BFC 1-1 Cambridge United, Saturday 22nd March 2025

‘You know that McCarthy...he’s not a sponsor or something, is he?’

For the past few home games I’ve driven over to Barnsley with the same thought: I hope I’ve missed the match. In an age where our home games sometimes kick-off at 12:30 on a Satdy afternoon, what chance me not taking any notice, preparing for a 3pm KO and getting there accordingly? Consequently, there’s always the slight hope when I enter Spiral that the game is up and away and while I’m imbibing, I’m not watching THAT shower of sh*te. But then I see Reedy, Cynthia, Nozzer et al and realise that no, kick-off IS 3pm and you haven’t missed it. Man up.

It’s Coach Conor’s debut in the home dugout. What delights has he for us today? Well, Flavell makes his home debut, decision #1 being not to bring in yet another loan keeper. (Knowing us, we’d bring back Liam Roberts, currently out 6 games suspended for his kung fu kick on Matete t’other week.) He also gives another right wingback start to Bensons for Beds. I wonder how that will pan out? Plus Pines is in for Roberts, so presumably there’ll be some amusement to be had. He’s also picked Connell AND Nwakali, a midfield partnership that’s worked zero times thus far. When does it stop being ‘an experiment’ and become ‘a failure’? Oh, and Watters leading the line. (‘Leading’???)

It is s***. But at least I have Slacki, Loko and Hicksy for company in the Heritage Stand, as the tourists decide Cambridge home is one they really can’t afford to miss. Guaranteed home victory against guaranteed relegatories (this week’s made-up word). It takes 9 minutes for Cambridge to go ahead. Pines meekly heads it down against an opponent, who looks up, plays the pass and his mate is through on the left. MdG has been caught out, and the subsequent shot appears to go THROUGH Flavell. We are losing to a set of pottery. (Check out their kit!)

Worse, we are not 20 minutes in when Bensons for Beds gets injured (again). What a pitiful sight he looked as he trudged off. I just hope he’s made enough out of Barnsley FC that he never has to work again, cos he’s not getting days off as a hospital porter for some of his negligible injuries. Though I can see a sprained ankle coming as he pushes trollies at Asda. Maybe he can become a hair model. He has super nice hair. Though he’d probably have to rule himself out for another month with a split end.

On comes Jonathan Bland, and after looking like the latest academy product to be given a freebie, he looks alright, actually. Certainly it helped that he didn’t have to defend, as Cambridge shuffled backwards and into position as we went square, square, backwards, square…then maybe a low through ball forward from Nwakali (if we waited long enough). I heard the Radio Sheffield reporter claim it was difficult cos they got 11 men behind the ball. Well, perhaps if we counter-attacked with any pace. ‘But we don’t have any pace’. OK, then, it would be good if we actually recruited anybody with pace. (back to recruitment again). Cotter is still our fastest player, and he’s injured. (I mean, he's still our fastest player, even if he has only one working leg.)

Course that means the regular RWB is playing LWB, and he’s predictably awful. If only we had a left footed left back. Ah, but we do…Georgie Gent. I refer the honourable ladies and gentlemen to my previous remark about recruitment. Still, inbetween all these squareballs we put a cross in. Watter elects not to go for goal but supplies the perfect nod down for DKD to control it, 8 yards out, and drag it wide. And there’s your first half action over. (Earlier, Cambridge had somehow missed an open goal from 6 yards, so let’s not pretend the lead flattered them.)

Coach Conor rings the changes at half-time, doing absolutely NOTHING. ‘Are you Coach Clarke in disguise?’ sings nobody, cos nobody was singing. By now, it’s chucking it down, so I muse that things could be worse...we could be sat in the lower tier, whose penguins are now all huddling towards the back, trying to stay dry. (Their chicken brethren have already asked the stewards to open the exit gates to go home. And YES, there were a few.) Watters has another superb headed knockdown dragged wide. This time it’s Adam Phillips, and at least it’s a respectable 18 yards out, but it’s a chance, nonetheless.

Watters' reward for being not as poor as usual is to be hauled after the hour. Humphreys comes on to make no difference, save for his usual one effort after cutting inside from the right. (I wouldn’t mind, but by that time Jalo was playing wide right, so we had TWO players taking up one position.) Yes, Jalo is back. HURRAH! He’s come on for Connell (hurrah!) while Russell is on for Pines and we’re going to a back 4. ACTUAL changes. Coach Conor might get a head coach position yet.

