Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Tuesday 18th March 2025

Hallam 3-2 Stocksbridge Park Steels, Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup Semi-Final, Sandygate, att. 1,255

There’s only one game in town tonite as far as I’m concerned – the Sheffield and Hallamshire Cup semi-final at Sandygate, the oldest football ground in the world. The last round paired Hallam and Sheffield, the world’s oldest football club, and the derby brought 1,496, which is larger than it’s purported capacity. Tonite would be a ‘meagre’ 1,255, against another local side, Stocksbridge Park Steels, from a division up in the pyramid. With 600 online tickets already sold hours before the match, the onus was on getting there early. I didn’t want to miss out!

It was a good job I got there early too. Parking was at a premium, even half an hour before kick-off. I was lucky, and on making my way to the gorund, could already hear the beating of a drum and the buzz of the crowd. I parted with my 6 quid (on my card; this is the 9th tier!) but couldn’t find any programmes. Presumably sold out. Entering in one corner, it was already very busy. The yoof and their drum had bagsied the covered area at this end, so I wasn’t going there. I walked along the byeline and found the social club, a modern affair with some good choices of drink (ie, they had a couple fo SALT beers, and Guinness for the less fussy). Indeed, they’d also opened a can bar at the entrance. Having one of the highest crowds in the country at their level (they had the 3rd highest in the country on Satdy, 717) the relative smallness of the social club necessitates this.

After the social club comes the refreshment bar...Annie’s? There’s was quite a lot of choice, but a queue to match it. The 250 seater stand was plump on the halfway line and worrying about being stood behind folk to see the game, I thought I’d take the old man option and snuggle in. 2nd off back row, excellent view, aside from not quite being able to see the far left corner. With no steps of terracing, just hard standing, between here and the social club, the crowd was 4 deep. Behind the left goal, where the Stocksbridge yoof collected, it was more hard standing, while opposite is a cricket field.

A cricket field! In the oldest football ground in the world. Well, I suppose it’s the other way round, the cricket team came first. A rope separated the cricket and football pitches. It doesn’t seem like viewing from this side is encouraged, though as the game went on a few encroached round the corner to this side. The one bit of terracing meantime was under that cover which ran from the corner flag at the entrance to the goalpost. 3 steps. Beyond the goal is only open, flat standing, but a glorious old stone wall behind it. Even so, I’m told this hard standing is new this season, possibly reflecting Hallam have to do SOMETHING in the case of ground grading if they get promotion. (They currently lie 2nd, which would give home advantage in the semi and...hopefully...the final in the play-offs.)

The other elephant in the room is the slope of the pitch. It’s HUGE. Surely every game is a ‘game of two halves’? I am happy to be proved wrong, as the opening 4 goals tonite come with the team kicking UP the slope. I’ve company too. Turns out I’m sat next to the father of Hallam’s goalkeeper, and he’s a mine of information. Luckily, Junior has a decent game and can’t be faulted for the goals.

Playing up the slope 1st half at home to a side in a higher league, the odds were against Hallam. Indeed, early on, it’s all Steels. The bald bloke at the back for Hallam looks a liability to me (turns out he normally plays up front!) but he improved, the team held out and with half-time on the horizon, the deadlock is broken. Hallam break up the right and Leon Howarth buries it off the far post. Can they make it to half-time a goal up? NO! They break again, same place, and Rio Allan outmuscles 2 defenders to slot in, again at the far post.

The keeper’s dad is realistic. ‘This game isn’t over’. I go and use the facilities and instead of going on my usual tour of the ground, I return to my seat. I decide he’s enjoying my company. And besides, I’m not going to get a better view. The second half is mostly one way traffic (uphill). Hallam’s forwards can’t keep hold of the ball, the midfield have lost the ability to run with the ball, and Stocksbridge are camped in Hallam’s half. Even the keeper’s virtually on the halfway line. ‘The neutral in me could do with Stocksbridge scoring’ I say, halfway through the half. A minute later it’s 2-1, as a soft effort off a corner dribbles in by the post. Why does no-one put a man on the post anymore? (OK, it’s cos statistically, you’re better off putting your men elsewhere. Really?)

