female.  Our worries re: Lucy were assuaged though: he was only pimping for his son, Jack, who this young lady apparently likes.  Odd, she seemed much more intelligent than that.

Loving a bit of tradition, we made our usual journey to the Cherry Tree – only we got waylaid and never made it.  Pompey needed the toilet and ‘ooh look!  There’s a pub on a barge!’  Even better, it was full of real ales and Krombacher Weizen.  I seem to remember a 5.9% pale ale (Jaipur?) which everyone had afterwards as well to dull the pain.

I'm swaying.  It's like I'm on a boat or summink.

Of course, the terrace is no more.  In its place has gone up another run of the mill breeze block and meccano construction which will presumably open quite soon.  In the meantime, we were allotted a chunk of the old stand to the old terrace’s right.  Decent turnout too and plenty of noise, at least till it all went wrong sometime in the second half.

The Future.  Dull dull dull.

We scored early on.  Hourihane played it out wide where Bree had all the time in the world to whip in a cross which Cole spectacularly volleyed into the net.  Then we sat back – for 75 minutes.  The midfield was overrun, the forwards never saw the ball and for a manager who got us promotion with an exciting 3-5-2 wing back formation, we stuck rigidly to 4-4-2 with Nyatanga and Bree steadfastly refusing to push up in support. 

Posh hit the post with a long shot but just as we were limping towards half time, Williams tippy-tapped the ball to them instead of clearing and BOSH, a low shot found the corner of Turnbull’s net.  Of course, plenty of Reds fans were willing to have a go at Williams, the same Reds fans who a minute earlier were bemoaning our defence for booting it long.  You can’t win.  For what it’s worth, if we’re to get back to passing ways, it will need time, effort and practice.  It won’t happen overnight.

The 2^nd 45 was one-way traffic. While Turnbull had little to do, we couldn’t get out of our half.  Ramage and Crainie marshalled the centre, while Bailey was having a great game in defensive-mid, up until the moment he got sent off.  I could see why he was given the second yellow, though equally the ref could’ve settled for the free kick.  I can’t remember the 1^st booking.

By then we were 2-1 down, a 25 yard free kick finding the top corner.  I don’t quite know how their player did it, he barely had a run up.  Being ‘lucky’ enough to be right behind it, it was in all the way.  So let’s give him his dues.  We’d have gone bananas if it was us.

Thereafter, it was damage limitation.  Turnbull pulled off a couple of great saves and we managed one attack with 10 men, but, really, it was a forlorn hope against a good Peterborough side.

If you pay enough, you can apparently have your own mascot...(sad)

*** Ramage.  Headers, tackles, interceptions.  There’s a reason Turnbull had little to do.
** Captain Fantastic.  It takes two, you know, to defend as well as we did in central defence.
* Bailey.  Covered the defence well.

Despatches:
Williams was awful, Winnall was back to his usual worst (weak) while most of us weren’t too impressed with Danny’s lack of tactical nouse.  Were we REALLY that scared of Peterborough?  Bree lost it a few times in dangerous positions (but he's young enough to learn), while Cole looked as if he could do a job if he had any support.  As for Hourihane, has he done anything since being voted Division 3 player of the month for September?

Afterwards, we found an Asda for the beer run.  And while Andy et al went on ahead to the station, I made the mistake of staying behind for Phil, who apparently doesn’t know how to use one of them there self-service tills.  Having been told off by the elderly assistant for swearing (Phil, not me), we finally got out of there.  Time was against us, and so was the fence Phil couldn’t/wouldn’t climb over…so anyway, we missed the train and Andy had the vodka, and the sausage rolls, paid for by me.  GRRRRRRR!

After afterwards, we all had beers in The Parcel Yard before Andy and I met our 1^st ever Shrewsbury fan in Mabels, before I dragged Andy for beers in Bloomsbury with some genuine Scouse Liverpool fans.  And then I fell asleep on the bus home – different bus, different random part of London to wake up in…West Norwood.  But it got worse before it got better.  As I walked along the street, what was left of the vodka (ie, most of it) jumped out of my open bag and crashed onto West Norwood high street.  Brilliant.