Jalo is fed plenty of the ball on the wing and his first input is to be fouled. But, at last, there’s something to watch, as he tries single-handed to break them down. It’s not long before he’s being double-marked, which must mean one of the other useless gets is free, but they never seem to be. As the ball ends up played back once again, I deduce that spare man is Flavell. The mercurial Portuguese meantime continues to entertain and frustrate in equal measure; if he beats a player, the cross is poor, the shot is over. But he’s TRYING to make a difference, and that goes a long way with me after watching us attack (and fail) the same way ad nauseum for 2 months.

With around 15 left, Coach Conor plays his last card, the Yank Lewis coming on for Phillips. There’s an appeal for a penalty as a ball is smashed into a Cambridge player’s hands...which are somewhere near his head. It’s a penalty all day in the Prem with VAR, but there’s no way the linesman could possibly see it, directly in line with no-one impeding his view, as he was. Or the ref, who really didn’t want to give a cheap equaliser (the defender being barely in his own box). Then, from nothing, DKD hits a 25 yarder off the bar. ‘That’s it’ we all think...before Jalo receives the ball out wide in the second of 3 minutes injury time and puts an inswinger in to the back post for that man Lewis to force home. Pandemonium! Well, a gratefully received equaliser at home to relegation certs. One must give thanks even for morsels.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Jalo. Yes, he lost the ball. Players who take on opponents do. But he provided more entertainment in half an hour than the team has in 2 months. Put the equaliser on a plate.
** Bland. A couple of mistakes early on, but became more confident as the game developed.
* Flavell. Made a great save to keep it at 0-1.

Official MOTM: Bland.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Jalo 2. Bland 3. Russell

Despatches:
74% possession. Total football! But what’s the point of possession if you’re not going to do anything with it? Remember the days of Hecky in the Championship? Regularly, 40% possession and beating teams cos we had pace on the counter? Now we get the ball, and trundle around till the opposition have everybody back. People used to say watching long ball is boring, but is there anything more boring than watching a lower division Manchester City?

XG today was 1.45 v 0.4. Finally, we get the upperhand, as well as under perform. How do we manage both?

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral. Shout out to Lord S who got very angry at me drinking what was left of MY half after he’d poured most if it into his pint. (Jonesy was carrying his half.)

Away: 266. Looked fewer. Sounded fewer (but louder than us).

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c. £8

** Owner/Chairman Neerav was interviewed on Radio Sheffield Friday nite. The jist was we’re trying to live within our means...the board has had to put money in as capital (not debt)...around £6m...players may have to be sold...we have a team/squad that should be top 3 or 4 ‘based on underlying stats’ (which are never explained)...and at least 5 of our players will play in The Championship within the next 3 or 4 years. Cue Adie Moses being put on the spot Satdy as to who the 5 might be..MdG...if he cuts out his mistakes...Adam Phillips...DKD...and maybe Connell (but not based on form this season)...’so three and a half’ was his honest analysis. I concur. Co-com (Adam Oxley) put it to him that Georgie Gent will too, based on what he’s seen this season. I could have fallen off my chair, if I wasn’t standing up in the kitchen. But Neerav might be right. Devante Cole is Championship (albeit West Brom bench) so some of our players will undoubtedly get the odd game at a higher level (if their agent is worth his salt). I’d love to know what the ‘underlying statistics’ are that make us out to be a top 4 team tho. Coach Clarke may well have failed to get the best out of certain players, but another way of looking at it is that we’re expected to challenge for promotion with a side who need at least 6 players replacing should we have gone up (presuming we didn’t sell any of the 5, as we did with Pinnock..Kiefer Moore...and Liam Lindsay...last time we got promoted).

*Christ. Last time we went up we had players like those three plus Woodrow, Mowatt, Styles, Thiam, Cavare, Jacob Brown. Need I go on? And that team only came SECOND. This team is where it should be. Midtable 3rd division.

Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Tuesday 18th March 2025

Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup Semi-Final, Sandygate, att. 1,255

There’s only one game in town tonite as far as I’m concerned – the Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup semi-final at Sandygate, the oldest football ground in the world. The last round paired Hallam and Sheffield, the world’s oldest football club, and the derby brought 1,496, which is larger than it’s purported capacity. Tonite would be a ‘meagre’ 1,255, against another local side, Stocksbridge Park Steels, from a division up in the pyramid. With 600 online tickets already sold hours before the match, the onus was on getting there early. I didn’t want to miss out!

It was a good job I got there early too. Parking was at a premium, even half an hour before kick-off. I was lucky, and on making my way to the gorund, could already hear the beating of a drum and the buzz of the crowd. I parted with my 6 quid (on my card; this is the 9th tier!) but couldn’t find any programmes. Presumably sold out. Entering in one corner, it was already very busy. The yoof and their drum had bagsied the covered area at this end, so I wasn’t going there. I walked along the byeline and found the social club, a modern affair with some good choices of drink (ie, they had a couple fo SALT beers, and Guinness for the less fussy). Indeed, they’d also opened a can bar at the entrance. Having one of the highest crowds in the country at their level (they had the 3rd highest in the country on Satdy, 717) the relative smallness of the social club necessitates this.