With 76 on the clock, it’s two-all, a bullet of a header flashing past Hugo in goal (we’re on first name terms, even if he doesn’t know it). Cue a flare lit in what has become the away end. It’s around now we wonder whether the game goes straight to pens at 90, cos it seems Hallam’s best hope. Earlier rounds did, apparently. I bet the programme knows. But it’s all irrelevant. With only one side looking likely, Hallam attack down the left and Leon Howarth curls a beauty over the keeper and into the far corner. ‘It’s in!’ I exclaim, before it’s in. A 90th minute winner, in a semi final, against your local rivals, in front of a packed crowd. No wonder the ref’s whistle is met with a pitch invasion. I’d forgotten what glorious times looked like. Brilliant.

The Damage:
£6 ent
£5.20 SALT Alpacalypse Session IPA
= £11.20

*the chat on the way out was that the final (v Worksop, 2 divisions higher) would be at Doncaster’s subbuteo stadium. A pity, as last season it was at Hillsborough. However, here we are the day after, and the final’s going to be at Rotherham’s New York Stadium. I might go see my new mate after all.

BFC 0-3 Blackpool, Saturday 8th March 2025

‘Our next best chance of scoring today is Phillips...and he’s not even playing!’

I’m not angry. I’m not even disappointed. I’ve gone beyond that – I’m resigned. Resigned to the fact we’re going nowhere fast (other than down). Resigned that, right now, the club is rotten. The ownership, the management, the recruitment, the players, the fans...it’s awful throughout. The vocal minority are busy blaming the board, and I get it. They’re the ones in control of the purse strings, but without em, we’d be bust. They’re also in control of appointments, and in that respect, Coach Clarke and the Director of Recruitment (what a disaster he is thus far) are their fault too.

The latest embarrassment was the worst of the season, for me. (Reedy still claims Leyton O, but I wasn’t there). On Satdy we were played off the park in BOTH halves by another midtable side who have NOTHING to play for. Yet they ran about, they pressed, they made themselves available, they always looked to the front foot. It was everything we’re not. They coulda (shoulda) been 3 or 4 nil up by half-time. (Others said as many as 6). My favourite miss was when their lad put it wide from 6 yards, with an empty net. The keeper made a diving save too, but mostly, it was just poor misses.

In contrast, we had one effort of any note. Connell chipped a great pass through for Humphreys to control with his chest and...blaze over from 8 yards. OK, the keeper’s in close proximity, but all he has to do is get it on target. Just knock it under the keeper into the open goal, rather than paralyse someone in Row X.

But it’s ok, we’ve made it to half time, goalless. A chance for Coach Clarke to reset. Another inspirational teamtalk, some tactical tweaking, maybe a sub. He sends them out identical. If we had the ball (which we had plenty) we had one tactic: hoof it long behind their fullbacks to…to WHO? Every single time, their fullback turned around and collected, or the centre half came across, and possession was ceded. Or it went down the middle to the keeper. This isn’t a one-off. This IS what amounts to us trying to score a goal*. It was repeatedly tried at Rovrum to slightly better success, as their defenders blatantly didn’t know what to do with the ball, and we eked a penalty out of it. Blackpool’s defenders had us on toast all day. Listen, Coach Clarke, it might be the 3rd division but these players are PROFESSIONALS. (I’m referring to the Blackpool players here.) They will not simply give it back to us in their third. This is not Sunday football. (The lack of any kind of press exacerbates the issue.)

*ok, there’s the ‘hopefully DKD will pick up the ball in the final third, beat a player and curl it home from 20 yards’. But that’s hardly a tactic...is it?

Thus the second half started. It took 11 minutes for Blackpool to score. A Tangerine (capital ‘T’) ran 40 yards unchallenged, before burying it into the bottom corner from 20 yards. Another one that went under Smith’s right hand, a la Charlton. I think I see a weakness. But at the point of shooting, there are FOUR Reds players in close proximity to the shooter and NONE of them are putting in a tackle or block. We have given up.