Oh well – at least the bus came quite quickly.  And it took my mind off the defeat for a few seconds.

The teams are paraded.

Guest report - Fulham 1 - 0 Norwich, Saturday 18 October 2014

For some reason Geordie Al passed on the opportunity to see the mighty Canaries trip to west London with me. 

A glimpse of the Cottage

It seemed like a popular choice of away trip, we spotted many Canary colours as we walked from Putney train station over the bridge. It was the 4th pub we tried that had enough space for us to find somewhere to stand - the other three had a good smattering of yellow shirts.  

The walk to the ground through a park was a pleasant change from some walks to other grounds. Fulham had pyro dogs sniffing around the turnstiles, but didn't bother to search my bag which meant I held on to my bottle of water, good job too as the concourse was packed at half time. 

Where's the end of the queue?

I didn't hold out much hope for a win after reading the stats in the programme, with Norwich not having beaten Fulham since the 80s but with an average of 2 goals to Fulham and 1 to Norwich at least there would be action. 

Neither team looked in top form from the outset. I think there were more throw ins from misplaced passes than I've seen in any match before (and I've seen a lot of Barnsley matches). Even when they got a throw in Norwich managed two foul throws. I hope Adams has called them all into training today to do throw in practice. 

Norwich had a good first 10 minutes, but then Fulham started playing a bit and they somehow managed to manoeuvre into the penalty box and have a shot on goal, which went in. 

The Canaries were sent out early from half time and were much brighter in the second half, winning a slightly dodgy penalty just a few minutes into the half. It hit the crossbar. 

Penalty miss

The misplaced pass issue continued and it became increasingly obvious Bradley Johnson was having a nightmare. It seemed everyone could see it apart from the manager because Johnson stayed on the pitch to the very end. Hooperman was sent on towards the end of the half but it didn't feel like he did much except get in Cameron Jerome's way for a chance. 

There was a shot that hit the bar at one point but even though Norwich were pressurising it just didn't feel like they would score a goal. Why? Fulham's centre back number 33, Burn, just seemed to be on the end of everything. 

Afterwards me and the 3 OAPs I had in tow headed back to the pub to get a sit down. Why do away fans think it is big and clever to stand up for the whole match? I've paid for a SEAT.
 

We rounded off the day trip with some food at my local Italian. My pizza was probably the best bit of the whole day.

Barnsley 3-1 Bradford City, Sunday 12th October 2014

'Statistically, I'm always right'

The newly renamed Pukka Pies East Stand

So, this is what it’s like to be a Premiership team, is it?  A mid-afternoon kick off on a Sunday.  I can’t say I’m a fan – so lucky we’re not returning to the Premiership any time soon.  I’ve been looking at a cost-benefit analysis of this 'ere Sunday football:

Benefit	Cost
£20k off Sky (if that!)	Early morning start on a SUNDAY
Satdy shopping in Oxford Street	Fewer Londontykes travelling
Missing the England game	Missing church
	Train journey longer
	Constant jibber of small child on train
	‘drink inhibitor’ (A. Reed) of work next day
	Expensive train tickets (£29.40 WITH 1/3 off!)
	Tesco and café in Kings X shut
	Satdy shopping in Oxford Street
	‘Mermaids’ and the chippy by The Mount shut

There it is – fairly conclusive I’d have thought.  Obviously, I’m not including the ‘benefit’ of actually winning a home game, cos I doubt moving our games to the Sabbath will GUARANTEE victory.  (Though perhaps Mansford is considering it).  And so it was that I found myself having a lager in a plastic glass pre-match (Redfearns).  Sigh.  Could things GET any worse?  Well, try giving it 46 seconds at Oakwell, time enough for the Bantams to take the lead, a slick passing move between 3 or 4 players including only one effort at a tackle (failed).  I wouldn’t even mind, but they’d already made it to our box once.  Good effort Reds!