After the social club comes the refreshment bar...Annie’s? There’s was quite a lot of choice, but a queue to match it. The 250 seater stand was plump on the halfway line and worrying about being stood behind folk to see the game, I thought I’d take the old man option and snuggle in. 2nd off back row, excellent view, aside from not quite being able to see the far left corner. With no steps of terracing, just hard standing, between here and the social club, the crowd was 4 deep. Behind the left goal, where the Stocksbridge yoof collected, it was more hard standing, while opposite is a cricket field.

A cricket field! In the oldest football ground in the world. Well, I suppose it’s the other way round, the cricket team came first. A rope separated the cricket and football pitches. It doesn’t seem like viewing from this side is encouraged, though as the game went on a few encroached round the corner to this side. The one bit of terracing meantime was under that cover which ran from the corner flag at the entrance to the goalpost. 3 steps. Beyond the goal is only open, flat standing, but a glorious old stone wall behind it. Even so, I’m told this hard standing is new this season, possibly reflecting Hallam have to do SOMETHING in the case of ground grading if they get promotion. (They currently lie 2nd, which would give home advantage in the semi and...hopefully...the final in the play-offs.)

The other elephant in the room is the slope of the pitch. It’s HUGE. Surely every game is a ‘game of two halves’? I am happy to be proved wrong, as the opening 4 goals tonite come with the team kicking UP the slope. I’ve company too. Turns out I’m sat next to the father of Hallam’s goalkeeper, and he’s a mine of information. Luckily, Junior has a decent game and can’t be faulted for the goals.

Playing up the slope 1st half at home to a side in a higher league, the odds were against Hallam. Indeed, early on, it’s all Steels. The bald bloke at the back for Hallam looks a liability to me (turns out he normally plays up front!) but he improved, the team held out and with half-time on the horizon, the deadlock is broken. Hallam break up the right and Leon Howarth buries it off the far post. Can they make it to half-time a goal up? NO! They break again, same place, and Rio Allan outmuscles 2 defenders to slot in, again at the far post.

The keeper’s dad is realistic. ‘This game isn’t over’. I go and use the facilities and instead of going on my usual tour of the ground, I return to my seat. I decide he’s enjoying my company. And besides, I’m not going to get a better view. The second half is mostly one way traffic (uphill). Hallam’s forwards can’t keep hold of the ball, the midfield have lost the ability to run with the ball, and Stocksbridge are camped in Hallam’s half. Even the keeper’s virtually on the halfway line. ‘The neutral in me could do with Stocksbridge scoring’ I say, halfway through the half. A minute later it’s 2-1, as a soft effort off a corner dribbles in by the post. Why does no-one put a man on the post anymore? (OK, it’s cos statistically, you’re better off putting your men elsewhere. Really?)

With 76 on the clock, it’s two-all, a bullet of a header flashing past Hugo in goal (we’re on first name terms, even if he doesn’t know it). Cue a flare lit in what has become the away end. It’s around now we wonder whether the game goes straight to pens at 90, cos it seems Hallam’s best hope. Earlier rounds did, apparently. I bet the programme knows. But it’s all irrelevant. With only one side looking likely, Hallam attack down the left and Leon Howarth curls a beauty over the keeper and into the far corner. ‘It’s in!’ I exclaim, before it’s in. A 90th minute winner, in a semi final, against your local rivals, in front of a packed crowd. No wonder the ref’s whistle is met with a pitch invasion. I’d forgotten what glorious times looked like. Brilliant.

The Damage:
£6 ent
£5.20 SALT Alpacalypse Session IPA
= £11.20

*the chat on the way out was that the final (v Worksop, 2 divisions higher) would be at Doncaster’s subbuteo stadium. A pity, as last season it was at Hillsborough. However, here we are the day after, and the final’s going to be at Rotherham’s New York Stadium. I might go see my new mate after all.

Mansfield Town 2-1 BFC, Saturday 15th March 2025

‘You know that McCarthy...he’s not a sponsor or something, is he?’

The King is dead. Long live the King. Yes, another manager bites the dust, Coach Clarke inevitably bearing the blame for the shower of sh*te that is our 1s team. The Director of Recruitment remains in situ. And since we’re making it up on the hoof, the poisoned chalice passes to interim coach Conor Hourihane. (‘Aren’t all coaches interim?’ Was that Gerard Houllier at Chelsea?) And the more things change...the more things remain the same.