Will Coach Clarke make a change before or after they score a second? He brings on Nwakali and Benson for Connell and Watters. Does that mean we’re not playing with a centre forward? (Insert hilarious caption here.) Within 3 minutes it’s 0-2. A harmless looking cross to the back post is headed in by former Red Fletcher. At least he didn’t celebrate, but I wouldn’t have minded if he did. How does ONE player get inbetween Farrugia, Conor Barrett and the goalkeeper, to score? (By the way, if we have 5 ‘top class centre halves’ according to our leader, what is Barrett?)

It’s ok tho, cos Coach Clarke brings on Rodrigues for the aforementioned Barrett. A centre forward for a centre half. All out attack, then? Does Rodrigues even touch the ball? (Yes, he does. I distinctly remember him touching the ball. Does he touch it twice? I can’t remember a second time, but he definitely touches it at least once in his 25 minute (plus injury time) trot out.)

By now, we’re trying a different tactic (oh yes!). Nwakali appears to be playing right centre half, and is orchestrating all our possession, which invariable is playing the ball forward through the lines to feet, whereupon a Russell, or someone, would hold it up, lay it off…then that player would lose it. Every time. Did we have a shot?

Another pacey attack for the visitors brings a fine save out of Smith, but the loose ball is gobbled up from close range. What ARE our defenders doing (FYI: O’Keefe, Roberts, McCarthy, Farrugia)? No Earl to blame this week, though Barrett was an able deputy. (As in, I don’t rate either.)

There’s still 17 minutes left, not that 80% of the home end will see it. Once again, we are left with the masochists and idiots. Blackpool fans start chanting ‘You’re so sh*t it’s unbelievable’, gaining a round of applause from the home areas, before a few in the Ponty give it ‘We’re so sh*t it’s unbelievable’.

Onwards and upwards!

*** DKD. I trust his transfer request is already in. Needs to play for someone else next season.
** Russell. Generally kept possession
* Nwakali. Plays the ball FORWARD on the FLOOR to players wearing RED. The novelty of it. Marked down for only being on pitch half an hour.

Official MOTM: DKD.

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. No-one 2. No-one 3. DKD/No-one

Despatches:
Let’s start with the players. O’Keeffe? S***. Farrugia? Hapless. Barrett? Hopeless. McCarthy? Clueless (This is starting to sound like the 7 Dwarves.) Roberts? Crap. Connell? Rubbish. Humphreys? Weak. Watters? Anonymous. Rodrigues? Pathetic. Benson? Actually, didn’t look that bad. Smith? Average. Special mention to Bailey McCann, coming on at 0-3 in the 88th minute. We are now GIVING AWAY appearances. It reminds me of Man U, away, where Coach Clarke sticks in Jalo and Yoganathan – 2 youngsters with little first team pedigree and we’re whacked 7-0 by the worst Manure team in living memory.

This is all poor timing, what with season ticket renewal about to come up. Crap football, poorly performing players, awful signings…and random kick off times. I am worried. The club and I are just hoping that 8,000 people renew out of habit, to help the club, etc...cos if we don’t renew, the club has no budget, we sign even worse (cheap) players, and we disappear for the next 20 years.

I’m saving a rant about our recruitment for another week cos I don’t know where to start. What I will say is that the only decent signing we’ve made in the last 2 windows (DKD) was hardly a scouting masterpiece – anyone who picks up a Sunday paper (remember those?) could see him scoring every other week in division 4.

Oh, and Michael Duff got sacked at Huddersfield yesterday. I’d have him back tomorrow, I really would. This has gone far enough.

And just as I finish writing this, my XG correspondent comes good. 1.31 v 2.76. 1.31? I am gobsmacked. I thought we created as little as we have done all season. That Humphreys miss is doing a lot of lifting, but I wouldn’t have that higher than about 0.4. What did I miss?* What other shots or chances did we possibly have???