Thereafter, I thought City controlled the half, with us resorting to hoofs upfield to forwards who couldn’t hold a ball up (Cole, Winnall) while we were generally restricted to long shots.  Fair enough, there were some decent efforts, though Winnall hit one he could’ve passed and driven into the box, while he also spurned our best (only?) chance, hitting the bar having taken the ball wide.  Half-time, 0-1, and Moll musing on impending relegation.  Me too.

Lots of happy Bantams (half time).

But who was that team in red, second half?  With Williams (?) running at ‘em from midfield and Cole running at ‘em up front, Bradford were s***ing themselves.  Yet before any inroads could be made in open play, a beautiful in-swinging free kick was headed home by Nyatanga.  Or them.  Who cares???  And before you knew it, Nyatanga, in a perfect position to shoot, lays it across goal for Winnall to tap home – yet he didn’t, he blasted it low into the net.  Fabulous play from Nyatanga, I can’t think of many players at Oakwell who would have gone for the pass.  And great run from Winnall.  Linekeresque.  Let’s hope this gives him the confidence to go on.

Towards the end, as they camped in our half without ever looking like they had a clue, we were breaking 3 on 3 time and again and Hemmings (on as sub) nailed it, sidefooting home from the edge of the box after Hourihane’s cross deflected into his path.  Cool finish.

Overall – even if it was only one half – it was by far the best I’ve seen us this season.  Though I find it slightly disconcerting that the team includes 3 loan players.  Every year ‘tis the same: we’re gonna develop our own players, we lose a couple of games, panic, ship in the loanees.  But where would we be without ‘em?

Happy Tykes (full time).

*** Winnall.  Sponsors MOTM.  Go on then.  He DID score, had another super effort saved (sidestepping a defender and hitting it early) and willingly tracked back.  And he only did his pathetic swallow dive once, towards the end. 

** Manchester City’s Devante Cole.  Pace and strength, if not actual skill, but he scares the bejeezus out of defenders when he runs at them and with 3 (count ‘em!) players up in support – Winnall, Hourihane, Williams – the ball was always likely to drop for us at some point.

* Fulham’s Ryan Williams.  Slow start , as he took players on and lost it, but once he got his eye in, was leaving players for dead.  Like a good Paddy McCourt, but instead of dribbling in a pointless figure of eight, would actually head towards goal and pass the ball.

Match action

Despatches:

I don’t have much else to add.  Individually, I thought everyone had a decent game.  And for once, Turnbull had little to do, they only had one shot on target (scored).

Oh yes, actually I DO have something to add.  Why is our vocal element also the RACIST element?  Fingers crossed the Sky microphones didn’t pick up the chants of ‘Town full of Pakis’ and ‘You’re just a small town in Asia’ cos you could hear it in the Pukka Pies East Stand (!?).  Yes, it’s tiresome, having away fans chant ‘Barnsley’s a sh*thole’ while not actioning their civil right to actually go home, though at least a better response came later with ‘I’m glad we’re at home….Bradford’s a sh*thole…I’m glad we’re at home’.  This one could run and run.  Apart from when we play Yeovil, obvs.

Drink du jour:  As I said, we were taking it easy, Monday being a school day and all.  After one in the Tap we had a few bottles of Becks on the way home.  Sainsburys Local didn’t have the greatest choice.

Onwards and upwards!!!!!!!!!

Away: 2000.  Good turnout, considering it was on Sky.

Oh yes!

Rochdale 0-1 Barnsley, Saturday 4th October 2014

‘Weeing for men is so win.’

Welcome to Rochdale!  (ok, actually 'goodbye'...check out the length of shadow)

We had to win this game.  Up against Reds ‘legends’ Hill, Dawson, Done and Kennedy (the latter didn’t play; shame, I was looking forward to giving him some ‘advice’), anything less than victory against those who played such starring roles in making us the 3^rd division team that we are, would’ve been nothing short of disaster.  Or another way of looking at it was play-off placed Rochdale were home to 3^rd bottom Barnsley.