‘But he’s only had 2 days on the training pitch.’ Well, we shoulda sacked Clarke last Satdy nite then, shouldn’t we? I notice Huddersfield put 5 past Crawley with THEIR interim manager. ‘But they were only playing Crawley.’ Yes. And we were playing a side who were incredibly without a win in 14 matches (4 draws). Could we have played a side with lower morale? And we’d nicked their star player (DKD) back in September. What could go wrong?

What could go wrong? Conor rings the changes. Well, he plays Benson at right wing back and switches O’Keeffe to the left. Cos, like every other master tactician with a coaching badge, he thinks it doesn’t matter. Humphreys is this week’s lamb to the slaughter up front, while loanee Rodrigues gets nowhere the pitch. (Humphreys is hauled at HT for Max Watters.)

It took us 11 minutes to concede. An idiot defender (we’ll call him Roberts) kicks the ball straight to their player in the box and it’s snaffled, into the bottom corner. Worse, I think that’s when Smith injures himself in goal. Brilliant. Our 5th keeper of the season* comes on, young Flavell. How bad can he be, if he’s been continually overlooked in favour of Slonina, Kilip, Gauci and Smith? Actually, he doesn’t disgrace himself and makes a couple of saves. There’s nothing he can do about the winner, as 3 centre halves fail to deal with an up and under and another player is left with a tap-in. Last minute an’ all.

*I’m only counting the league. I think Flavell played in that Mickey Mouse trophy, whatever it’s called.

Inbetween, we actually equalise. Nice Guy Chris won’t approve, but criticism from the fans appeared to have an effect. ‘Sideways and backwards, everywhere we go’ was the terrace chant, as Phillips beat a player on the left. The crowd commentary was great. ‘Woooah...SQUARE...whooah...SQUARE...whooah...SQUARE...GOOOOAAAALLLL. I think Hourihane said we scored with our best period of possession. By which I think he meant we’d put 3 passes together.

It was true though. The only time we found a Reds shirt was in going backwards or square. Kicking it forward only resulted in us losing the ball. And this might sound oxymoronic, but I found out today we’ve played more long balls than anyone else in the division. But it makes sense to me. We’re either punting 45 yard balls towards the corner flag (for opposition defenders to pick up) or we’ve turned into a team of Herbie Kanes. (Let’s get that chant going...never mind wanting ‘a team of Marc Roberts’...’we all play like a team of Herbie Kanes, a team of Herbie Kanes’...etc. Which is ironic, considering we got rid of the sideways shyster.

Onwards and upwards!

*** Bensons for Beds. Started, Scored, NEARLY completed 90 minutes (83, if you must know.).
** Flavell. Kept a clean sheet for 75 minutes.
* No-one. Another awful Saturday.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1= Benson / Flavell 3. No-one

Despatches:
Commander Reed had surveyed the area and pronounced it was going to be a dismal day of drinking, but it turned out well in the end. In no rush to hit Mansfield, we started in the Sheffield Tap, the Mallard at Worksop Station (where we had to change), then, a newish craft ale place in Mansfield Woodhouse. OK, 45 minutes walk to the ground, but owned by a Reds fan! (We didn’t know this.)

Mind, the train back was slightly delayed. Something called ‘football hooliganism’ broke out, but it all seemed a storm in a teacup. Net result: one bust lip and a small child crying (the small crying child wasn’t the one with the bust lip). Then a yoof asked me and Andy if we were alright! I know we might be getting on for pensionable, but one of us could have had any of these runts. (Clue: Andy.) ps, I said ‘runts’.

In XG chat, we lost another game, 1.75 v 0.46. I’m starting to wonder why I can’t remember all our chances at games, but then I work out...we haven’t had any! Excellent finish from Benson for Beds too. Apparently, Coach Conor likes him cos he’s ‘full of energy’. I expect he is, not having completed a game since he signed for us...has he?

Drink du jour: Weihenstephaner in the Sheffield Tap, Vocation Crush Hour on the train, Virtuous Session IPA in The Mallard in Worksop Station, New World Brewing Hazy IPA in the Barrel Micropub in Mansfield Woodhouse...and whatever we had on the train back...and another in the Mallard...and another in the Sheffield Tap. It’s like we had a return journey!

Away: c.1,900 Sellout? ‘Toxic’ said a texter to Radio Sheffield’s Praise or Grumble. I’ve heard worse this season. ‘SIDEWAYS AND BACKWARDS, EVERYWHERE WE GOOOOO, EVERYWHERE WE GOOOOO’.

The Damage:
£26 ent
c.£8 petrol
£15 train
= c. £49