*It was a balmy afternoon in the sun. Diane had given away my seat to some juvenile Geordie and I went and sat downstairs with Reedy. Consequently, with little happening on the pitch – for us – my eyelids were given to closing. Did we have a cheeky shot every time I nodded off? I know I fell asleep inbetween the award of a corner, and it being taken. The subsequent crowd groan woke me up. O’Keeffe had delivered yet another awful set piece, low to the first man. It’s bad enough that he can’t defend...

Drink du jour: House Party IPA in Spiral. ‘Home Fans Only’ said a hastily scrawled sign (part of a set of two with TAFKA The Arcade Ale House. (I forget what it’s called these days, but something nowhere near as good.)

Away: 826. They enjoyed themselves.

The Damage:
c.£8 petrol
= c. £8

Charlton Athletic 1-0 BFC, Tuesday 4th March 2025

‘Christopher, you need to up your game.’

I heard we played at Charlton the other nite. I think I was there, but I don’t remember much of it. I remember having 3 delicious pints in SALT, pre-match. I remember a decent turnout, which included Lord S’s cousin, and Wadd’s old nurse mate Olly. I remember staying up till 2am with Nice Guy Chris. (Drink was taken.) The match? Barely anything happened, did it?

Granted, we lost. In a sh*t or bust game, the Super Reds passion for victory barely registered. Did we have an attack? Connell had a 20 yarder wot skewed wide, but otherwise...? Chorlton didn’t have much either, though they did force Smith into a couple of good diving saves. Sadly, he’d already conceded a soft effort, a free kick wot seemed to squirm through him. I can see why he’s been rejected for, variously, Slonina, Kilip and Gauci. What I can’t see is why we paid a reputed £200k for him. Did Chorlton hit the post as well? I have a vague recollection.

Truth be told, I didn’t see much of the game, spending most of it turning around to chat rubbish. Problem was, whenever I faced the pitch, nothing happened. Indeed, we were 68 minutes in before I realised (actually, before someone pointed it out) that we’d made a bunch of subs. It didn’t matter (the subs, I mean) as the game limped to a conclusion in the same way it had limped throughout.

So there it is, the season ending with a whimper, not a bang. We shuffled out with much the same apathy as the players.

Onwards and upwards!

*** No-one. An early dribble from DKD, a shot (wide) from Connell? It’s not good enough.
** No-one. Him again.
* No-one. The hattrick!

Londontykes’ MOTM: 1. Roberts 2. DKD 3= Connell

Despatches:
We peaked early with that SALT place in Deptford. Perfect. I’m looking forward to Chorlton away next season already (tho Jude tells me we’re now 6 from 6...6 defeats in a row). I hadn’t realised our Valley form, such as it ever was, has completely dropped off a cliff.

XG? 0.74 v 0.38. Sounds like I didn’t miss much.

Drink du jour: SALT Huck A Back NEIPA. Beautiful. Then Chris’s red wine stash.

Away: c.300

The Damage:
£50.10 train
£25 ent
= £75.10

Droylsden 3-2 Darwen, Sunday 2nd March 2025

Droylsden 3-2 Darwen, North West Counties League 1st Division North, Butcher’s Arms Ground, att. 1,184

It was game 2 of 2 this Sunday on the annual North West Counties League groundhop, as a convoy of traffic made it through the Manchester suburbs from Abbey Hey. Though I bet not everyone called in at the Fairfield Moravian Settlement on the way. (Cheers, Kev.) What a cultural and historical oasis in the middle of standard Victorian streets.

Again, Kev led the way on directions. He’s getting better at this, and we pass Droylsden’s Butcher’s Arms Ground before parking up on a side street. All good, though the football club appears surprised by numbers; only 2 turnstiles open and with one for concessions, a healthy queue snakes down the street until someone has the common sense to make both turnstiles open for all. The groundhoppers’ coach had also arrived, and well done DFC for furnishing everyone with teamsheets as they decanted the bus.