Expectant Reds fans

...and their flags

Wilson has obviously been listening to me.  M’Voto and Nyatanga were no more in the centre of defence, on-loan Ramage partnering Captain Fantastic.  (I called this before the game – ask Andy).  Dudgeon was swept aside at left back and Nyatanga switched over.  Still not perfect, but a start.  And what do we get?  A CLEAN SHEET!!!  Though it’s fair to say Rochdale had the majority of play and the vast majority of shots.  But instead of players having all day to pick a spot, an impending challenge here and there made them rush and, remember, these are 3^rd division players.  Coupled with the one time they DID break through, Turnbull pulled off a fabulous one-on-one save.  So, deserved?  Not really, but we certainly dug deep and the decent backing (1000+) were rewarded.

Blazing sunshine, floodlights on.

Obviously, being so far away, Londontyke numbers were down, but me, Reedy and the flag made it.  We joined Wadd and new lucky mascot Aimee (it was her 1^st away game!) in Manchester for the 13 minute train ride to Rochdale.  No wonder they’re so poorly supported, with City and United on their doorstep.  Anyway, after the slagging off of Port Vale / Burslem and its football fans t’other week, I can only say positives about Rochdale.  Decent fans, very humble and surroundings that don’t look like Beirut circa 1983.  In fact, you can even see the surrounding Pennines from most of the town, though admittedly it was a bizarre walk to find the pub, with ‘Rochdale’s by-pass built straight through it’ (that was one of their lads).  Great beers at The Baum, CAMRA pub of the year for Oldham, Bury and Rochdale, I think I read.  And we even picked up a Reds’ stray, ‘Ollie’, who’d come over from Sheffield on a whim.

Half time at any Barnsley away game

*** Berry.  I thought he had a decent game, picking off stray passes and making tackles in midfield.  In fact, the more I watched him, the better he looked.

** Damage.  1 or 2 dodgy moments, but I’ll settle for a clean sheet and the winner in every game.  I’d certainly settle for not having Nyatanga and M’Voto as the centre back ‘partnership’.

* Turnbull.  Faultless, though most of it was ‘bread and butter’ thanks to better defending this week.  Crucial save to keep it 0-1.

Despatches:
Cole looked dangerous and really ought to have had a penalty before the one he did get.  You can see why players go down easily when, if you try and stay on your feet, you get nowt.  For the pen, great save from their keeper, I’ll not be too harsh on Hourihane, though it would have been nice for him to move onto 7 for the season.  I believe he currently has as many as the 4 forwards put together.  Treacy was barely noticeable on the wing, before being subbed.  Bree looked good at right back.  Oh, and ‘Winnall’ ought to be named ‘Lose Everything’ cos he does.  And I think Dawson enjoyed the ‘banter’, despite losing.

Hourihane has last minute pen saved

Drinks du jour:  Lager lager lager.  Stella, Hoegaarden, Leffe, San Miguel…a couple of random Weiss biers in the Tap.  I managed to stay awake on the bus, but my hangover wasn’t any less on Sunday.

Onwards and upwards!!!!!!!!!

A

Barnsley 0-3 Swindon Town, Saturday 27th September 2014

‘The cage might be open but the beast is asleep.’

3 matches I’ve seen.  3 defeats.  It just gets worse.  Particularly of concern is that no matter how well Turnbull plays in goal, we are leaking all over the place.  From where I’m sitting, we’re carrying 3 of a 4 man defence.  And I can’t blame the foetus that is Bree – he’s only 16.  (Says a lot for Brown, who he replaced).   So I’ll concern myself with the other 2.

Dudgeon – Slacki was spitting feathers at this guy’s awfulness on Saturday.  Interesting that the Robins targeted him and not the aforesaid 16 year old.  All 3 (that number again!) goals came from Dudgeon’s side.  #1, their guy cuts inside and he’s somehow clean through, 10 yards out and sidefoots home. Where’s everyone else?  Well, actually, the rest of the defence is all there – but they’ve retreated at such a rate of knots that they’ve ran past this bloke and are standing marking nobody.

#2, same again, only this time their player has to pass the ball to an unmarked individual, while Nyatanga belatedly goes across to cover.  #3 is a comedy in its own right, as we cede possession direct from kick off (Dudgeon managing to keep the ball in, only for their winger to nick it and sprint 50 yards clear). The cross then hits a defender and falls nicely into the path of a Townie to knock home.  Cue boos and and a semi-mass walkout.  Talk about history repeating itself, it was only a fortnight since MK stuck 5 past us.

I dunno who it was asked, but ‘why are left backs so s***?’  Good question.  I don’t think we’ve had a decent left back since Chris Barker (and Slacki will argue over that one too, tho at least he brought in £600k!)  Kennedy, McEveley, Heckingbottom, Williams,…Gibbs.  And that’s not even mentioning the ones on loan (Dickenson, Andy Holt…anymore?)  That is 14 years of unbroken sh*teness.  I heard someone say the on-loan Dudgeon ‘wasn’t Premiership class’.  Well, at this rate, he’s not even 3^rd division class.  Like the bunch mentioned, he’s heading towards non-league obscurity, or eking out a career at Port Vale (who’re higher than us in the table, at least).

Then there’s Lewin Bl**dy Nyatanga, who, for me, is the invisible man.  How does a centre half manage to be so anonymous?  I realise one or 2 on here love him to bits cos he’s not ‘Captain Fantastic’ but what I want in a defender is the ability to defend.  Or at least organise the ones around him to do it. Nyatanga does neither.  That’s 10 conceded in 3 games and he’s been the one constant.  Apart from his non-existence, my favourite bit of Nyatanganism on Satdy was when he went out wide left to head a ball and he somehow headed it into our own area.  So, out of position AND doing their job for them. Get rid.

As a team, apart from an inability to pass, head, tackle, shoot, etc, the one big problem appears to be the team’s lack of pace.  Swindon..and Port Vale…and MK…were just too fast for us.  Oddly, the only time we looked anything like was when he brought on the fatboys...Treacy and Jennings….and even then we went from 0-1 to 0-3.  There aren’t many things more demoralising in life than having Swindon fans sing ‘we score when we want’ at you.  Thank god they only wanted 3.

*** Turnbull.  Sponsors MOTM.  3 fantastic saves, otherwise…well, we’d have lost by even more than we did.

** No-one.  F*** em.

* ditto.

Despatches:
Perhaps playing 3 forwards wasn’t the way forward (sorry!)  We looked a lot more balanced as an attacking unit once he took one of them off (along with defensive midfield ‘lynchpin’ Crainie).  Yet still we only forced 2 real saves the whole match, though M’Voto missed a great chance early doors, ghosting in late from a free kick to sky it.

Drink du jour:

By my reckoning I had 8 pints and a fair share of vodka and JD on the train.  Proof that I’m not built for this was falling asleep on the bus and finding myself in Clapham Park.  Again.  Cue a walk and a bus back where I’m recognised by an ex pupil who asked ‘are you drunk?’  As if.  I was way beyond drunk….

Away: 486

Port Vale 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 20th September 2014

‘I wasn’t much impressed with your bunch.’  ‘Neither were we’.

2 games I’m back and already we’re in the groove – played 2, lost 2.  And if conceding 5 against MK was bad enough, yesterday we lost to a managerless side who’d lost 6 on the spin.  Well done BFC.

It was a decent turnout from the (ex) Londontykes…Molly, Wadd, Hicksy, Neil…while I made my lonesome way to Vale Park.  It was just like my continental tour, just me, with my MP3 player and a black civil rights book for company.  Great.