I settled for a programme, accosted as we were as soon as were through the turnstiles, in much the same way chuggers operate in Carnaby Street. Then, another long queue. Quick! Let’s join it. I presume it’s for food (it is) and after a disappointing sausage sandwich at Abbey Hey, I’m ready to be disappointed again. (I am, yet in another sense, I’m not, for if I am ready to be disappointed, and I am disappointed, aren’t I satiated in my prediction that I would be disappointed? I don’t know.) Kev reconnoitres the menu. ’14 award winning pies’ it proclaims, though by the time we reach the front there is only cheese and onion. Maybe they meant 14 pies on sale in total?

After hearing grumblings from those in front about the prices, Kev decides to spend £7 on a not wholly satisfying cheeseburger, while my hotdog confirms what I thought last game: these people must leave the bread rolls out all nite to get the right crisp/staleness. Or is this the texture of cheap buns? Kev gets an idea of life as a groundhopper as one moans that an upcoming groundhopping weekend in Scotland only has 4 new grounds (of 6) to see. Kev and I have a long way to go.

By now, the teams are out. Didn’t Droylsden go bust a few years back and have to start again? I am corrected. ‘Went on sabbatical.’ Turns out they withdrew from the Northern Premier League in August 2020, before folding for the 2021-22 season due to the financial pressures of Covid. Consequently, the ground is a grade or 2 above the North West Counties Division 1. The main stand is a modern brick fronted affair, while behind one goal is a large terrace, covered in its entirety. There’s a healthy four figure crowd and still plenty of space. (Capacity 3,000, including 500 seats.) But who are the home fans taunting with ‘what’s it like to see a crowd?’ Groundhoppers? Darwen? Themselves?

Kev and I find a perch near the corner flag, the perimeter slightly cutting the corner, to afford us an even better view. After the previous match ended goalless, we are rewarded early; the Bloods head in from a corner. The Bloods? Yes, NOW I know what that mascot was meant to be, pre-match. A drop of blood! I did wonder. On the one hand, it looked like a drop of blood. On the other...that CAN’T be a drop of blood. Was it left over from some NHS giving blood campaign? This goal cancels out a shock effort from Darwen at the far end.

At half time, I bump into a Hearts fans who I met last year on the same weekend. He regales me with trips this season to see Hearts in Europe…Copenhagen, etc...they’re one of those teams it must be great to support…you get to Europe, but don’t get far enough to bankrupt yourself, just enough to see 2 or 3 new grounds before repeating the process next year. (I didn’t tell him this.)

Second half, we walk through the terrace to the far side, a narrow, covered stand, whose pillars and supports are wooden, rather like a Tudor mansion house (but not as safe). Surprisingly, there’s a juicy space right on the halfway line. As far as I can tell, everyone here is a groundhopper, as we delight in random conversations with random travellers. (‘What do YOU think of Alan Shearer as a pundit?’) We also pass two doggies in club colours and I share my big idea with Kev: a photographic book, ‘Non-League Dogs’. On further examination, I am encouraged to share my vision, a hardback, coffee table book, full of glorious colour pictures. ‘Will they be given any context?’ What do you mean? ‘Like where it is, who’s playing?’ Of course!

By now, The Bloods are 2-1 up and look like they’re going to run away with it. However, a spanner is thrown as Darwen equalise. It’s not undeserving either, the visitors enjoying good possession in their opponents’ half. However, just as the shock is on, Droylsden break and the ball is blasted high into the net from an angle. (I know, I know, all shots are ‘from an angle’. Even straight ones.)

The masses are happy. Home players go to the terraced end to receive their acclaim, while us groundhoppers muse on a five goal thriller. Exit isn’t through the giftshop though, we continue our anti-clockwise navigation via the other goal, an open, flat standing end with the boundary fence tight in. Maybe we’ll see them again in a division or 2 higher. If they don’t go on sabbatical.

The Damage:
£6 ent
£4 hotdog
£2 programme
= £12