I’d not been to Vale for nigh on 25 years, and for various reasons, it may be another 25 before I do so again.  What a s***hole Burslem is (note to chanting Reds fans: there is no such place as ‘Port Vale’, which makes your assertion about it being a s***hole and wanting to go home somewhat redundant).  Don’t get me wrong, most of the places we visit are s***holes, but this really is a down at heel place.  Buildings boarded up, a lack of shops of any description and the 1^st 2 pubs I passed (and 3 out of 4) shut down.  

Once I hit the ‘town centre’ itself, most pubs proudly declared ‘HOME FANS ONLY’.  Actually, they could amend this to ‘SHAVEN HEADED HOME FANS ONLY’ since they appeared to be the only clientele.  There really was an edge to this place as I strolled on through in my red Reds’ tracky top.  (I’d taken out my earphones though, I didn’t want to be ‘surprised’ a la Hicksy t’other year, with a blow to the back of the head).  I did have the name and address of an away friendly pub, but getting lost on the way ruled that one out.  (I saw the Vale floodlights on a hill the other side of the valley and thought ‘oh dear’).

So, got to the ground about 2:30, enough time to wander around and chat to the fanzine seller amongst others (there ARE some decent Vale fans out there).  Great ‘zine too – hope the WSB guys picked up a copy!  Said guy also told me about the new price increases made on the back of 6 consecutive defeats - £25 if you buy your tickets less than 3 hours before KO (£22 otherwise), a cynical ploy designed to rob the away, or casual, fan.  No wonder their crowds are so low.

Met Neil in the queue to get in.  An alcohol-less day brought home just how drunk everyone else was, Neil included.  Ba5tards.  Stilll, nice of Wadd to let me finish his dregs off inside – I needed it.  And good news, Turnbull in for Davies in goal.  And bad news – Brown still getting a game.  Why?

The match?  Well, just look at the stats.  Basically, they had shedloads of shots, most of which Turnbull saved and they scored with a free kick off the post which never went higher than head-height.  Did it go THROUGH the wall?  Dunno.  2^nd half, we perhaps had more purpose and within a couple of minutes of Winnall coming on we got the world’s softest penalty as Hourihane flung himself to the floor right in front of us.  The New Redfearn © then banged the ball in off a post like it was one of his 25 yarders.  One-all and all to play for.  Then the ref gives the world’s second softest penalty, as their bloke just stops in front of M’Voto then takes a dive.  Justice done though as their pen taker finds the orbit.  As both teams then trade blows looking for the winner, there’s no danger as Jamal Campbell Ryce…sorry, Mark Marshall…collects the ball out wide with 2 Reds players on him.  Thankfully, Dudgeon and Crainie retreat and retreat into their own box and now they’re too petrified to make a tackle, JCR darts between them, cuts back to beat Dudgeon again, before firing home.  A great winner (them), shocking defence (us).  

*** Turnbull.  Kept us in it, though 1 or 2 hairy moments in his catching.
** M’Voto.  Just keep banging balls to his head and he’ll keep heading them 25-30 yards.
* Jennings, for running about?  Bree, for replacing Brown at HT? (And a sublime beating of his player early doors).  I’ll go Jennings, after the slating I gave him last week.

Despatches:
After the game, I had to dash.  Good job.  Plenty of likely looking lads in groups (on both sides) obviously out for trouble.  Plus the police.  (Vale must have one of the highest police to fan ratios in the league, and no wonder).  Whatever the ins and outs – did a nice policeman REALLY put a Barnsley fan’s head through a car window, as I heard in the bogs at Stoke railway station? – coming out of Vale Park was like a lower division St. Andrews.  What is it about the West Midlands?  (Would I be a violent psychopath if I lived here?  Answer: probably).  Mind, whether it was the drink, or frustration, but I don’t like to hear stories of Reds fans fighting each other in the away toilets – ask Neil for details; eye witness rather than protagonist, mercifully).  And who were all these Reds fans anyway?  700+ attended, yet I barely recognised anybody.  Is Vale away the game for the numpties?  Let’s hope they (or us) get relegated and avoid each other next season.

Once at Stoke station (4 miles and a train journey from Longport – where? – away) I crossed the road to a hotel bar to ‘enjoy’ a pint as the only customer, and when I came out the road was closed off by police and 20-30 coppers milling about.  Seems they’d escorted 10-15 Reds fans (Neil included), whether for their or others’ safety, who knows?  Has anyone been to Stoke by rail before?  Me neither, so I was as surprised as anyone that there’s FA there (the city centre being 10 mins away).  What a place.

Player despatches:
The defence was s***, the midfield was s*** and the forwards were s***.  One stat I saw today was that we had 57% possession.  Fat lot of use that is when we stand around looking at each other while Vale get back to defend.  The Valiants meantime passed and moved and tore through us enough times to score 5 or 6.  

Damage:
£44 return to Stoke; £2.70 return to Longport; £25 ent; £1 fanzine (bargain.  Sample line regarding their new Swiss signing: ‘I like Swiss football.  Always a good game for the neutral.’)  And they described their new coach as ‘veteran thug Michael Brown’ (who enjoyed the chants of the travelling ‘hordes’ as he warmed up).  In one cartoon he’s shown teaching his ‘values’; ‘Right, that’s how you elbow someone in the face.  Now for the 2-footed tackle.’  Tw*t.

Drink du jour:  San Miguel, from the local Co-op in Burslem.  I couldn’t contemplate a dry return journey.  Not after that.

roll on next week - Swindon, who only knocked 5 past the Blunts yesterday.

A

Barnsley 3-5 Franchise FC, Saturday 13th September 2014

The Peckham jury have considered their verdict:

Welcome back...

I don’t know where to start.  What a way to start (my) season.  79 minutes in and we’re 5-0 down to some 3^rd division side who didn’t even have a team 10 years ago.  WTF?  And the worst thing was, they probably deserved it.  Time and time again we couldn’t pass a ball 10 yards to another player, while they passed and moved their way to time and chances in and around our box.  I wouldn’t even care, but there were always plenty of men back for us, yet still MK always had a man spare.  It was doing my f***ing nut.

Then of course, there were the 3 or 4 abysmal, abysmal individual performances.  So I’m almost starting with ‘Despatches’ now.

Brown is absolutely DREADFUL.  He is never a right back in a million years.  He is to tackling what Julian Clary is to MMA.  Can’t or won’t make a tackle.  In fact, it took him 91 minutes to put a foot in.  (Just like it took Dale Jennings 92 minutes to beat a player).  As I’ve read all your missives on earlier games, all of these players merge into one….Berry, Bree, Bailey, Brown…so I’ve no idea what people have made of this player, but to call him a footballer is to call Wiseman world class.  Yes, I honestly reckon he’s worse than Scott Wiseman.  Bring back a 97 year old Hassell if this is what I’m gonna be served.  Or at the very least, get Jean-Yves in the middle and shunt Crainie out wide.

Phew, I felt better for that.  Cos however dogs*** Davies is in goal, at least he’s only the reserve keeper.  Turnbull simply HAS to get fit soon.  This guy is a calamity.  It’s one thing saying Luke Steele couldn’t kick, but this bloke is worse.  So he must be a good keeper to make up for it, right?  Ah.  How a goalkeeper of Mark Crossley’s calibre can see something in this guy, I know not.  It’s no use saving a couple once you’ve given the opposition a 2 goal headstart….and falling on your ar5e to let a soft 4^th in doesn’t help either.  On the plus side, I presume he comes cheap.

Jennings however (or ‘Dale Mellis’ as some wag on the BBS christened him) must be on a big wage, and the least I expect of the waged is some effort.  Was it 7 or 8 times (in the 1^st half) he couldn’t be bothered to track back after losing the ball?  I wondered (seriously) if it was Wilson’s tactic…get Jennings to save his energy for attacking.  Well, if that was the case it didn’t work.  And I don’t remember him being quite the fat f*** he is either.  Stocky, yes, but he now looks like a barrel (though not as useful, or tasty).  I’d stick him on the bench till he can be ar5ed.  Whether it’s ‘Mellis Syndrome’, who knows, but (Dale) you’re not too good for us and if you want a career you’d better start putting a shift in.

0-1 MK hit a 25 yarder straight at the keeper, who pops it on a plate for the centre forward.

0-2 Dudgeon completely misses the ball, allowing the winger to cut it back for an on-jogging (note: not ‘onrushing’) player to hit home through the keeper’s hands.

0-3 Brown steadfastly refuses to close down their winger, who lays it back for a teammate to stroll it in while 6 other BFC defenders watch.

0-4 Dudgeon loses it and Digby compounds the error leaving their bloke to run 30 yards unchallenged to stroke the ball in on the near post while the keeper sits down and has a break.

0-5 Nyatanga is turned/moves out of the way to let their bloke clear and his mate knocks it in.  Listen, Lewis – at least get in the f***er's way, even if you can’t make the tackle.

F*** me.

And there it was.  More than 10 minutes to go and well and truly routed.  A good number of fans left at three, some at four, though if you were still in the ground at 4 you were one of those sad f***s who wanted to see the whole game and your reward was to witness a 5th.  (The exception here was Salisbury, who snuck out at 5, missed our 1^st, then snuck in again).

Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Hourihane smashed home a 25 yarder.  Then Cole had a shot cleared off the line and loads of Barnsley fans started cheering.  Oh, it’s a goal.  (Turns out the clearance was behind the line).  3-5 and a couple of thousand Reds fans could got all excited.  We had 4 mins of injury time to complete the impossible, but despite nearly scoring a 4^th, MK saw out the last few minutes comfortably.

*** Cole.  Came on, changed the game.  Pacey, strong and an eye for goal.  Gone in January.

** Hourihane.  Sponsors MOTM.  Even in a quiet game, apart from his goals he hit the post and made the pass of the match to put Cole clean through.  Is he the new Redfearn?  Do I have to change my cat's name?

* Digby.  Came on as sub and passed the ball to his own players, before the one he didn’t (0-4).

(almost) respectsble

Despatches:
I understand Bailey is normally central mid, but I’d certainly like to see more of Digby.  How can a player good enough for England under 19s NOT be good enough for US?  Berry was largely anonymous out wide (him and Jennings kept swapping, about the only time Jennings moved) while Dudgeon made mistakes but threw himself into the tackle, at least.  Crainie and Nyatanga were…well…invisible.  I never really noticed either have a BAD game, but when you’re 5-0 down, something hasn’t gone right in defence.  Meantime, I thought the front 2 (Lita, Hemmings) weren’t too bad, starved of the ball as they were.  Certainly, I think Lita would prefer to have the ball played to his feet, rather than a defender’s head.

So, that’s it.  The crowd were their normal silent apathetic selves (thank god – who likes change?) while even MK’s 363 gave up, beyond the ‘Easy! Easy!’ chant every time they scored – so about every 5 mins then.

Drink du jour: Touchy subject.  Nevermind the Two Ronnies – try the Two Andies.  Like the shooting of JFK, this one will remain a mystery – but who WAS to blame for the dropping and breaking of a one litre bottle of vodka before it had even been opened?  AND I still had to pay for my share, soaked into the train carpet as it was.  (Reedy – calm down, only kidding).

Once back in London, a couple of pints in the Parcel Yard, then Reedy insisted on taking me and Marius to an indie club that stunk of vomit and a heavy metal club wot didn’t.  Home at 5:30am and I didn’t even fall asleep on a bus.  I couldn’t do this every week, not at my age.  (Also, I shouldn’t have to tell my friends to stop pointing at the lesbian couple ‘making out’ in the metal bar!)

Overall then – I’m optimistic.  Sounds weird, after such a beating, but all we need is a right back, the rest we already have.  Top 8, at least.

Onwards and upwards!
A

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